BPDFamily.com

I'd like to ask your feedback on this still crazy feeling that I noticed comes back once in a blue moon.

Until 6 years ago I used to participate in this forum, then, few months after the last breakup with my former girlfriend (who has BPD) I was so frustrated and emotionally destroyed that I simply left the forum. Just a quick background ... .About 6 months after the breakup I called her as I was unemployed and she owed me some money, she hung up on my face and then I went to her home and knocked on her door, she saw me and called police. I left immediately as I was actually surprised she would call 911. But I noticed in her eyes she saw me as the devil at that moment. Long story short, she told a bunch of lies/distortions and I had a 2 year process that ended up with me being declared innocent with a clean record... great relief as I never had issues with police before and after that!

This situation helped me to detach from her big time as I realized how my former "best friend" was in reality someone who could damage my life in any possible way without even thinking twice. And of course she doesn't seem to remember or understand how serious what she did was. How do I know that? Because this last December we went to a Christmas party that was ran by our religious centre... she had already been in a few similar events a couple of years before, and in those occasions I had absolutely no eye contact or anything (I just wanted to completely ignore her).

Well, this time, she made a "subtle" move. I went to get some food, and then I swear I felt this nervous energy as if someone was next to me with a super fast heart beat... .and indeed, I turned my face and she was next to me, very very close.

I didn't do anything and just left from her side. Nothing else happened, and no contact since then. Great!

But today I felt her, very strong, and my current girlfriend also felt strange and started to talk about my ex. My current gf is very sensitive and so am I.

I know it may sound crazy, but even after these years, even after what my ex did to me, even if I completely know there's not a chance in hell I would be happy with her, still we are connected. No matter how many times I believed that I was finally free from this sick love, still, it comes back when I least think of it.

What is this? I know deep inside my mind, there's a side of me that would've done anything for that love to work, and in fact I did so many things that people could not believe to help my ex get access to all sorts of evaluations and treatments as she indeed got. I took good care of me too, and my life moved on. But still... .

Reality check? I never felt so much love for a woman as I did for my ex, and I guess that feeling became a drug... .will I ever recover for real? Thanks in advance!

Hi I_was_blind,

Interesting situation. I can relate to the "feeling" of someone near, or thinking of you, etc. Something similar happened after my breakup, too. It's been six years for me, too, though, and those kinds of incidents have stopped.

I think it's because I don't think of pwBPD much anymore. He is not part of my life or in my head. Sure, thoughts of him or our relationship come into my mind from time to time, but there is no "energy" associated with it. Perhaps that's because we weren't together very long?


I'd like to challenge this statement a bit and ask what love means to you? I'm not saying you and your ex didn't love each other, but what I've learned for myself is that I may have been mistaken about the depth of our "love" for each other.

In my situation, there was a lot more need involved than was healthy. There was anxiety and fear of abandonment, which may feel like love, but are actually just fear. Many of us have conflated love with that fluttery, panicky feeling of not wanting to lose the connection with a person. I was especially susceptible to this because of the situation in my FOO.

In western culture, love has also been described as a drug that you can't get enough of.

What are your thoughts about it? What's different with your relationship now—do you love your current partner?

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole, thank you for your comments :)

Before dating my ex, I had a 18-year relationship with my former wife and we had a real loving relationship. So, my "school of love" (if I can say that)  was a good one, even though we ended up the relationship (and we have a good relationship as ex-husband ex-wife).

My relationship with my ex-gf with BPD had many positive points. We were already very good friends when we started dating. We were both the type of people who could talk about issues in a very honest way. We were both very affectionate and dedicated parents. Hmmm, sex was amazing!  And we had this magic that is really hard to explain (we were very very intuitive about each other, like we could totally read each other). She also had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

The sick side, the BPD, was something completely out of anything I was used to, and I realized the patterns very fast (I analyze information and patterns for living). I realized she needed help, and I knew I could help (note: even though the fact that helping the woman I loved was very gratifying, I would totally trade that feeling for having her just being normal - I loved her "normal" being, including her "normal" problems). 

The anxiety and fear of abandonment also occurred with me (I was being abandoned for real, frequently, and this made me very anxious :) but this is already the twisted love part, the part that came with the sick situations were lived. I do believe I loved her for real, and this love felt like something extremely beautiful then. Maybe what I miss is this feeling that, so far, I haven't been able to feel again. It was so beautiful, it's really hard to explain.

Note: I was reading my posts from that time here in the forum... my god, I was so inspired, I think something broke inside of me and I was never able to be that guy again, even though I've gained other qualities.

You've asked about my current gf (who doesn't have BPD :) ... .I have love feelings for her, but it's not a true love. We've tried, but we don't work well as a couple, personalities are not that compatible. We're together not for the long run.

Maybe this is also part of this "connection"with my ex-gf... it's as if that love feeling became sort of a benchmark, but if this is the case I swear it's in my unconscious mind (anyways, there are so many things we feel but we not conscious about them). Sorry, I'm not sure I gave you clear answers 

Hi I_was_blind,

I can relate to what you've written. I, too, had long-term loving relationships before pwBPD. The breakups were painful, of course, but we all moved on to good things and people.

Also, with pwBPD: we had what I would call a "spiritual" connection, too. Love, respect, things in common, etc. Very heady, very deep.

Then came the abrupt about-faces which floored me, over and over. And much more that I won't get into.

You may very well be mourning a great love. All I can say is that my relationship and its aftermath cured me of wanting that kind of connection again. That may sound cynical, but I hope it's realistic and borne of the realization that what I have always sought from my partner has been right here, with me, all the time.

In other words, my partner is the icing; I'm the cake.  :)

I'm interested in what others have to say. I'm always learning and growing.

heartandwhole

I think this is probably what it is, the love for who she was to me, and for whom I was in that relationship. The level of motivation I had was at a peak, but this should not be a matter that for whatever reason I relate to that relationship, the motivation is there I just need to find the path back and this path is in myself. The cake recipe is with me :)

A funny feeling that came back to me after my post yesterday was about the drama that I had to live with while in that relationship, a drama for absolutely no reason. I remember the first woman I dated after my ex-gfwBPD... it was like "wow, I've forgotten how life is actually much simpler ... .I like this person, she likes me back, and THIS is not a problem" :) I got in fact pretty fed up with some memories that resurfaced, like "I can't believe I invested so much for that kind of mess".

So, coming back here and reading your comments was indeed very therapeutic, thank you! Wish you the best you deserve, thanks