BPDFamily.com

I'm really nervous even though I'm an adult. My mom is borderline and has just been diagnosed.
I have begged my dad to get help for her since I was about 13 years old. I now have teenage kids. Her disorder presented itself in fits of rage and violence toward me and my dad. I was a peacemaker. My dad traveled for work. This exacerbated her fears of abandonment. She was very critical of me and of others (my dad). My brother was rebellious and refused to listen to it, so she would not display as much anger with him as he grew older. She could also be very loving and supportive of me. My mother is a perfectionist and wanted me to be perfect. Her "constructive feedback" was her way of loving me. She always bought me the nicest clothes. She would video tape me walking and play it back to show me how I was doing it wrong. When I didn't try out for cheerleader my ninth grade year, she told me that she couldn't understand how anyone at our church loved me because I was a big nobody. She said this in front of my father who said a quiet, that's enough now... .So... .It's taken a lot to get here. I have kept this secret for a long time. My mother is a Sunday school teacher and teaches bible study. It has all been about protecting her reputation. God is so good. He has protected me from so much tragedy. I think I have had some insight at a young age to know that she was sick and that she didn't mean it. Unfortunately, it has taken her having a stroke and getting violent with my dad for her to finally get some help. I suffer from really bad migraine headaches and I feel so very alone. I do see a therapist which helps. I just worry about my own parenting. I am so scared

  WELCOME  Grace43,

                I just read your post, it sounds like you are in such a hard place right now. I'm so sorry for that. I'm also sorry that you feel alone and scared. You will find support, caring and encouragement here in this place. It took courage for you post here, keep coming back and posting, read other threads, you will see there are others who really do understand how it all feels. Although it took a major health scare I'm glad your mom decided to seek help. I glad you also see a therapist. Baby steps are you need right now. Hope to read you again soon.

Hi Grace43,

I'd like to join Bluek9 in welcoming you to our online family. 


Sadly I think you will find you are not alone in this situation. My parents were Christians, and my uBPDm protected her reputation in front of others so well, especially in Christian circles, so much so that no one eve knew what on behind closed doors in our home. I too have had migranes since I was a little girl. It is a tough journey in T, but it helps me a lot, and one day I hope for the migraines to go away. Do you feel your headaches are connected to repressed emotions or to what do you think they originate from?

How are you feeling since you shared some of your story here for the first time? As Bluek9 said, you will find lots of support here from others who understand.

 
Wools

Hello Grace43  

I am so sorry for the difficult situation you are in. I am glad you have a therapist to work with.
I know how growing up in a family with BPD is like. My mum also has it.
It sounds like the situation you were in as a child was very confusing, is that right ? One moment your mother was extremely critical, the other moment she was supportive. That must have been unsettling.

Do you also sometimes still feel confused about that ? I have that. Sometimes it even makes me wonder 'was it all that bad ?'  Sometimes I question my own sanity.

xxx

Thank you all for the support. I spoke with my mom today and she was in such a great place mentally. I immediately felt extreme guilt and sickness over posting about my past with her. I tried to come back to delete it. I am realizing just how enmeshed I am. I am really working on healthy boundaries so that I can be the mother and wife and friend that I need to be.

I used to have IBS as a kid. When I entered my late 20’s I developed migraines. I have had a good bit of frustration with feeling as though I have to live up to expectations. No one in my family ever wants to discuss what really is going on. My dad just wants to believe that everything is fine. As long as my kids are perfect, i’m Perfect, my marriage is perfect... .my career is perfect... .i’m Not allowed to have or to talk about a bad day. I guess my mother’s moods have always sucked the oxygen out of the universe. We all kept our head down and tried not to make too much noise.

Grace43

Hi Grace43,

It's an impossible task to live up to the expectations of another,  even more so a parent.  You spoke of enmeshment.  You do realize that most of what she's said to you over the years was about her,  not you,  yes?

She likely feels shame about who she is,  so she projected (see more here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)) upon her daughter to make herself feel better,  to cope.  At their core,  a person with BPD feels worthless. The dysfunctional coping mechanism is to project those feelings onto another.  Or,  to enmesh to cope with a fractured identity.  This is so damaging to children who don't know any better.  

Do you feel that you may be taking some of your mother's relationship skills into your other relationships?

T

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 2


View Profile  Personal Message (Offline)
   
My Mom and Dad
« on: Today at 03:11:25 PM »
Reply with quoteQuote
I'm really nervous even though I'm an adult. My mom is borderline and has just been diagnosed.
I have begged my dad to get help for her since I was about 13 years old. I now have teenage kids. Her disorder presented itself in fits of rage and violence toward me and my dad. I was a peacemaker. My dad traveled for work. This exacerbated her fears of abandonment. She was very critical of me and of others (my dad). My brother was rebellious and refused to listen to it, so she would not display as much anger with him as he grew older. She could also be very loving and supportive of me. My mother is a perfectionist and wanted me to be perfect. Her "constructive feedback" was her way of loving me. She always bought me the nicest clothes. She would video tape me walking and play it back to show me how I was doing it wrong. When I didn't try out for cheerleader my ninth grade year, she told me that she couldn't understand how anyone at our church loved me because I was a big nobody. She said this in front of my father who said a quiet, that's enough now... .So... .It's taken a lot to get here. I have kept this secret for a long time. My mother is a Sunday school teacher and teaches bible study. It has all been about protecting her reputation. God is so good. He has protected me from so much tragedy. I think I have had some insight at a young age to know that she was sick and that she didn't mean it. Unfortunately, it has taken her having a stroke and getting violent with my dad for her to finally get some help. I suffer from really bad migraine headaches and I feel so very alone. I do see a therapist which helps. I just worry about my own parenting. I am so scared

Hello! Welcome.
It seems like you have a great friend on your side to help you see that Mom wasn't doing well. That friend was your younger self. Give yourself some credit!  Isn't it amazing what we know when we're just kids? Like you, I knew something wasn't right with Dad.  It took me 50 years to figure it out, but it started when I was a kid. Back then we didn't have much information on personality disorders, but I knew enough to say that I had a right to my own life and my own happiness.  As we get older, the wounds of our childhood catch up to us, and maybe that's because we start reflecting on our life and the lives of our own children. Nothing brings the past up like having your own kids.  My relationship with Dad had to change. Love meant something else and it had to.  I needed to take care of me. I needed to show my kids that I cared about me and them, which meant making boundaries for myself that I could live with.  You'll do just fine. Remember your little friend. The one who knew and was right about what she knew to be true. ((hugs)

Hi Grace43,

I want to join everyone else and say Welcome! 

I know it's scary to talk about the situation with your mom because your whole family dynamic has been to hide these behaviors from the rest of the world, but this is a safe place to talk about it.  We all have someone the BPD or BPD Traits in our life and we get it. 

  In the dynamic of your family your brother was "rebellious" but to me it sounds like your brother has boundaries when it comes to your mom.  Refusing to listen and buy into the invalid stuff your mom was putting out there.

Having/creating boundaries are an important tool.


The above stuff is so painful each comment and criticism cuts like a knife. 

I don't have a BPD mom but have a very critical mom and like you my self esteem struggled along with my struggle to be who she wanted me to be.  The thing is you are good enough, perfect enough, just the way you are, in your own special an unique way. By trying to fit into her mold you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and causing yourself a lot of anxiety.  No one is ever perfect, let it go and just be you... .your authentic self... .Says the Panda that took 47 years to learn this  *)

I finally figured out that my mother's idea of perfection had more to do with her than it did with me.  It had to do with how I reflected on her, how I as part of her family looked to the outside world, and how I lived up to her idea of perfection.  I'm very different from my mother where she is intellectual, I'm creative for example.  I finally came to realize that I like who I am and that I will never be who she wants me to be and frankly she will never be who I want her to be and that is okay.  Now when she gets overly critical or controlling about something I just let it roll off.  It is about her, it isn't about me at all.



This awareness is a good thing we can learn things from our upbringing but we can also unlearn things. The fact that you have this awareness speaks volumes in terms of your own parenting.  You experienced things as a child you would never want another child to experience you know where the line shouldn't be crossed, you are receiving therapy, there are parenting classes out there if you're looking for more support.  You will love and raise your child your way if you choose to become a parent.  You are not your mother.


I'm glad your post is still here, the guilt is very normal, people with BPD use what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get what they want.  You most likely have grown up with this, along with the whole family dynamic of hiding anything that the family defines as negative.  But it is your truth and your experience and truly it is okay to share, particularly here.    Your needs and feelings matter and it is okay to put yourself first, it isn't selfish, it is self care.  Stuffing your feelings, and living the way someone else thinks you should live in my opinion isn't healthy... .no wonder you had IBS and have migraines... .so much pressure to be someone your not, and not feel the things that you feel.

I'm really glad you've landed here and jumped in an posted.  Keep it up, keep talking, keep getting it out, we will support you and by sharing you support others.

Panda39