BPDFamily.com

Hello you lovely, lovely people!

First of all, let me start off by expressing my gratitude for this amazing forum. Thanks so much to the geniuses who created it, but even more so, thank you to all the people that keep it active and breathe so much life into the forums - and with that the feeling of support and relief it gives us as we browse through all these topics.

So yeah - I'm 28 years old and I moved abroad about two years ago in order to start a new life. I had always dreamed of doing this, and when I met my partner, I moved to his country without any hesitation, despite not knowing the language or having a job. Within weeks though I was learning the language, found a job, bought a car, we've recently bought an apartment together, and now we're getting a dog - and I am so, so happy with my life.

My mother, however, is not so lucky. She lost her job ten years ago and recently decided to go into early retirement, she's not even 60 yet (her birthday is next week). We are three children and we all live abroad. My brother, the eldest, is married with two kids of his own and lives even farther away - he has always expressed explicit interest in her moving out to his country to join him (not to live WITH him of course), and be closer to his kids. But I feel like now that those kids are getting a bit older, they're starting to be more independent and ask a lot of questions (why is the sky blue, why do you have grey hairs, grandma?) and she doesn't like that - she wants to be needed without question or discussion. My sister lives abroad as well, and has just had a baby, so she could use some help, but she (officially) has BPD (but refuses therapy, as she thinks she's fine) an alcohol problem, is unemployed and has financial problems. I'm the youngest and my mother actually said to me that as I don't have any kids to burden her with that she might have to babysit, and as I'm the most stable and reliable one, she wants to live closer to me. Also, I didn't move out until I was 25 because every time I packed my bags she would pile freshly washed clothes, or even gifts, in front of my bedroom door and remind me "how good I had it here" - so I never managed to leave.

My mother thinks therapy is for "crazy people" and believes firmly that depression is just a "stupid state of mind" that people "get themselves into". So of course, in her world, she does not have BPD, nor is there ANYTHING wrong with her. (How dare I question her?) I don't remember my mother ever having mood swings, although she could turn violent after drinking too much - instead she was more of an emotionally unavailable mother, wrapped up in her job, a fully packed social life and many, many boyfriends... .However, I was often scolded for being whiney/clingy, especially when I was sick, she used to get mad at me for trying to skip school as I often faked headaches and stomachaches because I was being bullied - she never asked what might be wrong at school. I also got into trouble a lot for calling the police when her drunk boyfriends started beating her up. I once got a restraining order on one of her boyfriends, and boy did I get into trouble for that! But I deem it an admission of guilt that after that she had to sneak him into the house at night when she thought I was sleeping. However, if things were bad then, I find she is rapidly worsening now - it started when she lost her job, and with that, a reason to get up in the morning, and even worse: her social network. She LOVES being around people (and esp. getting attention) but now she struggles to meet new people. However, she has also deliberately isolated herself. She has always been very judgmental, but these days is more and more blunt about it, people are either too "trashy" for her, or too bossy, or too "independent", or too "fancy" or she says things like, "Oh that friend of mine, Victoria, yeah, Victoria and her sister they're always off on these lavish fancy holidays - they're just ROLLING in money, they're such snobs" (yeah, because they have jobs!) ... .anyway, can you tell? She also struggles with extreme jealousy. (She has also accused me of having "such a high-powered job" (oh you and your JOB, she'll say) and that I live in such a "snobby, fancy apartment"

Anyway, just before Christmas (and a few months after breaking up with her latest boyfriend (because he "wasn't treating her right" - aka, as a princess) she decided to pack up and move to where I live, just 10min down the road (although she did say, ":)on't worry, I won't interfere with your life by living so close, it just worked out this way" and I, of course, believed her) and after warnings from my brother, even my sister, and myself, that the language would be a problem and that she has no job, very little money (this is a VERY expensive country... .) and no social network of any kind, she said "You just watch me how I will manage" and moved here. The worst part though? I actually helped her find an apartment here! Because when she's on a roll, she will get me to do whatever she wants. That's probably also why I don't remember her having any mood swings, because I always did everything she wanted me to do (unlike boyfriends, or my siblings) and so I never really had any fights with her. It's not until now that I've grown up (albeit a bit late) that I'm starting to fight with her more and more, and it's always after I've put my foot down, or spoken my mind to her about something. And now of course she's started, subtly at first, but then more and more directly, complaining about how I never have time for her. Right now though she's giving me the passive aggressive silent treatment, because last week I invited her over for dinner (I invite her over for dinner about once a week and for a cup of tea once or twice in between, with the occasional short visit to her place as well - and we text or call EVERY DAY, yet she complains I "never" have time... .) but she texted me during the day and said she is struggling with anxiety and depression because of "the mess" she's gotten herself into, and she doesn't want to burden me with her problems or bring me down, but she just wanted to let me know that she's really struggling, especially with loneliness, so she won't come. So I replied, okay, if you think staying home this evening is the right thing, then that's fine - hope you feel better soon! After that she tried texting me some more, saying she was in such a panic, she doesn't know what to do, she's so lonely... .so I said, well perhaps you should have just come for dinner then - but now I don't have time, now you have to wait until next week when I have a day off again. And since then... .first a bunch of aggressive texts about how I've been so false to her (how could I make her think I was wanted in this country and that I really wanted her to move here, when really I just hate her) and then more direct attacks such as "don't worry about me, I guess I just have to accept that this is the thanks you get for putting children into this world, they just don't give a **** about you in the end" and that I should "just go ahead and keep tending to my awesome Facebook profile and looking cool in front of the world" (so she's obviously been Facebook stalking me) - after that the only "contact" we've had was her aggressively throwing a bag full of tupperware that I'd lent her in front of my door - I know she threw it, because we have a video camera at our door (which she knows about) and we never saw a video of her, so that means she must have thrown it at our doorstep so that the camera wouldn't pick her up.

So... .where to go from here? I'm afraid that by drawing boundaries as I am now doing, we will become completely estranged. I just feel bad for her. The worst part? I sometimes still feel guilty. Is it really my fault that she moved here? After all, I never stopped her, I even went and got an apartment for her! And to think that she has a mental illness still bothers me, I still find myself denying it. I still keep thinking that it really is my fault, that really it's just me, that I am an ungrateful child, and ought to do more for her, help her more, and that if I did that, she would be happier. I feel bad for her, she's been through a lot in her life (albeit a lot of it was self-inflicted) and now she's jobless, friendless, and perhaps even soon penniless, stranded in a foreign country. Next week is her 60th birthday and she has nobody to celebrate with. I know she is lonely and isolated, but I often feel isolated as well. Sometimes I get so desperate I feel like reaching out to my sister as in the past we have often bonded while complaining about our mother, but I stopped speaking to her a year ago due to her drinking problems and above all her aggression towards me when she is in one of her moods. So initiating contact with her again will only open a can of worms. My brother is a bit more helpful as he tries to listen, but he draws clear lines, "Sorry dude, I'd love to help, but I'm too far away." My father's been out of the picture for as long as I can remember, although I do have email contact with him. He, too, sometimes emails me that I ought to visit soon, as "he's approaching his twilight years" and that "I'll regret it if I don't". (He was never there for us when we were growing up, yet now we're supposed to feel bad for not visiting him) And yet here I am thinking that perhaps something is wrong with ME, because I don't have a good relationship to my mother, don't speak to my sister, or have any kind of relationship with my father. And I ask myself, is it really all my fault?

I know my mother's biggest fear was always to be alone, and here she is in her "golden years" and never has she been more alone than she is now. It's really, really sad.

(By the way, on the bright side, I go to counselling and have a very supportive partner, so I'm lucky in that regard and I'm definitely getting professional help with this.)

Thank you so, so much in advance for reading this! I look forward to hearing from you and also to contributing to other posts with insights of my own in the future. Thank you!   

Hi CocoBelle,

*welcome*

Welcome to the community! I'm glad you reached out, as you've found a supportive and safe place to process what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. It always amazes me how matter of factly children take on the responsibility for their parents' feelings and behavior. And later, when we've grown and learned and know better, the pattern can still linger. You are definitely not alone.

It sounds like you are working through boundaries with your mom, which isn't easy. It's great that you have a supportive partner and professional help—that's going to help a lot.

Your mom made the choice to move her whole life and live in another country. You supported her when she needed it, and are there for her now that she's settled in. Sounds to me like a very caring daughter.  :) What I've learned with my own mother is that I can't take away her feelings of loneliness, no matter how much I care for her and how much time I spend with her. I still get stuck, though, and my pattern of trying to "help" takes over, until I settle back into acceptance of reality and self-care.

What are your thoughts about your mom's birthday? Do you want to see her?

Keep writing. We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole

This is indeed a common struggle here. 

CocoBelle,

Parents need to protect their children,  yet you had to grow up far before your time and take steps for you and your mom to be safe from domestic violence. Even if you were an adult or close to it,  you had to do what she was unable to do.  We get the guilt,  this is your mom after all.  This might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

What is your mother's source of income? Seems like she can manage,  though that is different from managing smartly. 

Hi there heartandwhole and Turkish!

Thank you so much for your positive replies!

My mother's main source of income is her retirement, although it's only a minimum state pension. After losing her job she got by on unemployment benefits and a few odd jobs here and there. She had an apartment, which she paid down with the inheritance from my grandmother. I remember my grandmother telling me that she hoped that money would cover for my mother's property, and eventually be another sort of inheritance to us grandchildren. Well, when that time comes, all that money will be gone for sure. She's sold that apartment because she said she desperately needed "cash", and has now bought a much smaller apartment in my neighbourhood and has thus loosened up a bunch of cash for herself, which it seems to be me she's quickly burning through at the moment... .

Regarding her birthday... .I wouldn't mind doing something for her, even giving her gifts, throwing a party, making her dinner, but I don't want to do it while she's giving me the silent treatment, or if I'm met with passive aggressive behaviour "Oh, so you DO care after all, or are you just doing this out of guilt?" She sometimes "threatens" me that she's going to move away again, that she's only going to take care of my dog (she got herself a dog fifteen years ago but insists that it's my fault because she only ever bought him to keep me company, and now she's "stuck" with him - but when I say I'll take him back she says, "No, you're too busy, and you're only doing it because you feel guilty" and that once the dog dies she will leave and "never speak to me again". Sometimes when she says that I secretly hope that she'll actually follow through with her bluffs... .I can't help thinking, oh God what a relief it would be if you weren't here... .

I've built up such a strong and happy life for myself here, and I feel like she's now burst into it, throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, being jealous of me ("you and your fancy apartment!" or, "why don't you ever take me along on holiday" or, "are you ashamed or your mother, is that why you never invite me over when you have friends there?" or being passive aggressive by giving me the silent treatment. It's a heavy weight to carry and it feels a lot like a dark cloud lingering over my head as go about my life. I try my best to just go on as normal and I try to remind myself that she's a grown woman and her choices are her own, and SHE chose to move here, but I can't help feeling guilty, worrying about her, wanting to do something for her - yet, as you say, I don't think I can do anything for her to fix her loneliness, or her anxiety, or her manipulative behaviour... .

PS thank you for the great link, Turkish!

Definitely not.  She's like a lost child, seeking love; focused on that,  not respecting your boundaries as an independent entity.  Moving countries was a big leap for her,  a major commitment,  but you still deserve an independent life.  This doesn't mean you don't love your mother (despite what she may imply, and the Waifish comments about your life are certainly annoying). However,  you deserve to be YOU.

Take a look at these discussions about boundaries and see if they help. I particularly like the second one as it focuses on what we feel about ourselves:


1.07 | Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0;all)

1.08 | Boundaries - examples (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0;all)

Thank you for sending me those links! Again, this forum is incredible and provides so much reading material and workshops and positive vibes!