BPDFamily.com

Hello, all--

I am trying to support my wife who frequently finds herself at the receiving end of her sister's rage.  They are ostensibly partners in their mother's care and my wife does at least half of the "heavy lifting."  Despite this, my sister-in-law rages at my wife about her supposed shortcomings.  A question for others who understand: what has your experience been with I-statements followed by a plans to care for one's self, e.g.

When I get text like the above and the text sent on xx/xx I feel like an incompetent employee who is being being given marching orders by an angry boss--not as a partner in Mom's care.  To assure that I get the respect I deserve and that communication in Mom's care is transparent among all sisters, all future texts will be shared with [name of third sister who does not live nearby] and I will include her on all future texts with you regarding Mom's care. 

Any thoughts on the above would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks for adding me to the group.

Hi Donatelli, 

Welcome to our family! You've come to the right place to find others who are dealing with situations similar to yours. Please take the time to read and comment on the posts from others. It's how we learn and process and grow together.  |iiii

I think it's awesome that you are wanting to help your wife!


It's not a bad idea at all to share the texts with other family members in order to have a sense of support and validation because sometimes the other family members don't see that side of a pwBPD. I would encourage you to become familiar with FOG and triangulation and have posted links for you:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Do you feel that either of these topics might be helpful to you or your wife?

 
Wools

Hi donatelli:
I'd like to join Woolspinner2000in welcoming you.

Sharing in care decisions for an elderly relative can be a stressful situation for anyone involved.  Communicating and sharing decisions with someone with BPD or BPD traits takes the stress up several notches.  Unfortunately, I had a similar situation with interacting with a sibling with BPD traits.  If I didn't agree with something my sibling wanted to do/not do, I was told that "You just don't care about ____". I know how frustrating it can be.

Using text messages, can make things worse.  Because most people are so spontaneous with texts, it's easy to deliver a message that can be offensive.  Texts definitely have a purpose, when you need to grab someone's attention for something urgent.  In most instances, however, it might be best to use email.  Texts can be used down the road to fine tune and execute an agreed upon plan, or to provide status.

Unfortunately, we still need to walk on a few eggshells, when using "I"-Statements.  Since I don't have the exact words that appeared in the text you refer to, I'll have to make a few assumptions.  I took a crack at an alternate statement below, that softens things up a bit.  The reference about "feeling like an employee being given marching orders" might not be taken well by a person with BPD. 

SAMPLE:
"While I know that you, sister 2, and I won't always agree on the medical or care decisions for mom, it's important to me that the 3 of us have have an opportunity a have a mutually respectful discussion before a final decision is made.  The above note you sent made me feel angry, disrespected and excluded from the decision making process.  I ask that the 3 of us have an equal opportunity to offer input.

Let's have initial discussions via email, so that we can interact more clearly.  Please copy both sister 2 and me on all emails and texts about mom's care.  If sister 2 isn't copied on an upcoming email or text, about mom's care, I'll assume it is an oversight and then forward a copy to her.

Let's use texts for short interacts, after clarity and mutually respectful communication has already been accomplished (via email or phone). The situation with mom is stressful for all of us. I know that there will be times when the 3 of us won't always agree.  We both will have times when we may need to compromise on some decision.  I suggest these communication changes to offer the best opportunity for all 3 of us to have mutually respectful communications and to minimize the chance for misinterpretations."

Just as a side note.  Your wife should decide which battles about care are most important to her and which battles to engage in, when there are differences of opinion.  Some issues won't be worth battling for, while others will.  Sometimes, with important issues, no action might have to be the course, until a compromise can be reached.

Let us know how it goes.