BPDFamily.com

My step-daughter has BPD. She has lived for 4 years with her enabling, codependent, manipulative, sheltering mother and was only seeing my husband sporadically and me at Christmas and Easter. She texted hubbie in early December that she didn't want to see him ever again. We gave her Christmas presents which was reported that she enjoyed (has in her room) because of my step-son. My husband has been so hurt that he hasn't responded otherwise. We are wanting to start sending her cards (we know the address but phone and email have changed) every two weeks or so.
Questions:
-Do we just say generic things like 'We love you,'?
-Do we not communicate with her at all like she asked?
-Can I as step-mom say in a card how I am hurt and confused?
-What should we say as we re-open communication?

Welcome to you, Parentsinpain.   Can't tell you how many times I have used that phrase because of our problems with our uBPD.

First of all... .how old is your step-daughter?  Has she been officially diagnosed with having BPD?

Many of us here know the pain that comes when a child wants to sever contact.  It hurts!  I so wish I had not reacted in the way I have done over the years.  My daughter wanted a victim and I played right into her hands... .fueling her fire.

Think about a cooling-off period with your step-daughter.  She has requested no contact.  By all means, a card at let's say Easter (or whatever holidays you observe) with nothing other than an "I love you"... .or "Thinking about you".  You are keeping a door open.  There is no pressure being put on her for a reply.  Be prepared that you may not get one... .but she knows you are not cutting her off.

I highly recommend that you make good use of this website.  It is YOU who has to make changes, Parentsinpain.  You have no power over what she decides to do but any change in the way you handle situations affects her.

You write that she is living with her mother... .so she is (relatively?) safe... .not on the streets.  That is one less thing for you to worry about.  Believe me, none of us wanted to find ourselves here... .but we are... .and not all is doom-and-gloom. 

Hope to hear more from you as you continue on this not-so-easy-journey... .what worked... .what didn't work.  We really do learn from each other here.   Take comfort in knowing that heads do nod when they read your posts.

Huat

WELCOME Parentsinpain,
        I'm so sorry you have found your way here, but I'm also very glad you did! This is the right place to start. I am the parent of a 35 year old BPD, I can feel your confusion and pain in this situation. It's always hard on a parent to hear mean words from their child. Even it is in a text. I read your questions, they are valid and unfortunately common ones here on this board. It is not for me to answer them for you but, I can help by sharing what has worked for me.
       First how long have you known she is BPD? Have you read or learned anything about BPD? There are great threads on the board and great lessons to the right -----> Also how old is she? There have been only a couple brief time periods that my daughter didn't live with me. During those times it was because of her doing. For me I stayed constant, I love you, always have no matter what, always will. Generic like you said but, it was always the same message (even though I knew she was not able to process it).
         I can truly understand your desire to share with her that she has hurt you and that you are confused. It seems natural to want an explanation, that is one of the hardest parts of dealing with BPD, as parents we often don't get those. You know this daughter, her dad knows her too, ultimately you both must come to some common ground in dealing with her. Sometimes, more often than not, when given some time and space our BPD children will initiate communication again on their own.
         I know how much this hurts, for me when there are times of shut down communication; I use that time to refocus myself, get my footing again. Maybe take some time to do something enjoyable together - you both have much shared pain. Keep coming back, posting, asking questions and let us keep supporting you both. Bluek9

Thanks for your kind words already.

She is 19, and was diagnosed before she was 18, that's how sure they were that she had it. We knew she had it for a year before that as my brother is a psycho-therapist. She hasn't lived with us for 3 1/2 years, but it was 3 months ago that she said she never wanted to see us again.

I have been attending NAMI's family support group for about 6 months and have just become one of their trainers. We both go to counseling weekly for this and other things.

I'd like to join Huat and bluek9 and welcome you to our community.

 *hi*

You are amongst friends here who understand and we look forward to getting to know you and supporting you.

Welcome 

WDx

Hi parentsinpain

Your pseudonym says it all and I really feel your pain.  I have been cut off from my DD27 and GD1 a few months ago over a relatively minor incident (major for her though).

Once I got through the fog of pain and anger, I started to move towards acceptance.  Huat has some great advice and I have recently sent a card and gift to my daughter and although it has not reconnected us, I'm feeling better about letting her know I love her while still looking after myself and retaining my boundaries about some of her BPD behaviour.

I don't know if I have it right... .it's a work in progress and it will be for you and your husband.  Glad that you're coming here and asking questions it really shows you care about your husband and step-daughter. |iiii

Merlot

Hi parentsinpain,

My heart goes out to you, those few words telling us that they want nothing to do with us, that seem to be said so easily, cause unimaginable pain.

With me and my son, I was told very politely by him to just leave him alone. For the most part I have respected his wishes, not wanting to antagonise him, but I do send him birthday and Christmas wishes. I would like to try and reconnect with him sometime in the future. When I mentioned this to my counsellor she asked me to consider the fact that although I might be ready to initiate contact, he might not be ready to receive it. That was something that I had certainly never thought of. It’s so easy to think of what we want, forgetting about what they want, but they have a right to choose too. If we find that we want different things we have to learn to accept that.

No one can tell you what to do for the best, what works for one might not work for another. Keeping things low key to try and establish some contact seems to work for some. I wouldn’t recommend telling her how hurt and confused you’ve been, she probably wouldn’t be able to deal with it.

It is obvious how much you love and want the best for your step daughter x

Please don't judge but how do you, as parents, want to maintain contact when its such a viscous, painful pattern.  Mine is 21 and Im exhausted and ready to cut off contact

mybabygirl23

You will not be judged here, we all understand what each one of us is going through. No one can blame you if you reach the point where you say “enough is enough”. We are all just mums doing the best for our kids that we possibly can, but sometimes that alone is not enough.

It seems to me that you have done all that you can, you are exhausted and you are seeing the need to start putting yourself first for once. Is this how you are feeling?   sending you hugs x