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I know this might seem like a really weird statement, but I want to trigger childhood flashbacks.  Let me explain... .I want to remember scenarios from childhood where my uBPDsis would lure me in (with the reward of finally accepting me) and then do the bait and switch that would usually get me in trouble.  I know it happened, I just vague memories now. I want to remember the details of the circumstances and situations.  I don't know if it is because I want to understand her particular behaviors more to further prove the pattern or if I just want to know more about her motivations as a kid. I DO know that I would like access to the details so that I can say more to my husband, "it is just like when we were kids" and explain how.

I have seriously thought about hypnosis.  Any other suggestions?

I've heard EMDR can help uncover memories.

Some words of caution (just bear with me please):  Our minds protect us from certain memories until we are ready to remember so be cautious.  Having a counselor can help if possible.

Good luck.

Hi Leenlou,   

I don't know anything about hypnosis, but it's a curious thing to want to remember isn't it? For the longest time when I began in T, I wanted to recall specifics as much as I could so that I would be able to validate or confirm my suspicions about my childhood. My body would react subconsciously and be afraid, whether I wanted it to or not, but I couldn't remember the why until gradually some those memories loosened. Too many black holes and so many missing pieces. My T has told me that I may remember wearing red shoes for example, when in reality they were yellow shoes. The important thing is that I was wearing shoes. Does that make sense?

Think further about why you may want to remember. What benefit is it to you, or what purpose is it that will be served if you remember?

Wools

It is normal for you to want to have a coherent narrative of your childhood. We protect ourselves from painful memories because they are just too overwhelming to face. Some memories are only in the body, and there is no verbal memory, so sometimes we can feel very uncomfortable physically and mentally, and have no idea why. I did EMDR to face how the past was affecting the present and future. EMDR can be a very painful way to go, and many people are just too overwhelmed by their past to use such a direct method of accessing memories. My EMDR therapist no longer does EMDR because of this, and she is now trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy, which addresses how we protect ourselves from traumatic memories, and is a gentler way of accessing the past.
I admire your courage in wanting to understand your past and how it affects you in the present moment.
Let us know how we can help and what questions you have. There are a lot of people on this Board who are very knowledgeable and many resources. Take good care, and be patient, as healing takes time!

Thanks to all for your suggestions.  EMDR does sound a little scary.  However, it lead me to a site about "Childhood Emotional Neglect", something that really resonates with me. 

The thing about my memories is that I do recall the emotional pain, but not the situations that elicited them. I clearly remember her "tantalizer" style of controlling me as a kid (5 years her younger).  All I wanted was to play with her... .and she knew that.  So she would "tantalize" me by acting like she wanted to play with me, then somehow create a situation that would frame me.  I fell for it every time. It was a trap I couldn't resist.  I just kept thinking, "this time she means it." But, it was always a set up.  I would just love to remember what the set ups were and how she pulled it off.  Maybe it is in an effort to get some validation, but I feel like it is more curiosity about how she managed to manipulate the situations time and again to frame me.  And didn't anyone see a pattern?

LeenLou

Hello Leenlou !

I have been doing a form of regression therapy for 1,5 years.
It was about remembering, not so so much the specific details that happened in my childhood, but more about the emotions.
The therapy focuses on seeing actual painful emotions for what they are : grieves from childhood. F.e. let's say I feel scared. Then the therapy teaches you to go back to the initial childhood grieve. You kind of go into regression. After coming out of that regression you see more clear, - you see the situation for what it is, in stead of colored because of your own past. So normally the load of fear has been lifted from it than.   It has helped me tremendously. I am so much more conscious of how I behave and feel now, and I'm also able to do something about it.
My childhood was not much fun. But it was not as bad as some people's childhood here. So the emotions from before that came up in therapy were hard, and deep, but I could take it.
My therapist now focuses more on body work. She thinks that for some people digging into memories can be very hard work and too painful to do it each time. She still works with the regression therapy, but reckons that it's more of an 'agressive' method.

I did not recall all of my childhood grieves in my therapy. Even the bigger picture sometimes is vague, and that's frustrating. Like, I know with my brain, that my mother used to yell at me and get angry. But I don't *see* it anymore. And that's something quite recent. Very strange. My therapist wonders if it is because I blocked it out. But I think that until before some years, I still *did* see it. It really frustrates me, to the point I sometimes wonder if I made it all up. I know somehow that I didn't ... but still. So just as a little warning, to not expect miracles.

I don't know about hypnosis... you might want to consider consulting one who's also a psychologist and knows about trauma. You don't want to go on this journey unaccompanied.

Let us know what you decided, if you want !