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Two weeks no contact, and I don't know if its because I know there is no going back, and all my chickens have come home to roost, or something else.
I did read today, that some solar storm is wreaking havoc here on planet earth, causing a shift in energy levels, and having a negative impact on people's emotional state.
The past 3 days have been unbearable, and the urge to break contact has been A struggle.
I can't find peace.
Anyone else?

Pencil,

As I worked through NC (and I failed once... ), the question I kept asking myself was:

How is contacting them a GOOD thing? After a short conversation in my head, I was almost always able to walk it back, as I understood that it never ended well (for me).

My BPD nightmare had actually inspired me to journal on a daily basis. One of the smartest things I ever did, as looking at my journal(over 2 years old at present, started it at a crisis moment in the relationship) reminds me on a regular basis of how I got to where I did, reminded me that I wasn't crazy, and kept me focused on the objective, particularly why this person wasn't good for me.

It also helped me get through difficult parts early in the NC process, as I would vent my frustrations in the moment(did in Notes on my Iphone).

I can give you tons if other reasons why I would recommend doing this, but I won't ramble on.

Best of luck going forward... .

Pencil sketch, the affect that this disorder has on us is profound. I’m going to be very blunt here. Our pwBPD had an affect on us because we’re messed up as well. Healthy folks don’t attach to the people that we have. We are somehow connected. My connection to my abusive exes is through my FOO. They were abusive pieces of s**t. It’s what I know. It’s what I’m wired to do. I’m having none of it. The cycle stops with me.

What do you think draws you to stay when you know you should leave?  Have you looked inside yet? Where are you, with you, Pencil sketch?

well I think i might just have to make a hat from tin foil for this solar storm. because I was doing quite good 6 months NC and largely forgot about her until last week some buried feelings started to surface up.

keep yourself really busy is what helped me. For the first 2 months, even being really busy at work and making new friends was a great distraction, I still had her in my thoughts for a big portion of the day, or after work or my days off. I started to relax a lot and rebuild my strength. After about month 3 the worst of it all was over and the rate of getting better I am surprised at when I think back to how ill I had became but just lived from day to day as if it was the film ground hog day.

I feel that my body got addicted to some kind of adrenaline rush from the chaos she could create, I would then get drained from it all and then wait for her to give me the next shot. yes our bodies will still survive even enjoy that sort of rush, but in the long term it will grind you down slowly. what made things more difficult for me was that she bad mouthed me to all my friends I had, so I ended up very much alone and she stalked me to see what I was up to. I had to start from scratch which I did in a short space of time.

Im now really happy with my life and just have the odd day here and there where I need to come to these boards and get some friendly support. So be strong and weeks will turn to months then will turn to years. she stalked me on her birthday and that was a tricky time for me emotionally, I really felt maybe I should just send a card. i ended up buying a "lets celebrate the witch is gone" cake instead.

so keep yourself busy and get through the solar storm, things get easier with time.  |iiii

Thanks for you're replies.
As usual, they are helpful, and give me food for thought.
I think I know, there is no way back, so I can't just send her a quick message, to calm the storm within, and give me my 'fix
( I fact, I am in a favourable position, she has no way of contacting me, so any repercussions from further contact, lies squarely with me)
I do have issues from way back, which I am delving into deeper, with the help of my therapist, in a nutshell, I am looking for the validation I didn't receive from my mother, through her. I don't want a relationship with her, what I would love most, is for her to say, she treated me badly, and she is sorry, sounds so simplistic, and impossible at the same time.
We are working on that.
I can also relate to the addiction part of it, the amazing highs, and soul crushing lows, as exhausting as it sounds, is addictive, and it's as if my brain is trying to recreate the chaos, by raking up the past, and putting me through it again.
It all makes sense, and I know it's a long convoluted road, to get to the other side.
It just hurts, she doesn't remember any of then good times, and it makes me remembering them, very painful.
She turned me inside Out, but I still miss her.
Thanks for your support.

JNChell is right on with this.  One of the biggest steps I took a year ago after a previous discard, the one before this last discard by my uBPDw, was seriously taking a look at what was going on inside of me that kept me in what I call an "unholy dance" with her disorder (not with her... .the person she is, I love.  The destructive disorder she has is destructive to me).  I began going to therapy, mainly to find a way to emotionally cope with the discard and understand why it was so hard for me to let go of something unhealthy for me.  But, it only took two sessions for my T to start asking questions about me and my background.  She recognized the codependent "rescuer" that I tended to be because of my own background and family.  She recognized that there was something going on in me that made me the perfect target for my uBPDw's disorder.  So, I had started the self-evaluation a while ago... .even as I was still dancing and even as I was watching the cycle repeat.  And the result was this... .because of that process, when I started to see the signs of another repeat of the devaluation and discard cycle two months before she discarded, I reacted differently.  Instead of becoming emotionally reactive, I was able to detach from her behavior and set boundaries (not ALL of the time... .but MOST of the time) as she repeated the cycle.  I was able to see her behavior as what it was... .an emotional disorder.  Did that make her abusive words hurt any less?  No.  Did it make her manipulation, deflection, projection, gaslighting, deception and trampling of my boundaries any less hurtful and confusing?  No.  Did it make the final discard any less than utterly crushing for me?  No.  But, what it DID do is allow me to begin to see that I WAS CAPABLE of detaching from her behavior, I WAS CAPABLE of setting healthy boundaries based upon my own values and principles in order to retain some sense of self-respect.  And it allowed me to mentally/cognitively PREPARE MYSELF for what I knew was probably coming... .another discard.  This last time, I told myself... .PROMISED myself, that if she discarded again, it would be the last time she would discard.  Instead of being 100% reactive to her cycle, I became 50% reactive and 50% self-preserving.  It didn't make the discard and ultimate no contact and detachment any easier.  But, it DID make the time that I spent doing the "enmeshment chase" dance with her shorter.  And, it has made my healing process faster.  Look inside of yourself.  You have your own areas where you have been wounded and, by no fault of your own, are broken.  We all are wounded and broken in some way, shape or form - every human being on this Earth is.  So, that doesn't not make you flawed.  It makes you HUMAN.  But, my uBPDw is wounded and broken in ways that disrupt her life and causes severe mental and emotional damage to those closest to her.  That's the difference.  We're all wounded and broken is SOME way.  But, those with BPD are wounded and broken in a very deep way emotionally, to the extent that it literally keeps them from admitting and taking ownership of their brokenness.  At least, that's my experience with my wife.  She's in denial about her own brokenness  She sees it as "just the way she is".  She's even told me, "I told you that I was hard to deal with before we got married."  As if it's MY FAULT that I chose to marry her anyway and MY FAULT that somehow, I'm too weak to make a relationship work with her, even though her disorder is cause of 95% of the problems in our relationship.  That's the mentality.  Unless they become self-aware and take ownership, they won't change.  They just see it as "how they are wired" or "how they are".  And the only thing YOU can do is take care of YOU, heal YOU, evaluate YOU, strengthen and rediscover YOU.  And, in my own experience, the only way you can truly begin to do that is if YOU CHOOSE to stop the "unholy dance", YOU CHOOSE to go no contact, YOU CHOOSE to detach for your own protection and YOU CHOOSE to heal not only from the damage the relationship caused you, but also from the wounding and brokenness that existed inside of you that made you the perfect target for your SO's disorder when you first met.  For me, I was in a very vulnerable state when I met my uBPDw.  When I met her 12 years ago, I had gone through a very brutal divorce that had severely damaged me.  I felt lonely and unlovable.  And, I have since come to understand that because of my family dynamics and upbringing, I tend to be a "rescuer", I have a tendency to form co-dependent relationship with disordered partners and I have a tendency toward addictive love relationships.  What was your emotional state at the time you met your SO?  Do you recognize anything within yourself that may have made you vulnerable to enmeshment with this person?  Is there a connection to anything in your past, such as family relationships and family dynamics that could have contributed to that vulnerability?  These are all the questions I had to explore to better understand why I was so vulnerable to my wife's disorder and why I kept up the "unholy dance" for 12 long, destructive years.  Be strong.  Be good to yourself.  Focus on YOU.  And remember, don't be hard on yourself.  Detachment is a process.  You're not always going to feel strong.  That's NORMAL.  If  you falter, don't beat yourself up.  Keep us updated.  This board is invaluable in understanding and relating to others who understand what you're going through and can help encourage you with their own stories and witness. 

PD

Thanks for you're replies.
I guess it's just another stage I have to work through, I hate that she is just carrying on with her life, dust herself Off, 'sorry I drunk text You, it was a mistake, now leave me alone'
I suppose I am still trying to get my head around how Someone could be so cruel.
I know the part I played in this, and am working with a therapist to address these issues.
As you both say, it's a process, and I am feeling all the feelings, have never cried so much, but in reality, the tears have always been there, just never had the opportunity to let them go.

We’re right here with you, Pencil Sketch. Let me express to you just how important your presence on this board is to all of us here. Your story and your courage to share it helps us all. Your presence here helps me to not feel so alone in my own personal struggle with this. It will get better, and it will take time and hard work on our part. I know there is a lot of pain and confusion on this board, but there is also a lot of hope and healing here. Many of the people here have healed, and they chose to stick around to help the rest of us. That means a lot to me. You’re in a good place here. I’m looking forward to seeing more of you on the board. Hang in there, friend.  :)

I hate that she is just carrying on with her life, dust herself Off, 'sorry I drunk text You, it was a mistake, now leave me alone'

It really does boggle the mind, doesn't it?

The only way I can describe it is that they just shut off the part of themselves that had been devoted to us, and then it's as though we never existed for them in the first place. I don't see it as an act of evil against us, but rather a childlike lack of object constancy where they don't realize you're actually still there even though they don't want to see you anymore.

Given this, I would not take it personally, if I were you. She has severely compromised coping skills and knows not what she does.

J

I can rationalise everything you say, it's taking a while for it to sink in. I have been in a suspended state of anxiety, for so long now, I can't remember what it feels like, not to feel broken. Depression has unpacked it's bags, I just feel empty.
One day at a time.

I know of what you speak. This was more a chronic case for me from the sudden up and leaving of my first ex.

I could not believe she could just discard me and the life we had shared for 10 years just like that... .no answers as to why, no previous warning, no opportunity to work as a team to resolve anything. She just said she couldn't live like this anymore and up and left. Other than one desperate attempt on my part to fix things and the occasional divorce proceeding, I never saw her again.

My current STBx was just a slow descent into oblivion.

The "good" thing about a situation like what you're going through is that it's the proverbial forest fire that will make your future growth better and healthier than ever.

I am sorry you're hurting so much, but just hang in there. It does get easier and better on the other side.

J
 

one day at a time. exactly! wise words.

at 2 weeks it is early days yet, but important ones. the first month was very challenging for me. but when I hit a hard day I kept telling myself, just keep going until lunch time, then at lunch time, keep going until bed time.

eventually my sleep got better, my health got better and I became even more stronger to deal with it. looking back I was manipulated not just because I was emotionally connected to her but because I was grinded down by the endless drama, stress and sleep deprived.

still at 6 months although im going from strength to strength, the fact that I still get some residual ptsd and see her ghost here and there, is just proof to me at how unhealthily intense the relationship had became.

it wont seem like much is happening at first, but eventually your progress becomes exponential.

the drunk text was no mistake. if there is anything I learned about mine everything was very well calculated. they dont have to work on trying to manipulate, it has became integrated into their personality.

dont assume too much that youve been casted away, got on with their lives and dont care if they have lost you. From what Ive seen, they do very much care about being abandoned when they have done wrong. they may deny it to themselves, but they know deep down that they have caused hurt and drove away good people from their lives. this is partly why I feel they have big issues at constantly needing a person in their life to distract them from quiet time where they would have to think of these things. alcohol abuse, substance misuse, or any kind of drama and chaos making are all outlets to both relieve their depression and distract them from having to think about these things.

thing is, at least we are doing this, going through the pain and will learn from our experiences. my ex just continually repeats the same behaviour with each new person she meets in an endless cycle.

at least I feel despite it all, i am evolving in some way to develop some pretty solid coping skills that will be useful for the future.

"adapt and overcome" pencil my friend.

This group, has saved me.
Mainly, by putting my faith back, into people.
I don't want to come out the other side, like her, and so many others, bitter and resentful, that would make my time with her a waste.
I have this haven, a place of peace and understanding.
What do they have?

I probably should have added that my first ex up and left me to have an affair with her boss, and in the process lost me, lost him, lost her job, and lost the divorce case in which she filed under cruel and inhuman treatment.

What does she have?

Not me. Which is the biggest loss for her and will a big loss for my STBx, though not her biggest. That she will probably leave for the person she referred to as the love of her life to my face.

J

I just have to let you know how you made me laugh out loud for this. So thank you. It made my day:-)

So glad to hear your spirits are kept up - these small little acts of defiance can seem immature, I found them invaluable as a way of detaching emotionally.

It was a nice cake too, marbled lemon with condensed milk topped. very rich, I comforted it down with coffee and I cant recall how many cigarettes that night, kept the lights off,

always listen to the gut instinct - she turned up, at least I was prepared for it.

I wonder if the choice of lemon was subconcious bitterness? haha

Anyway, not long to go and its a year apart, so you guessed it, another celebrate-with-cake excuse! 

Not sure what type yet, im thinking something I can load as much alcohol as possible into, something Jamaica rum or beer cake style. gotta celebrate these milestones right? 

PS, listen to these smart people who went thru the same/similar hurt. If these responses resonate (i.e. make sense) then what they're telling you must feel right. Why contact this person that hurt you in the first place, isn't love something that makes us feel GOOD, WONDERFUL, HAPPY? This was someone who thru the kitchen sink at you, the "love bombing" (look it up) was awesome, like a dug actually, prob is it wasn't real. It was the lure, the bait to hook all of us in our respective toxic relationships. Know from all of us you WILL get thru this, don't let her pull you back in, she'll only due the same thing again and again and again and each time it get's worse and the discard gets shorter. Anyone disagree that's been thru one of these?

I agree fully and yes, what I thought at first was hurtful, but not bad enough to leave - it got worse as time went on, not better.

The problem in these relationships is the intermix between reward and punishment in emotion. Yes a lot of hurt gets caused, but its not on a consistent basis - my ex could equally behave in a way that made me feel good - wonderful - happy, and this was the reward side of tolerating the rest.

I think chasing this reward as much as hoping that the punishment side somehow just disappears each time is what lures a lot of us back each time.

i'm really glad this thread from March has gotten bumped. this really resonates with me right now.  i haven't posted much to these boards, but i've been steadily reading since i first found them.
i broke up with my uBPDbf July 18, and he moved out Aug 1 (he didn't actually leave by that date even though i was extremely firm about that deadline, of course, it had to get ugly before he would hand over the keys a few days later) we have been NC for a little more than a week, and he is currently out of town, so that helps a lot.

but i'm really struggling. so much anger and resentment keep bubbling to the surface. so many things that i thought didn't bother me are now really REALLY bothering me. i'm keeping a journal, and a list of things that i'm mad about. that helps, to write it down, spell it out, read it back to myself, and let it go! or at least try to let it go.