BPDFamily.com

Everything I’m reading seems to indicate there’s this little secret we all have and we’re helping each other, learning all these great tools to use with a person who has absolutely no idea how they are behaving is really SICK! and their perspectives are not in reality, and they need massive amounts of help.  
But we can’t tell them because they can’t handle it?  
Please tell me i’ve missed something?

True.

A BPD already has a low self image. If you tell them they "have BPD" - they then have "proof" that they are broken. It doesn't help them. They probably won't even believe you. 

They *DO* need help. They should get that from a professional. If the professional decides to tell them - then that is their call.

What you CAN do is look at their BEHAVIOURS. I would say to my exBPDwife things like "I know it's difficult for you to hold 2 conflicting emotions in you at the same time, but this situation does have a good and bad side to it". I would refer to her "characteristics" of BPD merely as characteristics of HER.

The core feelings,  the deep wound of a pwBPD is "my feelings are worthless and don't matter; therfore,  I'm worthless and don't matter." In other words: deep shame about who they are as individuals. 

Before I landed here,  I told my ex that I thought she had borderline personality disorder.  She told me later that it scared the crap out of her. Just my words.  I didn't describe it.  A month or so later,  she was googling and told me,  "I think I may have some kind of attachment disorder." I didn't respond to that.  Not diagnosed with BPD,  she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  I would encourage her to get help.  She accused me of "throwing my 'sickness' in my face!" I never used the term "sickness" but it indicated to me how she felt about herself. 

This discussion might help you,  as yours is a common question:

1.05 | Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0;all)

Since BPD is a primarily emotional condition that often has its sufferers unable to face shame or blame, or responsibility for their own feelings and actions, telling them they have a mental illness can be very hurtful to them, and counterproductive for you. 

They spend so much time doing mental gymnastics to make things other people's faults, being told "you have a mental illness that causes all this pain," is really no different than, "it's pretty much just your fault so go get some help already."

I find the terms "depression" and "anxiety" and "poor self-worth" to be safer to use.  H does not deny he has the first two, and has trouble when he tries to deny the last one.  And, he can also have all of these anyway in ADDITION to BPD, as these things are not mutually exclusive. 

Just like any problem, if you can take care of parts of it, sometimes the other parts are more manageable.  I may not be able to wash ALL my dishes, but if I can get the big stuff washed so it can be put away, the smaller things are more manageable.  I may not be able to mow, weed eat, trim tree, paint the house, all the same day, but I can tackle one or the other and that makes the others less tiresome to get around to.

If a pwBPD is dysregulating about travel or anything else in life, you can validate their feelings by asking about anxiety they feel and try to have a discussion on that end.

The term BPD help us a lot more than it helps them, in my opinion.  It seems to take a lot to get someone with BPD into T and for T to actually make headway.  In the meantime, we now have ways to look up tools to assist us in forming better relations and drama mitigation tools. :)  You can treat someone who swims, waddles, and quacks like a duck without telling them you think they are a duck - the actions are more important than the labels. 

Do I tell him?  Sort of, I guess.   My H was a sort of "late bloomer" with BPD.   Our first ten years of marriage - pretty good overall.   Looking back - there were things/times where something seemed "off" but nothing like now.   

Then the second decade together- he deployed and did several combat tours.  He does have PTSD - but,  working thru that I realized that he is very likely BPD.   His mother was dxd around the same time which is why I started researching BPD to begin with... .

I don't tell him because - the combat tours/PTSD provides him "cover" if you will.   I think our friends/family members would have shunned him if they thought/knew that he has a personalty disorder,  they are much more sympathetic thinking his moments of deregulation are from post combat stress.     

Well if his mother has BPD,  that explains a lot.  BPD parents (my mother is) can traumatize their children.   Regarding the PTSD, this might help she'd more light:

DIFFERENCES|COMORBIDITY: Borderline PD and PTSD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=42598.0;all)

Sofi,

Short answer, no, talking about BPD or saying we think they have it almost always turns out poorly.  There is a stigma attached, and pwBPD have a heightened sense of shame and their defenses keep them from thinking that anything in them can be causing the trouble.  There is a more general term called "anosognosia" which describes the idea that someone with mental illness can't understand that they have it.

I think you would find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy).  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past anosognosia and into therapy.  The video is an hour and forty minutes long.  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  It's worth watching, but you may also want to read his book, "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment."  In the video, he says that two things are predictive of whether or not someone will stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (usually not going to happen), and 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  He founded the LEAP Institute to train people in these techniques (www.leapinstitute.org).  LEAP stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. 

WW