BPDFamily.com

I have two younger sisters.  I suspect my middle sister has BPD.  She's always been "emotional" and "sensitive" but lately, I just cannot handle her anymore.  We are in our mid-30s, by the way.  She and I used to be quite close.  We would hang out almost every week.  But, she's become so challenging over the past 8 or so years that I've cut back to barely seeing her.  I don't talk to her much at all and I see her once a month or less now.  

There are so many examples of her behavior but I'll just go with what's happening right now.  She is about to get married.  I spent most of the day with her, her fiance and several friends on Saturday.  The day was going fine, I guess.  I mentioned that I want to buy a building for my company (I own a small business) and she asked what my employees think about it.  For many reasons, I haven't consulted my employees.  She latched onto that and would not let it go.  She kept harping on how I don't care about them enough, I need to ask their opinions, etc.  I didn't get angry with her or anything and I just calmly explained my position to her.  But, it was pretty annoying.  

So, at one point I mentioned to her fiance that it's a good thing She doesn't own a business because she'd spend all her time polling the employees on everything.  It was a joke and I don't remember exactly what I said, but something like that.  I didn't think it was a big deal.  But, I guess her fiance found it very offensive because after I left (several hours later) he sent me a nasty text message.  

My relationship with sister has been rocky for years.  I take a lot of crap from her.  So, when her fiance decided to send me nasty messages I didn't take too kindly to it.  I'm supposed to be in their wedding and after that happened I wasn't sure I wanted to do it anymore.  The next day I told her I didn't appreciate the messages but that I didn't want to talk about it right then (we were at a child's birthday party so it wasn't the right time).  She immediately freaked out, started crying, and they left the party 5 minutes after they arrived.  12 hours later she sent me a text message that she didn't understand what happened and didn't know why Nick sent me those messages.  Fine.  

Today I sent her an email and I just told her I'd do whatever she wanted for the wedding but that I wasn't really comfortable being around her fiance right now.  I said I would probably skip the bachelorette party because it's an out of town thing where we're all sharing a single house and his sister and sister-in-law will be there.  I just think it'll be uncomfortable.  After this she told me she still wanted me to be in the wedding and then threw in at the end of her email that she cut herself and probably needs stitches.  

So, now she's cutting.  And, she obviously wants me to react to that.  But, this is exactly the kind of stuff she's been doing for years and I'm so tired of it.  She's threatened suicide several times.  Cutting over this seems extreme to me.  I'm so tired of this!  It's all just one manipulation after another.  I've reached the point where I just don't want her in my life and I definitely don't want my daughter around this crap.  

Where do I go from here?  What obligation do I have as far as knowing about this cutting?  Should I tell someone?  :)o you think her fiance knows (they live together)?  

Sorry for the novel... .

My sister's fiance ended up calling me last night.  He left a voicemail saying that he probably owed me an explanation or an apology.  I'm not in the head space to deal with him or my sister though.  I ended up sending him a text:

"I got your voicemail.  I understand you were just trying to protect (sister) and draw a line in the sand.  But, I have a line too and it's that I will never again allow (sister) or her enablers to bully me.  And, if (sister) ever talks to me about cutting or suicide again the only thing I will do is call the police to do a well check on her.  I agreed to be in the wedding so I will do it.  Beyond that I do not know."

I have very mixed feelings about sending that.  On on hand I think I set up good and reasonable boundaries.  On the other, with my sister it doesn't really matter what you do, she is going to be upset.  I don't know how to handle this situation anymore except to cut my sister out of my life after the wedding.  I'm nervous what ripple effects that will have, but at the same time, I think it will be worth it even if it means I also lose my mom and my other sister.  I don't think I'll lose a relationship with my other sister, but I might lose the relationship I have with my parents. 

Welcome!   

I'm glad you've found our community!  While I don't have a BPD sibling, I do have a BPD mother so I understand the interesting family dynamics that can occur.  I think the follow up text that you sent to your soon to be brother in-law was perfect.  It addressed the issues at hand without escalating any drama.  I think it makes sense to tell them that you will simply call police if you hear of cutting/suicidal behavior - these types of things should not be used as a pawn to get a response from you.  If she is not serious and is saying that she is cutting to get a rise out of you, she needs to be the one to feel the repercussions of that.  I also really like to see that you are working on putting yourself and your mental health first - I found that to be one of the more difficult aspects of this whole journey.  I was so worried about rocking the boat that I put up with far too much for far too long. 

I am currently NC (no contact) with my mom, and have been for a few years now.  At first, the rest of my family (dad and brother) were very upset by this and continually pushed me to talk to her again and "make things right" despite her pretty blatant craziness (one event leading up to my NC was her attempting to extort money out of myself and my H - she claimed she paid my dad for half of what he contributed to our wedding, which she did not.  She was trying to get us to "pay her back" because we weren't on good terms anymore).  This part is probably harder than cutting ties with the BPD family member, honestly.  It hurts for family to attempt to push you back into an unhealthy relationship simply because it makes them more comfortable.  It took probably a year or more or me holding my ground in NC for my brother to eventually just let it go (and unfortunately, he got a taste of her drama during this time so he began to understand better), and my dad to finally understand and not be upset.  It may take some time, but eventually they may see things your way, or at least respect and honor your decision and be able to move forward with a relationship with you that isn't directly tied to your sister.  While this isn't the case for everyone, there is hope - you may have to weather through some rough patches with your family, but if you're prepared for that to be the case, you are a step ahead of where I was!

Glad you're here - I hope you find it to be as helpful as I have. 

Thank you for your response, CollectedChaos. 

It really is hurtful the way my family wants me to do whatever it takes to keep my BPD sister happy.  I got my most recent taste of it about 6 months ago (this has happened probably hundreds of times now, I'm always being asked to be the bigger person, let my anger go, etc.).  My sister was being particularly difficult and I was already extremely stressed out from work and life.  I kept telling my mom and my other sister that I couldn't handle anything else with BPD sister and they put so much pressure on me.  I ended up having so much adrenaline/anxiety that I started having all sorts of stress response problems.  I couldn't sleep and didn't get a single good night of sleep for a couple months.  I ended up in therapy, seeing a chiropractor, seeing my doctor, etc.  I even got a medical cannabis license to deal with the PTSD. 

I took a big step back from BPD sister, but then I allowed myself to get sucked back in.  I'm experiencing all the same crazy stress responses again, but at least now I have the cannabis to help me sleep.  I just really want to get through the wedding and then cut her off completely for at least 6 months so I can get my own mental health back.  I'm so tired of walking on eggshells due to her issues. 

I put Stop Walking On Eggshells on hold at the library and I should be able to pick it up today after work.  I hope it's helpful.  Ultimately, I think my real struggle will be with my parents.  They totally enabled BPD sister and want me to stay in the picture because it takes pressure off of them.  My other sister got a pretty good dose of BPD sister when I backed off a few months ago and she's likely to cut her off after the wedding as well.  BPD sister just brings nothing but stress and drama wherever she goes.  Other sister and I both have young kids and have enough to deal with without BPD's nonsense. 

So, to update my own thread, my sister was admitted to the hospital yesterday.  She went voluntarily, but if she hadn't she would have been forced to stay based on her recent cutting and suicide threats.  I'm both sad for her and really relieved. 

I hope this is the only time she'll need to be hospitalized, but I have a feeling this is only the beginning.  She's just gotten so extreme the past few years and it seemed like she was really spiraling.  I'm sure the stress of her wedding coming up wasn't helping. 

What, if anything, does someone like me do in this situation?  I was basically planning on cutting my sister out of my life after her wedding.  I care about her, but I also need sanity and peace in my life and she is like a tornado.  I want to do what's right, but not at the expense of my own sanity. 

Hi YouHadMeAtHello,

I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and asserted a boundary with your future brother-in-law.  It is sad that your sis was hospitalized.  Hopefully she'll not only get the help that she needs, but embraces therapy.  Let her healing stay on her side of the fence.  She owns it.  If in any way you can be supportive,  then that's good,  but it sounds like you have been really hurt by her. 

As for the book,  the same author wrote a follow up that is said to be better and more complete. See our review and discussion here:

Essential Family Guide - Randi Kreger (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=80293.0;all)

This site has incorporated a lot of the tools such as validation and boundaries which can help.  Take a look at the Lessons and Suggested Reading at the top of the board. 

Turkish

Hello again,

I'm sorry to hear that you sister has been hospitalized, but it sounds like that was necessary for the time being.  I hope she gets the help she needs, and continues on with therapy, etc. 

I know how you feel, wanting to distance yourself but also feeling guilty for wanting that.  It's being stuck between a rock and a hard place, really.  However, I will echo what Turkish said - her healing is something she needs to own.  You can't do it for her or really even help her along.  You can be supportive of her choices in continuing to work on things (if she goes in that direction - it seems like many with BPD do not), but that's all.  We grow up thinking we are capable of changing their moods and outcomes in life, but this isn't really true.  While I certainly can't tell you what the best decision is for you, what I can say is this:  if you are feeling as though you need some space, I think you should listen to that instinct.  Speaking from personal experience, pushing yourself to be supportive of someone who has completely drained you mentally is no help to yourself or to them.  You end up totally burned out and frustrated, and that causes more strain between the two of you than the distance would.  Giving yourself some distance to recover and reevaluate your situation is healthy and there is no reason to feel shame or guilt over that need.  You have to think about what you and your family need too 

YouHadMeAtHello,

I know how you feel 100%  I am in the same place with my mother, and just had enough.

Understand you and your sister are both adults and you have a right to be happy.

That said if you feel she is actually contemplating suicide then forward that correspondence to the proper authorities, or let her finance do it.


This is a classic example of triangulation.  She is started up stuff between you and her finance because she has serious issue.

It really does not matter why she does this stuff.  You are both adults and it is not your problem.

Hardcore BPD/NPD do not get better, ever.  If a person just has BPD/NPD traits ie. controlling behaviors these can be corrected if the person is willing, but not a die hard BPD.  It is their personality and they are fully committed to it. 

You have my permission and blessing to live a happy peaceful life without her.

Thank you to everyone that replied.

When my sister first told me that BPD sister was hospitalized I felt a sense of relief.  But now it's just been replaced with sadness.  I took yesterday off from work.  I was hoping my therapist would be able to get me in, but I knew the odds of that happening were slim.  At one point I decided to go shopping to kill some time and take a break from reading (I'm halfway through Stop Walking on Eggshells).  I went to a Crate & Barrel because I have a gift card for there and we're finishing our basement and I thought maybe they'd have some interesting accessories. 

Almost immediately, I was just overcome with sadness.  BPD's wedding shower is supposed to be in a few days.  I got her a gift from Crate & Barrel and saw many of the items I know they registered for.  I just realized that this whole situation sucks.  I feel so sad for her, especially if she is hurting the way the eggshells book suggests.  I feel trapped and don't know what to do, if anything.  Of course my therapist is booked for another week and a half. 

My mom and other sister both asked me to leave BPD sister a message at the hospital.  So, I did that.  Even just trying to leave a 2 sentence message I got emotional and started crying.  I'm at work and I own the company, so it's really not awesome to be crying at work.  I also have no office and zero privacy here. 

Anyway, how did/do you work through all these feelings?  I don't know how to get over what's happening.  My biggest fear is that BPD sister's fiance will back out.  He doesn't seem like the type that would do that, but BPD is a huge thing and it's not easy to live with. 

I figured I would update my thread and see if anyone has any advice or support. 

BPD sister got out of the hospital shortly after the 72 hour hold.  She was set up with a therapist and that was that.  We were able to still have her wedding shower as planned. 

It's been a few weeks and my family is still processing everything.  My mom is quite angry with BPD sister for the thing she said during the family session my mom attended at the hospital.  My other sister is angry with her, too.  But, since the wedding is so soon no one wants to really rock the boat and instead we're all trying to just play BPD's game and keep her as stable as possible.

What concerns me is that my mom and sister both really want to step back from BPD sister.  I don't blame them one bit, of course, as I also want nothing to do with her.  But, that is not going to go over well at all.  BPD sister will freak out at a minimum and will likely either end up actually committing suicide or will be hospitalized again.  She is not going to take her punching bags stepping aside very well at all.

Meanwhile, BPD sister is continuing to cut and tells her friends all about it.  From what other people who struggled with cutting have told me, typically, you don't go around telling everyone that you do it.  They've said that they were embarrassed that they were cutting and didn't want anyone to find out.  But, BPD sister tells everyone so she can get more attention.  It's incredibly frustrating. 

All I can say for myself is that I haven't talked to BPD sister much and I have no desire to.  I am dreading her bachelorette party and wedding.   It's a shame because I'm spending a ton of money on both of those events and I know they won't be enjoyable.  I can't wait for all of that to be over.  I have a lot of anxiety thinking about what BPD sister is going to do after he wedding is over and she doesn't have the spotlight 100% of the time anymore.  If my mom and other sister pull back it's going to be that much more insane. 

Hey there YouHadMeAtHello,

wow that's a tricky one, but then again, aren't all scenarios with BPD's tricky? I don't think I have much advice to offer, either. Reading your post, I also worry that things might be worse after the wedding, once all the attention and fuss dies down. But I also think... .isn't she getting enough attention already, what with a wedding on the horizon? Why add so much negative attention, and such drama, to it all? But then again, that's the BPD showing through. Perhaps thinking that everybody thinks she must be soo happy because she's about to get married, so she just has to make sure that people know that she's actually got it really hard, and she's such a tough survivor. I'm just speculating here... .

I feel for you. I recognise that feeling too, that feeling of just wanting things to be over, and especially the stress of spending so much money on something and knowing there's a high chance you won't enjoy it.

You seem to get on well with your mum and other sister though, right?

I wonder, has anyone got any positive experiences though, where their lives have improved after cutting contact for good? (despite knowing that the BPD sufferer is still suffering though) because right now I'm really not sure anyone can have a good, healthy and well functioning relationship with someone suffering from BPD, life is just such a roller coaster with these people.

I also wonder if it's even possible to have a positive relationship with someone who has BPD.  My sister can be so challenging and she just takes and takes and takes.  She doesn't see it that way, of course, but she gives almost nothing in return.  Especially now. 

Luckily I do get along well with my mom and my other sister.  BPD sister really had us all divided for a while though.  She had my mom and other sister convinced that if I were just nicer to her everything would be so great.  It took a long time for them to realize that it's not possible to be nice enough to BPD sister.  They only came to that realization after I backed way off and BPD sister started using them the way she had previously used me.  But, since her hospitalization everyone has been more open to what I have been saying about BPD sister all along.  It's nice to finally not be alone in that regard. 

I feel like there's so much anxiety leading up to BPD's wedding though.  So much.  Everyone feels like it has to be perfect or BPD sister will have a total meltdown.  Which, of course, that's true.  Everyone has gone so above and beyond for every aspect of her wedding and the associated celebrations.  The bachelorette, for example, she has 14 people coming.  We're all traveling out of state to go wine tasting.  We'll have a private luxury bus to take us around.  We're staying in a fancy house.  We're all wearing coordinated t-shirts.  It's just so excessive in every respect and BPD doesn't really appreciate any of it.  She hardly said a single kind word about her shower, which was an equally over the top pinterest affair at a nice restaurant.  I feel very used by BPD sister as a result of all of this. 

So, when BPD sister isn't getting so much attention after the wedding she's really going to lose it.  Especially because my other sister and I have positive things going on in our lives that other people will show interest in.  I know BPD is going to threaten suicide and end up hospitalized again.  So, then what?  Does the cycle ever end?  Or is walking away the only way to "win" in this situation?  I don't know if my mom can realistically ever walk away.  Other sister and I can though and I think we both will since we have children that don't need to be around BPD's drama.

Hello YouHadMeAtHello 


I want to give you a big hug, because I can feel the stress and anxiety shimmering through your post. 

There is no way you can guarantee that your sister won't threaten suicide. I am sorry... .but there is also no way you can guarantee she won't one day go through with it.

I know what it is to be threatened with it. It's terrible. It's like you don't have an own life anymore. Practically the whole day I was thinking : will he do it ? And than, later, it became : 'when will he do it ?'

After my own experience (he attempted twice, but didn't succeed) I have an altered view on it all. I now feel that everyone has a choice. If your sister wants to take her own life, she can do that. I don't mean to sound harsh. I think it's just reality. No one can prevent her from taking her life. The only thing you can do is alert the authorities when she's in actual danger. As for the cutting : the same. If she's standing before you, cutting, you probably should call the medics. But for the rest ... .you cannot tie your sister to a chair. She's as free as you, and this also means that her choices are free.

You are very concerned about her. You are also saying you want to withdraw from her. And that sounds very understandable. And you know ... .you are allowed. I am a firm believer that we can only be and feel healthy if we surround ourselves with healthy people.

No contact does not have to be forever. If you decide you want to stop seeing her (in my very humble opinion the only wise decision) you can always, at any moment, come back on that decision.

I do have the feeling that you need to focus more on you now. And maybe on your kids. They need you. You might mean a lot more for them, than you can mean for your sister now.
You are talking a lot about your sister. But ... .what about you ? What are you doing for yourself ?

bachelorette party... .do you think alcohol may be a problem,  or is the activity not including drink? What's her fiancé's take on this at this point? Her friends?

What a way to start a new life    

Yes, I definitely need to focus more on myself and less on BPD sister.  That is hard to do currently when I get emails/texts daily about BPD's wedding or bachelorette party.  I am just biding my time until those events are over, I guess.  I can't wait to be done with them and done with BPD sister.  That might sound harsh, but it's how I feel.  Sometimes when she talks about suicide I think it would finally bring peace to everyone if she just did it.  Again, I'm sure that sounds horrible and it's not that I actually want her to die.  I want her to realize she has BPD and get help.  But, I don't think that will ever happen.   

My other sister has two young kids and I have one.  These kids don't need to be around BPD sister and her crazy.  I don't want BPD sister around my daughter.  I don't plan to invite her to my daughter's birthday party in the fall, for example, which I am sure will cause a huge problem and I'm dreading it.  But, what I really don't want to do is normalize BPD sister's behavior for my daughter.  It isn't normal and she doesn't need people like that in her life. 

I do think alcohol is a problem.  Unfortunately, the whole bachelorette party is centered around wine tastings.  I'm bringing non-alcoholic wine and other non-alcoholic options for people and won't be drinking much myself (although I do love wine). 

BPD's fiancé isn't much help.  He drinks to blackout drunk pretty much every weekend.  He never acts drunk so you can't really tell, but he'll do things he doesn't remember doing, like sending me the nasty text messages that started BPD's meltdown a few weeks ago that ultimately landed her in the hospital.  I'm glad she was hospitalized.  I don't know what fiancé thinks, but everyone in my family is certain that this definitely won't be the last time she's hospitalized.  It's probably just the first of many hospitalizations for her. 

So, yeah, BPD's fiancé is a wild card, IMO.  I have no idea if she has been hiding her crazy behaviors from him, or if he's too embarrassed to ask for help, or what.  BPD sister has been pretty terrible to me for years now, so it's hard to believe that she's able to hide that part of herself from her fiancé that she lives with, but I honestly just don't know.  He definitely has his own issues.  Other sister and I have suggested that BPD sister and her fiancé should both stop drinking.  That wasn't well received. 

One of the things I have learned the past few years, is that I don't have to answer to every message I get.  That was actually quite new to me, but it's perfectly possible to get a message, to not want to respond (or even read it) and to just ... .not respond.

Also, as a more drastic measure ... there are email filters.

Is there a reason why you still want to go to this party / to the wedding ?

Yeah, I am pretty much a professional at ignoring messages now.  But, just seeing them gets me to think about BPD sister again, even if I don't read or respond.  It bugs me that she's taking up so much head space, but at the same time, I am okay with it because knowing that it's BPD, her hospitalization, etc., are all relatively new things and I think it's normal for it to take up head space right now.  I think that will change as time goes on and I am definitely looking forward to that. 

As for the party and wedding, no, I don't want to go to either.  The only reason I am going is to support my other sister and the couple friends I have that I allowed to get close with BPD sister.  I feel an obligation to them since I sort of brought them into this mess (this was all before I realized sister was BPD and before she got as difficult as she is now though).  After the wedding is over and no one has as much of a sense of obligation to BPD sister I am pulling way back.  I need to for my sanity and I suspect my friends will do the same as the whole reason they associate with BPD sister is because of me.  We'll see.  If they are collateral damage, then that's just life. 

I am counting down the days though... .I even planned a vacation for a couple weeks after the wedding.  It's going to be awesome.