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It seems online dating is in fact flooded with personality disorders, specifically BPD.

Since all I was looking for was a distraction these days, I went back online looking for a new one.

It’s been 7 weeks since I ended a 2 month online something, can’t really call it s relationship with a upwBPD. I’ve accepted that’s over and nothing good can come of it. Basically when I finally agreed to meet her an let my guard down I was already being devalued (or could have been the day before even i don’t know she might have gotten jealous or thought I was angry). When I tried to get her back she just ended it with I NEVER TRUSTED YOU, ILL NEVER MEET YOU, DONT CONTACT ME OR ILL GET A R/O.

Fast foward to just 2 days ago I started to talking to a new girl, within minutes she gives me her number, and just minutes after sends me nudes. In the conversation she drops in her personal problems. By nightfall she has sent me every inch of her body. The next day more flirting and more of the sexting, and later tells me all her mental illnesses, history of abuse, failures in life, doesn’t like the feeling of condoms, drug abuse, was engaged months ago, wants to me for sex... .and then drops she has a personality disorder. Specifically BPD. She’s given up on medications, and apparently went through DBT, but not anymore.

I’m not posting this in detachment as I’m not attached. I contemplated on meeting her just to keep a physical relationship but I’m on the edge knowing she can still go through the cycles.

Goal here was just to inform, be careful with online dating. It seems like a great option when your busy, don’t like the bar scene, or even older, but it looks like a haven for PD.

i havent tried online dating, but i dont think its that there is a higher percentage of people with personality disorders on online dating sites, any more than the rest of the dating pool. remember, about 5-6% of the population has a clinical personality disorder (2% for BPD).

dating is a screening process. one really needs to know what to screen for. as we get older, the pool of healthy candidates does narrow (and the percentage of disordered people, or people with pronounced traits becomes higher, relatively speaking).

online dating tends to present you with a wider field of candidates than traditional dating. you will see more of all kinds of things.

LIFE is filled with people with BPD. My first relationship with a disordered person was a woman I met IRL. The 2nd was online dating.

Interesting. Honestly IRL haven’t encountered any (maybe they were, I just didn’t know?) but at least none I was romantically interested/invested in. Online I’ve got a very simple clear cut profile, with just hobbies and interests, so it can’t be words that attract. Can’t imagine physical appearance is it.

She’s 24, just like other one I met. Younger women so far that have been interested in me, I’m 2 for 2 with PD. I guess it’s hard to place a cause and effect, if there is one. Guess it’s just bad luck.

It sounds like you know the red flags to be aware of now.  :)o you plan to continue the online dating or opt for meeting people IRL?  It's interesting that you still considered meeting with this woman, even if just for a short time.  Can you identify what it was that attracted your attention enough to think about that?

Love and light x

The red flags have made me hyper-aware, like others have mentioned how they find themselves analyzing and over analyzing after such an encounter.

Yes the purpose was always to meet in person, I just found it easier as I don’t have the time to go out and bar hop. With the first person that got me here, she apparently was just testing the waters, so I was fine, kept cool, talked with her. She wanted to meet within a week. My schedule and the holidays didn’t allow it. In the last week when we ere going to meet she suddenly described some fears and anxiety (told me I make her anxious, just wouldn’t be more open, plus i didn’t know what to ask or say not knowing about BPD). When we’re going she said this is too fast, so to slow it dish I became distant and made it casual (again sounds like a bad idea now as it would further abandonment). By now she was in devalue and discard and the day before meeting it was off.

So yes all these flags, but if you don’t put the disorder together, you can find your way going there, from boredom, from curiosity, or simply just sex (I was reluctant even thought she gave crazy signals so quick, really pressed no condom, and didn’t want to get tested, said she will, she’s not symptomatic).

With this one? I’m not sure. Why meet her? Much like then other one, she’s quite the siren (aren’t they all? Lol). She says she’s recovering. She says she’s cut out a lot of people in the past, so must mean those awful exes she mentioned split black. Splits her family Black regularly too.

Are those remotely signs of someone recovering?

That stems a good question

You already know the answer to this, don't you? This is not someone who looks out for her own sexual health (no condom with a man she doesn't know) or her own mental health (revealing all her problems to a man she's never met.) 

You've contemplated just having sex with her because you can. Is it ok to take someone up on their offer for sex, knowing she isn't healthy, has been abused, will not protect her own body? IMO, you'd be inviting yourself a fat headache, and probably doing even more damage to a damaged woman.

I agree with the above poster who asked, why are you engaging in this behavior? Are you unwilling to put in the work involved in getting a healthy woman to be sexual with you?

These are questions I recently had to ask myself. Was chatting online with a very, very good looking much younger man. Seemed ok, if sort of vain and not terribly smart, at first. Then, in the middle of a getting-to-know-you conversation, he sent the unsolicited d**k pic. Sigh.

I briefly thought ok, he's hot, why not just hit it? Then it occurred to me that a man so clueless about how to seduce me and engage with me wasn't going to be very good in bed. Blocked. I can hold out for someone with more to offer than the fact that he's good looking and horny.   

Interesting sharing. Thank you The Cat in d Hat  

My conscience won’t allow it anyways. I might think I know how to deal with this, but there’s no way I can act on it. Sigh, it probably will be a headache. I already told her I’m not ready, did my best to reduce the “rejection”.

I don’t like bar hopping, either. Fortunately, it isn’t the only way to meet interesting people, The Cat.  :)

Do you have interests/hobbies that could put you in the company of others, in a casual way? Public library? Concerts? 

heartandwhole

I would think that online "dating" ads on Craigslist would definitely attract a higher percentage of BPD advertisers than some others.

Sorry to offend anyone who has used that site to date, but there's just something very odd about the ads there.

J

The boyfriend before me, the ex found him on Tinder. Tinder is a great site for impulsive sex seekers like my diagnosed exBPDgf. It's all about the sex, nothing about a relationship. I'm sure she trolled for victims while we were together.

I often wonder if there are some pwBPD that purposely advertise the fact they have BPD on Tinder or Craigslist in order to JUST have a sexual relationship with no interest in pursuing a real relationship. There is a myth that pwBPD are hypersexual and great in bed. I'm guessing there may be non's that target pwBPD online and at bars just to have a sexual relationship with.

What do you guys think?

I don't think most nons even know of the existence of BPD. However girls with daddy issues is something we hear a lot about so maybe people do target pwBPD but think its something else. Not that I'm saying daddy issues is a BPD thing just that there are identifiers out that that people pick up on and target.

Once Removed is correct, "online dating is a screening process".  Also, other things are in the mix:

• The dating site you use.  If you use a site that is famous for sex hookups and short flings, you are more apt to find people who have personality disorders or various addictions.
• How you present yourself in your profile and describe what you are looking for, can make a difference.
• Learn to weed out and not respond to those who are into risky behaviors. Those people are more likely to have mental health issues.
• Learn to look beyond "siren" qualities and look for those who are emotionally balanced/healthy

Sounds like you may be attracted to the "siren", but the "siren" in more apt to be BPD.  The Millionaire Matchmaker makes reference to someone's "picker" being broken.  Perhaps that is part of the problem for you.  

Perhaps with using different dating sites, adjusting your profile and adjusting the qualities you search for, you might be less apt to find people with emotional health issues.  If your focus is on a short fling, you may have to accept that you are probably going to attract a much higher percentage of BPD women.  

Perhaps some things need to be adjusted.



        

Hi Cat. Being able to move on from a pwBPD relationship is a triumph. Good on you for being able to do so in a timely manner. I know you were distraught upon coming here. I’m glad you found help here. That’s why we’re here.

It appears you’ve moved on from X, and on to Z from the same resource, and you seem concerned about that. I understand. What has changed within you between X and Z? What are you looking for in a woman at this point in your life?

I have read that social media and dating sites are riddled with PD’s. I’m also biased because I met my ex on a dating site. That doesn’t mean that you have to pick someone that you’re timid about and intrigued by at the same time. Question. What do you think about a girl that sends you her full, naked body through texts before even meeting you in person? Say it is only a sexual encounter. What are the risks involved in having sex with someone this reckless?

My thoughts exactly.

Heartandwhole asked a good question about considering other ways to meet viable partners.  In fact, I believe that if we work on being the person we aspire to be and live our lives in alignment with our values, we are more likely to simply attract someone who is like minded.  I met one of my emotionally healthy partners at a job interview we both were candidates for.  Neither of us got the job, but we got one another.  You can meet a potential partner literally anywhere.  What do you spend your free time doing Cat?

Love and light x