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Without going into a ton of detail, I was able to keep some of the property that I destroyed after my bankruptcy discharged. I was able to sell it and the closing was today. I received a check that will move things forward for S3 and I. Upon receiving that check, I only felt sadness. Its really over. There is no going back. There is no hope. There is no getting better for each other’s sake. It’s over. I don’t even know how to describe how I feel. I cried out of sadness. I’m not happy about it at all except for S3. It just really set in that it’s over.

JNChell,

I hear you, brother. But you know what? We take our lumps, we're not happy about our lumps, but we take them. Yes, we take them because we know it was never meant to be, the lumps made us sick, the lumps are toxic to us.

So, we look at these broken things in our hands, turn them over and over, and analyze them. Slowly, it dawns on us that we helped break them. And... .when we are ready, we forgive ourselves and fling them one by one into the sea... .away... .gone... .forever.

Now that our hands are empty, we are free to pick up good things, healthy things, sustaining things. Things that love back, like puppies. People that love back, like friends. Places that love back, like this very website.

Hang in there.


-Speck

Thank you, Speck.

Hey there, JNChell --

Agree with you... .  there are these moments when you feel like you were hit by a bus.   It is so different than any other relationship that you and I have likely been in because it doesn't end like you would ever expect.  There really is no good planning period.   It is hard when things just don't make sense.    It isn't all good and it isn't all bad, and you can't work your way through as you would expect in a relationship that needs work.   I think a lot of this causes the feelings to ebb and flow.  The lack of closure is something that I think is at the source for me.  It used to be because I didn't get it -- but now it is more because I think I deserved it.   

As you said, there are moments for me too when I am like "wow"... .as in "what the hell happened and where do I go from here".   It is filled with sadness at moments because you gave so much to something that gave nothing in return at the end.   It's hard to believe that the fond memories and times are so easily tossed aside.   

Many years ago, I lost my wonderful late husband.   It was another time of difficulty.   I had a friend or two going through relationship issues at the same time.   Even at that time, I felt worse for them because I always viewed a relationship dying (with the two parties alive) as a sadder state of affairs then the loss of one partner.   He still wanted to be with me and we were a partnership until the end.   This is much different... .and I think that is the part that makes me feel sad.   It seems senseless... .and I get the loss of hope.    But then the day ends and begins again... .and again... .and the sun shines brighter and you notice it.    All the things that Speck mentioned will happen and replacing the things that caused pain with the things that make you feel good will make for a better future.   You can't get away from the pain if you don't leave behind the things that caused them and will continue to cause them.   

You can't get away from the pain if you don't leave behind the things that caused them and will continue to cause them.

Thank you tlc232 Seeing someone else say it helps. Maybe it’s just me, but I could say that to myself, and it wouldn’t make a dent. Thank you for helping.

It's the same way here.   If we could find a way to carve out the good and leave behind what isn't good or to be able to fix what can't be fixed (I am unfortunately a "fixer".  I have to say that I noticed something today when I logged on... .   There are different boards for the different stages people are in.   Those trying to better; conflicted; detaching and learning... .   With BPD, we have to be realistic about what we are dealing with and what the future would look like that we are going to get - honestly get.     The #s of posts in detaching is SO much higher than the rest.    Almost the same as all the others combined.   That kind of gives you the odds, in my mind, of where things all eventually go with this illness.   It is the heaviest hit board for "nons".   

I had 14 years in -- it had gotten to the point where I was seriously questioning my own mental status.  Sound familiar?  If I had a dollar for every time I said "what are you talking about?" and every clarification that I tried to make on things that I never said or even thought... .  for every special event that got ruined for absolutely no reason... .for every stressful event that got made 10 times more stressful because of his reaction... .  for every "I'm sorry" that I truly didn't feel but still never got returned... .  for every angry meltdown I put up with from out of nowhere... .I could easily pay for all the therapist bills that I now need!   That's more likely the reality of the future with a BPD.   This doesn't mean that there weren't good times, but not enough to not have brought us all here in the first place.   

Perhaps we don't necessarily miss what we had, but we are tired and don't embrace starting over.  Maybe we miss the companionship, but not necessarily the companion... .  don't want to deal with change, but longed for it when we were in the daily relationship.   

I am just guessing that some of this will resonate with you too... .  you don't necessarily miss the bad times... .but it doesn't hurt to remember them.     Be hopeful for a better future for both of us!   :)