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Hoping someone can help me understand this.   My UexBPDw sometimes comes up with great plans but never follows through.  For example, she wanted to start a weekly dinner at her house for the kids.  The kids have told her many times she is unreliable and doesn't follow through so they don't trust her to get them anywhere or plan anything.  So I reach into my bag of tools my counselor gave me and pull out S.E.T.  I lean into this and ensure I support her request, have empathy that she needs my parenting time, and she can trust me to get them to her house.  I make the kids go over to her house on my parenting day for this dinner she wanted.  She had dinner for them twice in 8+ weeks.  Now when I take them over to her house she says "Oh I didn't know you were coming over, or Why are you here?"  This one really gets me, she says to the kids. "You need to communicate better and let me know before you are coming over I can't read your mind."     What did I just hear! Are you kidding me!  You're the adult here!  You need to show them that you value them and your time with them and put them above all others! 

It's like that entire conversation is non existent in her mind.  This isn't the first plan she's come up with and not followed through with.  Why?  She beats me up constantly that she doesn't get to see the kids as much as she would like but cannot commit to a plan and be accountable.  But when it fails it's somehow my fault and I'm making her look like a bad parent.  It's like in her mind she built herself up to this plan or someone helped her with it but then when it comes to actually doing it she freezes and then wipes it from memory because it's a bad feeling.  She won't even acknowledge that she sent the request that is in an email!  It states clearly what day, what time, and how long!  But it didn't happen!  #SoConfused

So... .I have two thoughts.

1.  She is using this to "confirm" that she still has the ability to manipulate you... .or get you to respond "outside normal boundaries" (which is why her ideas can only work on your parenting time... .not hers).

2.  She enjoys (or it works for her) having plans that give her flexibility to flake out and still hold you responsible.

So... .what to do?

It seems you use email... .I would make sure you "design" the agreements so that she must act (communicate) just prior to what she wants.

So... .dinner is a yes.  Kids and I are flexible and will be ready.  If we get an email at 4pm saying you are ready and dinners is a go, I will bring them over.

What you don't say or explain (let her figure it out) is her inaction results in your inaction.

Or you could just refuse to modify your parenting time, but I don't think that is the way forward... .yet.

Thoughts?

When you look at this from the point of view that she "likes the confusion"... .this makes more sense.  Instead of her putting you in a pickle... .put her in one, in order to alter your plans.

FF

Anamika,

That must be so confusing, both for you and the kids.  

There is a lot written about memory and BPD. Managing intense emotions or hidden stressors on a near-continuous basis have a way of disrupting some of the cognitive processes, memories don't get stored properly, etc.

Either way, it seems like the problem is that she shifts responsibility to you, and that's frustrating.

How about when she mentions dinner again, email to say, "Remind me by noon the day you want to have dinner with them so I can get them there on time. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you'd prefer a different day and we can reschedule."

Let her be the one to cross her Ts and dot her Is.


Don't chase this stick if you can avoid it. It costs her nothing to blame you for what is ultimately her responsibility. No point in you paying the price.

Your kids see her falling down on the job, and that hurts and needs to be validated. But trying to shelter them from that won't protect them, it just teaches them to do cartwheels for difficult people.