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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: randomuser94 on March 11, 2018, 03:40:27 PM



Title: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: randomuser94 on March 11, 2018, 03:40:27 PM
  As the title says: what's the worst break-up you had with your ex/BPD that got reversed? How long did they kept you painted black? What pushed them back? Did it worked or just for a while?
  I wanna hear some stories and see if I should expect something from my exBPD.
 
  For me went as follows:
 She wanted space to 'breath'. I took it as it is and expect her to just stay away from me for a while. What she did was actually hook-up with another guy.
 I did my best to stay away from her during this time, but one day she came home and acted like she was again in love with me. I thought the cycle was over. It was not. She leaves again and ignore me for the next 4 days.
 Few days later I get a msg from her new lover telling me I'm a monster and I should never touch her again. He threaten me to never touch her again. I got confused and went ahead to meet the guy. She was there with him, acting like a victim. I just talked with the guy. Apparently she told him lots of bad things about me. I decided that's better for me to leave, so I did. All of a sudden she went crazy, started yelling, insulting me. Told me that i'm just like her father.
  A month of "I hate you, don't leave me followed" where every time we met she started insulting me and ending with her telling how much she loves me. She had a suicide attempt as well.
  She kept insulting me to every friend she had. I decided to leave. This made her even more angrier. She told her mother i made her a @#$@, told everyone that I quieted the relation. The list of things she called me, and told others i've called her is too long to write it down.
  We met again today(almost 2 months since all of this started). She only threw insults at me with no remorse. "I was never good enough for her. I've ruined our relation. I was never there for her. I will never find another girl like her. Our relation is her only life-regret. She is over me and that i will always think of her while I'll be with other girls."+ she listed a things that "ive said or called her", thing that I never said but they way she believed it shocked me... .
  I felt only hate from her during all this time. Apparently she has another relation as well(2nd one in less than a month).



Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: CryWolf on March 11, 2018, 03:57:00 PM
Hey Randomuser94,
Im sorry you're experiencing that. It must make you feel terrible inside that someone you love can shift back and forth like that. I believe everyone is different. Some pwBPD can be mad and paint you black for months or some for days or just hours. Sometimes it depends on the situations and how it can trigger a past event for them. Giving my pwBPD space worked a lot. Sometimes me being there for them worked as well. When she would accuse me of cheating or her saying she cheated on me when I know she didn't, it was her way of saying she wanted to get closer and missed me. So we would go out and spend time and things were good again. I didnt know of BPD at this time but I knew what worked for her.


Mine falsely accused me of rape one time after she was losing an argument. Said if i contact her, she will call the cops. A month later, I texted her something random. We then hook up and I was scared and literally had to ask her "if she consent". She knew she efffed up and was in the wrong. Months later, I spoke to a therapist, they dictated that my pwBPD may have been sexually molested as a child.


Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: BasementDweller on March 12, 2018, 02:44:05 AM
I'm sorry to read that both of you had such traumatic events happen. I don't think mine was as bad as that, but still pretty awful. My dBPDbf (we live together since about 2 years ago) started disregulating/dissociating really badly last October right before his birthday. We had a big party planned (often a trigger for BPD people, but he really wanted to have it) and all of his family members including his ex wife and her husband, as well as his sister, all the kids in the family, etc. were to be attending. I really like the family, get along well with the ex, but his sister has a major histrionic personality disorder, and he and she often bicker like crazy and have dramatic periods of no contact where they both paint each other black and create drama triangles all over the place (you can see where this is going)... . 

A few days before the party he made multiple panicked phone calls to his sister to which she responded with more drama, and about two days before the party, he notified all the guests that it was cancelled. Because he "didn't want everyone to see what was going on in our house." There was actually nothing going on, but he was gearing up to paint me black for nearly a full two months over reasons I never was able to identify.

At the last minute, he reinstated the party, and told everyone to come. I could hear his sister's histrionic wailing through the phone from the basement.   She arrived with her kids and was really dramatic and acting very manic, and making the day all about her... .and irritating the sh*t out of my boyfriend who was struggling to keep it together. After he had a few drinks he got really testy and started being rude to me and his sister and told me to shut up over something I said. (I asked him to put the eggs in the refrigerator!)    His nephew (the sister's son) got in his face and scolded him viciously in front of the whole family for being verbally abusive. You can imagine how that pissed him off. He kept it together though, apologized to me, and the party went really well... .until it got a bit late, and I excused myself to go lay down. My boyfriend kept drinking, became belligerent, and eventually confronted his ex-wife's husband about stealing his wife (I am so sorry I missed all this!  ) This happened over a decade ago, and is long buried and we all just get along fine. But he pissed off the husband who then told the ex wife to get away from them so they could talk, and so that pissed her off. SO. MUCH. DRAMA.

He got annoyed with my boyfriend bringing up this old bullsh*t, so he told him that if he had been a better husband and not so mentally unstable, his wife wouldn't have left him.   I did not witness this. (He never told me this, but his sister did, and she's histrionic as well, so it might be an exaggeration, and she doesn't like the husband very much.) Earlier that night the husband had told me that my boyfriend was difficult and the ex wife had always struggled with that. The two began getting a bit riled up, so his sister jumped in and separated them - extremely dramatically of course. (He did tell me this part.) This all stuns me, because they usually are totally civil and friendly, and have buried the past, BUT when they both get drunk, the male pissing contest starts up again sometimes.

All of these events really triggered him, and guess who was the recipient of all his rage and angst? Of course it was me. For weeks. He kept sending me nasty texts, calling me at work to yell at me, and trying to break up with me because I was destroying his life, apparently. Never really said why, or what I had done to make him feel that way.

When early December rolled around, it was my birthday, and we had booked a trip to a really beautiful place in another part of Europe, where I had always dreamed of going. It was just for an extended weeked (four days) and he told me he would still go with me "as a friend, because he's a gentleman". 

I wish I had cancelled the trip, because it was a NIGHTMARE. For four days straight, be belittled me, ignored me, gave me the silent treatment, complained about everything (the food, the restaurant service, the other guests, the weather, and most of all, me, and what a horrible person I was).

I was fighting back tears the entire time and I felt so damn alone, and hurt. It was our first trip together anywhere, AND my birthday, and it was a nightmare of epic proportions. That beautiful location now holds bad memories for me. On the ferry home, he yelled at me and screamed profanities at me and the whole ship heard it and turned around to stare at this huge, tall lunatic who was screaming at a small crying woman to "f*ck off!" at top volume.

I left humuliated, and went and sat in another part of the boat by myself until we got back to the mainland.

When we got home, he presented me with a beautiful pair of earrings that I had admired in a shop 6 months prior, but felt I could not justify the expense, and told me Happy Birthday. (WHAT?)

The next day, I scheduled an appointment to start couples' counseling, and EFT therapy, and told him, not asked,TOLD him he was going to participate. He balked a bit at first, annoyed that I didn't ask him before making the appoinment, but I told him that I wasn't giving him an option, and if he REALLY wanted me out of his life, then we were going to have professional help getting through it, because I am not a disposable object, and neither is he, and I do not consent to breaking up while in an emotional state, and under duress.

He of course did not REALLY want that, and was relieved that I had taken this step. That was mid December, and by Christmas, (and two sessions) he was already acting about 80% normal. Things are much better, and we have had about three disputes since therapy started, all of which he excused himself when he began to escalate, went to his workshop to work with his tools and projects, and then later returned and talked rationally, and even apologized. I barely recognize this man. And while I know we will always have to deal with the BPD, he is learning to get a grip on himself, and he realized after that long dark period, he does not want to alienate his whole family, lose me, or make an ass of himself in front of his kids and their mother again. When he came out of the fog he was humiliated about how he acted, and wanted help. I was convinced on that ferry boat that this was the end. I hated him for how he treated me... .but I think he hated himself even more. And the break-up did reverse.

On that note, next week is his oldest son's birthday. And guess who's having a party, and the WHOLE gang will be there?

Heaven help me.  :)



Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: randomuser94 on March 12, 2018, 06:43:04 PM
I'm mostly interested on whether they broke NC after a while, how they did it and if they realised what they did after their phase was over.


Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: BasementDweller on March 13, 2018, 03:18:18 AM
Ah, ok. I don't really have an answer to that specifically. I have never had a true NC situation. ST and cold shoulder, sure. But not NC. Many people here have though. Hopefully they will chime in.


Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: blooming on March 13, 2018, 08:02:49 AM
I'm mostly interested on whether they broke NC after a while, how they did it and if they realised what they did after their phase was over.

The longest period of NC I had was 5 weeks. He broke up with me in the beginning of january and I thought it was truly over. I do have to say that the break up wasn't very bad, he didn't get very angry with me or anything. This is mostly because I am a conflict-avoiding person, so we never really had really fights ever, because whenever he got really angry with me I just let it happen and didn't get angry back.

So it wasn't really that he had to realise what he had done when the NC phase was over, because in his eyes he probably didn't do anything wrong, because I never really blamed him for anything. When he first contacted me it was quite friendly and I thought it was just to ask how I was doing, but then suddenly he suggested hooking up. I rejected him. A week later he contacted me again and we met up for drinks. After that he kind of kept asking to meet up until I gave into him again and now we're in a dating stage I guess? Nothing official yet. It's so weird how they paint you white again. I had never expected him to do that and I think that maybe it would've been better if he hadn't.


Title: Re: What's the worst break-up you had that got reversed?
Post by: AustenJ on March 13, 2018, 09:23:08 AM
I don't know if my diagnosed BPDexgf ever painted me black... .she just suddenly up and left me for two other guys in spite of her working with me every day. If I had allowed her to come back, I am sure we would have done the recycle dance for months if not years. She had an ex from 6 years ago that remained her "BFF" who she would see on a weekly basis most of the time... .just to have dinner, it was never an over-nighter until after our relationship was breaking down. (I only knew she had started sleeping with him because she had vaginal pubic hair for me, but shaved it off for him. Nice, huh?)

This ex had been in her life for 6 years... .after every one of her failed relationships (there were dozens and dozens over that span) she went back to him every time as his girlfriend which most times meant a sexual relationship. He always wanted to marry her, and she would say that he would be the one she would marry and have children with one day. I had given her an engagement ring to wear which she would wear on the correct finger around me, but would switch it to her other hand when she was with him (there would be nights where she would get so drunk at his house, that she would just stay there and come directly to work from his house. She swore that she only slept on his couch )

About 3 weeks before Christmas was really the only time she ever raged at me during our 5 months together and somewhat painted me black... .her rage was over something so insignificant I don't even recall what it was. She left with all her clothes... .I was so enraged that I threw the rest of her lingerie that I had purchased for her out the door after her right into a mud puddle as it was pouring down rain. I was so exhausted at that point as I was validating her emotions every day to keep her regulated. Of course, she was fine the next day and came back 2 days later as our relationship at that point just morphed into a hardcore physical one... .2 weeks later she broke our plans over winter break to go and be with her BFF ex for 10 days on a romantic ski trip in order to determine if he was truly "the one."

When she returned to work, she told me that neither one of us was "the one" . She hooked up with another guy who now definitely is "the one" and they have been together for over a year now. But over that time she has wanted me to be her BFF and take the place of her ex that left the state for a new job. She wanted this new relationship with me just about 5 or 6 months after the newness had worn of on her current relationship... .

I have resisted even though she has offered everything to get me to pay attention to her. She gets to wear really tight and revealing yoga pants to work every day. She wants to go for drinks; she wants me to stop over when her boyfriend is out of town; she wants me to see her new hot tub; she tries to rub her butt on me when I'm getting coffee or at the copy machine... .so I would still be in the mix if I allowed it... .

Trust me, it's a mix that you want no part of, especially if she has done the same to you... .this is my nightmare being played out with her new guy. Once she has cheated on you, there is no coming back for you or her... .she will continue to cheat trying to find the next best thing... .I wish you luck in getting past this toxic woman.