BPDFamily.com

 So,
 on Sunday morning I had the kids to my house as agreed with my ex BPDw. We agreed that she will come and get them back in the evening. It was sunny day, we spent time in the park and had a lot of fun with the kids. It got  late, so I text her to ask if she is coming soon. Than she told me that she cannot come, because she got drunk. So I told her that in that case the kids are staying with me for the night and I will bring them back tomorrow. So I did,
I took them to the store in the morning to buy the little one(4) a bike. We went to the park for him to test it and he got tired, so I decided to bring him back to her hose. The oldest one(6) told me he's hungry and want me to stay a little longer, so I decided to take him to eat outside somewhere, I told her and she agreed.

 Than she suddenly called me and told me she has fallen the night before and her hand hurts, and asked if I can drive her to the hospital. I agreed, took the oldest back home and got the car ready to take her to the hospital.

 She was cold with me (as usual), we talked a little on the way to the hospital, but than she started to talk to me, told me what plans she had for the kids, how is her work etc... .It was nice, I haven't had a nice conversation with her for a long time.

 It turned out her hand is broken, so she got a cast and I drove her back home.

 Than she asked if I am hungry, so I purposed for us to take the kids and go some place to eat with them. She agreed, we took them got them outside, the weather was nice, and the kids were with both mom and dad and was very happy. The little one almost learned to drive the bike :) Me and her had nice conversation, she told me how her work is, I told her how mine is, and it was all good. In the evening we said goodbye and everything was ok.

 The next day I texted her if she wants me to help with the kids while she is with the cast. And than she was back to where we were, cold and distant, told me she will call me if she needs something. We had to go to the lawyer in the evening, so we met there, and again she was cold, distant and not talking to me.

 I wont bother her, but it was so nice, that finally after almost two years of she blocking me and refusing to talk to me at all we could have a nice conversation, but I guess it was just for that one day

 She seems full with anger and I have no idea where this is coming from, all I was doing was taking care of her and the kids, when she decided to kick me out and go with her lover. And from some point she got angry at me... .

 I guess I don't have a question here, but maybe someone could share from own experience if they were in a similar situation.

Hi MarvinTheRobot,

It sounds like you had a great couple of days with your kids which is wonderful.  |iiii  But what I don't understand is why are you being your ex-wife's caretaker? Old Habit?  She is an adult.  In my opinion her broken hand is her problem to deal with not yours (particularly when done due to getting drunk).

Take Care,
(Admittedly slightly triggered because of an ex alcoholic husband)
Panda39

Hey Panda39,
Thanks for the post. I guess you're right about my old habits of taking care of her. Maybe its just my "rescuer syndrome". I don't want anything bad for her. I was so happy that evening, when she finally talked to me and we were both with the kids. They were so happy and I wanted it to last longer... .
 I am still struggling with the way she's acting at me. I cannot find logic with all the hate after all these years. I might be just venting again here... .But thank you for the honest post.

You ought to be surprised is she isn't predictably unpredictable (do those two words even go together?) and her moods inconsistent and self-centered.  Her moods rule her perceptions and life.  She was hurting and so may have been using you a bit to get to the hospital.  But next day her insecurities triggered her to pull back.

Her life is a bit of push-pull.  It's a BPD dance, you move closer, she pulls away, then you pull away and she moves closer, and neither of you gets anywhere.

Another problem is that you can never do the right thing in her perceptions, at least for long.  If you give her space, then you risk not seeing your kids as often as you should.  You are their parent just as much as she is, after all.  So be careful in these early days of separation that you don't Gift Away your parenting so that you become what the courts call a non-primary parent.  Yes, court may order that, most seem to still default to mother being the primary parent, but don't make it easy for that to happen.

 Hey, @ForeverDad
 Thanks for the feedback.

 I am upset, that even when i know now (learned it about 2 years ago) about her BPD. And I've read the articles here, and on other sites. I'm still surprised by her behaviour. I might never get used to this... .

 She was showing signs that something is not ok with her when we were together, but it was nothing like the clean textbook BPD behaviour that she's doing now.

 I know that currently my best option is to just move along and let her be. But I still love her and I miss the times with my kids and her together, so its just hard to let it all go... .

 I also have a (female) friend (diagnosed also with BPD) she's in the same situation "on the different side of the boat". She kicked out her partner about 5 years ago, and now she's constantly telling me how she regrets it. I guess I just didn't wanted for my family to go the same path, but it did.

 The thing is in my opinion, if you have a happy family, and yo think that "there is something missing", do the family still together part a priority, because it does not get better, it's only getting worse if you choose otherwise.

This is a dance I have been playing for many years.  After reading everything on this site it makes so much sense now.  (And I'm new to this site, Thank you bpdfamily.)  I support her, have empathy, and show her she can trust me by sticking to what she has asked me to do.  The world is calm and the stars align.  Then BOOM I get a message "Why are you acting so weird."  You're being too nice and then the paranoia sets in and her anxiety builds.  I can't be good because she has split us.  I'm bad all the time and she is always good.  Then she shuts the door and there is no communication, except from her attorneys stating I am blocking her parenting time.  (Admins we need the facepalm emoji!) What's really weird is that since I have remarried she has split my new wife and I.  I am good vs my new wife.  You can actually see the confusion in my ex's face.

Stay in the children's lives as much as you can.  They will eventually see what is going on and the chaos that revolves around Mum.  I can't stress this one enough.  Keep a daily journal, keep all text messages, and emails.  This has saved my rear several times to show the judge I am trying to work with her and her accusations are false.   

My take is you only proved to her that she can still make you jump and that you want her.  You need to decide if there is a chance of being together in a healthy relationship now that you know she is BPD? Will she accept this diagnosis and get help to be together?  It cannot be a one sided relationship where you are walking on egg shells.  You will be teaching your kids to do the same thing in life when someone acts out.  I've tried that and it didn't work.  It's a terrible way to live walking into a room wondering what mood she is in or if she perceives you abandoned her all day even though you were at work.  If the answers are no, move on.  Choose to be happy and support the kids anyway you can.  It's not about you and her anymore it's about the kids.  Set healthy boundaries and keep moving forward. I don't know if this helps but you struck a cord with me.  I hope things turn around for you. 

It's ok to be kind, and to do things that you would do for a friend. She's the mother of your kids, and it doesn't help anyone if her hand is broken

The key is to have good boundaries.

Boundaries can be flexible.

It might be a bit early in your learning curve and healing to really get what that means in this context. You have to know that push-pull is normal for her, and to depersonalize it.

Being nice to her is not a quid pro quo thing, in fact that can trigger a freeze because she may feel like you want something from her, leading her to shut you out. People who have no boundaries (like BPD) will reach for all or nothing measures because inbetween stuff is hard when emotions are strong and distrust is near constant.

Another thought.

The time in childhood when a kid is making efforts to explore independently is both exhilarating (potential for feeling competent and autonomous) and terrifying (potential for failure and being alone). If you keep rescuing the child before she feels a sense of autonomy and competence, she never gets the satisfaction of achieving something. She never feels good about overcoming what deep down might really scare her. If you rescue her she may never learn to self-soothe or self-regulate when things go badly. Which they often do. Being able to self-soothe is also a form of competence. It builds resilience.

BPD seems to be about a similar struggle.  

Coaching her on ways to solve her own problems helps her learn to trust herself, if she can manage the emotions that come up when confronted with anxiety about failing at competence.