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I got an email this Thursday about  exuBPDw’s bf best no brought to the hospital by ambulance and police. I never asked the kids about what’s going in the other house, sometimes they’ll say something to me I don’t pry unlike exuBPDw.

I mentioned in another thread that for the lack of a better word she’s been menacing me for about a month it has been a very long stretch where she didn’t send angry emails, emails asking the same answered answered questions from previous emails although i do receive blame shifting emails the most often. She was too busy splitting her bf black I just had a feeling that the frequency of te emails meant that there was trouble at home.

The ambulance and police took him to the hospital. My D12 said that he was angry all of the time and threw things - exuBPDw says that he’s getting weaned off of meds for his back. All I know is that he has a chronic back condition that’s fairly painful that he got from a work injury. She said that he’s angry and she’s moving out while her and her family get him help.

She said that she’s packing and moving back to my neighborhood the kids said that she wants to get back into her old place she was getting a subsidy there that I was surprised that she let go she paying very low rent.

I showed my gf the email and she has been teasing me that she wants me back. She also had a good point - “Why is she leaving him if he’s angry and going through a rough time? You don’t leave someone because they’re going through a tough time” I just said I wouldn’t be surprised if she was already in a new r/s and he lives in the city and she’s moving back because of him. To a degree I felt bad because of his back pain and my hiw bad my exuBPDw is my point is a pwBPD will either break you or you become stronger and I don’t think that it’s going to be the latter for him. It’s their sister that Im worried about she’s 3 I think. It’s really none of my business they’re both adults and both decided to get into a r/s regardless if she was married to me or not.

I was really angry both of them a few years ago and I just summed it up as let their karma play out naturally there is nothing that I could of that would cause more pain then what he’s going through today. I worry about the kids and the r/s they had with their step father.

I talked to D12 and she said that she never liked him I said come on there has to be something positive about him and she shook her head no. I talked to the boys and asked them if they’re going to miss him and they both said yes. So far they seem Ok she packed her stuff and is moving this week. On the plus side the kids are close again they all stayed in the same school were I reside I told her that kids have longstanding r/s’s with friends, teachers in this neighborhood and they’re not moving schools - so there’s that. I guess it’s a wait and see what happens she might come out with a new bf or the kids might be affected more with their step father being left behind.

Opioids?

If he's dangerous,  he's dangerous.  Without going into guessing her other possible motivations, your ex needs to be safe and provide the kids a safe home.  The whole relationship has been damaging to the kids,  D12 seems likely more so. Even if it's an excuse in other ways,  I'm glad your ex is taking steps to be safe.  Yeah, their poor 3 year old... . 

Hmm... .D12, the one who recently talked about feeling transgender, didn't like her mother's BF at all, yet the younger boys liked him.  Could all this be connected somehow?  Within the span of a month's time, BF out of their lives about the same time D12 talked about TG.  Maybe it's coincidence but don't count out some connection there.  There may be more to this story in time.

Your GF made a valid observation, your ex may imagine you were both rejected and also left simmering on the back burner, to be retrieved from backup status if the new RS didn't last.

There's some insecurity there with my gf which is annoying I said "Look she left him when things were going bad she's emotionally immature she had an affair and bankrupted me it's crazy to want to go back go through the same thing all over again".

I wonder what she would say if the roles were reversed "How dare you expose the kids to a drug addict!". You are right Turkish bigger picture stuff she did get the kids out of a harmful situation, which is a good thing, she may return who knows but I'm thankful for now that the kids seem OK.

Mutt,

I wish I knew your story more intimately. 

So... .I'll put this out there as something to consider, which may be hard given your GFs insecurities. 

I've noticed that when there is drama in my wife's relationships with her family... .when she is in transition, there is usually an opening to "nudge issues" in the right direction  (especially if she doesn't have to acknowledge it).

Your ex is obviously in a big transition.  I'm interested in your thoughts about what issues might be on the table to nudge.  (I'm assuming your ex is like most pwBPD... .frontal assaults are pointless).

Last:  I really perked up and had the same thoughts as FD (before I read his post).  There is almost zero chance that the other "issues" (such as D12) are not connected to (or influenced by) the obvious stress in the home.

Note... .connected to and "caused by" are different, although "caused by" is not out of the question.  I don't have a bit of different advice on this other than what it appears you are doing.  Staying in relationship... listening... observing... ."not getting drawn in"... .and asking for wisdom on when to act.

I'm hoping this transition improves things for you and your kids.

Best,

FF

I talked to my kids last night and the boys were describing a fight last week between their mom and bf at home they said that they heard stomping upstairs and him yelling she woke the boys and the young D12 was with me and she took the kids in the card. S6 said that the ambulance and police came for their SD, S6 turned to S10 and said "at least we have dad" I asked them if they were going to miss them and as previously stated D12 says that she won't maybe she was old enough to remember the split and within a matter of three weeks I was out of the house and he was in the house permanently. I have a feeling that she might resent that. S10 said "he can be nice at times" and the boys seem more attached to him. My mom sent me a message on FB late evening yesterday asking me about what was going on and she said something that I hadn't thought of, I thought about it this morning I'll just to have add more boundaries with exuBPDw.

She asked if I was worried about uBPDex causing problems in my current romantic r/s, I said that I hadn't thought of that. My gf sees what's going on and I've never mentioned BPD. S10 said that uBPDexw bf was threatening to kill himself if he didn't see their D3 I said to my gf my exuBPDw must of said something to him to get that kind of reaction she threatened him and said he was going to see his D3. My said that it's not nice of her to make him more angry when he's going through a difficult time she has some serious mental problems. I'm not worried about my gf getting second thoughts about me because of a difficult ex because she's smart and she's figured out my ex's motives and she said that she hasn't care about her now if my ex caused her drama she might feel differently I don't know my ex is insecure in general.

Now with the lightning rod out of the house what I am truly worried about is that she is going to direct her anger towards D12. When my exuBPDw and I split SD14 at the time was the one that my exuBPDw turned her attention to D14 D14 attempted to hang herself, she tried to throw herself from the van while it was moving her mom was driving there was a lot going on the different between SD14 then and D12 is that her father didn't get a court order and he is in a different Province my exuBPDw had sole custody ( SD14 is 18 now ) she did go to her dad's for a period but they couldn't handle her and my exuBPDw had her returned home only for her to run away again she said with her grandmother for a period and she was thrown out of the house that's really a topic of discussion in itself. I am present in my D12's life and I have shared custody I think that she has more stability in her life than her poor sister because I've always been there.

So... .you see the impact of a parent "being there" as compared to one that is not. 

I wonder how you can be proactive to "take the sting" out of anger being directed somewhere else (like at D12).

Can you offer to "take them off her hands" as a helping gesture during the move or as they get settled in?

As far as you and current GF... .I would say "frankness" without too many details should help or at least provide you with clarity on the relationship you really have, vice what you think you have.  Let's hope those visions match closely.

FF

Any reason why you haven't mentioned ex's BPD to your current GF?

Im not a doctor I can’t diagnose my ex. I mentioned behaviours and some of our past the rest of it I let her figure it out on her terms. She knows that it’s a mental illness of some sort and I didn’t even to point it out she knew from her first interaction with my ex after we got together. I told her that I’m also mentally ill with depression, panic disorder anxiety her mom suffers from anxiety as well. She didn’t have a problem with it my gf doesn’t have BPD I do notice anxiety.