BPDFamily.com

still don’t have regular access to the site…so putting this out there but it will be slow-moving….thanks for reading/support…

so, he’s been taking medication for a week and a half and is finally starting to show signs of improvement. he’s fairly calm, less paranoid, less on edge, not making any threats. he doesn’t speak much which is hard, but he seems to be more stable with each passing day. i think he may “wake up” again at some point…be more functional.

it feels like a turning point…or it would be in any relationship as i understand them…but after all these years i always have that creeping, gnawing feeling that another threat is just around the corner….i don’t want to be a sucker who falls for the same trick again and again…

i have made it clear that this relationship is at a crossroads. this year will be decisive. it will either improve or have to end. i try to be gentle but firm about this…

we had planned to see a mediator this week to work out divorce details, but he cancelled. i wasn’t sure if this was because he didn’t want to spend the money or he is becoming mentally stable and able to see more clearly what he wants in life. he seems to be fairly happily in love with me….

the tough part, and i feel like i’ve experienced this in relationships before, is where my feelings are at. i can’t say they are “zero” but a lot of the shine has been worn off over the years…it’s like blowing through many years worth of stress in just a few days or a week sometimes. he’s overcharged his relationship credit card so to speak and doesn’t have much credit left to speak of…he’s done a lot of damage and destroyed a lot of things…do i rebuild or let it go? no need to decide now…there is time to wait and watch and see how i feel…

i can’t think clearly enough…. i need time alone and i almost never have it. i need to think about what realistically makes sense for my life in terms of what kind of life i want. i’d be in this spot even if he didn’t have his issues…

what do i want for myself? could there be more to life? what would make me happiest in life?

so, here he is now, actually working on things, trying to change, trying to make things better and i’m asking myself is it too late at this point? i am surprised but we even manage to make jokes about this, well, i do, and we laugh. pretty hard. that’s nice at least. i don’t know how i do this sometimes. the absurdity of life never ceases to amaze me.

Clarity... .I bolded what I think is most important... .by far.  What can be done to rectify this.  Can you clarify how you are not able to achieve this now.  I would think this something you control.

The rest of my comment is in no particular order... .I need to learn your story more.

What if it isn't a trick... .but it's really what he has to offer.  To me "trick" seems like a thoughtful manipulation... .I would be shocked if he is actually thinking this through.  Yet... .it "feels like" a trick to you... .that should tell you something.


Can you give us some word for word on how you are "firm" that improve or end the relationship?  I'm having a hard time imagining how a regular reminder of "this or else" is going to help anyone, let alone a pwBPD improve.


So... there were plans to meet a mediator, he cancelled... .when you asked for his reasons... .what did he say?  I'm having a hard time connecting the dots about someone seemingly in love with you and agreeing to a divorce mediation, can you clarify that a bit?


I can certainly see the analogy of overcharging a credit card on the r/s.  Keep the analogy going.  It's up to him to "pay it down".  

What evidence is there he is paying it down?

What evidence is there he is NOT paying it down?

What evidence is there he continues to run up the balance?

I hope this helps.  You are asking solid questions... .I hope a few more helps clarify things.

FF

I'm there with you pearls, facing the same questions. I think you need to work out the YOU side of the equation before you can decide if the relationship is what you want.

And I think it's a brave thing for you to admit you might be in a similar place even if he was healthy. I spent most of the past few months attributing all my life problems (current career state, family conflict, relationship with son) to her BPD, but right now I'm trying to pull back and look at the issues that led me to be able to be in a relationship with someone who has these issues. I realized I need to stop my own bleeding before I can save the situation. This led me to decide to continue the therapy I had previously been receiving free from work by secretly using some of my own savings. In a relationship where finances are strapped and tightly controlled, this is a bold move. But I have to do it. 

I would put getting that alone time to process on a priority. I know far easier said than done, but if it comes down to saving your life, is it possible? A long trip? A temporary separation that you initiate for practical reasons, not he initiates for disordered reasons?

Remember that whatever you decide or where you go, we all have your back. 

Hugs,
ROE

Hey pearlsw - I'm glad you were able to get this update posted - been thinking about you and your situation.

Add me to the list of people right there with you. I love the credit card analogy. formflier's questions are also really good - is he showing signs of being willing to start "paying down" his debt?

I don't mean that in a "he owes you" kind of way, because I think that's a no-win kind of way to look at a relationship. We give what we give because we have it to give, and I don't think we give our love and compassion simply because we expect it to be paid back. However, I think there's a certain ebb and flow to a healthy relationship. Personally, I haven't seen that. What's interesting is, if you ask my wife, she'll tell you the exact opposite. So, we have to be our own judge of whether that ebb and flow exists. This isn't something we can discuss or get honest feedback on from our relationship partner. They can't answer that question for you. Only you can decide that.

Getting time alone is hard for you, I get that. Have there been any developments that would give you more autonomy while you're in country with your husband? I assume since your access is still limited, he's still around 24/7? Finding the quiet time to reflect and consider your own feelings will be critical. As both formflier and RolandOfEld pointed out, this could be a matter of your life turning out the way you really want it to turn out versus being led somewhere else due to lack of ability to consider other options. I've been there, I get it. I was locked in to the thinking that there was one thing I was destined for the rest of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it unless I got space, but I couldn't get space while I was in the situation, so the only thing to do was to separate or divorce, but then I wasn't sure that's what I wanted either... .and round and round I went.

Anyway, I hope you can find the space you need to think about this. I think I've said this before, but our lives are (your life is) too important to leave up to someone else.

Keep us updated, pearlsw!

Hi pearlsw,

This part stuck with me.  It's something I only just recently started thinking about... .what I really want for myself.  Something I thought I had already answered, and thought I already had until I finally acknowledged the true state of my relationship to my uBPDw.  I really hope you are able to carve out some of that time alone that you need so badly!  The only way I have been able to do it has been through some serious boundary work.

And as far as your husband working on things now, I face that too.  I actually had a decent evening with uBPDw last night even though she once again got home late from work.  But the kids were put to bed, we were able to talk about her new work situation over a glass of wine, laugh over a tv show we both enjoy, and I went up to bed when I had decided to go (one of my boundaries to ensure I get enough sleep at night... .forget the fact that I was later awake for two hours in the very early morning unable to get back to sleep).  I actually started thinking "what if this is a sign of improvement"... .and my immediate question to myself was, "would it be enough?"  I tend to think it won't, but can see more conflicted feelings coming down the road.

I really understand where you're coming from.  I  wish you enough peace to find clarity for what you truly want and need, and the strength to make it happen.  Please do keep us posted as you are able.

mw

Good Morning Pearl,

You spoke of a credit card although whimsical, it has a certain meaning here, as in credit, and the balance being near the limit... .

mam-wolf writes; I actually started thinking "what if this is a sign of improvement"... .and my immediate question to myself was, "would it be enough?"  I tend to think it won't, but can see more conflicted feelings coming down the road.

Ok a few random thoughts from my own MT attic of a brain , .how does one get a credit card in the first place, well you got to have a job, ie' a relationship, and you got to have a history of good payment of debts, work history… maybe a checking account, ie' dating, and good behaviors during the relationship (initially)... .

But what if you miss a couple of payments on that credit card balance, maybe bounce a few checks, well life is tough and most times, very unforgiving, and so…  the "bank" will want their money, ie' payment on the balance, .uh oh !

Here is the 50/50 give and take of a relationship; marriage, both parties have to complement one another, support one another both emotionally, and in the case of a marriage, preserve the home (the checking account that feds the credit card balance), .this cannot be forsaken for very long until the bank wants the payment, and in full, like yesterday!, chop chop, or the bank may; and will garnish the few pennies left in the accounts, to pay the credit card balance, ie ' separation or divorce for the sake of preserving sanity on the part of one of the relationship stake holders... .

Yes, life is tough, and you can only borrow so much money before it is time to pay it back, and if you don't woe be tide to the debtors (pw/BPD verses the non).

So what happens when things go south, ie’ the credit card gets cut up, and the bank cleans out the checking account due to non-payment of the debt… well you got to start all over again don’t you… how do you redeem yourself, well;… you got to show good intentions, a new payment history, and that doesn’t happen overnight, or in a week, or even in year’s depending on the damage one or both has done to their financial account (marriage)… Nope, it’s going to take a very long time until any bank as it were is going to loan you one thin dime, you have to rebuild trust, your going to have to knuckle down save your money, work hard, and then… and then !… what about this “joint checking account" with the credit card thing, The “co-signers” (marriage)  are going to have to trust each other not to return to the bad behaviors that caused all this financial ruin in the first place… That’s the conundrum, can it really be done?

What builds trust, history of trust does, what builds healthy relationships, positive history does, ie’ good behavior .

Work hard, pay your bills, sock away a good savings account, and the bank will give you a brand new gold member credit card, but you got to keep that good credit score !... .or they will clean your clock yet again, that's life eh'... .

Can we trust our pw/BPD to do this with us ?

That’s the question, and just what does the history, ie’ the credit score of the relationship tell us in this regard ?

hmmmm, ."conflicted tolerating"  

Red5

Well as a veteran of two BPD marriages, I'll speak my piece.

Marriage number 1 was BPD on steroids: violence, verbal abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility. For many years, I continued to hold out hope that by being a kind partner and loving him, I could get him to "see the light" and "change his ways". NOPE. Divorce was ugly, complicated and expensive. But it was the best gift I could ever have given myself and I've never regretted it for a minute. The money I spent to send him on his way is now dwarfed by the equity my property has gained, so in retrospect, I got out really cheap, even though it didn't feel like that at the time.

Marriage number 2 is BPD-lite. He's a kind and decent man, financially responsible and usually thoughtful. His alcohol abuse however started driving me crazy, added to the BPD--not a good look. Being a direct person, I tried to speak with him about it (far too many times) and in the process of doing that, I became an "abuser" in his mind because my response violated his sense of being able to find some relative peace of mind in getting drunk.

Long story--learning here with all you wonderful folks at BPD Family, doing individual therapy, finally getting clear on boundaries and taking many steps back--at this point the relationship works well, though it's far less intimate, but we're both comfortable and getting along better than we have in years.

So, that said, I think it's possible to find repair with difficult relationships, given that they're not too difficult.

I would follow up on what Cat said... an add... .provided that you want to and that work fits in your values.

Said another way... .you should have a clear and compelling statement... .one sentence, about why you would embark on the journey to attempt to repair.

I've thought about your post for a bit and I really see two big... huge different thoughts.

Both of which are really "strategic" decisions (big picture stuff).

1.  Your relationship with BPDish person
2.  Where you would want to go/be regardless of who you were with... .or if you were with nobody.

To put additional energy into a relationship... .when there is doubt about even wanting ANY relationship... .seems like energy spent "out of order".

Do I have an accurate view of what is on your mind?

FF

Dear Pearls-

I’m sorry you find yourself in such a confused state.  I understand where you sit, I truly do…. I’ve been thinking about your post since I first saw it two days ago, and although I may not be in a clear state of thought, I want to reply.  I am pretty confused myself these days.

So I get that your H has been on medication for 10+ days or so and you’re seeing signs of improvement, more stability, yet he doesn’t speak much, “which is hard”.  You go on to say “I think he may “wake up” again at some point…be more functional”.  You also say a bit later that “he seems to be fairly happily in love with me…”

May I ask… With his limited speaking, and less than optimal functioning, how is he expressing his state of being happily in love?

What do you mean when you say that he will “wake up” and be more functional? 

Aside from him being fairly calm, less paranoid, less on edge, not making any threats, how has his behavior changed toward you?   Do you attribute all of these changes to the medication?   Aside from taking medication, how else is he working on himself and the marriage?

I think I remember from your prior posts that many of  your H’s threats often involve divorce.  Is that correct?  So he has ceased with these threats for the time being, correct?   I understand the patterns in my relationship with my uBPDbf…the “dance” goes on for a bit and invariably he emotionally stomps on my foot, or squeezes me so hard that I fall to the floor.  Sometimes I am able to pick myself right up, and sometimes not.  It all depends on how well I use my tools.  So the fact that you cannot trust that there’s a real change in behavior is no surprise.  We don’t have much reason to let our guard down as the trust has been worn so so thin.  The credit card analogy works pretty well here and in how you view the overall relationship.

When your H cancelled the mediation appointment, you weren’t comfortable enough to ask him why he cancelled it, were you?  I’m sorry.

I know that you expressed to your H that your relationship was at a crossroads.  In my r/s, once a conversation ends and things begin to show signs of improvement (any improvement), the contents and seriousness of that past conversation evaporate.  The conversation might just as well have never taken place.  And believe me - I use tenderness with every letter of every word when I broach difficult topics with him.  Maybe your H is different and retains information he finds distasteful and unpleasant?

I completely understand your need for peace and solitude.  Is it possible to take yourself for walks?  Please try to do that for yourself.  Somehow, explain to your H that you just need some fresh air and movement and a breeze through your hair.  Perhaps he can walk 50 paces behind you (if he’s afraid to let you out of his sight right now).
And finally to the title of your post – “Do I  rebuild or let it go?”

At some point… you, I, we… arrive at the day where we need help holding up the walls.  You, I, we… none of us here are able to effectively do it without participation and engagement from our partners.  You deserve to at least wake up each morning knowing that you will not be threatened to be thrown out of your home.  We all need and deserve some sense of security. 

I have begun to ask myself “is this the happiest I can be?”  I’m so close to knowing my answer.

I’m hoping your answers come to you in your dreams.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Is this the happiest I can be... .hmmm,

That's pretty sobering to me.

Am I happy now, emotionally in my relationship, answer is no.

Am I happy in a general way, towards life in general, yes, as I woke up on this side of the dirt this morning.

Could things in my life be improved, yes certainly.

So what needs to move, go away, undergo "remodeling" in order to improve things for me, .again hmmm.

What is the root cause of the unhappiness I am feeling, .answer is my relationship with my wife, the ongoing relationship, that shows no signs of improving in any permanent facsimile thereof.

Hindsight, have I ever been in a happy, and healthy long term relationship... .answer is... .sadly no.

So do I even know what a happy, and healthy relationship even is ?

That's all for now, that's quite enough deep thinking for me this afternoon,

Red5

Pearl

You have my sympathy and indeed empathy as I am going through exactly the same thought process. I have also reached that point where "I won't be a sucker again' - I know I have had it with the cyclical nature of this illness and largely I find that I am happiest when on my own, with friends, with my relatives. I feel that I am most lonely when trying to make the relationship work!

I like your credit card analogy, its apt and I see things the same way - he has had a good run really and I now know that sometime ago I lost who I was.Its taken a lot of therapy and a lot of thinking (heart as well as head) to see this.

Life is absurd - actually I am beginning to see thats the point really, mindfulness has really helped me with this, its also helped me see how maintaining this relationship has been driven by my ego, a false belief that what I was doing was helpful. I see so much more clearly now.

I am not cruel, I am not putting him on the streets but I am seeing my best way forward is being independent - I am not young - its hard to let things go but I have come to realise that may be my only option - maybe best for him as well, after all its the dynamic that exists between us that is faulty and I can only do my 50%.

Sending hugs

Ortac 77

So, so many relatable comments... .it's just amazing to me to find this forum where I truly understand and feel understood by others, and I am so grateful for it.

Red5 and Ortac77, your statements highlight something that has been weighing heavily on me as well.  I struggle to find any other area of my life that is as dissatisfying as my marriage with uBPDw.  While we may make some improvements through couples therapy, I'm convinced they will only amount to about 10-15% of the total needed for me to consider it a viable relationship that I can stay in for the duration.  It's so discouraging to me because I feel like I should be able to fix it, and at one point I really wanted to.   Now I'm pretty sure it's a lost cause, and am not sure I would even want to if I could.  But I'm stuck for a while (financial considerations in particular, along with a couple other issues), so I find myself going through the motions and biding my time until I can break free.

And the even more scary prospect:  Given my own history, would I even know what a happy and healthy relationship is in order to one day have one myself?  That's definitely going to require more therapy for me... .

pearlsw, I hope you're doing OK and wonder what your thoughts are about the conversation.  At the very least, I hope you're getting the space you need to think... .

mw

hey all, many thanks for all the nice/helpful comments. lots to consider here... .today i'm feeling desperately lonely. he is surprisingly happy, but not talkative. wish i could write more... .maybe not until next week will i have enough time alone... .

his anti-depressants are kicking in…and he’s feeling more balanced. i’m confused by it all…it’s like i don’t know who he is at times…there are so many thoughts swirling in my head. who is he? who was he all these years? who is he going to be? do i really know him? does he know me?

he feels like he’s waking up after years of being in a haze…at the same he says he’s also still feeling under water…due to the medication….sigh.

i just feel numb. i am hurting. i’m lonely. i can’t share my full range of feelings with him…it is too soon…i don’t trust his moods…it’s all too soon to know…still no future….all these years living with no future….

Dear Pearl 

I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this place right now.

I don't know if what I will say can help.  Like you, I have had some times when things felt like what I knew all along was not so  in the here and now. It's easy to get caught in a spiral of self-doubt and long for safety. I still go through those moments. Cognitive dissonances can do that, not necessarily good or bad, just so mind-baffling. I have learned to do certain rituals when that happens.

I know that the here and how  is a moment. It will pass. Like any other moments.

If you would try to record your thoughts. Maybe sound bites on a computer, or writing in a diary. Or simply take a picture on your phone to freeze some of the feelings you are right now experiencing. Could you revisit this moment later, when you have more space, more time, more privacy?

Having that information saved  somehow, it helps me find a bit of peace sometimes.

thank you so much!

wish i could write or speak with others... .that is part of the problem... .hard to get privacy for either of these things... .i have to do so much processing internally with litttle way to get things out of me... .

hard part is the relationship has always revolved around him. i continue working to alter this dynamic... .i feel very unhappy living like this... .sometimes it is just too much... .other times i manage okay... .

Dear Pearl

You are writing on here and through every word I feel for you. I found that processing internally can only take us so far, it took me so long to see
that the answers were never in my head only in my heart.

A wise and older friend told me many years ago that 'we can only achieve peace when our head and our heart are singing the same song'.

It took me so long to see the truth in this, I have had to come to realise that the person I love does not actually exist, I loved the idea of that person - a really hard thing to come to terms with. Likewise the relationship always revolved around him, I was unhappy ... .

Please look after you, is there nobody you can talk to? We so need support and I feel deeply for you

In Peace

My heart goes out to you.

So much resonates.

After being apart now for 1year, I see how much my co dependency was in full motion during our 10 years.  I wasn't healthy
I am getting healthy.  Am exploring wether or not
If we both get healthy, what does that mean.  We have a different r/s now, and working w T.
I don't know what the future holds
Neither does he.

My support is with you.
j

Sometimes I walk with 2 or 3 emotions at same time. May feel contradictory on the spot. Eventually just letting this be as is  eases up things for the bottled up feeling.

I'd say take your time. Go slow. This moment is a valuable one.

This seems to be part of the journey for those of us who were codependent or caretakers. At some point we "wake up" and realize that, as you said, the relationship revolved around the other person. At this moment, we are at choice. Do we want this pattern to continue?

Undoubtedly you're asking yourself how much change he is capable of, and is that really enough for me to feel fulfilled in this relationship?

It's so easy to hope and pray that the idealized form of the person we originally fell in love with will return 100%. But often we only get glimpses of that wonderful person, maybe 10% of the time, maybe 25% if we're lucky.

As a very analytical thinker, I think it would be interesting to figure out what percentage we could be satisfied with, that would allow us to feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship. I'd say 25% for me, though I'm very self-contained, I have friends I really enjoy and I've created a lot of personal space in my relationship. If he were clingy-er or needier then that number would definitely have to be higher.

Dear Pearls-

It hurts to know you're suffering so much through this, and I've been thinking of perhaps a different way to look at your situation.

Can we say maybe, what can YOU do to improve your chances of WANTING to stay?  To brighten your outlook?  To bring light into the room, so to speak?

I know you're in his country.  Does that stop you from getting a part-time easy job or doing some fulfilling volunteer work for some hours during the week?  This gives you space and maybe rotates more positive thoughts into your cycle.

If BPDh is trying to improve himself and the marriage, and if you're working with a T and he's stabilizing on meds, perhaps soon is the time to expand your world beyond four walls.

Thoughts?

Xox
Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Pearl,

I've read your thread and there are some wonderfully supportive replies here, so I'll add that I feel for you, have been in a similar place myself with my son's father (10 years) and I am sure you know that I'm rooting for you to come out victorious, however that victory might manifest itself.  What I would be interested in though, is whether you have made a list yet?  Maybe you could do that here if you feel up to it and can get the space to type freely. 

Can you list off all the things that are positive about your relationship for YOU, and all the things that are not?  Get really, really honest with yourself.  Don't hide anything from you.  Dig deep, think of all the little things that make you happy and the things that have the opposite effect for you.  Empty yourself onto the page.  Then put it down when you have nothing left to write and look at it.

Sending you loving kindness.   

Love and light x

thanks all! lots to catch up on here…will take me some time! thanks for your patience/support!

Cat Familiar:

“So, that said, I think it's possible to find repair with difficult relationships, given that they're not too difficult.”

yes, this is the soft spot i’m trying to find…is he just someone that is too difficult to be with? does he have any relationship/communication skills at all to make improvements? i’m not sure. i hate to say that about a person. truly. but, as well meaning as he is at times, he seems to be really lacking in terms of communication. so, what do i do? support/teach/help/have a lot of patience…or walk away?

*after i wrote this earlier today he did make a nice effort to listen and be supportive.

Gemsforeyes:

“May I ask… With his limited speaking, and less than optimal functioning, how is he expressing his state of being happily in love?

What do you mean when you say that he will “wake up” and be more functional? “

he sleeps a lot due to the medication. his body is still adjusting. it’s one nap after another. he will express his love for me, say sweet things to me. he is typically very black and white in terms of his love for me. lately it is mostly white.

with each passing day the medicine works a bit better. finally. at first he threatened not to take the medicine anymore, to give up early instead of giving it enough time to kick in. he says he does not feel low anymore and he feels more in control of his thoughts. he is happier, not suicidal. he says he can’t imagine having a “meltdown”.

more functional? i mean able to speak to prospective employers. he has a follow up interview this week and he had been afraid he might not be able to go to it because he could not think clearly and could barely form sentences. he was saying that he was afraid he would never be able to work again.

“When your H cancelled the mediation appointment, you weren’t comfortable enough to ask him why he cancelled it, were you?  I’m sorry.”

i did ask, eventually, but i was not comfortable asking. he doesn’t say much.  i am so cautious about inadvertently upsetting him…i do not want to pressure him to speak because it is clearly too much for him…i also sometimes like to hear things repeated…and he can’t always handle that…i want things repeated because it is hard to trust his feelings since they are so fluid. but basically, he did not want the appointment because he suddenly decided he wants to work on things and stay together, not divorce.

by overcharging his credit card i just mean he’s burned through a lot of goodwill and forgiveness…benefit of the doubt. i’m not one to keep score or make threats.

Red5:

“Am I happy in a general way, towards life in general, yes, as I woke up on this side of the dirt this morning.

Could things in my life be improved, yes certainly.”

you make me smile. :)

So... why did he cancel the appointment?  It seems like you asked... eventually.

What was the answer?

When you need answers to things... .why be cautious?  Seriously... .?   It's one thing to avoid "poking" him intentionally with mean things.

It's another to "walk on eggshells" in order to not upset him.  I would certainly encourage you to move forward with normal things... .normal conversation.  Cancelling an appointment is a "normal conversation"... ."why" is reasonable.  If that flips him out... .let him deal with it.

How are you doing finding time for yourself?  Is that getting better this week?

FF

 

1) basically, he did not want the appointment because he suddenly decided he wants to work on things and stay together, not divorce.

2) no.

formflier

“i can’t think clearly enough…. i need time alone and i almost never have it.”

such things are not so easy to control given my current living situation. if it wasn’t a problem i wouldn’t mention it. if it had easy solutions i’d grab them wholeheartedly.

"What if it isn't a trick... .but it's really what he has to offer.  To me "trick" seems like a thoughtful manipulation... .I would be shocked if he is actually thinking this through.  Yet... .it "feels like" a trick to you... .that should tell you something.

Can you give us some word for word on how you are "firm" that improve or end the relationship?  I'm having a hard time imagining how a regular reminder of "this or else" is going to help anyone, let alone a pwBPD improve.

 I'm having a hard time connecting the dots about someone seemingly in love with you and agreeing to a divorce mediation, can you clarify that a bit?

What evidence is there he is paying it down?

What evidence is there he is NOT paying it down?

What evidence is there he continues to run up the balance?"

sometimes he does play tricks. his mood swings are not tricks - they are biological. they are tragic.

he’s made a lot of divorce threats. i speak to him sweetly but firmly. he understands and is grateful i’ve stayed as long as i have.

he is taking medication for the explicit purpose of saving the relationship. i did not demand this. i suggested it.

Did you want to go to the appointment?

FF

Have you had a doctor test and diagnose him and inform you that his behavior and choices are biological?

I'm asking this, to clarify what is assumed and "common knowledge" versus what has been scientifically determined through testing and diagnosis.

FF

yes. i wanted to have the terms settled and be ready to go if we could both agree to it. i wanted to use this means to take the divorce threats off the table.

he is not well due to the medication. day by day improving though. he does not seem to want a divorce. but who knows. he is always been very black and white, off/on about being in this relationship - from the very first week actually... .this led to a lot of issues between us.

we're working on this. my observations tell me there is a mood disorder and a personality order. whatever it is he needs serious help. i just deal with the symptoms as i've observed them.

sorry for the short replies! so little time to write for now! thank you very much for your concern.

ROE:


"I’m there with you pearls, facing the same questions. I think you need to work out the YOU side of the equation before you can decide if the relationship is what you want.

I would put getting that alone time to process on a priority. I know far easier said than done, but if it comes down to saving your life, is it possible? A long trip? A temporary separation that you initiate for practical reasons, not he initiates for disordered reasons?"

thanks so much for your sweetness ROE!  it is a bit tough now to travel. there is a long shot chance i can make a solo trip to Asia in april, a teaching thing, but waiting to see…might not work out. with him getting his meds adjusted i want to be close by. he needs my support right now i think. if i was not here he’d be totally alone and this is not a good time for him to be alone i think. i can wait a bit, not forever, but a bit until i can get some alone time. i had a few days alone in january and it was great!

Gemsforeyes

"It hurts to know you're suffering so much through this, and I've been thinking of perhaps a different way to look at your situation.

Can we say maybe, what can YOU do to improve your chances of WANTING to stay?  To brighten your outlook?  To bring light into the room, so to speak?

I know you're in his country.  :)oes that stop you from getting a part-time easy job or doing some fulfilling volunteer work for some hours during the week?  This gives you space and maybe rotates more positive thoughts into your cycle.

If BPDh is trying to improve himself and the marriage, and if you're working with a T and he's stabilizing on meds, perhaps soon is the time to expand your world beyond four walls.

Can you list off all the things that are positive about your relationship for YOU, and all the things that are not?  Get really, really honest with yourself.  :)on't hide anything from you.  :)ig deep, think of all the little things that make you happy and the things that have the opposite effect for you."

hi Gems, thanks!     i like the way you put that about what would improve my chances for wanting to stay. we actually talked a bit about it yesterday. he is not totally oblivious to things…it is just not always easy to get him at a time when he is able to talk and think. he is obsessed lately with moving with me to my home country and feels this could “solve” a lot of our problems. it would solve some i suppose, but i have let him know that making an international move together is not an option until he can go a long stretch with showing me he is able to be stable. i don’t want to take this show on the road in its current state. i told him it is okay to dream if he likes, but i can’t do any planning with him. he seemed to accept this for now. it is honestly so complicated being involved with someone when we have different citizenships/residencies that is it is hard to figure out what kind of a future to have…or if we should have one. i am not rushing it though. one step at a time. he needs to be healthy and not suicidal and able to look for work. i need to look for more work too.

i do work a bit, and just got some extra work that will start in a few weeks. it will give me more alone time…a ridiculously long commute.

i was up all night thinking about how to answer the part of your question about the positive things about the relationship. ouch. that was pretty hard to do! i remember i used to make a lot of such lists during relationships and i even made one years ago about this relationship, but i haven’t feel free or safe enough to make such a list in a long time! um….

what makes me happiest about him, what comes to mind first is laughing with him. he has a generous, easy, happy laugh and i really love hearing our laughs together when we are cracking each other up. it’s pretty great i must say. i like that he is simple in some ways…not materialistic. i was thinking really hard to find other things but i kept remembering how much of the good stuff between us that he damaged…how he can take the best of situations and manage to find a way to damage them in some way. sigh.

i can think of more things that i wish were different/better than i can think of things that are good…

hmmmm. i like that he is smart and good-looking…he is not physically unattractive after all he’s said and done, but…i like that he sometimes surprises me in good ways. has risen to the occasion and shown himself to be more decent and good than i would have expected, but again…that is an exception… i wish i saw him as honorable and ethical, that always meant a lot to me in a partner…i wish i could hold him in higher regard. sigh. what do i like? he is nice sometimes when i cook for us, will show some appreciation that seems genuine. life with him is certainly unique…...

i am going to keep working on this! sorry if takes me awhile to get back, but i thank all of you wholeheartedly!

What are his doctors thoughts on this?

FF