BPDFamily.com

Hello - I'm new to this board as of yesterday. I am having to finally admit my mother has uBPD. She is currently not talking to me because I wouldn't side with her in an argument against my dad and take on her anger. I offered empathy to which she later said, "I wish you could just show me empathy,." This made it clear empathy is not what she desires since that is just what I had given her.

My question is: are BPD people ever able to see themselves and this disorder for what it is? Is there hope if she was "diagnosed" that she might be willing to work on it or is that impossible with this disorder? I know each person is different but curious if there are any BPD people who ever get to a better mindframe and able to shift - even just a little.

She comes form an extremely abusive (mentally, physically, sexually) childhood, and tho she spent years in therapy and says she is past it, she isn't.

Thank you

Welcome, goldilox!

 

Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.


Yes, however, without an ability for deep introspection and self-awareness, the odds of this are low. Unfortunately, borderlines do not have deep reserves for self-awareness because the problems in their lives are usually attributed to someone or something else.


Yes. There is absolutely hope, but the caveat here is that the person with the disorder will have to recognize that the pain they are causing in their lives is greater than the pain of going through focused therapy to treat BPD. Said another way, they will have to want to receive help.


Yes. There are countless people who suffer from BPD who are active in DBT programs and who report improved lives and by extension, relationships with others. Please don't give up hope, but realize that your mother will have to want this for herself.

Please feel free to post - tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

Goldilox,

I think everyone comes to this forum looking for hope.  However, I have been told that it is rare unless they want it as Speck suggests above.  How do they see it?  Generally speaking, they have to get to the point that they have alienated everyone in their lives. Then, they finally start seeing who the common denominator is. 

I, too, would love to hear from folks who have managed to convince their uBPDs through reason, logic and evidence.

LeenLou

Hi Goldilox:
Welcome to the community!
I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your mom.
It sounds like her parents may have had some form of mental illness.  Has your mother ever shared any diagnosis she may have received, while she was in therapy?  Has she been on any meds in the past or currently?

Unfortunately, we can't force someone to get treatment or accept a given label. Labels can be arbitrary, so sometimes it can be best to deal with the individual behavior problems.  i.e. treating anxiety and/or depression, learning to manage emotions and gain coping skills, etc.

Good for you for not taking sides and letting yourself get in the middle of a drama triangle with both parents.

What's you mom's pattern with "the silent treatment"?  Does she get over it, after a short period of time, or does she hold onto a grudge?   Is she giving you dad  "the silent treatment" as well? 

Some people have the experience that circumstances bring you both together and things go on as if nothing ever happened.

All we can do is set our personal boundaries (that we have control over), and manage the way we interact and react to someone.  It can be easier said than done, and take some practice.  Sounds like you enforced a boundary with your mom, by not taking a side. 

Stay strong.  This is a good place to come and vent.

My mother admitted it to me 3 years ago.  It didn't change anything,  though she did open up more about her horrible childhood (similar to your mom's). It was was validating to me for about a minute,  but anti climactic. Tell me something I didn't already figure out... .I didn't tell her that.  I appreciated her candor, even though the conversation started off with her arm chair diagnosing my ex with BPD.

Her view of empathy is different from yours,  do you think? There are BPD specific communication tools here which might work to help reduce conflict.  :)o you want to give them a try?