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She cut again Saturday night.  ER visit and 23 stitches.  She broke a glass in the kitchen, took the shards to her room, and sliced her arm up.

WHILE SHE IS IN RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT.

For the love of all that is holy, people.  I am at the end of my everloving rope with this kid.

She lies. 
She manipulates.
She cuts.

And then the next day, assumes that we are still  making plans for her to come home from RT.  it took everything I had not to scream at her,  "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR @#$!ING mind?".

This cutting incident hits close to home, as it happened mere hours after I had a firm but fair conversation about DD sticking her nose into where it doesn't belong and attempting to stir the pot with my sister, with whom I am close.

So, timeline:

1.  Difficult conversation Saturday 6:00 pm
2.  She cuts Saturday 7:00-8:00 pm (ish)
3.  Hospital visit Sat PM
4.  Returns to RT home Sat PM
5.  Calls me Sun 0800, missed call, calls stepmom (my wife) Sat 0805
6.  Drops bomb about Sat PM
7.  Ruins day.

seriously, we were *just* on the verge of having the final discussion about releasing her back home.  All previous phone calls were filled with lies and misdirection about how well she was doing and how much progress she was making and how much she was looking forward to being safe at home.

And it was all b******t.

Now, of course, I'm blaming myself, and yes, yes, yes... .I know... .it wasn't my fault, and she is responsible for her own actions, and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it... .blah, blah, blah.

And I still feel like crap, because whether or not it was my fault, I was the trigger.  To be clear: I was correct then and I am still correct for my feelings at the time of the discussion.  I was within boundaries for feeling how I felt, and it was ok for me to express those feelings in a fair and adult way, all of which I did.

It was still the trigger, and it is unfair foe me to have to couch any of my feelings for fear of her actions if I voice them.

It still sucks.

And we move on.  Slowly.

I hate this disease.  I hate it with the heat of a thousand fiery suns.

You suck, BPD.


Thanks for listening.

PS - the staff at the RT did NOTHING wrong, and this is NOT their fault.  I do not hold them accountable in any way, shape, or form.  They have done incredible things, and they were vigilant.  This kid is just devious.




-jyw

WOW JYW,

      What an awful emotional weekend! Having the rug pulled out from under you like that, suck is an understatement. I total agree with you about the fiery suns. I hate this BPD and all that it takes from everyone. I look at my BPDD and feel such rage for all that has been denied her. I look at myself and hate the MANY emotions it causes in me. And yet like you, I too get up and start over -- SLOWLY.
      I'm sending you a hug (() for being more tenatious than this disease. Trigger to her or not, you are her parent. And from what I've learned here, nobody loves theirs kids more than BPD parents do. Have you made a plan? Will she stay longer?
     My hope for you is that you can find some peace in the coming days, even if it's only in moments.

Hi JustYouWait

I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about your DD, what a blow for you, just when you were ready for having her back home.

It’s understandable that you would blame yourself, what parent wouldn’t, but you are wise enough to see that she is responsible for her own actions, it is not your fault that she chose to do what she did. Try not to be too hard on yourself, easier said than done I know. Hopefully from now on things will start to improve again.

Hi JustYouWait,

Wow what a tough weekends I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I can imagine the emotional distress that you felt this weekend. I hope that you find some solace by sharing your experience with us here. Hang in there.

Hi JustYouWait

I’m very sorry to hear this jyw and when talk of home return on the horizon, what a kick back. 

As you say you were within boundaries for feeling how you felt, and it was ok for you to express those feelings in an adult way, I understand you, we can only control our behaviour.  The road to remission for us over a period over 2+ years (DD lives at home) was not straight either and at times I was beside myself like you.  Good period of progress, and then a set-back, repeat.  What I noticed in hindsight was the periods of progress extended in length (DD working hard on healing), and the set-backs (disorder getting the better of DD’s hard efforts) occurred less overtime, this is how it was for us. DD got back on the donkey.

How are you, it’s coming a week?

WDx