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So far, I have been OK, dealing and rationalising my thoughts and emotions.
Today however, it's all gone to pot, and I am wallowing, and the blame lies squarely with her.
Why did she come back, when she knows how I feel?
She can just switch it on and off, breeze in and out, how she pleases.
No chalking up how many days, she has struggled to stay away.
Living her life, as if nothing has happened.
Today, being the good guy, doesn't feel that good.
Just wanted a rant.

I think that life is about change, some people are stuck and don’t grow emotionally how do you learn to not repeat your mistakes if you don’t go through the pain and you go around it? I know that you’re having a low day Pencil Sketch you have and opportunity to learn and grow. It’s like that some days you waver but your goal to make it to the finish line doesn’t change. Hang in there.

Hi Pencil sketch,

It's OK to have those kinds of days.  We all do.  Sometimes I just have to accept that I'm feeling mad at a situation or want to curl up and cry today and then I give myself permission to do just that.  These feelings will come up and they will go.  Roll with it.  Good idea coming on to let it out.

Just as Mutt says, you will get through this and come out the other side having grown as a person and she will stay stuck in her disordered thinking which ultimately isn't bringing her happiness.  You're doing great.  It takes strength to get through the dark days without running away from them.     

Love and light x   

Pencil Sketch,

Your thread reminds me of a verse.

Pencil Sketch... .first, I want to echo HQ's statement... .good that you came on here to just vent/rant because it means you're reaching out when in need, which indicates you want to stay on the right path for you.

I can completely relate with your feelings.  I was thinking yesterday that I was tired.  Tired of being strong.  Tired of the battle to regain myself, something I should have never been required to lose in the first place.  I have those days too.  Actually, being only 2 months out from discard, I would say that 90% of my days, I walk around with a knot of pain and withdrawal in my stomach.  And at least one day per week, I have to allow myself to just "feel" and "experience" my emotions.  Sometimes that means I just shut down and try to ride out the wave because it feels so overwhelming.  I'm saying all of this so that you know that your experience is mine too.  You aren't alone. 

And, as hard as it is to see the positive future when you're in the midst of the pain, I continue to tell myself that my heart will catch up with my head as long as I keep taking positive steps toward healing and re-discovery of myself.  Just yesterday, I had a very positive, successful work day, yet all day, I walked around with that knot in my stomach and my mind continued to drift to the questions my uBPDw left behind for me to carry.  It's not easy at all.  But, then, last night I got a text from a long-time friend who lives 750 miles away, whom I have not seen in 31 years, but we've kept in touch.  Her text said, "How are you feeling today?".  After a few texts, she called me with a video call on Facebook Messenger and we talked for several hours.  I said that because, even in the midst of my struggle and detachment, there are people who KNOW THE REAL ME, LOVE THE REAL ME, WANT THE REAL ME BACK and CARE ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.  Look for the positives.  I know it's hard.  None of this is easy.  Reach out to your support system.

As for rationalizing, I'm assuming you mean, trying to think logically and stay focused on detachment while your emotions are still a mess and tossing you to a fro.  I can relate.  Sometimes when I post on this board and I re-read my posts, I sound a lot stronger than I feel.  That's because I'm trying to focus on what's KNOWN and what's TRUE about what I'm going through instead of allowing my emotions to dictate my actions.  That's what I mean by allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling so that I can process it and truly heal.  Shoving those feelings aside and compartmentalizing is what my wife does.  That keeps her stuck emotionally and in every other aspect of her life.  It's what blocks her healing.  It's what keeps her emotionally underdeveloped for her age (she's 43).  It's OK to have days when you feel weak.  I still do too.  What I've discovered as I processed things is that when dealing with my wife's behavior and discards/disappearances, I would do ANYTHING to escape the excruciating pain that I felt... .which included chasing her, trying to recover the relationship, even though I knew it was unhealthy for me and, frankly was destroying me.  Because I was not DEALING WITH MY EMOTIONS, I WAS TRYING TO SOOTHE OR AVOID THEM.  What you're experiencing is normal.  I have a favorite saying now.  "The good thing is that I'm dealing with and learning to cope in positive ways with my emotions now.  The bad thing is that I'm dealing with and learning to cope in positive ways with my emotions now (that's sarcasm)."  LOL.  The "bad" part of that saying is sarcasm, but is true.  Coping with negative, hurtful emotions isn't easy.  It's HARD.  But, the "good" part of that saying means that it's worth it for the growth, wisdom and healing that comes from it. 

I feel for you in your struggle.  I'm right there with you.  Keep reaching out to your support system.  Talk to people who know you best and love you.  And, keep posting on this board when you struggle.  I do all of the time.  I'm just glad no one has gotten sick of me yet.  LOL.  :D

When you say something about her returning... .are you talking about a previous recycle or is she recycling now?

Pencil Sketch

Today however, it's all gone to pot, and I am wallowing, and the blame lies squarely with her.
Why did she come back, when she knows how I feel?
She can just switch it on and off, breeze in and out, how she pleases.

I’ve been where you are several times, my friend. She would come and go with no resolution. Every time she came back I would tell myself that “This is it!”. It will stick this time, and we’ll be ok.

Everything will be ok for you, Pencil Sketch. I’m glad that you decided to come here to vent. It will get better, and things will get easier for you. Always keep it in the front of your mind to take care of yourself first. Let us know how you’re doing.

Thanks for your replies, it helps to cope.
I always appear stronger and more self assured when I post, it's almost a goal, and the person I am striving to become.
I changed my number, after she came back again, to tell me to leave her alone, it's almost as if she is still testing me, to see if I will break contact, I still know her number.
Atm, it's proving to be a double edged sword, and I have almost caved in.
I have this little voice in my head, you are in here, will see you very soon, it sounds like I am mad, but it helps.