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BD stepdaughter moves into our home with two grandchildren in transition from a move from Wisconsin to North Carolina. Her husband lived in a motor home less than 15 minutes away with their three cats. She then went to my husband and told him I made her feel unwelcome in our home. This after she moved about a quarter of her personal belongings into my garage and several of the rooms including setting up a full pantry of her “wholesome “ foods in my dining room, bathed her children in my bathroom garden tub instead of the guest bath, ran 3 loads of laundry a day leaving clothes in washer or dryer so I couldn’t plan to do my own wash and regularly borrowed my clothing and footwear. Of course she was living there for free and had changed her mailing address to ours rather than getting a PO Box. My husband said he didn’t see any of this as disrespectful. He wasn’t willing to establish any limits for her or her children.

When I set up limits to our relationship after they moved into their own home, she treated me with even more disrespect, avoiding me or walking away from conversations. She then blocked me from Facebook and removed all my photos from the family sights which she moderated. Then went on the smear campaign to garner support from her siblings and in laws. She continues to post memes about toxic relationships and has gone as far as calling me a snake. Her husband even posted a meme saying - don’t mess with a man who can end your life from another zip code on the same day he sent me a threatening text message.

By Christmas she was suggesting that I was irresponsible with posting pictures of her children with me even though other family members have done so as well.

So now I’m the one in counseling. Taking care of myself. Facebook can be a media for bullying and abuse. It’s sad really since it could network so many people together if used responsibly.

Can you tell us a bit about the limits that you set up?

What type of pictures did she react too? Its pretty common for gramdma to post picts of the kids. Had she ever said anything about it before?

1. Come to the house only when invited, if I was there (I work, my husband is retired).
2. Do not go in my bedroom, essentially keep to the shared rooms. Kitchen living room etc.
3. Don’t bring her laundry over to be done when visiting.

In ten years she never once asked me to not post pictures of the children with me or her father. That happened after I spent a week home decorating gingerbread houses, baking cookies and cupcakes, watching Christmas movies and other projects.

I’ve read that BDs with children can have a fear of abandonment if their children have a loving relationship with another woman. Perhaps that is what swung the pendulum.

hi PrincessAngel2

Wow!  This is a very difficult situation for you. Notwithstanding the complexities of your BPD stepdaughter, her behaviour can lead to resentment and conflict where you and your husband do not agree on boundaries for her.

It goes right to the heart of respect .

I a currently cut out of my DD27's life following a volatile rage, she has also blocked me from social media and posts about toxic relationships.  She is also garnering support from other families members co-ercing them into not sending me pictures of my GD1.

It is very hard, the reality is very distorted.  I'm so glad you're in counselling.  It is so important to recognise where the issues lie and do something positive to address it. 

Despite the challenges, you sounds very strong and assured about the path you're taking. If that is the case, well done to you. |iiii

Take care
Merlot

Hi PrincessAngel2,  I can relate to this as well. My DD26 just unfriended me from FB after I turned her down for the first time when she asked me for money.   And she then put up a public post about family not being there for you and that she is done with "family".   I knew she was going to be asking for money... .its a cycle that has been going on forever.  She makes horrible choices and runs her life into a ditch.  Her dad and I pay to fix all the problems and get her back on the right path.  She never is appreciative of anything and then starts the cycle all over again.   She has a degree and license in Cosmetology which she chooses to not pursue (its NEVER her fault when things go wrong... .according to her, but in actuality its totally her doing).  I sent her a very kind response and told her we love her and we know she is capable of fixing her financial problems.  I told her that dad and I need to focus on saving for our retirement.   She immediately unfriended me and began social media bashing.   sigh.   So I can relate.  You are not alone.   Prayers that you can find peace.

Merlot and FaithfulHope
Thank you for sharing your stories which are just as important and heartbreaking as my own.

It is a long journey to the place where I don’t personalize things. I’m a pleaser and rescuer myself. I’m learning to let go of control and recognize and celebrate my imperfections and who I have become as a person - which is good enough on any standard.

I’m also re-establishing my personal convictions. My hisband says I’ve changed and I probably have. I wonder if he can accept me for who I am now?  That is what really matters - correct?

Hello PrincessAngel2

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, it’s really horrible to feel disrespected by a family member. I put up with it for far too long from my uBPD son who told me more than once to my face that he didn’t respect me. To be honest he didn’t need to tell me, it was obvious from his behaviour and the way that he treated me.

Like you I have been a people pleaser for way too long and I felt the need to start putting myself first for once. Also like you, I too am currently having counselling and I can feel myself changing. Part of me wants to hold onto the old me that I’ve become so used to, but I know in my heart that that is not a good place to be and I am starting to embrace the new more self assured me that cares about me first instead of last. You say you wonder if your husband can accept you for who you are now, do you really doubt that? You are doing the right thing, you are taking care of yourself, you are important and you matter and you believe in yourself x

Hi PrincessAngel2

Like Feeling Better, I think you should be very proud of yourself for making small changes.  Unfortunately, when you make changes this can be uncomfortable for others... .it changes the status quo.  But it is important to recognise that this is their issue... .not yours.  If you can step away emotionally and look at it from a distance it may alleviate some of the doubt for you.

Stay strong, there is wonderful information on the board about fear, obligation and guilt.  Essentially those emotions that keep us stuck and how we can move forward.  Well done to you. |iiii

Merlot