BPDFamily.com

Hi  

Wishing our mothers here in the UK a happy mothers day, it can be a difficult time and day for some of us Mums and you are in our thoughts, if you are up for a chat and support we are listening.  

Today we are chilling out and I'm looking forward to a surprise (Vegan  ) dinner.

WDx  

Hi WD

Here’s hoping you’ve enjoyed your surprise dinner, how lovely for you.

Well, this time last year Mothers Day was especially painful for me as it was a few months after my adult son with BPD traits had decided to go no contact with me and no matter how hard I wished and willed that email to just pop into my inbox, it never came. Knocked back down again! So many of us have been there so many times, and it hurts.

This year, it’s different, not because I’m reconciled with my son, no, not much chance of that, not while he still sees me as the worst mother ever. Not while he still blames me for everything that’s not right in his life and not while he believes that I no longer love him despite me telling him over and over again. And not while he says he doesn’t love me anymore. All hard things that we mothers endure... .because we love our children.

This year is different because I am different. I have come such a long way since finding my here, I never thought that not too many months ago when I joined, that I would be here now writing this. But here I am. I have learned so much, I have read posts, I have reached out for support and I have at times been truly overwhelmed by the responses that I have received.

So, this year, yet again, I have received no word from my son, no Happy Mothers Day, Mum, nothing. Was I expecting anything? No. Would I have liked to receive something? Most definitely! Did I even hope for something? Kind of even though I knew deep down that there would be nothing.

This year was different because I didn’t dwell on not getting anything from my son, not like last year, when despite having two loving daughters who celebrated Mother’s Day with me, I still wanted more. I focused on the negative, not the positive.
Well today really was different. Today I focused on the positive. I have rejoiced in the fact that I have two wonderful loving daughters. I miss not having my son as part of my family but I will no longer let that break me.

I can say in all honesty that today was a great Mother’s Day for me. I hope that all you mothers out there have a great Mothers Day too, whether it be now or sometime in the future x

Hi FB

It was delicious FB and I was gifted a beautiful water colour painting.

That's wonderful you had a great mothers day celebrating with your two loving daughters, today you focused on the positive and I bet your girls see the difference in you, the changes you're making, as you say you'll no longer let this break you or your family. And the difference from last year is you did not dwell on not getting anything from your son, you gave yourself the space to enjoy your time with your daughters.

FB you've come such a long way, you've worked hard on your learning and taking care of you, putting you first and I know that's not easy, I hope you are proud of you, I am.  :)

Onwards we go

WDx

Hi

I’m glad you’ve both had a good Mother’s Day.

I woke up with that dread feeling. Years of conditioning I guess.

I got stuck into some much needed cleaning, I started to get cross at the state of the family bathroom. Irritated as hell. My younger son turns up at the door, dragged himself out of bed with a flower planter and a card - “I’m sorry you’re having to clean the bathroom, is there anything I can do?”.  Thank you so very much, that’s so thoughtful the flowers are lovely - Yes please, could you run the vac around?

I found I was slightly lifted. Hubbie came home after doing a supermarket shop. I’m doing Sunday dinner today - would you like a coffee? Yes please I say - it’s nice out, shall we sit outside in the garden?

Sat outside with my feet up enjoying the very first rays I’ve felt of spring sunshine. It was warm, birds singing. I tried to make myself present. I honestly didn’t have expectations. Perhaps I felt cross because of all the other previous Mother’s Day - very bad memories.

Im not proud of myself. I can’t help feeling a sense of self pity on special days. Others are out having perfect family get togethers. I’m getting better at it because of my work here and sharing in the forum. Actually a LOT better than I was.

In walks son27 with a bunch of flowers. I’m immediately whole. NEVER has this happened before.  All three in unison. It’s not the presents, it’s connecting together, it’s as I feel it should be.

Lovely family dinner a few hours later. Posted up photo on Instagram so my boys know my gratefulness of their thoughtfulness.

I had a good day.

What this experience tells me is that it’s all about my reaction. Reflecting, I can see that my younger son knows/feels my incompleteness. When he sees me “whole” (always when son27 makes it so) he takes this as a slight, he feels that I love son27 more than him.

I was very very careful to evenly spread out the praise. Then son27 got up from the table and said “so how much did your flowers cost?”. Ggggrrrrr. I flash a look at my husband. My younger son flipped back “I don’t work, so in earnings to spend ratio, quite a lot actually”. I looked at younger son and smiled and nodded.

On the surface, we’re ok. I’m grateful that I had a lovely day. It’s made me aware though that perhaps I need to let go of this need to feel “whole”, that I need both sons to behave like I want them to on what I consider to be a very special day.

What on Earth can I do to make my younger son feel as loved equally? He knows I love him but as he says “just not as much”. I can now see my feeling of incompleteness can come across that way to him. It’s such a balancing act.  

Feeling better’s post makes me understand better - just be grateful.

Now... .what to do with my younger son 17.  

Thanks for reading

LP

Ps. Who knew that my husband was capable of producing such a fine dinner!