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Don't really know how to put this so I apologise if this shouldn't be here.  My dad has some sort of dementia. Mum bless her has never told me and my brother exactly what it is but I know she's struggling to cope and I'd like to help more but with a u BPD girlfriend I am struggling to find more time.   More than that though I'd just love one last normal day with the old man.  He still has the ocasional good day

Ill carry that post on... .id love to be able to speak properly about how I feel but gf just beats me up about it.  I'd also love to give mum more help but think I'd then get accused if neglecting my kids.   

I'm sorry Yaffle. I can imagine the rock and the hard place you feel stuck between. THis would be a good time to evaluate priorities and values.

What is most valuable to you in your situation? How can you honor your own values? Spend some time reviewing the lessons and practice here how to talk to your gf about those values.

Hi, Yaffle!

It sounds like there's a lot going on with your mum and your dad and that carving out time to spend with them is important to you.  I'm also hearing that your girlfriend isn't super-supportive and can relate to how frustrating it feels to need support from someone who is unable to be there in a real way. 

Have you thought about how you might get your need met to spend some time with your folks?  What might that look like given your current situation?

I like Tattered Heart's questions.  What is most valuable to you in this situation?  What are your values?  How can you honor them?

Thank you both.  Yeah spend some time thinking about those things. 

Sorry I've been slow on replying.  Quite a bit going on at the moment

So sorry about your father's condition. I dealt with my mother's dementia. It's certainly no walk in the park.

I don't mean to be unkind, but you only have one father and mother. Girlfriends can come and go. I hope you take time to be with your parents.

My ex-husband was "jealous" of time I spent with my parents at the end of their lives. He saw it as a threat to him somehow. At the time, I tried to placate him. If I had to do it over, my response to him would be more like TFB!--but politely said.

Hey Yaffle, What can you do to make is possible for you to have "one last normal day with the old man"?  Sometimes you have to say ":)amn the Torpedoes" despite blowback from one's pwBPD.  I wonder what kind of a r/s are you in if you are unable to say how you really feel?  The answer, of course, is a BPD r/s.  Does that strike you as a red flag?  red-flag

LuckyJim

Sorry I've not replied before.  Very busy at the moment with lots going on with the family and work.  I'll try and reply properly later on but as to spending a proper day with my dad i don't know.  He's not totally with it a lot of the time and will probably only get worse.  I do spend some time with him and my mum and back in January I looked after him for the day while mum went off on a trip but he was a little confused that day and was panicking about mum getting home so it wasn't a 'normal' day though we did get to watch some football on TV together.

Hey Yaffle... .thinking about the end of a parents life is tough... .actually going through it is tougher than you think.       Be prepared for your perspectives to change in ways you find unimaginable right now... .

Last summer my Dad had a stroke, we did 6-7 months of long term care/rehab.  He was having amazing improvement, I was starting to investigate what it would be like to bring him home with nursing care, then he declined rapidly one day and passed away. 

So... no shock at all that he passed, but the timing and manner was unexpected. 

My wife (my pwBPD) was a great support... .until she wasn't.  So... it would go back and forth between a conversation where I couldn't have hoped or written a better script... .to standard BPD crazy. 

So... .I got to a place where I appreciated the support when it was there... and at the moment it turned... .I detached and focused on other things.  It was better than going through it alone, but certainly far from ideal. 

I get the impression that your relationship with your pwBPD is a bit more "consistently negative or BPDish" than my r/s is.  As in there is little chance of getting much support.   Do I have that right?   

I would encourage you to consider some succinct messages you can send you wife (let's practice here first) about your values regarding your parents and (broadly speaking) end of life issues.

The big picture is that you are letting your wife know your values, you are opening the door for her to be part of this (yet not demanding she be part of it), and letting her know that you will be closely involved your Dad's care and celebrating his life... .with him... .while he is still alive.

Then... .trust her to manage her feelings while you celebrate your Dad's life.  Boundaries will be important... .and will become more important as you understand how precious time really is.  You will get better at communicating with your wife... succinctly... that you don't have time for conflict... .and you are confident she will sort through that.

I should pause and make sure I got the "vibe" right.  It's obvious to me you seem fond of your Father and want to be part of this (unfortunately... we all know those relationships sometimes aren't the ones we celebrate).   

I would encourage you to be present so on the good days... .you can share memories with him.  My psychologist was helpful with stroke recovery, because she challenged me to find memories I had put aside... and "exercise" my Dad's memory... .by spending time with him recalling those things. 

I enjoyed it.  My Dad did as well.

While I certainly would love another cup of coffee with Dad... .more than anything in this world... .I can honestly say it's hard to think of something I wish I would have said or discussed with him prior to his death.  In that... .I know I'm blessed. 

My prayer for you is that you feel the same way in the future.     

If "the price" of you getting to that point is that your pwBPD is (fill in the blank)... .I want to assure you that it will be worth it.

BPD will be there after your Father passes away... .don't put life on hold for BPD... .put life on hold to celebrate your Father's life... .with him.

Best to you my friend... .we are here for you.

FF

Good morning Yaffle,

I am very sorry that this event is happening now in your life, I have had some experience with this type of event myself with my own Grandparents many years ago.

You see my friend, it really comes down to time... .time marches on, and there is no return to the past, no rewind.

Once your chance (period of time) is gone on, its truly gone, .no "do-overs".

... .formflier is correct, BPD will still be here, but I as well would encourage you to spend as much time with your Dad as possible now, don't wait... .as the time may be short my friend, .I missed out on a lot at the end of both my Grandparents lives, during my first marriage, due to my severely disordered (No.1 & now X) wife.

This has been something I have struggled with for now seventeen years since my Grandfather passed on after my Grandmother, .as my Grandparents raised me, I never had a traditional nuclear family unit in the essence of normal, they were by all rights, my parents, and I owe them very much... .no telling otherwise... .long story,

I have found, in my current marriage to u/BPD No.2... .that the BPD will most times than not; always try to monopolize all your time, without thought to other family responsibilities, and other committed family relationships, .

I think, that when a pw/BPD; that one may be in a relationship with, .when that (BPD) person sees you upset, or stressed about something... .ie' your Dad, in some strange way they; pw/BPD may try to take that from you, an attention deficit thing maybe, .hard to explain here... .as if they know that you will be paying more attention to your family member, and rightly so;... .as in this situation, here your Dad, .the attention is focused on something/someone other than them, here we are referring to your BPD/gf... .

Take care Yaffle, and go be with your Dad, .time is fleeting, and always slipping past us, there are no second chances here my friend.

Best regards, Red5

Hey Yaffle, I concur w/Red5.   Do what you need to do to spend time with your Dad and let the chips fall w/your pwBPD.  LJ