BPDFamily.com

Hello BPD Family,

I am finally on the detaching phase i feel. I gave in my first try and prolonged the pain for another month and 1/2. Now, I am ready. From my old posts I was trying to get back with my BPDex who lives on another state, then I contemplated the idea of being open, as his request, but then he didn't even want that. He just wanted to keep talking to me I guess. I had scheduled a flight to go see him at the end of March, for some stupid reason i thought we were going to be fine, since i am moving there in a couple on months, but no, he confessed he is talking to someone and he doesn't want to fight with me when i get there, so if that was going to be the case, I should reconsider my trip. It hurt me profoundly, he didn't really want to see me apparently.

I said that i wouldn't fight but that i think its time to stop talking then. That i won't go and this is it, I had enough. Things were suppose to get better the closer it gets for me to move there, but seems like they are getting worst. Anyway, he said he respected my decision and that we should keep in contact but he understand if i need time. I said, i don't think so bc i just had enough, what we had was beautiful and those are memories now, i said my goodbyes and sent my love. That was 2 days ago, I woke up today with a text from him -  something about his family - I did not reply. I am glad I had been busy this weekend but next week it's going to be chill for me so I am hoping i can be strong. He said he wouldn't text me and then he does that! I am so annoyed by how disrespectful he is and how he thinks i am just a game! 

Any advice about how to deal with him? I think he might start texting me back again.

Its like drug addiction one day at a time. Sometimes its one hour, one minute, one moment. But you can do this. There will be really hard times but you will get through. Just build a call instead of him list. Write anything you would write him here instead. Block all avenues of contact. Make you facebook locked down private. Block his number(s) or better yet change your number. Block all instagram, or other electronic forms. Then tell everyone you don't want any news about him and practice some lines to say if they bring it up. Then get busy. Join a gym, take a class, go on a trip, move to a new space, take up a new hobby, reach out to friends and family you have become distanced from. Do whatever it takes but do not waver. You have an amazing life ahead of you and the sooner you get to it the sooner your happy can come back. Oh and read how to survive the loss of a love by Peter McWilliams et al. It helps I swear.

Ok post us later and let us know how you are doing.

This is great advice.  Writing on here and keeping a journal helps me.  My panic attacks worsened after NC but I have actually discover that writing really helps.  Banging away on a key board, venting all your love, anger, betrayal, regrets, fears.  Is very therapeutic.  Exercise too, even if you've never been into exercise, it is so good to clear your head, force yourself.  Do you have a friend you can work out with?  I've started a training program on an app and my commitment to that is helping me.  Exercise will help you sleep too.

Audiobooks, I've listened to a few but "Women who Love too much" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" are by far the most helpful to me.

Find a therapist, talking to a stranger who's helping me like myself more and rid me of my guilt, and work out why I stayed in such a toxic relationship, why did I allow this to happen to me.

Be ready for him to up the contact and get abusive, mine did, back and forward I love you one minute to I hate you the next.  To now actually going out his way to email me after 2 months of NC to tell me "he does not wish me well". 

Stay strong as we all have to on either.  This all may sound cliché but force yourself, trust me I know it's hard.  I didn't function for about 2 months after we ended, but I'm getting there now.

And post, write on here... .I guarantee it will help you.  Give advice and seek advice from others who have been through the same.

JNTT xxx

Hello xyz girl

I have been there where you are now. What I can tell you is that first of all
congratulations for deciding to go NC. That is already a huge victory and milestone! It might seem like the beginning but you have already initiated
your victory lap!
The days and weeks and months and years of NC that you will have will test you in very way and you will definitely change for the better. That’s the good news!
Please please you have to edge it in your mind like a tattoo that you will never break NC as it is utterly pointless and you would hand over the power you have now and give it to your ex for free. Please remember, if there is again contact, the abuse will always and always continue and perhaps worsen! It is impossible for you or anyone to be with a pwBPD. I’m sorry to say but they are vampires or dark demons. Do you want to seek out evil? Hello no ! Stay on track and spit the evil in the face ! That is my motto and it will remain like that forever. She has no chance !

Thank you for the book recommendation. I have already blocked him from social media, I am not ready to block him from my phone? Do I still want to know about him? Maybe, maybe I want him to come back begging, so I can reply with indifference. I am havin all this feelings, they change minute to minute as you say, but I am hoping to get better soon. I have not lost myself in the relationship thank god, so I still have my life and hobbies and friends that support me. I will keep posting for more support for sure!

Thank you!

Yes JNTT, I have started journaling back again, planning to do it everyday. The timing is perfect, I am traveling for my spring break, and I am traveling next weekend for a wedding, that will help me out take off my mind the fact that I was supposed to be with him that weekend. I am trying to keep busy and healthy. I am going to read both those books you recommended, I do feel I love too much, I am really interested in that particular one. I am just sad that all I want is someone to love me for who I am and I really thought he was the one then suddenly everything changed. I wonder and wonder what did he ever feel about me? Was it all a lie?

Hi xyz-girl. I think that you’re on the right path in choosing to go NC. Consider yourself lucky that you’re able to go full NC. Many of us here don’t have that option and it makes things more difficult.

I completely understand having all of those mixed feelings and emotions. I still have them as well. It’s part of how our brains are processing the trauma of what we’ve been through. It’ll get better the longer you maintain NC and enforce your boundaries with him. I have to laugh at myself while giving you this advice because I am just awful with boundaries.  I need a lot of work in this area. So, speaking of boundaries, how do you think you would respond to an attempted recycle by him?

You’re doing well, xyz-girl. It will get better. We’re all here for another.  :)

Xyz,

I’m sure you know the answer to the question as to why you’re not ready to go NC yet.  It took me months to make that decision.  I would do it for a few days, and then unblock.

I finally did it two weeks ago, and it was very freeing.  No more being held hostage to my phone.  No more wondering if she was going to text or email.

You will know when you’re ready.  I just finally realized after three recycles (the last being wonderful, I might add, until she roadblocked me with a demand I just couldn’t meet) that I was thinking and caring about her way more than she was caring about me.  I wasted so much time, energy, and effort into talking about her, analyzing her every text, wondering if she missed me.

Life is short.  Maybe you could try it for a few days and see how you feel.   Just know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Stay strong!

Stixx

this happens to a lot of us.

hard "no contact" raises anxiety levels for both parties. couple it with dubious intent, and it can become self sabotaging.

its good to have a firm grasp on why youre choosing this tool (there are others) and how.

this article can really help you clarify your goals: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

some excerpts:

This is completely true! I honestly started this NC bc I want to heal, I want to move on and stop the pain he brings to my life, which I think is unintentional. However, I can’t deny that I want him to regret this, losing me. I think blocking him out on my phone is not necessary yet, I think if he starts texting and being aggressive and abussive I definitely would. I just want to let him go bc even tho I still care about him Idk if he would ever appreciate me. He controls his emotions well I would say, he never showed any rage or extreme anger towards me, I did notice some intensitity regarding some subjects but I think he is good at trying to get better on his traits. This is the Second time in 9 months he had acted irrational so I still wonder if just stopped wanting me more than just a simple: Oh it’s a BPD episode. Oh well, I am still determined on move on and try to heal.

Thank you for the reminder of my goals, it’s very hard so remember sometimes with all the emotions involved and when I miss him. Time is passing slowly but soon it will be over and I will stop thinking about him.

Well done for making the decision, it's not easy.
For me, complete no contact, is the only way, and I soon realised, having her in my life, all be it in my phone contacts, was preventing me from moving on, what if she sends a message, she is sorry, and wants to try again, what if? What if?
It's our coping mechanism, and prevents us from facing what they can't, and it's paradoxical, that they are the ones stopping us from moving on, without even doing anything, it's hope.
I have blocked her from everything, and although I have sobbed like a baby, i feel hopeful, I hurt, but I am still here, I go to work, out with friends, see a therapist, and slowly, I am reconnecting with planet earth again.
I still get urges, but just think of the sick feeling I had, when we did communicate, and this is far preferable.
We are all different, there are no right or wrongs, just what is right for you and your well being.
Stay strong, and keep posting.

Yes yes! That is exactly what is happening to me. I think I still have hope that he will text me and say he is sorry and want to try it again... .I am just having a hard time letting him go, despite all the irrational and selfish things he did. Maybe I just need time to heal not only from my relationship with him but also from prior relationships that hurt me and marked me. I am taking a break but at the same time I wonder so much if he is also feeling the same way as I do.

Thanks for all the support and motivation.

No worries, if our experiences with  these people, help someone to move forward, then it's worth it.
I also suffer from anxiety, and the same principle applies here to a degree. We become accustomed to suffering, as much as we hate it, it's a part of us, it's familiar. Recovery is a scary prospect, it takes work, self reflection and analysis, and most of all courage.
It's all about acceptance, but how can we accept someone who has caused us so much pain?
Which leads to the ultimate question, why did we put up with it?
Aside from my childhood issues, the reason for me, is far more prosaic, I love her, and having the capacity to love someone unconditionally, makes us unique people, and the individuals who brought us all here, may not have the capacity to understand that, and without wanting to sound conceited, she was bloody lucky.
This healing process has so many twists and turns, I know I won't n3 the same person who went into this relationship coming out, and I think that's what people fear.

Today is day 6 of NC. I am having a hard time distracting myself. All day I think about him, about if he is missing me the way I do, if he has moved on already, if he has noticed that I blocked him on Social media, if he hates me? From all of the above, the thought one of him moving on really bother me the most. I really don’t know what to do about this feelings. It’s hard and exhausting and I don’t know how to make it stop. I am vacationing at a beach and still thinking about him, I feel I should be enjoying myself more but idk why I get so obsessed with thoughts and things I want in my life l. This has being something so hard for me to balance, generally is good bc I am driven to get what I want in life but it is not the case when we talk about love .

Hang in there. What I realized, with a lot of sadness, was that my ex wasn't missing me in the same way I missed her. That helped convince me that it wasn't the relationship I thought it was. That was really, really hard to accept, but it was when a lot of the cravings to continue contact just disappeared. Look for the ten myths - I think they're in the lessons section. They'll sting a bit, but they might help.

It's natural to want what you're describing. Everything you want (love, someone to be close to) is normal. That's why it's hard, but you just need to slowly realize that this is your life, not his. And yes, it's really tough when you feel like you should be enjoying yourself and you're not. It sucks. I'm sorry. It does change. It really does.

Yes, I have read about them but how do we know the way they miss us? And how is it different, in what way? I wish I could understand more. How did you realized she wasn’t missing you in the same way?

Here are the '10 beliefs that hold you back' that I was referring to. I hope the link works:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#2

This helped me a lot. For me, the one that actually convinced me that my ex was BPD was number 8 - my then therapist also persuaded me that I needed to stop assuming that she was emotionally rational, or just feeling in any way the same as I did. Each time she left I assumed that she was missing me. She wasn't. She actually trusted me less the longer we were apart. That was so completely different from how I felt. That's when the penny dropped and I could start grieving.

rumination. its a common response to grief, trauma, depression, etc. there are tools that can help. this workshop has a bunch of them: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

personally, what helped me was writing. id pour all of my ruminations into that. it helped me kind of tidy them up, and eventually id feel exhausted and resolved.

i want to second wellwellwell. two people going through a breakup, both before and after, are usually on two different pages, experiencing different things, processing differently.  i was projecting what i was going through onto her, and all that did was confuse me or make me read into things. realizing that did help me to stop trying to get into her head and focus, more closely, on what was going through mine.

Dear xyz, I'm not sure of the time span of your r/s. If it has not been years and years, you are doing the healthiest thing for yourself. All those great qualities you have (patience, understanding, etc.) are just going to waste on pwBPD. Once this is over for you, find someone who will be able to really appreciate all those good qualities. N/C is difficult. It is minute by minute in the beginning but then you will see it is a wonderful gift you have given yourself. Try to stay busy. Own your feelings; do not deny them. Breathe deep. I know your friends do not get it... .they think you are just being weak. What more can I say?... .The sooner you accomplish the daunting task of detachment, the better. 

Thank you Chynna,

It’s being rough and a constant thought. I am doing better and as you say everything changes minute to minute. I am going to give me my time and space. Things are happening too fast and I get anxious. I want to t cut him and say that I think about him and that I miss him but at the same time I know it’s the best for me to take my time. Such a hard to do, to go against your feelings and what you want to do for your own good.

Xyz girl, I am feeling the same, have been OK, and yesterday, I imploded, and feel I have made no progress. I feel huge resentment towards her,  and her selfish actions.
I know it will pass, and recognise it as all part of the grieving/healing process. Things she said, pop into my head randomly, one being, she wishes I would meet someone else, get my brains ###### out, and leave her in peace, that hell will freeze over before she ever gets in touch again.
All this, after she broke contact again.
Stay strong, one day at a time

XYZgirl,

  to you.  It is one tough path but you are doing so well!  The only way to get a little clarity is with distance and you are accomplishing that!  That is a major accomplishment!

I wanted you to know you are not alone in this process.  I am walking this path too and we can do it together!  I am in no contact mode since only last Monday and sometimes it is hour by hour.  I am grateful that the feelings of acute anxiety have passed and now I am not feeling like I will panic!  Small steps.  I read in the tools that for the brain to withdraw from the absence of love is like the brain withdrawing from a drug!  Hang in there.  The good things is that for us enough time has  passed (5-6 days) that we are already doing better.

Realistically I am starting to accept the fact that this relationship was not a healthy one like I thought.  I thought we fell in love and he was not ready.  This was not the case.  I know from the last time we were together that I cannot have that unhealthy relationship.  His experience was very different because of his wounded core.  I am slowly accepting that.  It's been far from easy.

I hope you are doing better.  Many of us here are on this path and you are not alone!

Take good care!

Thank you all for your words of support. I know this is the best thing for me but at hard, I don’t usually give up and feeling like I failed really bothers me, that’s what I fee from my relationship with him. I thought he was the one and now I don’t know anything about him for a week. I jump between this is the best and I miss him so much I just want to text him to ask how is he doing. I don’t feel that my relationship with him was that bad, so maybe that is why I see the that line blurry, and I sometimes wonder if what I did was right bc now I might lose him forever. I don’t have panic attacks anymore, but my mind is always thinking about him. I need more time to heal. Does anyone also feel anxious because they are also going bc with yourselves? I find myself wondering why he has not texted me back, maybe he doesn’t miss or idk? Maybe he also want this to be over. I feel I have lost faith in love and started to think I might have something wrong with me. I also have a very strong sexual connection with him, and I miss that  anyway, I just felt like venting a little bit here since this was a rough day for me. Thank you all

"I also have a very strong sexual connection with him, and I miss that  anyway, I just felt like venting a little bit here since this was a rough day for me. Thank you all"

I can't quote apparently.     Sorry!  I will figure it out!

This for me as well!  I explored this yesterday on the site.  The role of sex in dysfunctional relationships. It helped.

Today I explored Radical acceptance and it really helped! Have you found any of the material on Radical acceptance on the site?

Take care!  

Outdoors girl,

No I have not read any. Do you have the links? I will browse Rn for that. I am on my week 1 of NC and I cannot stop thinking about him. I also have no way to know about him since I have blocked him but this connection, is it something special? Should I just let it be and forget? Idk, I guess I am confused and I am only remembering all the good things but none of the bad things about him. I miss him so much

Xyzgirl, I am having a horrendous day, been sobbing and sleeping.
I think, I am finally accepting who she was, or wasn't, and it's painful. I am not fighting the feelings, I am letting them flow through me, and I feel exhausted, but calmer.
It does feel, like an addiction, just one text, and I will feel better, that realisation, ironically, is what is keeping me away.
Hang in there, we can do this.

I feel you Pencil, I am having a bad one myself too. I just had a breakdown bc of another stressor in my life. It is like anything else that comes up in my life that would give me stress really takes me over and i cannot longer control my emotions. I need to be alone and isolated so i can recover, otherwise i feel like I might rage or cry without control. I am just upset everything is going the way it is going, as you said, one text would make me feel better i know it, but for the last 3 weeks before initiating NC with him, our interactions were also painful to me, because he is so confusing. I feel that in order to start healing completely we need to go NC for awhile, otherwise we are prolonging the pain that eventually we have to face, the relationship is gone, the damage is too much and maybe later in life we could reconnect but now it would be just the same. Him and I need this space to figure stuff out, figure out what we need to do to feel happy and strong again without each other. To me, exposing myself to other dates is not good, makes me miss him even more, so i need a time for myself. Be strong yourself too! I am trying to read stuff to make aware of what i need to improve and get better for my own well being for now.

Good luck!

Sorry, I had a reply all typed out and I lost it! 

xyz-girlI agree with everything you have said in this last post! I too need the clarity that comes with the distance and space.  I cannot continue to function in the relationship the way it was.  It was becoming so unhealthy for me that I was losing bits of myself in the end.  The last time I saw him was awful!  I will not compromise my values and go down that path.  I don't know where this new path will lead, but it's the only path I have right now.

I am new enough on the site that I don't know exactly how to find links to the articles I read.  Maybe one of the moderators can help?  The healing link on the right side of the page led to some really helpful information too.  I will be exploring the role of sexuality in this relationship and for myself too.  Just to make sure it's healthy.

Take care!

pencil sketch -I'm sorry you are having a bad day   I hope it gets better soon.  Is there anything you enjoy doing that might take your mind off it for awhile?

Xyzgirl, just knowing, someone else knows the pain and confusion this brings, is so comforting, all I hear is, 'she is a psycho, explain why you would want to contact her?'
I am too exhausted to offer an explanation.
She made her feelings abundantly clear, she wants me out of her life, not enough that she changed her number, but I get the gist.
I wish we could meet, just hug, and cry, we won't need words, I can't seem to find them right now.

I'm not a mod, but the column I see on the right of the web version of this site ('Getting off of the roller coaster' links to a lot of the useful material. Try the 'Lessons' section at the top of the message boards, too.

I hear everybody on 'other stressors'. They can really destabilize me. Hard to rebuild when natural forces wash everything away. But I'm gradually realizing that I can rebuild from anywhere. And that's at the end of an awful week where I thought I was back at square one. Hope this helps.

I know the feeling. It is like we know what we need to do to get better, healthier, but is painful. Idk what’s your situation but on mine, I decided to go NC after he was benign so confusing wanted not commitment, he had several excuses, but at the end he was obviously confused. We kept talking for 3 weeks, like we were still together, we saw each other one weekend and had a magical weekend with his family, after that! I was having a hard time and I guess I was being a little insecure bc he would always be honest about him dating other girls and other encounters, which I kinda wanted to let it pass since we are both very sexual. At the beginning he wanted to go open but soon it felt that he just wanted to have me for emotional support and have other girls for the fun stuff since we live far from each other. Last Friday he said he was talking with a girl a little and that he did not wanted to argue about it once I go to visit him, next weekend, I said that we wouldn’t fight, but I just don’t think it is a good idea to talk anymore. I had felt him a little distant already, probably because he was talking to this other girl. I just couldn’t do it anymore, every time I thought we were getting better he would mention something he has done with other girls and it was really painful. I canceled my fight, and blocked him from all SM platforms. All he said was that he understood I needed some time and space and that when I move closer he would like to reconnect with me and be friends. I said i don’t think it is a good idea. Now, after I was the one that put a stop of what I feel was me being used until he finds another girl and he discards me like that, which is 100% an assumption and maybe out of fear of abandonment, I still feel miserable bc he has not tried to reach. Other than the next day with a cold comment that I didn’t reply to. Tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week! I hope I feel better and get distracted Of this obsession. It’s hard to let go of those dreams where he was part of but I know I just need time, more time and I will feel better and then I won’t even think about his existence. I have to be strong! For me!

I hope you find peace and strength as well, day by day! Best of luck

I absolutely feel the same, if I had a chance to see him, I am sure I would cry so hard. I am just not sure that he would feel the same, I was reading about how pwBPD do not experience and feel things like nons - I am not sure what to think about it, maybe they are already over us and what we replay in our heads are only images of what we would want to happen. I absolutely don’t want to put him or myself in a worst and uncomfortable situation so the only thing we have left is to move on. What we need to remember is that, WE WILL BE FINE, that once we are strong and happy with ourselves, that relationship or any relationship must have no deep impact in our identity and or mental health. So when we stop caring about the what if’s or the whys, then things will be clear, we should be completely happy with or without them, bc otherwise now it is them, but later maybe will be some other person and the pain will be the cyclical. This is why we need to heal and find strength to get to that point, which is a constant struggle and work but we shall do it! I hope you feel better! I am glad we found this portal to share our experiences too! It is a good way to help other while we help ourselves at the same time bc repeating this to you it is helping me remember what I need to do and my value so if he decided to leave like that, then it is his lost! Love fades with time and distance. We will be fine pencil! Keep strong!

Xyzgirl, you are starting to figure it all out, and finding out how BPD affects them, but also, and more importantly, what it does and creates in us.
I have come to the conclusion, we are dealing with children, through their behaviour, and actions, someone has to be the adult, and that job lies with us.
Their decisions are based on how they feel in that moment, and can change without warning, and we are caught up in the chaos.
We can change, we can learn, we can love again,
What will they have?
I read an article, which helped. They can seek help, become better people, learn how to cope with their illness, but many choose to cause mayhem and destruction, yes, they have seem and experienced things they shouldn't have done, so do many people on here, it's a choice, if you want to make yourself a better person, as it's your choice, to treat someone badly because of it.
I asked my ex, why she does what she does, and she replied, 'self preservation'.
She knows, and that's where most of my pain comes from.
Stay strong xx

Hi to both of you this morning!

Thanks for sharing, XYZ girl, his behavior does sound very confusing.  That is the exact situation I am in!  It's strange how many of the stories sound so similar.  My boyfriend got "confused" about 1 1/2 months ago and has not been able to figure out what he wanted from the r/s since that time.  Rather than do that work he has recently filled his life with talking to others.  I'm certain that will only deepen his confusion but this is his choice at this point and I can 't change that.

My story is on another thread if you are interested in reading, "Was by his side through divorce... ."

I don't have much time to write, but I will be back later tonight.

Be strong and take care,

Outdoors Girl

Pencil,

That’s absolutely truth! I read an article that many of them enjoy, unconsciously to cause harm, insecurities, etc to people. That might also be a NPD sign, mine I think he has some traits of NPD too, only some. Have you felt or think at any point that you might have BPD too? Or another type of mental health? I am almost certain I have high functioning depression or I am bipolar. Still need to talk about it in depth with my therapist but all of this situation with him really was he last drop for me. I am very emotionally unstable, my anxiety and add is over the roof and I need to start to be in control. I started exercising again tonight and will meditate before going to bed. I am keeping myself busy but the thought of him forgetting me or me forgetting my future plans with him really bothers me. I tend to become obsessed but blocking him out of everything  has really helped me controlling that bad behavior of mine  I hope you had a good day today! Let’s keep updating each other and keep strong!

it takes guts to explore these things with your therapist. a lot of us have our share of issues (a diverse range of them) that plugged into the dysfunction in our relationships, caused us to struggle afterward, and not only was it healing for me to focus on them after my ex left, but i found that it got me on the path to happier, healthier relationships.

i hope youll keep us posted on your discoveries, and your therapists feedback.

Yes, I think focusing on my issues is the best thing I can do right now! So I went to visit my therapist today, expressed my feelings and recent concerns, she definitely thinks I have some kind of depression, not clinical or deep one. We will talk about meditation next week, which is her specialty. I am also having a lot of nightmares were he is involved, really annoying. I think it is because I am fearful of being hurt again by him. At this point, I should be thinking he is over me and not even thinking about me but for some reason, some part of my brains sometimes thinks that is impossible, that he must be feeling the same way as I do, I know it sounds ridiculous and I consciously think it’s not proactive having those thoughts but they are there. All I am doing now is just shake my head and tell that those thoughts are not help for my recovery, so I need to get rid of them. Day by day ! I am more than sure now that this is the best for me, I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t make me feel good, and I cannot live out of hope.

this is very common. a large majority of members arrive here with degrees of depression. its good that you spoke to her about this, depression can be so debilitating. is there any plan going forward?


this is very common too. it is a part of grief and/or trauma, and it is part of your body and minds way of processing, not only what is going on now, but what has been going on. painful as they can be (i remember my own), they are an indication of healing and processing that we cant otherwise necessarily be aware of.


"should" statements and thinking can actually inhibit healing. its like fighting against ourselves which gets exhausting fast, or worse. he is probably not feeling "the same" as you do; we all feel and process differently, but thats not the same thing as saying you dont even cross his mind, which sounds like a painful thought to me.


for that reason, i dont encourage you to indulge these feelings of fear, or "be very afraid", but i would encourage you to acknowledge them, and to probe them. ever heard of the game where someone says "dont think of a pink elephant"? trying to banish thoughts and feelings is also fighting against ourselves, our bodies, our minds. theyre there for a reason. what that reason is, is not necessarily always clear, which is why its important to probe them. just for an example, it may not be that you believe that your life is in danger of him, but the fear could have to do with how you felt during the relationship, it could be feelings of powerlessness now, it could be lots of things. as it happened to me, i would try to observe my feelings and where they might be coming from. i would ask them questions, almost like following a piece of string, and see where they led me. it was healing, and gave me a lot more psychological space. it let me breathe, and long term, it taught me a lot about myself.

this is the number one tool at the top of our tools list. its for exactly this purpose: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Hi,

How are you today xyz-girl?  Hope you are doing well!

Very helpful tips. I have had a really bad couple of days, and have realised, I have finally accepted, I will never see or hear from her again, no mixed messages in that, hope that she will, can't explain the feeling, not happy/sad, just resigned.
I have taken the advice, and just going with thoughts and feelings.
Hope you are all ok xx

Hi there! Ugh today was a terrible day for me, very emotional morning but managed to feel better around noon. It keeps getting harder and harder, i feel bad about blocking him for all the platforms now. I feel I ended our relationship in bad terms and that not what i want. I was thinking to send him a text with a very brief explanations, i don't want him to feel I completely want to erase him out of ym life. I don't want to make him feel bad for something it is necessary for me, so idk, what do you think I should do? my text would be brief and forwarding, i don't think more is necessary. Any advice? Would i be doing right?

Need help!

Thanks

Xyzgirl, don't send it. This is all part of the cycle, and they know we feel guilty. You have nothing to apologise for, I have done it twice, and wish I hadn't.
They have slowly, taken control of all aspects of our lives, and made us dependant on them, we literally feel, we can't go on without them, but it's a transient feeling, based on an illusion.
We need time away to reset our whole logical/emotional/physical clocks, how we feel now, is how they feel all the time (multiply it by 1000, and you will be a bit closer)
Focus on you, it's hard, your mind has been programmed to think about him, but just the thought, and willingness, to concentrate on you is a start, your subconscious needs rewiring, and it starts with positive thoughts.
Keep reading, keep posting, you will get there.

I agree with Pencil Sketch.  Don’t do it.  It won’t make you feel better.  You’ll most likely keep checking your phone for a response that you won’t get, and that might make you feel worse.

Think of all the time you spend thinking and fretting about this and then all the time he isn’t!  Try to stay strong a bit longer.

I know from experience how difficult this is.  I have had my slip ups too, but I am now past that point of constantly wondering and analyzing.  You can’t predict their behavior with much accuracy.

Take care of yourself.  You can get through this!

Dear XYZ-Girl,  I hope you're doing better today  . Maybe you are looking for permission to text him? Well, my dear, I think you're going to do whatever it is that you think you need to. I hope it's true that you don't expect a response but what if you do get one? I want to repeat that pwBPD seem to enjoy the guilt they inflict on others. But this is your very own personal healing process. Sometimes it is "one step forward many steps back". Have you read the pvt msg I sent to you? Do one good thing that makes you happy today. I know it's not easy. ;0)

Hi xyz-girl,

I certainly hear your very real struggle with whether to contact him or not. I'm sorry you feel so conflicted.  I think you will make the right decision about this and only you know what the best path is for yourself at this time.  I would make this suggestion though: talk with your therapist about this before you decide.

I too had this difficult struggle yesterday and the day before.  I wanted to contact him to talk about what happened the last time we talked.  It was an angry confrontation.  I did end up contacting and apologizing for  my part in the last encounter and I feel so much better. 

I would also suggest being careful with your expectations.  My ex is in exactly the same place I left him (confused) but i expected that so I was not disappointed.  Back to detaching for now until or unless some real change happens in his life.

Be true to yourself.  I actually do feel much better after talking with him.  We both apologized and left it in a much better place.  I feel more settled about the status of things and my decision to detach with love.  We left it in a negative, angry place and that was wearing on me day by day.

What would you hope to accomplish?  Just communicating your reasons about why you blocked him, etc?  That seems realistic.  Of course, I am pretty new with these dynamics so maybe I am not seeing everything clearly.

Please keep us informed.  I am thinking about you!

   Be kind and gentle to yourself whatever you decide! 

Hello everyone,

As an update, I texted him for the reason mentioned above two days ago. He has not replied neither I was expecting him too, not sure if he has blocked him. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos, I have come to realized how abusive him was to me. It makes me sad admitting it but how couldn’t I see it? That is something I am trying to figure out now. On the other side, I think he is even dating other girl already and th more I think about what happened the more I doubt everything we had as if everything was an illusion... .that I never got to know him really and I got stuck in what I thought were good intentions from his side.

I wish in a way I could have an answer about if all we had was at some level real, I am extremely confused but I don’t find myself thinking about him all day now, which is an improvement I would say. It also changes from day to day but I am trying to keep positive.

I hope every one is also seeing some kind of improvement from day to day. It is super important to keep busy and think about how abusive the relationship was in order for us to not be exposed to something similar in he future. I recommend watching videos from this girl on YouTube, she is relationship coach and she really helped me understand the passive aggressive signs of an emotional abusive person “ Stephanie lyn “ life & r/s coach. Let me know what you guys think!

xyz-girl,
It's really hard to give specific "advice" as an objective 3rd part who is not in your specific situation.  But, what I've found so WONDERFUL about this board is that people who are in very similar situations with their BPD SO can relate their own experiences and witness to their own struggles and how they handled things in their own situation.  And what I've found is that there are MANY, MANY people who are dealing with situations that are almost IDENTICAL to the one you're dealing with.  And it's good that you're posting here, because in your situation, which sounds like a long-distance kind of relationship at this point in time, someone in that exact type of long-distance situation is likely to chime in and give even more witness to their own situation. 

I can actually relate to your situation.  For the first 6 years of my relationship with my uBPD wife, we lived nearly 200 miles apart.  We had met at a professional baseball game and started a very intense long-distance relationship.  My experience with my uBPD wife during this period was similar.  The more the situation got closer to some form of true commitment, the more like she was to get triggered, devalue and discard me and our relationship.  This happened time and time again in that first long-distance 6 years.  I've come to understand that because of her disorder, she craved the love and attention I gave her and wanted my love and commitment, but the commitment SCARED HER because commitment meant she couldn't hide anything, she couldn't just run away whenever things weren't perfect.  People with BPD crave and desire feeling loved, but when they achieve it, the commitment and love scares them because it takes them out of their comfort zone, it puts them in a position where they have to actually PARTICIPATE FULLY in the relationship, they fear someone truly getting to know them intimately because they don't really like or have a healthy sense of "self", therefore, they fear that someone will not like them once they get to know them.  That's my experience with my wife.  Every time there was any discussion about moving forward, she would begin to distance and her devaluation/discard cycle would get triggered.  It was so bad with her that our plans to be together got totally turned around 180 degrees.  She had full custody of her 3 children.  I had joint custody of my 2 children.  So, logically, it made more sense that she move to me and bring her children with her.  And, in 2012, that is what happened, for a very SHORT time.  I rented a 3,400 square foot house for us where I lived.  She moved there, got a job and we moved all of her possessions to the new house from 200 miles away.  She got a job there and worked it for 3 weeks while going back to where her family was on the weekends to tie up loose ends and take care of business before moving permanently.  But then, her two eldest children and her ex-boyfriend (father of her 3 children) began a campaign to disrupt all of it.  And, in a matter of 3 days, she was triggered, distancing and discarding, cutting off all communication and staying at her parent's house, leaving me alone in a 5-bedroom house, shackled to all of the financial burden.  Fast-forward, we decided to move somewhere closer to her family, but still an easy trip for me to see my children (basically in-between the two locations).  As soon as we found the perfect little house, the night before we were going to sign the lease, she told me she needed to go to her parent's house to take care of something, but would come early the next day to go sign the lease.  She texted me that morning to tell me she wasn't coming.  And worse yet, I had taken the train over to this location.  She left me stranded 200 miles from my own home.  She just never came back.  And this was after we had gotten married.  My brother had to drive over to pick me up.  And the devaluation and discards have not stopped.  They've actually got more damaging each time they've happened. 

In my wife's case (and is a pretty common theme with pwBPD), they have a very unstable sense of "self".  And this makes every aspect of their lives unstable.  I consider my wife fairly high functioning simply because she has been able to maintain steady employment (with drama in the workplace bordering on getting fired) for 6 years.  But, the rest of her life is unstable.  My wife cannot fully commit to anything that she absolutely doesn't NEED in her life.  She HAS to commit to working and maintaining employment because she NEEDS the money.  But, she can't commit fully to me because she fears rejection, she fears having to face the things within her that are broken that make our marriage unstable and she fears having her behavior exposed for what it is - an emotional disorder.  People with BPD repeat a very destructive cycle.  Their fear, guilt and especially the shame they feel inside is the very roadblock that prevents them from admitting there's something broken in them that needs to be addressed.  Therefore, most people with BPD never seriously attempt to pursue treatment that will help them.  My wife has even stated a couple of times that she realizes that she probably has BPD.  But, she cannot and has not even fully admitted or embraced it, sought any help or taken responsibility for her own healing.  Therefore, she continues the same patterns of relating, the same patterns of disordered thinking and the same pattern of damaging those who are closest to her.  She's still in denial because of FEAR.  Self-evaluation and introspection is almost IMPOSSIBLE for my wife.  IT'S TOO PAINFUL FOR HER.  It's a vicious cycle.  She continues the same patterns, resulting in the same chaos, drama and trauma in her life, she continues to make choices and behave in ways that damage those closest to her, which only adds more fear, guilt and shame onto her pile. 

The end result of our long-distance relationship after she left me stranded at the "in-between" location?  I wound up moving to HER, making it more difficult to see my own children.  I sacrificed so that she could stay in HER COMFORT ZONE, where she didn't have to give, she didn't have to commit beyond what she felt comfortable with (and even THAT has been hard).  She's since discarded and moved back to her mom and dad's house twice since I moved her, leaving me completely alone here 200 miles from my family.  And she's still repeating her pattern.  She's still in denial.  She's still blaming me when I've done nothing to cause this.  My question to you is this... .if you truly believe your SO is BP disordered, do you really want to put yourself in such a vulnerable position?  Because, I can tell you, the more YOU sacrifice, the more he will take advantage of it in order to remain in HIS COMFORT ZONE where he feels safe and can make whatever choice he wants.  It's a control issue related to self-preservation.  My wife wants to remain in a position of power and control, within her comfort zone, so that she can keep her back up plans in place, just in case she feels the need to run, discard and disappear when she feels her unstable sense of "self" threatened, whether or not that threat is REAL or a perceived threat she has manufactured in her disordered thinking.  I can't speak for your SO.  But, if he is BPD, you can probably expect to see or might already have seen very similar kind of behavior from him.  All I can do is relate my own situation. 

As for detachment.  I can only say this... .I didn't start healing until I stopped my own behavior (social media viewing, texting, calling, emailing) that played into the unholy "chase" game that always ensued after my wife's discards.  I had to detach to begin to focus on me.  I am 2 1/2 months out from what I now considered her last discard (because I have chosen it's the last time, not because I don't think she'll recycle, she might).  I am 1 1/2 months our from my cognitive choice to completely go no contact and detach.  I say cognitive choice because, at the time I made the choice, every ounce of my emotional being SCREAMED AND RAILED against the choice.  I was a mess.  I was destroyed from the 2 months of devaluation I endured before her discard that left me in what, at the time, would be seen as an unrecoverable situation.  It's hard to detach.  It's taken me over a month and a half to get to the point where I don't walk around with a knot of enmeshment for her in the pit of my stomach all day.  I am now finding things easier day by day.  But, it's taken me getting to know her disorder and it's behavior intimately so that I understood why she did the things she did and understood how it was affecting me.  Because being in a relationship with a SO with BPD is destructive to a person's own self-esteem, self-worth... .it makes us feel insane at times, keeps us off balanced, walking on eggshells, and questioning our own sense of self and our own perspectives and values.  SO DESTRUCTIVE.  The moment I decided to go NO CONTACT and detach fully was the moment I started to heal.  Remaining in the unholy dance puts healing on hold and, unless your SO has an epiphany and suddenly decides to take ownership of his own healing and seek help, the only other result would be getting back into the same pattern with him and repeating it.  I'm saying this because, looking back, that's exactly what I was doing to myself each time she would recycle and I would accept her back.  I was just setting myself up for another repeat.  I saw someone say on here once what the recycle is life.  It literally is like that movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray, where he keeps living a repeat of the same day over and over and over and over again.  Unless your BPD SO takes ownership of his own healing and seriously pursues help, your relationship will repeat the same pattern because HE continues to repeat the same disordered cycle emotionally.  That's just the hard truth about it.  I no longer "hope" things will get better in our relationship because my uBPD wife will never get better as long as she stays in denial and never seeks the help and medication she needs.  Because she has unregulated emotions, she has disordered thinking and, disordered thinking leads to disordered decisions that are destructive to those closest to her. 

Has anything I've said struck a chord with you?  What part?  Have you seen similar behavior in your SO as I've described about my wife?  Give us more background on your situation/relationship, if you're willing, so that we can help you best we can.  And keep posting on here!  There are so many loving, caring people on this board who have experienced what you're going through and many who are experiencing it NOW!  This board has been invaluable for me during my struggle to detach and maintain no contact.  Look forward to seeing your reply.  And stay strong.  You are stronger than you think you are right now.  And it does get easier with time.  Work on YOU.  Focus on YOU.  Heal YOU.  That's the best thing you can do to stay no contact and detach.  Build yourself back up.  You've been through a lot in your relationship with your BPD SO.  You deserve to give yourself some TLC.

PD

Attagirl, xyz!

PianoDood,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and helping me deal with the uncertainty of my situation. There is a couple of things of your story that resonated with me. TBH, I didn’t notice him ever pulling away from me, I am not sure why still. It could be that our relationship was for the most part LD and there was no need to do so. The first time And last time I ffelt that was when he asked to be in an open r/s and when our relationship maybe was not going thru the best of times. This was in February and my graduation is in May, which was when we thought we would be close together again, so he knew we had only a couple more months to be away from each other. His proposition was really unexpected to me, he never shared any feeling of doubt about us. Now, I have to admit that we have not much in common, I think he pretended to be someone he was not at the beginning and he was somehow pushy to make us official. There were so many red flags ugh! I was just blind... .why? Idk, I guess I thought  it was time to be with someone after 2 years of taking time for myself, also he was so different at the beginning, I cannot address this enough, he was so caring and vulnerable and inspired me to be that way too. Then, everything turned to be about him, very subtle, like why can’t you talk, or why can’t you drive 5h to see me, or can you just drive in the middle of the night so we can be another night together, I would do it 100% if I could, love is about giving and blablabla... .and I did stuff for him bc I didn’t want him to feel I didn’t care for him, I know how emotional he is, (so co-dependent right?). I am realizing my role in this situation better and better with time.

Also, when we met he was going to therapy every week, then after 2 months, still when we were living close to each other he moved to a different part of town and switched jobs and insurances so he reduced his therapy to once a month bc there was “not much drama in his life, it was more stable”. I thought we had a stable relationship myself. He did change tho, he was complaining more often about his life being boring and that he had no friends... .then I moved back to my home town, 9h away. We managed to be together for another 4 months and everything was fine, really good actually. We had stupid fights that escalated to big issues bc of his abusive behavior and me being spoiled at some degree. It was getting worst and worst with time, at the beginning we managed to see each other every weekend and then starting January, we went to see each other every other weekend, I think that is when every changed. It got really hard and he never asked for validation, reassurance, or anything. I am more independent so 2 weeks for me was a little more time to breathe and get my life together and having more SOLO time which I enjoy. He on the other hand is different. Then one weekend he proposes the open r/s situation bc I didn’t know what was going to happen with my life after graduation, hadn’t found a job yet back then, and he needed more sex. We are both hyper sexual people, but I never wanted to be open.

We broke up bc of that, bc I refused. I mean how big of a deal was to wait for another 2 months? Two weeks after that I found a job and he knew it. I was contemplating the idea of being open at this point, I was so hurt for the first 2 weeks, I had lost trust on him already, I didn’t know if he was good for me anymore but I still loved him and did not want to lose him completely. So we talked, he did not answer any of my questions, I have never seen someone so confused about everything in my entire life. He obviously didn’t know what he wanted with me, he didn’t know what he wanted for him or for his life. He said a lot of stuff but we did not get back together neither argue or were mean to each other, I just wanted some answers and maybe some kind of plan or an idea of where we stand at, since everything happened bc of his needs and wants I let him talk most of the time, I needed him to talk to me bc other times he would gaslight me so bad thru text, but this time was face to face, so I definitely was more of a listener, and I was also confused and afraid to even say that I wanted to give him a second chance.

From the time we broke up, I decided to go NC but he contacted me after 3 days and I gave in and we started talking again. On those 3 days of NC he went on a date, like one day after we broke up, that broke my heart. Then after one week, we were still talking, he slept with a random girl and called me crying... .I kind of expected this to happen anyway. The following week we saw each other and had a really good weekend with his family, that’s when we talked face to face, and our situation stayed there bc of his confusion and mine of course, but we kept still talking about the future and being together once I move there. We had 2 weeks of good convo but less of it. I was detaching I guess, and he was too?, that’s when he told me he had been talking with a girl a little and he doesn’t want to argue about it when I go there, which was going to be this weekend, two weeks after he told me that, and that if it would be a problem then I should reconsider my trip there. That was the last time we talked. I canceled my flight and said that if that is the case, then we shouldn’t talk anymore bc this is going nowhere, i thought that me getting the job there and having concrete plans to move would make everything better but no, apparently made everything worse and I had enough of this game. We shouldn’t be talking. He agreed, said that he understood I needed time and he won’t text me  and hopefully when I move there we could be friends and talk again, I said I didn’t think so, and we wished good luck to each other. That was it. I blocked him in order to start moving on, I needed to do it, he texted me the following night saying something really not related to us, he was just sharing something that happened from his family. I never replied, until I decided to send this last text bc I felt guilty of being so drastic, even tho I don’t regret it. I wish I should have told him tho, I am going to do this, instead of doing it without telling him.

I am finding myself sad bc I really loved him but it was such a toxic relationship. In a way I am happy it ended. My life has improved so much since we broke up that time and I have realized how bad it was. He made me doubt about myself so much, made me feel crazy, that I wasn’t  enough, too different, and too boring. I had never felt that way before and I became a depressed person from the moment I started dating him. I honestly thought he wanted the best for me, to get better emotionally, but he was gaslighting and projecting on to me so much! I didn’t know about these behaviors and he got me very bad. GETTING INFORMED ABOUT THIS BEHAVIOR AND WORKING ON OURSELVES IS THE BEST THING WE CAN DO.

I just want to be as confident as I was and be the same person I was before him. He messed up with my mind so much, I wasn’t strong enough. Now, I need to get solid strong so this doesn’t happen to me again. We will never know if the next guy/girl is going to have some abusive traits and if we don’t have a strong sense of self and set boundaries then this will happen again. So good luck to everyone that is working towards this goal. Even tho I want to get better and continue my life, I still love him, and seems like I am loving someone I truly don’t  know. So I am just having patience with myself. I think he is a guy that has a great heart, he is just lost, which breaks my heart but I am not responsible for that, neither I want that in my life. If he wants to be in my life again, he will have to work for it like he has never worked on anything before in his life! If not, then he can go back where he came from, simple!

Thanks for letting me vent out and updating my story, my clarity, and my feelings. :)

Xyz-girl