BPDFamily.com

I would like to hear your strategies and techniques for having successful iterations with your BPD.

Hi there!

Here's a few things that have helped me deal with my BPD mom:

• Meet in a neutral location and set boundaries when it comes to things like loans or gifts. I don't want to feel trapped or indebted to her. She may start out with the best intentions, to support me or to get me something really nice to make me feel special, but it will always come back to bite me in the @$$.
• Make a list of boundaries that cannot be crossed before you interact with them. Example: Yelling. If they begin to yell, ask them not to yell. Tell them that if they continue yelling, you will leave (or hang up). If they stop, great. If they continue, leave (or hang up). It may seem harsh, but you need to protect yourself and they need to know that disrespecting you is not acceptable.
• Praise. This one may surprise some of you, but I make a point of letting my mom know when she's done something that I admire, or that meant a lot to me, or that impressed me. The first time I did this she seemed absolutely shocked when I told her I was proud of her. That's all they want, to be loved and appreciated by the ones they care about. They have a funny way of showing it sometimes... .but deep down they are just fragile beings desperately seeking love.
• Which brings me to my next and last point: Pretend the person is a toddler. I'm not saying patronize them or baby them, because that's just infuriating. Emotionally, this person is at the level of a toddler, but they have the knowledge and power of an adult which means they can inflict a lot more damage. So, if a toddler were to yell at you and say they hate you because you didn't let them have a cookie, would you give in to their demands? No, because then they would learn that treating others badly gets them what they want. Yould you yell back at them that you hate them too and that this whole situation is their fault? No, because they don't understand that and all that does is make them get defensive or aggressive. So, what do you do? You say: "No, you cannot have this cookie, we are having dinner in a minute. However, you may have one after if you are still hungry."  With my mom, it could be: "No, mom, I can't drop all my long-standing plans with my dad to come visit you this weekend. However, I am happy to plan a visit for another time." Compromise. Offer them something that you can manage, and they can take it or leave it.

I like phantwowlitters suggestions. I’ve used the first one so that it puts my exuBPDw in check she’s not likely going to act out in s public place plus most places have cameras. I also think about my exuBPDw as a toddler when I discover d about BPD my youngest was a toddler I could see similarities with flailing against my boundaries and tantrums he’s 6 now and he’s already surpassed his mom with emotional maturity.

Id like to add that the person doesn’t assume the role of of their mental illness their mental illness doesn’t define who they are but it’s uber important to have strong boundaries and like phantwowlitters that if might sound harsh or you light feel guilty but if you don’t set limits a pwBPD will roll over you.

Another one that’s important is to not JADE if my exuBPDw is convinced that the sky is red I don’t JADE with her anymore reality is open to debate emotions and feelings are real. I know what my reality is and I don’t have to waste my time and energy with trying to convince her hers is wrong let her believe what she wants I know my truth.

I totally agree about JADE. I and have been doing this exact thing with my sister for a very long time. I'm new on here and didn't realize there was a name for this until I read your post! It has worked me several times. One of my situations:  If my sister and I would have small chit chat on the phone about the weather (we live in different states), and I say it is cold where I live she then would go on and on about how I don't mind the cold and that she is so surprised about my description of the weather because she knows I'm not telling the truth about the weather! We have a lot snow but she is surprised that I'm saying that because she knows we really don't have a lot of snow! Head spinning at the least! At one time I would try to explain that I hate the cold and we really Do Have a lot of snow but so save myself exhaustion I just let her go on about her version of my weather.  This is only just 15 minutes of my lifetime with her!