BPDFamily.com

Hi
I’m logging in to try and gain insight on how to deal with my husband who we (our family doctor and myself) suspect has BPD. He is booked to see a therapist in May and we are not presenting him with this possibility. He will get a full assessment done and we will see what the Therapist says.

I am exhausted and tired of dealing with an adult who has the maturity of a moody teen at times.

I know exactly how you feel, my ex would pull the same crap. The new game we are playing this month is “ I’m not talking to you” last month was “ I’m to busy to see you”. Then we will be back to come round for dinner. It’s damn annoying

Hi Feisty72 and welcome!   This a community of people fully willing to share their experiences and insights so you've come to right place.

What are some behaviors that are causing you the most exhaustion?  How do you think your husband would respond to a BPD diagnosis?

Yrs,
ROE

Hi
Thank you for the welcome

A few if the hardest things with him recently  for me to deal with and try not to be reactive to are
1) always sounding like the victim. Anytime he reacts poorly to a situation or event he disagrees with by a stream of angry texts or moping for a few days or becoming nit picky about the others in the house (myself and my kids) he manages to make those reactions everyone’s else’s fault

2)overacting to what he feels was unfair and loosing all sense of reason. For eg my daughter was supposed to go to her dads for the week but she had an anxiety attack which she struggles with and came back home. I had planned to have a mostly kid free week with my husband but with this change I told him we would keep Wednesday to ourselves and the rest of the time I would be with my daughter (there is a way bigger story for another time on why he makes himself scarce when she’s home)he said ok and I thanked him for being so flexible (cause often he’s not)
Upon her return I found out she was not gonna be back for the whole week and was gonna go try again thurs till Sunday which would mean my husband and I get that time kid free unexpectedly cause she wasn’t supposed to go back for another month.
So I told her we would hang out mon tut and wed since she was leaving thurs

My husband was furious that I would cancel my night just because she decided to leave again.
I understand he gets one track minded often
But I have a 15 yr old with a full blown anxiety disorder and she is ultimately my priority right now. Which when he is level headed agrees and supports
He has been ranting all day on the unfairness of it and it drives me nuts because sometimes with kids situations doesn’t turn out fair.

There’s a long list of other things but these are on the fire right now

Hi Feisty72, and welcome! 

First of all, I can totally relate to the "immaturity" - it seems that I often have to explain basic human emotional stuff to a grown adult. The feelings that pwBPD experience are the same ones we all experience, but sometimes it's really hard to get a handle on the emotions, so in that way they come across as "immature" even though we are conditioned to expect otherwise.

I'm wondering if you had a chance to read the first lesson on the right hand side - Understanding your partner's behaviors (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187). In that workshop, it talks about how rejection sensitivity is a core issue many pwBPD suffer from. It's likely your husband is reacting to the feeling of being rejected. I'm really curious as to why he makes himself scarce when your daughter is around. I'm wondering if there's a connection there. Your daughter is likely seen as "competition" for your attention and these are often people that become intense targets of criticism and pressure to leave by a pwBPD. Are you experiencing any of this?

I'm glad you found us, Feisty72, and I look forward to hearing more of your story!

~DB77

Hi Daddybear 77
You are correct that there is jealousy there. From both of them and my 15 yr old has just begun treatment for generalized anxiety disorder and she to has jealousy to him. It was to a point she was screaming about all the things that bothered her in the day and that him being there made her feel like she could never relax
She wanted him to move out or she was going to with her dad but it’s not a great environment there so I asked her to give me a chance to get her some help and in the meantime my husband stays out of sight to try and help her be able to de stress
It’s not fair to him
And I asked if he would prefer to stay at a friends for awhile but that caused anxiety in him. Which I’m learning was sparked from his abandonment fears which are huge due to his crappy child hood. Our rocky start and the nature of BPD
I also have an 18 yr old daughter on her own mental health journey dealing with social anxiety and gender dysphoric disorder along with a few sprinkles of some other stuff.

I am managing the mental health of 3 people all in crisis in one way or another.
My two kids often handle there struggles better than my husband handles his but I do understand the nature of his challenges are a bit more complex and challenging and my kids are a bit further along in there journey.
I feel very alone
I’m tired of complaining to my friends about stuff.  (Tho they are very supportive)
I always seem to be making excuses for his behaviour
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and some of his behaviour can be triggers for me so I’m reading all I can to learn about this
 But because I don’t think it wise for me to tell him I believed BPD is what he’s struggling with he isn’t doing any research. So I get a bit bitter at times at all the work I’m doing and he’s not and it’s for the issues he causes.
Sigh... .

Wow, Feisty72, you sure are! This is really tough work. You must have a lot of love and patience, and it shows. I'm really glad to hear that everyone is also getting outside support as well. I hope this takes some of the load off of you, as your 15yo and your husband get established in their own therapy.

Also, going back to one of your original questions, I think you're making a good decision NOT to disclose to your husband the suspected diagnosis of BPD. It's best to leave that to the therapist. I will add, though: be prepared for the therapist to NOT diagnose BPD, especially to your husband, and particularly not right away. Not only is a full diagnosis of BPD something that takes quite a while, but it's also common for therapists to hold back on making a full diagnosis for various reasons. That doesn't mean your husband doesn't have traits associated with BPD - I think you can clearly see the traits and make that assessment. I just wanted to share that with you as it's a common theme here.

Alright, I'll end with a couple quick questions: Are you also getting outside support (therapist, counselor, etc)? Are you taking care of yourself as you take care of the rest of your family? (Did you remember to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others?)

Thank you for mentioning the not telling him.
It’s been so crazy with him lately I am fighting the urge to throw all the books and research I have at him. Literally and figuratively
So the reminder adds to my resolve. :)
And the mention of probably not getting a diagnosis is appreciated. I’ve read that a lot in my research and also that he may get dropped by the therapist cause many don’t want to deal with BPD
I’m holding my breath until his assessment but your mention hit more than the reading I’ve done and have to reassess how to manage with him not fully in the know.
I do try to talk about a reaction or behaviour on its own with him and try to connect it to past behaviour with others so that hopefully he mentions patterns we have found to the therapist. I feel really sneaky doing this. I’m a pretty straight shooter so holding back what I’ve discovered really goes against my grain.
And to answer your last questions.
I am starting to take care of me and have contacted a therapist for me. (Seems that’s what I go to work for now cause all my extra money is going to therapy) sigh
And I am trying to put some boundaries in place cause there really hasn’t been any. It’s something I’ve always struggled with maintaining in my relationships.
And he really does have tantrums when I do like they mention in the books. So I’ve put the mindset I had with my kids going through the terrible twos in place cause I wasn’t a pushover mom and drawing from that experience.

I really appreciate the feedback thank you