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Many of us lose big parts of ourselves while in these relationships. We sometimes set aside the things that identify us as individuals. Things like our interests go to the way side because we become so busy with trying to focus on fixing the relationship.

I’m curious to know if any of you have given up interests due to your pwBPD, etc. Are you taking your interests back? Finding new ones?

JNChell,
When I was married to my ex-wife (diagnosed BPD-NPD), I gave up on my passion for basketball and working out. When I started marriage counseling that's the first thing I did, started playing basketball again and working out. Haven't stopped since until my recent uBPD-NPD ex-gf and trying to save our relationship. Minute I recognized what I was doing (1 month in), I quit the relationship instead of my interests. Quitting the relationship still hurts, but I'm still fit :P

Definitely lost interests. Stopped playing my guitar, stopped listening to some of the music I really like, tried not to be too political (though, that one was easy - US politics started to turn my stomach), etc etc.

My STBXw would flip her interests pretty often and I actually thought this was fun, so I tended to get involved with whatever she found interesting, while keeping some of my stuff in the background. The trouble was that when she decided she was over something, I still liked it, and then it was no longer something we did together. I think I tried to build too much of our time together around these interests that always changed for her, and given that they never fully developed we also stalled in our development as a couple. By that point, I was without my interests, without her interests, and then she decided that she liked things that I couldn't do because of health reasons - leaving me out. Then she had an affair while doing one of those things, but it was somewhat my fault (ha!) because I was no fun.

So yeah - definitely back into my things since right before the break up and even cultivating some new ones. One night, before moving out she said "you're so different now!" and I said "no, I'm just back to doing the things I enjoy. I did these things before we met and somehow lost track trying to save us." She goes, "yeah, that's what I mean, you're better. This is you without me. Better."

I just laughed. I was just putting my oxygen mask on first before trying to help her with hers. Instead, she saw me as better off without her and couldn't see the mask sitting in her own lap.

Hey Heartachex2!
I’m glad that you’ve found that holding on to your interests is the healthier route to take. I’ve failed to do this over and over again. It’s reassuring to hear your testimony. It baffles the mind how time consuming these relationships can be by simply trying to keep them in tact.

JNChell you are most correct in that we lose ourselves. I also slowly ended participating in most of the hobbies and activities I enjoyed so much. I realize in hindsight I was withdrawing from life. I now play hockey 2-3 times per week , go to the library again, volunteer and am planning on doing some fly fishing again this year. I feel like I am living again and not in survival mode.

I think I tried to build too much of our time together around these interests that always changed for her, and given that they never fully developed we also stalled in our development as a couple.

Hi lighthouse9!
Exactly! This reminds me of the saying constantly “moving the goalposts”. It’s basically impossible to center around anything in the relationship when things like this are constantly changing. Just when you start to feel a little comfortable, boom!

I’m sorry that you had to experience what you described. Her affair was not your fault. That is her’s to own whether she accepts it or not. Like most of us, you went above and beyond for the sake of her happiness. Thank you for sharing.

I now play hockey 2-3 times per week , go to the library again, volunteer and am planning on doing some fly fishing again this year. I feel like I am living again and not in survival mode.

This is great to hear, grd123! I’m glad you’re getting your footing back. Does it feel liberating?

Admitting and accepting that we allowed ourselves to become so enmeshed in these relationships is a hard pill to swallow. It takes introspection to do that. Thank our good graces that we possess the ability to look within. It’s the only path to true healing.

JNChell,
I completely agree. I didn't realize how much work this relationship was until 9 months in when I found myself unable to accomplish what I was accomplishing in my career, life, etc post-divorce. That realization along with her sudden bursts of anger and a whole host of other factors made me walk away and go NC. I'm still having a hard time because I do miss her and the little family that we had created.

I'm still having a hard time because I do miss her and the little family that we had created.

Ah man, Heartachex2. This hits so close to home with me. At the the time, keeping our little family together was my biggest goal in life. I know how hard it is to let that go. I’m still in a lot of pain from that, but through therapy and spending a lot of time here, I’m realizing that putting the amount of time I did in trying to salvage our family was another reason why I became so lost. There’s no room for a non’s self care in these relationships. That realization doesn’t really take the pain away, but it has helped to rationalize letting go. Hope that makes sense.

JNChell,
That's what kept me together with my dBPD-NPD ex-wife and it's also what kept me together with my uBPD-NPD ex-gf. I wanted a family and especially with my uBPD-NPD ex-gf who was an excellent homemaker (little did I know that her need for perfection in the kitchen, home, etc was simply just her disorder).

This thread definitely strikes a cord with me. My wife and I first started dating back in 2007 and looking back at my life now, it's crazy how many things I used to love doing that I no longer do or very rarely do.

It's not that I can't do them if I really decided to. It's just that it's not worth the fight and the headache every time. I used to hike almost every weekend. I used to eat out at a different restaurant almost every weekend. I used to work out at the gym religiously. I used to have music playing at home all the time. I used to enjoy my long commute home with the windows down and sunroof opened and music cranked up... .I hate my drive home now- because it means I'm going home.

A few weeks ago, my wife took my son with her out of town to go to her mom's house. It's the first time in YEARS that I had an entire weekend to myself (which she made me feel guilty about).  After getting housework done, I pretty much watched TV the entire weekend. I didn't even use the opportunity to get back into the things I enjoy in life. My wife has clearly done a good job of conditioning me over the years to not think I'm allowed to do the things I enjoy anymore.

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Hi mstnghu! Thanks for joining the thread. Man, I’m sorry that you’ve felt this way for so long. It must be very hard to remember the things that you love that made you feel whole, and to recognize that you’ve been oppressed into eliminating those things from your life. This is common in these relationships. BTW, how old is your Son?

Was having the house to yourself for a weekend peaceful? I’m just wondering if you felt the tension ease up a little. If a stress causing trigger left me alone for a couple of days, I would probably melt into the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house, and let my body relax.

Are your plans to stay in this marriage? It sounds like you have given more than you’ve gotten back. I wasn’t married to my ex, so I hope I’m not overstepping here.

If you want to hike, try different food, hit the gym and listen to music? I suggest you do. If and when you do, your wife will likely become agitated. There are skills lessons on this site to help deal with that. Browse. Aside from that, how do you feel about staying with your pwBPD?

when i was lost in my BPD relationship and before i know what it was. I stop doing my favorite activity which was working out at the gym and staying fit. while i was in the relationship i lots gains and confidence in myself. my friends could see it in my face and body. when i became aware of the disorder and did my research. i was able to protect myself a bit more and get the old me back before i was too far gone. Working out helped me with my confidence and helped me relieve stress and create a boundary for myself in the relationship.

Hi Mrb87!

Thanks for posting! I’m glad you were able to get some boundaries set in your relationship. I agree completely with you that the gym is one of the best places we can find ourselves, regardless of our situations. This is something I’ve been trying to reimplement into my routine, which needs a major overhaul. I was once in tip-top shape, and feeling and looking good. I can get it back. Bravo to you for doing so for yourself.

Are you still in a relationship with your pwBPD? If so, how are things going for the two of you?

Thanks for stopping by, Mrb87!

I let go of everything!  No boundaries whatsoever    However since I left my ex I got back in the gym, took up my yoga again and mindfulness meditation.  I've also taken courses and am currently studying art, ceramics and photography.  Recently I learned to ice skate and how to do somersaults onto an airbag.  The biggest difference I've noticed is how much more fulfilled I feel, more alive and more myself.  I lost her there for a while.  There is the added bonus in doing new things of meeting new people with similar mindsets/interests who are more on a level with where I am individually.  I'm practising my newfound boundaries with some. 

What have you rediscovered and how have you found making such changes in your life affects your state of mind JNChell?

Love and light x

Well, Harley Quinn, that’s a work in progress. I basically dropped everything too. Right now, with my Son, I’m focused on getting a solid routine/schedule in order. I just sold a property, and this will get me out of my friend’s place and in to my own. I’ve tried my best to be a quiet presence while staying with him.

Right now, I’m mainly concerned with my well being. I have BPDFmily, a solid T and I’m getting back in the gym along with being pickier on what I put in body. Introspect and education can be lumped in there as well.

As far as my interests go? Healthy parenting, music (making/listening), fishing/hunting/outdoors, health, politics to a point, handy work, making my relationships stronger, advancing in my career. Stuff like that. I’m hoping I can add to this list along the way. I’m also hoping that I can become well rounded at meeting new people again. To be able to strike up random conversations with total strangers. I was good at that. Now I’m like a turtle in a shell.

Was having the house to yourself for a weekend peaceful? I’m just wondering if you felt the tension ease up a little. If a stress causing trigger left me alone for a couple of days, I would probably melt into the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house, and let my body relax.


Honestly, I had a great weekend by myself. I know that if I had more weekends like that to myself, I would go out and do more of the things I enjoy. It was actually nice to just sit around knowing that I could relax and breathe easy without living under a microscope. I watched a lot of TV and didn't call or text anybody all weekend. I was still productive. I got all the housework done, went to the gym, ordered take-out for dinner and actually got to order what I wanted, etc. When she came home with the kid, I was feeling pretty relaxed. Unfortunately, it was short-lived.


Are your plans to stay in this marriage? It sounds like you have given more than you’ve gotten back. I wasn’t married to my ex, so I hope I’m not overstepping here.

It's complicated. Ultimately, I don't think it's possible to have a happy relationship with her. I don't think she's capable of changing and we've been dealing with the same issues since early in our relationship. No amount of communication on my part ever seems to bring her to her senses. I wouldn't say that she doesn't give. She's actually a very hard worker and pulls her weight around the house... .but I always feel like it's more of a pretense so others see her in a positive light. She's constantly "doing things", but I always feel like there are strings attached. Her mother is also very much the same way. They both do "so much" but it always seems to be an act so they can present a facade of being very selfless and generous. I'd rather my wife do nothing for me, but be nice and respectful. I'd happily go back to my pre-marriage days of doing my own cooking, laundry, etc. Emotionally, I definitely give far more than I ever get back. There's literally no satisfying her. She's like this with many other people too, not just me. Nobody can win with her. So, basically my short answer would be that divorce is an idea that I've thought long and hard about many times and I'd be at peace with that decision.

I have slowly and steadily been gaining my independence back over the last couple of years. I'm definitely doing more of the things I enjoy, but it's been baby steps. I've come to realize that her neverending guilt trips about me doing anything I want to do to be happy are really just an attempt to control me based on her own feelings of inadequacy and insecurities.  Sometimes, the fight really isn't worth it. I have so many co-workers and friends looking into our relationship from an outsider's perspective and they can't believe the dynamic that me and the wife have. Even many woman friends and co-workers are blown away by how much my wife tries to control me.

mstnghu,
I’m glad you had a nice time and were able to decompress a bit. It sounds exhausting on your end. Be sure to keep us posted on how things are going and any new developments, if you’re comfortable in doing so. There’s always someone here 24/7. I’m looking forward to seeing more of you on the board! We’re glad you’re here with us!

I lost interest in doing the most things I liked (weightlifting,walking,,reading,work,motorcycles) it’s like a put my life on hold for this woman and she did none of that for me simply because BPD have no personality they just fake stuff.

 
Hi, ShawnIam!
Thanks for joining the thread! I read your OP. It sounds like you’ve been through quite an ordeal. I’m sorry about that. Please forgive me for not replying to your OP. It was triggering to read it. So similar in so many ways. It’s ok, I just don’t think I could’ve provided any decent feedback is all. :)

It’s difficult to find time for ourselves and our interests in these relationships when we’re constantly trying to keep the relationship in tact. I believe that this is where we start to lose ourselves. We are giving up part of our identity, after all. I’m happy to see that you’re taking steps to make your situation better.

Have you started to take your interests back at this point? I encourage you to keep your original thread rolling. There is a ton of support and knowledge on this site. I also encourage you to take advantage of the other resources here. The articles, videos and learning tools are very helpful. Be sure to keep us posted on how you’re doing with taking back what’s your’s. Welcome aboard, ShawnIam!

Did I let go of interests?  I don't know if I let them go, but I most definitely sat them aside completely during the relationship.  Initially, my wife loved to hear me play the piano and sing.  She would ask me to play for her and would sit on the piano bench next to me and watch and listen.  This was during the idealization phase.  The rest of the relationship?  Nothing.  Never asked me to play.  Nothing.  Stopped encouraging me to perform publicly.  The parts of me she put so much energy into reaffirming initially weren't even acknowledged.  I understand that in even healthy relationships, sometimes people take for granted or may not pay as much attention to things that are important to their partner.  But, in my relationship with my wife, those things were literally ignored altogether.  Everything centered around what kept her stable, what kept her from being triggered... .walking on egg shells.  Afraid of her repeating her devaluation and abandonment/discard cycle.  And anything that took attention away from her was viewed as a threat by her.  If my wife accused me of doing something inappropriate on Facebook (even though I offered all the proof required to negate the accusation) when I would get up and sit in the living room for 30 minutes or an hour on nights I couldn't sleep and didn't want to keep her awake (she had to get up early for work), there is NO WAY she would have been able to handle me playing at a piano bar 2-3 nights per week.  I can only imagine the accusations I would have endured.  I just kept hoping that someday, she would be able to trust me.  But, I've learned that most of that was projection.  I don't believe my wife was unfaithful, but I think that somehow, she was projecting her feelings of inadequacy on me by accusing me of things that not only weren't true and I could easily disprove, but sometimes, things that simply didn't even make logical sense.  In the example above, she would accuse me of doing something inappropriate (emotional infidelity, apparently) with a long-time female friend who lives 700 miles away, is happily married withe 3 children and I haven't seen in 31 years.  And the worst of it was that I wasn't even communicating with her when I would leave the bedroom until I was tired enough to sleep.  My cell phone had no security lock on it.  I told my wife that, as far as I was concerned, we could switch phones for a week and it wouldn't bother me a bit.  I had nothing to hide from her.  I told her that I wouldn't be offended at all if she went through my phone whenever she wanted.  To that, she replied, "No, if I have to go that far to trust you, it's gone too far already."  It was a catch-22.  She wanted to accuse me of things that weren't true and not accept the proof that they weren't true.  Finally, I just told her, "So, basically, you just want to be able to accuse me of doing things that I'm not since you won't accept the proof that I'm not doing them."  She just wanted to be able to continue to accuse me to keep me off balance and defending myself.  It was maddening and crazy-making.  She even came home one day and said that she had talked to someone in our apartment building who said I had someone with me in our apartment while she was at work.  Also not true.  And when I asked her who she talked to and who I supposedly had with me at our apartment, she wouldn't tell me.  It was absolutely bewildering.  Sorry, I got off topic, sort of.  The whole point is, I spent all of my time, energy and resources trying to keep her stable, making sure she didn't accuse me of anything, making sure she was happy, making sure she knew I loved her, making sure she knew I was faithful to her... .while she trampled my boundaries, spent all of her energy and resources on other things and other people... .total imbalance.  My point is, it went to such an extreme, almost imperceptibly over time, that I lost touch with and interest in the very things that make me tick as a person.  It became all about her and the relationship and over time, sucked me dry in every way.  

Hey there, PianoDood!

I’m glad you showed up here! You’ve been a great presence on the board.

The whole point is, I spent all of my time, energy and resources trying to keep her stable, making sure she didn't accuse me of anything, making sure she was happy, making sure she knew I loved her, making sure she knew I was faithful to her... .while she trampled my boundaries, spent all of her energy and resources on other things and other people... .total imbalance.  My point is, it went to such an extreme, almost imperceptibly over time, that I lost touch with and interest in the very things that make me tick as a person.  It became all about her and the relationship and over time, sucked me dry in every way.

Man, I feel for you because I know. Many of us here do.    I’m learning a lot by being active on this site. Being a rescuer/caretaker isn’t a bad thing. It’s a commendable trait in a lot of us. When we suffer for extending this trait? It becomes bad on many levels. I believe that I started picking up ”fleas” when I began to become resentful towards her and conflict ensued. Are you familiar with the term?

PianoDood, you did these courtesies for her because you love her. You were able to selflessly do those things because of love. Nothing more, nothing less. Our pwBPD simply can’t. They can’t give that trump card (control) away. It’s only “take” with them. Giving means vulnerability. I don’t know about you, but I want to be able to vulnerable to my partner, and her to me. What’s the point if it’s otherwise?

We’re glad you’re here, PianoDood. Thanks for being a contributor to the board. Stay active here. Keep posting and contributing to threads. Your personal testimony is helping others.

Jesus what I just read in black bold letters is insanely accurate made the hairs on my neck stand up!

Who’s post, bud?

The one above I believe from pianodood

Feel like posting?

I was punished by my uBPDx for having any interests apart from him, including volunteering, friendships and employment. And he did everything he could to derail my career in the film and television industry: raging, silent treatments, infidelities, constant angry text messages, and/or discards, if I took so much as a two-day gig away from him. I became afraid to say yes to paid work, because it would mean more emotional abuse for me. After the final discard, he sent me an email wishing me good luck in my career. Pfffffffffffft!

Hell no! I was definitely NOT giving up my main hobby of golf for her, and she of course made it a huge bone of contention, which I took to mean that she was selfish and inconsiderate. I did make some concessions as to when I played, but even that wasn't good enough because apparently if I really cared, then catering to her every whim would be my main activity in life.

Now that she is gone, I have gotten deep into making improvements to my house and love it.

J

 
Hi Lavonia!
It sounds like NC is working well in your situation. How’s the career and life in general after taking this stance?

Jeffree, I love to fish. Catch ‘em, clean ‘em, cook ‘em. I’m talking about  preparing a big spread from a day’s catch. I purposely bought our house on a property that had a pond with prime fishing so I could stay “home” and do my thing right outside. Mind you, this property was quite nice. So much to do and explore outside. If she was home while I fished, she would either send texts asking how long I was going to be, or carry our baby boy to the pond to tell me that he needs time with his daddy. I didn’t abuse the privilege of having this resource on our property! She agreed with having a plot of land in the country where we had space and peace. She spent her time on the couch.

Bottom line, I went all in with a woman/girl that I didn’t know yet. I put my self into tremendous debt and under a large amount of pressure because we got pregnant. In my mind, at the time, I was doing what was necessary. I ignored everything about me, and went into caretaker mode.

I’m beyond grateful for our Son, but I did some really stupid things when I found out he was on the way. He’ll have better guidance than my ex and myself ever had. I think he’ll be ok.

apparently my main hobbies of rugby, tennis, snooker and chess which ive dpne since childhood were looked upon as "middle class" in a derogatory way.

i did try to involve her in some of these and i dont know if it is the borderline chameleon in her but she really enjoyed it - initially - but showed little interest to adopt any type of sport or hobby.

I enjoyed teaching her for the first time to play snooker, and i knew how anxious she was about it. she had this perfectionist fault of not enjoying something unless she was perfect at it, and what I was looking forward to was spending time with her, she tried hard to please me but I could see how visibly angry she would be containing herself at how "stupid" she was for doing so badly. actually I felt she was doing well for an absolute beginner. so her withdrawl from hobbies, sports and work was i realised a way of avoiding criticism or embarrassment. a real shame because she was very bright and i enjoyed teaching her a lot of things that i saw started to make her feel a sense of pride (always the initial novelty) but it always subsided. as i had to give up the things id enjoyed because it made her jealous id "rather spend time on these show-off middle class activities", my new hobbies were just lying around the house with her watching stupid soap operas that ive always hated. hours and hours of watching 'friends' but not really watching and trying to feign an interest to please her.

its strange how at the time I just went along with all this and submerged my own feelings, now that i think back it makes me realise how boring and inert she really was and it was always left to me to come up with ideas to try new things.

i plan to get back in to the things i once enjoyed, i hate this sedentary lifestyle that i inherited from her it not only made me depressed but i realise it is keeping me depressed. if only i can find that spark of energy back, thats my biggest issue, I still feel physically and mentally drained of spirit and without that, everything i once was able to do with little effort =  at the moment it feels like asked to move mountains.

Hi JNChell, I lost a lot of confidence in this area too.  Someone (probably here) advised me to practise a little in low key situations, so I began to chat to the lady at the checkout and although I'm still wary of people having red flags, it gets easier.  Nobody respects the fire like he who was burned.  It will come back to you.  Otherwise you sound pretty busy, which is great!  Have you thought about what you'd like to expand your list to include?  Making plans for myself - even vague ones - was a real positive step, as it helped me to truly turn my attention onto myself after being so utterly absorbed in another.

Love and light x

Well as of last week I decided to get back into racing my motorcycle so I subscribed back to the local track for 4 lessons in may/June. I also sold my old car and am looking for a new project to fill the garage this spring time to go back to the old habits of what made me ... .me all these years ! The harder one is getting back to the gym but that’s more the pain I don’t want to live through !

I went line dancing this evening. I have always loved dancing, but h was uncomfortable with it and didn't want me going by myself. I had a lot of fun doing it.

Hey there, Cromwell! I relate to a lot of what you stated in your post. It never fails to amaze me at how similar all of these testimonials are.

i did try to involve her in some of these and i dont know if it is the borderline chameleon in her but she really enjoyed it - initially - but showed little interest to adopt any type of sport or hobby.

I did the same. She enjoyed some of these things for a while, or seemed to, at least. She was very good at them. Actually, better than me at a few. I was proud of her. I thought I had helped to open her up to alternative interests to the one or two that she had. I wasn’t trying to change her, I was just trying to show her that she could do well in stepping outside of her box in trying new things. She admits that she has low self esteem and is entirely indecisive. I feel like she eventually became jealous of my interests over time, even though I had us set up to where I could enjoy most of my interests without ever leaving the house.

its strange how at the time I just went along with all this and submerged my own feelings, now that i think back it makes me realise how boring and inert she really was and it was always left to me to come up with ideas to try new things.

Yes, yes & yes. My ex’s biggest interest is video games. She pretty much abandoned this after we got together. She knew that gaming wasn’t my thing, but I was fine with her having that as her own thing. I guess that I should’ve questioned why she gave it up at the time. It’s not a secret as to why, now. Mirroring. I once showed interest in having her teach me how to play one of her games so we could play together. I mean, she was learning and participating in my interests. I wanted to reciprocate. She seemed happy about the idea when I mentioned it, but nothing ever came of it.

i plan to get back in to the things i once enjoyed, i hate this sedentary lifestyle that i inherited from her it not only made me depressed but i realise it is keeping me depressed. if only i can find that spark of energy back, thats my biggest issue, I still feel physically and mentally drained of spirit and without that, everything i once was able to do with little effort =  at the moment it feels like asked to move mountains.

I’m with you here. We will get there, and we will end up as better versions of ourselves for what we’ve endured. We’re part of this support group because we’re aware of much within our own realities. I’m not afraid to say that this site is genius, and it takes everyone here to create that synergy.

Hi, Harley Quinn!
Thanks for reaching out with this. It’s quite interesting on how we can allow these relationships and situations to change us in such profound ways.

Hi JNChell, I lost a lot of confidence in this area too.  Someone (probably here) advised me to practise a little in low key situations

I’ve been doing this recently. It feels good. For me, it’s been mostly at work and diners when I take my Son out to eat. I’ve been making a conscious effort to hold my head up and look ahead. To say “Hi” to folks in passing that make eye contact and to try to present myself as being open. The latter isn’t progressing well, yet. I don’t push it. It is what it is.

Have you thought about what you'd like to expand your list to include?  Making plans for myself - even vague ones - was a real positive step, as it helped me to truly turn my attention onto myself after being so utterly absorbed in another.

Yes. Taking trips, going out to eat, going to the movies, etc. by myself. Of course my Son would be involved on our time. I’m trying to describe when I’m alone. I’ve never been good at being alone. It feels like it would be healthy in my recovery to step outside of the box of not doing anything because I don’t have anyone to do it with.

ShawnIam, this great to hear! Thank you for posting it. |iiii I imagine that you miss the excitement of racing. It’s great to know that you’re already taking initiatives and making plans in moving forward. Bravo to you for that!

Getting back to you is a good thing. Also, be sure to be mindful in this process. Regain your interests, but let’s do the work that we need to do to never end up in these situations again. We found ourselves in them for a reason.ShawnIam, you’ve been a great contributor here. Many thanks for that.

Getting back in the gym has been a hard one for me too. My employer has an excellent gym onsite. I lasted a week thus far. I’ll get back into it. Re-establishing healthy routines seems to be pretty difficult after coming out of these relationships. We’ll get there, Brother. Thanks for contributing to the thread. |iiii

 , empath! I’m happy to hear that you went out and did some dancing! I bet it felt great. I love to dance as well. It feels great to move to music that moves you. :)

There was always music playing when my ex and I were preparing a big meal and having a couple beers on the weekends. I would grab her up and start dancing with her around the kitchen. She was very insecure and shy (waif) to things like this, but I would lead her through it until she let go and started having fun. Slow dancing? I held her close and had her stand on my feet. Wow, I really miss her in this moment.

JNChell, just to contribute one other thought I have about the hobbies or things we introduced our exs to. I firmly believe that if they seem to have some sort of cross-over value to the new relationships they have in the future, they will replay their experiences and feign an interest that they observed from being with us in order to impress the new relationship. I havent seen this happen as I have nothing to do with her at all but I just get a vibe that at her core was a great disinterest in doing much of anything but a great ability of mimicing past experiences she had in relationships. I actually struggle to find anything unique about my ex in a way I could describe the things she liked doing, its as if she lived vicariously through me the entire relationship or through other significant people in her life, even choosing jobs based on what her friends chose to work in.

sorry to ramble, just that it crossed my mind as significant. I can really imagine her plagiarising the things we did together and pass them off to a new partner as stuff that she was always interested in. bit sad really I start to feel more sorry for her nowadays than anything else.

Cromwell, I agree with this.

they will replay their experiences and feign an interest that they observed from being with us in order to impress the new relationship

When I was in an obsessive information seeking stage, I found a dating profile that she had started and abandoned. In the “favorite music” section, she listed most of my favorites. In the “ideal first date” section, she described our first date. That hurt a lot to see. I felt very used.

I’m not proud of the obsessive information seeking. It says a lot about who am I am and where I’m at with myself. I had no answers to anything, and was unable to walk away.

JNChell that's really great!  I used to treat myself once a week to a film at the cinema by myself.  It was my time of peace and unwinding.  Not working around someone else is really nice sometimes.  A couple of my friends are horrified at the thought of going somewhere on their own and I think that's a shame.  It's very empowering.  We are enough.  Good on you  |iiii


You're not on your own there.  A lot of us have fallen foul of the same types of things and many of us have had reality checks about ourselves as a result of our experience.  It's a positive thing as it makes us think about what we would want to do differently in the future.  Turn it in your favour.

Love and light x

Thank you, HQ. As you know, this is so hard.