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It’s a bad habit I’m trying to break when he bring up the
“If only “ statements about the course of events he’s not happy about.

They drive me nuts!
I find it such a waste of energy to continually dwell on how the past could of gone.
We all say if only that had/hadn’t happened but move on to deal with the present.
He is always stuck on the if only loop and rarely comes to deal with the present on his own. And only after a long fight which I’m trying to end.
But I was caught off guard and cut him off.  Grrr
This is the text I got today

It's really a bad inherited trait . But it's also what you say you do.  You warned me so in the end it's my own fault.

You bulldozed me and buried anything I had to say. It really makes me want to give up being an individual. It really makes me feel pointless and no point wasting my breath on anything. My words don't matter unless they are asked for. Even then there's maybe a 50/50 chance they won't be bulldozed.

I know I'm not the valuable one cuz the kids are at the top. But Last night really confirms to me that I'm not a valuable part in the house at all, even though I'm getting the ___ end of the stick most times I could still feel important and valuable and heard.

How to I reply to this mindfully

Thanks for helping me change my spots :)

Hi Feisty.

Wiggling your way out of the doghouse can be tricky.

Your reply could be a version of:

"I read your text. [Insert apology with wording you know will be effective.] I should not interrupt you and I'll keep trying not to."

That means you would be including an acknowledgment, an apology and a verbal dedication to self improvement. I'm basing this off of what has worked for me... .in old relationships and this current one with a BPD partner.

Have you thought about the deep-down reason why you interrupt him? Realizing the exact reason why I do it is what helped me stop.

-ngu

ngu
Thank you for the reply
I was working on wording similar to that but was having trouble leaving off an excuse or explanation to why I did it.
It just feels unfinished like that but knew that would have been a no no

I do know why I do it and it’s a fight response because every mistake I’ve ever made gets brought up at one point or another. He never lets me forget any of it.
Tho I have to overlook all the ___ he pulls ... .ya I’m pretty angry these days. 
The more I read and learn new behaviours and he keeps up his old stuff the angrier I get.
I know it will settle in me at one point. At least that’s what my therapist tells me
But the yo-yo of I hate you.  Please cuddle I’m sad is wearing on me these days

Thanks again

Please tell me you just got a new screen name. I'd hate to think I made a mistake as large as that.


You live in an upside-down world in that way. Contradictions. And a logic that's 180 degrees from logical. So how do you overcome the urge to take offense to that?

Maybe realize this: They are sounds coming out of the mouth of someone who is living with that upside down mind. And this person wants to be heard... .with that upside-down logic. Maybe those sounds could also be "ooffa abalaba rrgnth." It doesn't have to make sense. He's saying them, and instead of you hearing them, you're shutting him down, and he's getting upset.

One of your jobs, having a pwBPD, is to understand what "ooffa abalaba rrgnth" means and why he's saying it. And then how to respond to it. If that isn't difficult enough, he's not going to give you any clues.



Obviously this is maddening to you. Well, because would probably be maddening to anyone. (Yes, it's maddening for me too.) Maybe even unfair. That said, I'd like to reword what you wrote.

"I do know why I do it. I get angry because he says ooffa abalaba rrgnth."

Treat them as strung-together nonsensical syllables if that helps you.

He wants to be heard, you get angry and shut him down over syllables, which he just said or might not even have said yet, he gets angry because your response is not what he wants, and there's a mess. What's the end result?

A viscous cycle. And he might get one more thing to hold against you in the next argument. You're getting played. And the illogical one is winning. But it doesn't have to be that way. Because if you win, you both end up winning. With an improved relationship.

One more thing. People with PBD are good at pushing buttons. It's like their clarity amidst the chaos. This is from "Stop Walking on Eggshells."


So they can be illogical. And mean.

But here's the important part. It's unintentionally illogical and mean. In their moments of clarity, people with BPD can realize what they did. It's beside the point right now that their guilt over doing it can magnify their symptoms. This is to show that it's illogical. Just syllables.

You are the person who will need to play the role of the logical one. And you have a choice to make. Whether it's during the reply to him that you originally posted about, or something he does out of the blue, you can choose not to talk for second. Yeah, even if you apologize during your reply, you're going to get clobbered again. Be ready to not talk then, too. Use that time to listen to him and slowly... .carefully... .say something that isn't a defense or accusation. And trust me, most of what you'll really want to say will be a defense or accusation.

Soon, you'll get better at wording your responses correctly, on the fly, in the heat of the moment. Maybe it's just a nod instead of words.

Once you start getting it right, it starts to get fascinating. And adding to your win column is awesome. But you're not winning for you. You're winning for both of you.

-ngu

Yes I did change my screen name because if he ever finds this place he will pick my old one out of a haystack. And I would
Hate for hm to see my complaining ect to “the world”

I really appreciate the advice and you are correct
And I find it interesting that you mentioned how fascinating it can be when you start getting the wording down. I totally see that
Already it’s been so
Interesting to see some of the techniques I have done mostly right to be responded to as the literature predicted.  So I’m
Game for finding the right pieces to the puzzle

These last few weeks have been high intensity as I also have my two teenage daughters struggling with there own mental health issues so I’m stretched pretty thin.
So thank you for being the voice of logic I needed to hear.
It’s similar to the self talk I normally give myself but it’s oretty chaotic in my brain these days.
I really appreciate your time. Thanks again

I've deleted three replies to this. Not in a great place right now for stringing together multi-syllable words. Like "cognitions." Maybe an easy version.

Garbage in, garbage out.

You get bombarded with sad/bad/stressful things. And you can easily end up with a similar mood. Once you have that negative mood, your world is painted that way; twisted and distorted so even nice things become negative.

It's why you can't give yourself the talk right now.

When you're in a better place, mentally juggle this concept for a bit. "Hey, I feel better and I'm not as jaded. Are those linked?" "Hey, I'm not being bombarded by nonsense and the world suddenly isn't as bleak. Are those linked?"

You do this because if you're in this bad place again, and can't give yourself the talk, even the simple fact of remembering this juggling can help. It helps you realize your negative mood is temporary. It can give you more patience to wait it out.

-ngu