BPDFamily.com

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove this stuff over here --->   

I am a parent of adult daughter who is 39 who has been diagnosed with BPD several months ago.  She is married with 3 kids 14, 10 and 5.  She has had Type 1 Diabetes for 30 years.

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

Don't think anyone else does.

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

She is very empathetic

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

She is facing a separation from her husband because of her rage at him and the tumultuous relationship they have been having since he put boundaries in place regarding her temper and her tongue.

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

Trying to speak to her in a way that does not enrage her anytime I disagree. Whole family (siblings, other relations - we know and have known you do not disagree or challenge or exhibit any kind of negative reaction to what she does or says. Walking on eggshells sums it up perfectly. So, no one really has for years.

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

First she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, but then later on with input from H, the therapist diagnosed her with BPD

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

I hate conflict.

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  No one
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --->   

I guess to learn what I can do to help move forward with my relationship with her, to help her not lose the family I know she loves and who loves her.

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

Hello, luvsnotenough:

I really like your username as it's so true... .love is NOT enough when it comes to loving someone who suffers from BPD or any type of emotional dysregulation. It also takes education, which is what you seem to be seeking... .and good for you! We are so glad you're here.

I see that you mentioned that your daughter also has diabetes. Could some of her outbursts be related to extremes in blood sugar? Is she compliant with checking her blood sugar consistently?

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to make yourself at home and let us know how things are going for you.


-Speck

Hi Luvsnotenough,

       Another parent here to welcome you. Your love for her comes through loud and clear, also your frustration. I join Speck in the questions he posed to you about the diabetes. My BPDD is diabetic too, for me I can see some direct corolations with her moods and her blood sugars. I don't want to overwhelm you with any more questions. Just know that you are supported here and heard. Please feel free to share more of what you need, what you're looking for, as you become more comfortable with being here.

Hi and Thank you Speck and BK9, I do think that Diabetes plays a part somehow.  Don't think it is related to blood sugar levels, but possibly.  She doesn't eat right, hasn't ever since she was married.  Only time she eats properly is when she is pregnant.  Then she does eat properly. (what does that suggest?)  Some kind of eating disorder for sure.  Which is another destructive energy that permeates the house.  She does check blood sugar and is on the pump.  I think this might be the source of some of the anger... .just tired of the daily battle and looking into the future at her mortality.
These were two kids who got married at 21 so in love, SIL came from a fairly abusive home, my D from a loving albeit imperfect family, with 3 siblings. Parents married for ever... .grandparents married for ever.  Lots of attention showered on D, from everyone especially since DX with Diabetes at 6.  Center of our household.  Just ask our other children... .;-) Then SIL came along and showered her with attention, love, and they got married and things were good. 
Is it telling that when she moved away to go to college, I felt relieved even though I missed her?  She is also, 'the funny one', the caring one - the life of the party.  Wicked smart and mouth to match.  I'm just afraid for her, she is throwing away a pretty dang good family sitch,  because she exhibits BPD.  So now she lives across the street from her family and the kids come back and forth 3.5 days a week. It's a nightmare. 

Hello again, luvsnotenough:

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I have some things to add:


It suggets that she's only eaten properly three times in her adult life and that she did so out of regard for her growing babies, which is a responsible thing, for sure! When she not carrying a child, she just eats whatever she wants, which suggests a possible lack of regard/respect for her own wellbeing, I would think.



This makes sense, and anger or apathy is very common in Type I diabetics who are now adults because they've been at this game for decades. It does wear them thin. But, I am glad to hear that she has got an insulin pump to regulate her blood sugars. But, if she sits around and eats carbs all day long, then the pump just has to work harder to keep her blood sugar in check (unless the pump is set for a constant basal rate). Regardless, she probably doesn't feel very good most days if she's not eating right.



Yes. People afflicted with childhood disorders/illnesses tend to grow up to expect to always be showered with attention and to continue to be the center of the universe. When limits and boundaries are raised by their SO and family, only then do they start to protest the new order. Rage begins to trickle into their protests, and it can be very alienating to be around them. This whole dilemma is most likely magnified by the fact that, underneath it all, your daughter has BPD.
 

Yes, but these are perfectly normal feelings for a parent to feel after raising a sick child to adulthood. To that, I say, well done! Bravo!


That's the thing with people with BPD; they are so dang alluring and awesome in so many ways.  But, they are also self-sabotaging, destructive, and selfish to the extreme. I hear your concern about her throwing a good family situation away. This may happen anyway, and I'm sure it's hard for you to watch it go down from the sidelines.

There is hope, my friend. But only if your daughter can recognize the destructive patterns of behavior that she's exhibiting and seek help in the form of DBT. Since she's been officially diagnosed, it's likely that she's aware of the problem, but she may not yet be ready to assume responsibility for it in order to seek the help she needs. If she's still responsive to your input, perhaps, in time, you can help her get the care that she needs.


I understand that this is an absolutely raw nightmare for you to watch day in and day out. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Is this also a nightmare for your daughter?


Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning - we will help you get through this.


-Speck