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I imagined a comforting dream that I fell in love with someone who was deeply troubled, but with all my care, kindness, trust and respect that I gave, there would be no excuse for not having a picture perfect ending. Yet nature took its own course.

One of her multitudes of cryptic messages (she was a complete coward) to me was "oh i sure have got some story to tell". (said to me when she implied how smart she was at cheating on me, and giving an impression of power of hurting me). I never reacted ever to these, but heres the title of your story from being with her

cocaine whore

a succint, factual, crystal clear diagnosis.

it might not be in the official diagnostic manual, but its good enough for me.

No need to get my mind anymore in a maze or a spin trying to over complicate. So thats it all over then. I skinned the chameleon from what it tried so hard to disguise. what I believe now it really wanted was for me to go down and join her in her sad life. as they say, and its true "misery loves company".

to summarise the book, the hero who was betrayed by a temptress he fell in love with, who turns out to be a witch who put a spell on him. despite being mortally wounded, kills her, kills off her army of monkeys, shrugs it all off as just another days work, he rides alone into the sunset back to his village and family who rejoice his return. after some time help to replenesh his health, hes finally back and looks forward to the next rescue adventure. or perhaps for the sequel, just "adventure".

I dont know what the title of your books would be, but I hope that you are the one, at least writing the ending, not them. regardless of how it started or what happened in between.

thanks to you all for being part of that village I returned to.

2017: A Space Odyssey

She'd be the Hal character who makes everything seem peachy keen, then all of the sudden chooses to go rogue when she gets wind that there's concern she's malfuntioning and shifts into self preservation mode by killing everything in her wake.

Daisy, Daisy... .

J

“What Did I Do?” be my title.

I feel that’s the phrase I uttered more than anything else after she would rage in the cyclonic year I spent with her.

It’s your fault edition 1 of 50

BPD and non-BPD: 2 sides of the same coin. That would be the title of my book.

Ok I get it you don’t want over complicate things with technical manuals you want to hang on to fantasy tales  There’s a reason why we ask members to read about BPD and to pass on that information it’s a huge part of healing.

How would your book end? I’ll share my book ending with you. I recall the day that my exuBPDw left the house was empty the kids were gone I closed their room doors because I couldn’t look st their empty rooms. I felt like I was backed into a corner this was the single difficult thing that I’ve gone through. I still didn’t know about what BPD was at that moment but I swore that I’ll find the answer and i refuse to lose I will come back but get back st her but come back in a way that things won’t be taken away from me a second time around because I was too complacent.

If it weren’t for accredited medical information I think that I’d still be attached and suffering today. Learning about BPD helped with depersonalizing the behavior and how to react or no react by understanding the reasons why she acts the way that she acts. I did things one way for seven and a half years with her that didn’t work out so I needed to change the strategy.

Also by learning about her I learned about myself. Please keep in mind that everyone is different, met their  pwBPD for different reasons and have different backgrounds. I was ill for years and didn’t know it I had a lot of problems before I met her that have nothing to do with her because she wasn’t there. I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety for years I kept it to myself because of how I was taught. My dad is mentally ill and he doesn’t take care of himself he refuses to talk about emotions he stuffs everything in that was the way that i dealt with everything I didn’t trust anyone. I thought if I told a doctor about how I felt I’d be thrown into a mental hospital.

The ending of my book goes like this I became the strongest and best version of myself that I still work on day to day. Getting help for my mental illness gave me my life back, I’m not avoiding certain things because I don’t have a panic attack your quality of life suffers, you r/s’s suffers, I didn’t take opportunities because of my self esteem and I was too occupied with fighting my inner battles. I feel like I was given a second chance by looking at myself honestly and realizing that I wasn’t taking care of myself and a part of that was taking care of my anxiety disorder. I’m glad that it happened now rather than later that’s a part of the gift of the borderline.

So Cromwell what’s the ending of your book? What’s the last chapter like?

My book would be titled " 50 + 1 ways to leave your lover"
A heartbreaking story about two lovers who moved heaven and earth to be together.
Two lovers from two different continents who fought a batlle against international law, immigration services, custody issues, addiction, health problems and they never gave up.
11 chapters, 1 chapter for every year.
Chapter 10 last sentence " they hugged eachother before they fell a sleep, they finally made it. All problems solved. Chemotherapy worked out well. A happy married couple. Lets visit your family in USA soon he said, she smiled and they closed their eyes"

Chapter 11. ( full text)
While he served her some coffee  the next morning he said "I am so proud of you" and gave her a big hug, "lets do this better this evening" he continued. She smiled mysteriously as always. A kiss, a hug and he went to work.
Honey , i am home! Inspired by her mysterious smile he had left his work earlier.

He found a note on the table, it said "I am leaving you, thank you for everything" and he never ever heard from her or saw her ever again.

Hi, I was very ill already when I met her, but that was more situational stress at the time. If I would have met someone like her in the past (and looking back I think I did dodge a BPD bullet when I was in my teenage years), I would have done the same as I did with my younger more stronger self, I just wouldnt touch these kinds of people with a barge pole at the first red flag.

My ex was 15 years younger than me, highly attractive and made me feel good that I was able to "care" for someone so vulnerable at a time when I myself was in such a bad situation.


Yes you are right, as I learned more about the condition I started to gain more insight, empathy and understanding. I do see her as a very sick person rather than an evil one, however, at the same time;

BPD is not a "get out of jail free card", where you have a licence to do whatever selfish, reckless, sadistic actions that hurt other people, then sit back and say "oh well, its cause im the ill one/victime I did all these things"

I have spoken with a psychiatric nurse and have been told that, regardless of personality disorder, the person knows what they are doing and have self control.

she was not possessed by some psychic force at the time she intentionally cheated on me, came back to keep exploiting me because it never worked out so well as she had hoped.

coming to these boards has helped me to realise that I did quite well I feel in the big picture. Its not that I was dealing with "BPD lite version", its a case that despite it all, she never met a fundamentally weak personality, she met a strong person during a vulnerable time when I was under a lot of drug use that impaired my decision making. There were many times that she had the abillity to put me at ease and comfort me like no one id ever met before. this was the dangerous spell-bindingness of it all. if that part of who she was would have remained constant, she would have been the perfect partner.

was it real or just some good acting skills. I cant ever say for sure, but regardless its over and the less I think of her the better. just like my fantasy story, I killed her off emotionally and physically, she could be just as good as dead for all it wouldnt make any difference.

If my uBPDxbf was a book, the title would be Human Tire Fire: An Inextinguishable Burn of Toxic Ash and Smoke.

"LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING'

You can extend that to any mental illness it’s not an excuse because you’re obligated to take care of yourself and to take care of your mental illness.

BPD is a persecution complex where the person truly believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others. To you and I it’s hard to wrap your head around that because we don’t think like that but is the nature of the disorder. Be aware of triangles and remain neutral to minimize drama and depersonalize her behaviours, it’s something that she’s going through it’s not personal to us.


If I turn the telescope the other way around my behavior when my depression is really bad feels toxic to others I can’t control the chemicals in my brain if I’m not on meds, I take 300 mg of Wellbutrin the maximum dosage and there might be a day where they’re no longer affective.

Think of it this way most pwBPD have an underlying clinical depression many of the members in this board are depressive Im just using this as an example so that it’s relatable. I’m currently in a r/s with a non and if I have a depressive episode where I have a difficult time functioning, my mind is filled with negative thoughts, catastrophic thinking, hyper vigilance, anxiety that’s a lot going on internally that’s going to impair my awareness of others I’m not functioning at 100% If I’m not constantly putting myself in my gf’s shoes and thinking about what age needs / how my actions affect her is it going to feel reciprocal to her or is it going to feel toxic? I can keep depression under control with meds, exercise, taking care of myself what if I didn’t know that I was depressed or I was in denial?

That’s just my opinion and it doesn’t that it’s absolute truth you have to cultivate many opinions. I’m sure that your nurse friend is very professional and experienced but it’s just her opinion.


I’m not familiar with your backstory did you take her back after she cheated on you?

As I said earlier that all of our stories are different and a pwBPD sometimes come I to our lives when we’re going through a life event, sick depressed etc and I completely understand how you feel strong like an ox and a pwBPD can make you feel weak. I thought that I was strong and experienced everything that I could until I met her. It’s a lot of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy.

I just want you and other members to know that you can get back to your old self and maybe even be stronger than before you met your pwBPD but splitting a pwBPD black isn’t going to help you get there it’s going to keep you attached to her.

"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest "   Just kidding!   :)

LJ

Thanks Mutt for your wisdom there i have taken it on board.

I know what you are saying about BPD and the link to depression. My ex was not diagnosed with any mental illness just the PD. As far as i know PD does not necessarily = mental illness, although often the two do go together due to the ways the disorder affects important ways of how that person relates with others, not just relationships but work environments and so on.

I tend to paint her black now and again as a temporary anger release, it is working far better than when I was with her, ignored all the put-downs and emotional abuse so not to ruin my own sense of happiness. In short, I knew she wasn't mentally with it, although often together she would seem to come across as a bright, normal, kind natured person. It is difficult for me to be able (since reading others input about their manipulation and acting abilities) but my own insight is that she did have times where she would have an almost constant paranoid level of trust which she would paint broadly across everyone, tarring me as well, who only wanted what is best for her.

Well there is an old saying "we hurt those who love us the most". If it wasnt for the (at least pretend) cheating she may or may not have 100% done against me, she made out to me in a circular way that was common with her when she wanted to be combative that she had. It was actually harder for me to deal with than to know for sure, because I would have been devastated still, but drawn a line straight away under the relationship and moved on. As she no doubt knew this and couldnt handle being abandoned by me, she spent a few weeks being almost like the honeymoon period all over again with me but then things just dragged on and got worse.

Ive never met a kind of person that could have a perfect day with, then just as the sun starts to go down, will guaranteed come out with something to ruin the entire thing. Its like the more happy the day was going, the more she couldnt handle it, or me.

Anyway Mutt thanks for listening ive ran out of steam for now, and thanks for your wisdom on it all, has helped me a great deal to see what others have been through.