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Just found out my ex BPD love is engaged to the woman he abandoned me for.  Found out via Instagram, from her account that i happened to click on the other day.  He has made no mention of it on his Instagram account (we still "follow" each other because we are supposed to be friends).  Funny thing, I ran into one of his ex girlfriends the other day and asked her if she knew about it and she told me they talked before it happened and after it happened and he made no mention of it to her. She said that they have remained close friends and talk often.  She cant stand his fiance, and apparently the other way around.

So I decided to confront him on it.  I said "so i see that you are engaged".  And he wrote back "Yeah. It happened" then he asked how my dog was doing and how i found out about it.  Then he went on about how social media is the cause of him having no privacy
For the past several months he has been saying that we will get together soon, to go to lunch or something. Ive made sure he knows that this would be nice, to catch up. Of course he keeps blowing me off. I wanted to see him, i guess for closure but i really miss speaking to him. So now he's engaged, and I also found out from his ex he is moving away in a week which apparently hes been planning for months and never told me.

I feel heartbroken all over again.  The finality of it feels awful.  I feel like, this woman could make it work with him (on Instagram she calls him her Beloved) and all along I didnt think he could make any relationship work because of his BPD.
He says he and i will get together before he moves out and Im welcome to come by his apartment anytime he's there. Part of wants to see him to say goodbye and part wants to just reply, I don't think so.  I think of all the heartache he put me through, for years, and how ive been a friend to him. For nothing.

I went through this,  and I know how it hurts Hopefulgirl 

My ex,  then living with me,  started calling him "My Love" within a few months of meeting him.   Before I blocked her on FB,  I saw an album she had "My Love And I" 

What's the primary emotion at the core of a pwBPD? "I'm worthless,  and nobody can love me." They switch to cope with this core wound.  It's intense and disordered emotion,  not logic. As my T said,  "personalities typically don't change." Fleeing into the arms of another lover isn't healthy behavior,  is it? They made their choices.  What choice,  given what's going on now,  can you make?

As someone who was abruptly replaced, I understand how you must be feeling.


As awful as it feels now, think of it like a blessing in disguise. When you're no longer holding onto the possibility that you might get back together, then you're finally free to completely detach and move on with your life. Prior to my ex replacing me, I had been trying to break up with her for a long time. She would beg me to stay, and each time I eventually did return, thinking things might get better. I was devastated when one day, she told me she had met someone else, but as much as it hurt, I knew that I could finally let go for good and I had a huge sense of relief.

Hi, Hopefulgirl.    (What a great name!)

Ouch, it sounds like you're hurting right now from this surprising bit of news.  I can relate to how frustrating it can feel to still be attached to someone you're no longer in a relationship with. 


It sounds like you are thinking about closure.  What do you want to have happen next?  What does a good goodbye look like to you?

Hey Hopefulgirl, I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but as WT suggests, I think this is a positive development to the extent that it allows you to let go of your hopes and move on to a happier, healthier r/s.  At the end of the day, your Ex still suffers from BPD, with all that goes along with the disorder.  Comparing yourself to your replacement seems a thankless exercise.  The reality is that you are a lot better off than she is, because you're not married to a pwBPD (been there; done that!).

LuckyJim

Thank you for all of your input. I was thinking about what I would say to him, for maybe the last time I see him, and it's hard because part of me wants to be the person he once loved ( or so I thought). Part of me feels resentful and wants to vent the things I always wished I had! (which wouldn't be productive, I know).
I feel like I will never truly know how he felt about me.  And if I will ever feel that intense love with another man again!

I also fear that when, or if, I see him it will just cause me to miss him all over again.
It's tough, I know the good qualities about him underneath his illness. It's like I have to keep reminding myself of his unreliability, how I had to walk on eggshells, how hearbreaking cold he could be. His fiancé is a millionaire who owns her own company and provides everything for him, who wants  to give him a good life. I should wish her luck, and carry on.

Thanks for checking back in, Hopefulgirl.  I know this is hard but it sounds like you're doing a great job allowing your feelings to come up and then experiencing them.


Have you thought about writing these thoughts down?  You don't have to ever send them, but sometimes it helps to write.  Here is a thread where others have written to the forum what they feel but don't want to send to their ex:   Feel like writing to your ex? Say it to us instead (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321858.0)  We are here to listen!



Interesting and very insightful.  I can relate. 



This is normal.  It's not bad to feel sad or lonely or disappointed that the relationship is over.  Just something you have to go through to heal.


I hear this, too.  It sounds like this is a relationship that touched you in a deep way.  Have you done any reading about what borderline personality disorder is and what draws some people to disordered people?  There are reasons why these relationships are attractive to some of us.  You can get started by checking out some of the links on the right side of this page.   |--->

Hopeful ---

Ugh!  I'm sorry for how you feel... .but not sure that having more contact is going to do anything to help you.   I think he just offers to feed his BPD ego.   My personal opinion is that you do yourself a favor and put your best stance forward by simply spending time finding someone who is good to you and for you.     That's time better spent --

She calls him her Beloved because he's in that cycle and this mental illness (it is a disorder) isn't reality.   In reality, you should feel sorry for them both... .while you find someone who is good to you and for you!   :)

For the record... . I'm happy that you have a dog.  I have 3... . Whenever I have painfully lost a dog, I spend a full 24 hours or more getting any videos, pics and other memories saved of them to heal my heart.  My BPD relationship was 14 years... .I didn't save a picture.   Our dogs will never wake up one day and decide he doesn't love you anymore!   I'm holding out for THAT kind of love... .   

PS --- being a millionaire and owning her own company WON'T change a thing in this relationship.   BPDs are simply insatiable and not rationale.   He went to her because she was the answer to "saving him"... .right now.  We try to reason through things the way we think... .  it won't help her because he doesn't think like you do.   Money can't buy what you want in a relationship... .it'll just waste her time and energy trying to please him at a higher degree until she finally boots him out.   Trust me!