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I love my wife with all of my heart.  Always have, always will.  It is getting hard to get along now though.  15 years together and I have walked on eggshells most of our relationship.  I am stubborn and I know it, but I have fought to keep my wife happy and its never really worked.  I am seeing a counselor by my wifes request and in 6 months I have figured out that my wife has BP traits at the least.  I realize that I havent helped all these years because I have defended myself for years from her accusations of things from "giving a dirty look" to hundreds of infidelity claims none of which were true.  I am learning that by defending myself she has seen it as an admission of guilt on an emotional level when instead I should validate her feeling about it rather then the fact of it not being true.  This is going to be hard.  I just know that for so many years I have loved my wife wholeheartedly but so frequently I have asked myself, ___ did I do?

Hi WDD,

 

Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can read the distress and frustration in your post. Im glad that you decided to join us to answer your question about what you did a lot of it is your pwBPD’s insecurities projected on you when you don’t know what’s going on it can wreck your self esteem. Read as much as you can about the disorder I know that it’s going to be hard it would be harder going through it alone.

I’d like to address what you said about not being helpful don’t be hard on yourself only a professional can diagnose a mental illness.

Hi WDD and joining Mutt in welcoming you to the board.

I also sense a lot of judgement and frustration. I want to strongly second Mutt's suggestion not to be hard on yourself. I think most of us face a period of anger at ourselves for letting the situation get to where it has and not knowing better. I certainly did and and still do to a degree. Understanding and forgiving yourself can be the first step in gaining clarity on the situation. And only after you've gained some clarity can you begin to make change.

Sharing this video with you about self-compassion that made a huge difference for me in this regard:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4&t=1s

Could you describe some of the BP traits you see in your wife?

Yrs,
~ROE

Anger.  Anger for the most seemingly insignificant things.  If I say something or do something she takes out of context (frequently when it is not related to anything relevant) she will go into a barrage of accusations, tears, self deprecation, threats, and when it is all over, she will get mad at me again because I will call out things she said that she claims she didnt say, as well as tell me things that I said that I didnt.  It is maddening.  Its like dealing with 2 different people. 

We have both worked for many years in the mental health field so there is still a huge stigma about BPD.  She knows she "used to have traits" but she feels she no longer does and gets VERY angry if it gets brought up and things get ugly.  I havent mentioned it in years but I am still accused of calling her boarderline when she does it herself.  It wasnt until recently in my own therapy session (she gave me an ultimatum to go to therapy for "my problems" and again 2 weeks ago in a marriage counseling session that my eyes were opened to see that BPD has inflicted my life for the last 15 years and I didnt really know it.  I was suggested to read Stop Walking On Eggshells and its like the book was written about my life.  In our last marriage session she told me I have been more mean then I ever have been.  Since reading the book, I have set firm limits on not accepting responsibility for things that I am not guilty of.  Previously I felt it was in my best interest to accept it just to avoid the 3-5 days of hell in my house.  No more.  I love my wife enough to take my life back and help her too.  This is going to be a long road but I love her.  Always. 

Sorry for the late reply, I dont really know how to use message boards yet.  Ill learn. 

I would like to commend you for what you are doing.  Sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of whats happening but it's not scaring you off.

I really hope that this helps your relationship.  Please continue to share with us as you go.