BPDFamily.com

Date: 11-2015(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif)Minutes: 6:45
Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila

In this video, psychologist and researcher Joanna Davila talks about the 3 skills that are important in healthy relationships. She calls this collection of skills Romantic Competence:

• Insight: Awareness of your and your partner's needs. Understanding and knowing who you are, and who your partner is.
  
  
• Mutuality: Acknowledging that both people in the relationship have needs—and that their needs matter—and working toward meeting them together.
  
  
• Emotional Regulation: Being able to regulate your emotions when responding to experiences in the relationship. Learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings without taking it out on your partner.
  

Davila then gives an example and talks about how we need to teach young people these skills, early, so that they will understand what they really want and need in a relationship, and learn to choose good partners. I think that is such a key point.

How do you rate your Romantic Competence in the three skill areas, and overall?

Which skills need improvement, or were problematic in your last relationship?

I look forward to the discussion and your insights.

heartandwhole

High
Low
Low
Low.  

Being the latchkey kid is a single BPD mother I expected more.  I expected the ability to cope as I did,  which was too focused on me and not on her.  She needed the empathy I refused to give past a certain point.  

If my pwBPD did this for me, I'd be very low on everything. He claims that I was a horrible, horrible wife. I had a tough time with "insight" because he has very difficult chronic health problems, and I had trouble knowing how to support him in that, particularly when he constantly made choices that made them worse and took medication that made him aggressive and proud. After his suicide attempt, he decided that he was going to go for what he wanted in life, no holds barred, and of course that made things tough. My close friends say they don't know how I did it for so long.

Needless to say, I'd rate him low on everything. My therapist pointed out that with no close friendships, even at work, no surprise that our homelife was imbalanced. He basically despises people.

At my core though, I believe I have good romantic competence. I have close relationships with my two adult children, my relatives, and several friends. I have zero interest in dating though.

I think I would rate low on mutuality, especially as regards my needs.

I'm a giver and don't expect much back. However, when my efforts are criticized or insulted, I tend to retreat from the person.

It seems as though my giving mentality has been the playground for pwBPDs.

J

Medium
Low
Low
Low

Obviously, in the beginning, I would’ve broken the pressure gauge. Like Jeffree, I’m a giver in the same way. Once the giving turns into selfish taking and entitlement, I’m not so giving anymore.

Insight, I thought I knew who she was. When the mask came off, I lost myself trying to get the girl I met back.

Mutuality, it became a one way street for both of us, and our one way streets were going in opposite directions most of the time.

Emotional Regulation, anybody that’s read my OP knows why this one tanked.

Good survey!

i would rate myself decently on everything but emotional regulation. historically, ive let my fears or insecurities, or triggers get the best of me.

If I was asked at the beginning of the relationship, I'd probably have said:

high
high
high
high

At the end of the relationship, I'd rate myself this way

medium
low
medium
low

... .with a total score of D-

That tells me that going in, it seemed I had things together, but during the relationship everything gradually went out the window. That's important information for me.

For example, I let mutuality slip because pwBPD's needs took more and more precedence. I needed his needs to be met so that the relationship would continue (thereby fulfilling my need not to be abandoned). I regulated my emotions, by bulldozing. I forged ahead despite what my body and head/heart were telling me. It seemed that we both had lots of insight into ourselves and each other in the beginning. By the end, I hardly recognized myself as I was still attempting to "rescue" him even as he was breaking up with me (again).

heartandwhole