BPDFamily.com

So I have posted here a few times. My wife and I have been to couseling three times now. She says she is owning that she has been mean to the kids. She says she has screwed up. But I think she is telling me what I want to hear? Last couple of weeks have been like honeymoon stage all over again. SHE IS PLEASENT BUT i STILL SEE THINGS THAT ARE NOT QUITE RIGHT. She had painted some of my Family black and that is still the case and my kids are miserable they cant go see their grandmother as much and are still afraid to ask to go over there for fear of wife getting mad or that they may hurt mommys feelings.

SAhe has apologized to them and told them everything is her fault not theirs. But then she goes on to say things like I am a horrible mom and I am a horrible person to the point the 9 year old crys and tells her no your not and it ends up being that the wife is being consoled by the nine year old instead of the other way around. The nine year old is now twisted around and is becoming really close to the wife. but she is stressed about it so bad that she had to go to ER (ended up being constipation) and is chewing skin off end of fingers.

The therapist has told me she thinks My wife is definitely struggling with Borderline and she would be happy to help tell her in a caring way. She also told me I need to read the book boundaries and be ready to use action if needed to set some things and be ready to separate if needed. The last couple of week wife is telling me she is really trying to be better and i can see it but I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop in that I believe if she does not go one-on-one to therapy for the issues that have caused her to feel the way she has in her childhood, that she will continue in this destructive way again.  ''Last week after therapy I had confronted her about lies. She then said OK so you have one example of lies I have told, I said no that was just one I happen to have recorded and then also recorded when you lied again about saying you never did something. She said I am sorry your right I am a liar and have lied to you. Can we move forward and you trust me from here on out. I replied I will try and she got all upset  and how are we going to move forward if you cant trust me? I said trust s earned. She said well will you trust me from here on out? I agreed for the sake of keeping the argument to a minimum as we were headed to pick up the kids.

My Family is pressuring me to stop worrying so much about my wifes feelings and to put the kids feelings first and get them into therapy before it is too late.

Does anyone else have issue like this where you are needing to get the kids the help they need but the wife is still not really owning all of the things she has done? She can see the damage to the oldest self esteem, she says Yes I have been mean to them, but wont say what or how she has been mean. I dont think she actually get is because I asked her what she was apologizing to the kids for and she said for being mean to them? She said you have told me over and over in our conversations and therapy that I have been mean to them. I think she does thinkg like this to appease or to please me because she thinks that is what I want? I think she is being very passive aggressive in things and I am not sure how to tackle it.

I am at the point where I am not sure if I am being a worse Husband by not telling the wife what i and the therapist believe to be wrong, or a worse father because my kids feelings and self esteem are in harms way? She is trying right now, but she takes the kids to jump zone or magic house or something extravagant non stop she does nto know how to just hang out with them and make them feel loved with out spending money on them? 

Hi Serenitywithin,


It’s complicated. I wouldn’t suggest to tell her let’s turn the telescope the other way around. If you were told you were mentally ill with the worst diagnosis for mental illness how would you react? I think that she’s trying to validate that she’s a good mom when she does lavish things for your kids. I don’t think that it’s possible to protect the kids feeelings / self esteem 100% of the time there are other situations outside of the family home that the kids will encounter.

You’re right she is looking for validation when she’s turning it on herself.

I agree with your family.  Your wife is an adult, your children are not and are depending on you to protect them and help them.  Get them into therapy, it will help them negotiate the mine field that is a BPD mother.


These are two separate issues, why does getting your kids help need to depend on your wife being accountable for her actions?  This is apples and oranges.

Your Therapist has offered to talk with her why not let her?


My SO's uBPDxw did the same thing with their daughters.  It is that being neglectful or overly indulgent thing.  One end of the stick or the other, never the consistent parent in the middle.  

Panda39 

Serenitywithin,

Hi - you are certainly not being the worst husband or father.  I think my dad won that award, so I can be a good judge  *)

It sounds to me like you may have picked up a little bit of the BPD tendency for black and white thinking.  Working with BPD is not an "I did it, it's done," kind of thing.  It's not a "I helped my wife and neglected my kids I fail," kind of thing.  It CAN be a little "I have some balls in the air I am juggling and some will be higher than others at various times, and a few might even be dropped but I can pick them up," kind of thing.  It's a process, not an end.

Anf from what my friends tell me, just being a parent is like that, even without BPD.  

Kids - kids need at least one stable, consistent parent.  Based on their ages, you can find kind ways without bashing your wife to let them know about her disorder so they can be a little protected.  Your T might be able to help with that, how to communicate appropriately based on age.  Mostly, if they can know "Mommy can feel stressed at times and this can make her get mad, but that's okay because even mad she loves us and just can't show it at that time."  

Its great you have a T to talk to - I bet she can be a really good resource.  

Family input - I'm sorry, but your family can be the very worst to ever give advice, especially when something as tricky and nebulous as BPD is involved.  Most people simply can't understand it.  They hear the crazy, and say, "leave".  They don't understand there's enough of a loving, kind, caring person in there you just can't u and go.  I tend to filter what I tell friends or family.  It does me no good to have them attacking from another front, telling me things I can't do or have no inclination to do, just because they want to feel the issue is solved.  BPD is an ongoing thing, much like diabetes or other chronic, forever conditions.  You don't just give someone insulin once and that's it, not do you say, you watch your sugar I'm going to be a jerk and we can all have cake.  There is a middle ground, this is what we look to reach.  

Stopping worrying about her feelings - this is partially decent advice, but not in the way they mean. - Her feelings are HER responsibility.  Not yours.  Not the kids.  Hers.  You can be supportive, you can be loving, but she has to manage her own emotions, and you are allowed to have your own, distinctly separate ones.  I bet like many on here, you face some codependency.  I do.  I often feel for me to be happy everyone else has to be.  If someone is sad, I'm supposed to "fix" it.  I can even reset H for being upset if I feel fine because I can feel conflicted about "can I still be fine or do I need to be upset, too?"  As a child of 2 BPD adults, I can say being allowed to have my own emotions is a revelation that was long coming.  This is something to work on with the kids.  I bet some have picked up on feeling they need to manage mommy's emotions for her.  

You should not be expected to pick/choose between your W and your kids.  If your W is being particularly abusive, yes, set a boundary and take the kids for a walk to get them out of the line of fire. Yes, tell her abusive action is not going to be accepted.  Find ways that work for you to enforce that boundary.  I'd pick one, good, easy to remember boundary to start with.  Remember, it's a process.  Pick a boundary, get used to enforce it.  Get comfortable with it.  Get the family sued to it being a new normal, a new fact.  It could be no yelling.  It could be no derogatory statements about herself (triggering the kids to validate her - that is something I remember, pretty unhealthy.  I was mom's caretaker, confidant, emotional booster... .but she was not able to reciprocate.  I was more HER mother from age 7 forward to a point where in my 20s she was like a wayward teenage daughter for me).  Anyway, once you get used to enforcing the boundary, you can pick another and then work on it now that the first has been established and you are practiced in using it.

The trust comments about lying - this is tricky because she's wanting a black and white answer to a question about which you feel very grey.  You DO have to trust someone to see if they can be trusted.  Sadly, there is no other way.  But I think the phrase is "trust but verify."  Not blindly, not without doing a few checks when possible.  She wanted to avoid blame (BPD symptom) by trying to shove the previous lying under a rug and ignore it.  And sometimes with BPD we need to do just that, ignore some of what they say and do as irrelevant or unimportant in the big picture.  There are times I know H is wrong in what he is saying, so I have to gauge "is this even important?  Is this something that will affect us badly?  :)oes this need to be corrected or will it mean nothing in 10 minutes?"  Knowing he will mold and shape conversations to fit his emotions of the minute, I find corecting him at tiems is useless and just causes conflict.  Pick and choose the battles, as you can.  

Again, you are trying to juggle a lot.  It's not your job to make your family satisfied with your r/s at this time.  So that's a ball you can stop worrying about - just tell them 'I am seeing a T, this is a long process, and the kids' welfare is on everyone's mind."  

Thanks for the responses, the reason it is linked is that What do I tell the wife the kids are in therapy for if she thinks the problem is not her? I need to tell the therapist that they need to be seen to get the self esteem up after the way the mother has treated them, but until I confront her and get her to realize that she has BPD traits, how do I go about telling the therapist that. She is going to want to be involved in their therapy?




My Family actually cares for her and wants her to get the help she needs and they dont want me to have to get a divorce or leave, but they want me to stop worrying about her feels ings and tell her the kids need the therapy and it is her actions and emotional abuse that has lead to them needing therapy. They what the kids to get the help as I do, I have been tryign to bring the horse to water as it were to get my wife to see the issues so that it validates what the kids need help with/for?

I also understand what you are saying about turning it around on me and how would I feel if I was told I was mentally ill. I feel terribly for her, and I will try to get her in for the help she needs, the Therapist said I need ot be ready to set a baoundry with a consequence of seperation geographically if she wont start therapy for herself? The T also said  I would need to keep the kids during a seperation to protect their hearts and minds. I am afraid this would destroy my wife, and she would not let me take the kids easily , she needs to think she is a good mother even when she relies on the kids for validation instead of the other way around.  I am fearful in some ways about this.

Being the non in a relationship is mentally challenging. I know that my feelings of guilt are part of my fixer attitude and personality. I do love her but this is putting me through the ringer emotionally.