BPDFamily.com

    I'm a bit ashamed of this as I broke NC rule for me. I know I should have cut all ties to her but I just had to see it with my own eyes. I've seen her texts with his new guy and it's basically the same conversation she had with me, same tactics, same dialogues,everything... .

  I've been together for 2 years and 6 months. She left me out of the blue and painted me black. She tried at one point to make me crawl back. She gave me a 'window' but I've refused another cycle. A part of me wants her back, hopes that I get the chance for another cycle... maybe things will be different but I know my brain will fight this wish/feeling.

  Back to the subject:
They met recently. As with me, they had sex instantly and started a relation together. The guy received msgs about how she has this feeling that the guy is special, unlike the others before him, how strong this connection is for her and how afraid is that she will get to love him too much and the guy will leave; how he is so special and they share so many things together. All of this combined with some dramas about "him not caring about her anymore" because she was with his brother instead of her. The push and pull over and over again.
  All of this after basically 2 weeks or less of being together.

Seeing all of those msgs felt like a spear trough my heart. I've read a lot about those things... that you are not special to them, that their "love" is just affection and everything, but seeing with my own eyes how they use the same words with their next target is truly painful. I was and am as "special" as the guys before and after me.

  I think the moment where I said stop for her cycle she just moved her full attention to another target.
 Has anyone recycled or received recycle attempts after you've told them you are aware of this manipulation game they are playing?

Hey there Randomuser94,



How do ya do? First let me start off by saying, its okay that you've broken the NC. Don't beat yourself up because you knew in your mind that you should have cut her off but yet perhaps your heart is not ready to do so. Perhaps if i may, how long have you maintained NC before you reconnected with her?

I hope that your recently reconnection with her has not triggered and trauma or past hurts anew. It must be very painful to see someone you had loved, invested time and energy repeat a "pattern" on someone else but you. How you are feeling is valid and it takes time to emotionally detach whatever hopes, dreams and plans you had made while you were in the relationship.

It is indeed as your say, your mind is fighting against your heart which is effectively in a state "confusion" or technically understood as "cognitive dissonance". We as humans are creatures of comfort and habit. Our brain actually goes through a state of shock or cold turkey. While your mind can clearly tell you that this isn't good, your heart which may still well be emotionally attached would do the very opposite thing.

I am sorry to hear about the recent turn of events with your ex, especially the activities which she has so quickly engaged in after your break up. At this point, sometimes one would question if this person had truly loved us. In my own experience, my uBPDexGF had painted me black and systematically blocked me out of her life when i said no to the emotional and verbal abuse, nitpicking of my personality.

The thing is for a person who has been diagnosed having BPD as a condition, the lack of "object constancy" is one of the fundamental issues. "Object constancy" which i quote from psychology today is "Basically, object constancy suggests that, at some point in our early development, humans express the capacity to understand that ‘out of sight' doesn't mean ‘gone'. This is a very important idea, as it is one of the core elements of interpersonal relationship and informs everything from romantic love to jealousy to Borderline Personality Disorder."

The source of reference and citation purpses to the quote above can be found here https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship)

So to answer your question about manipulation or rather "perceived manipulation" to the receiving individual. A recycle attempt happens regardless whether you've made them aware about playing this "manipulation game". I would even go as far as to say that they do not share the same worldview that their actions are considered "manipulative" nor are they actually consciously playing a game, or even playing their own game.

It would be accurate to frame it as such... .that people suffering from BPD tend to seek others as a source of comfort, or the more technical definition would be a source of "Supply" to meet that great need of comfort. I wouldn't say that they are manipulative, rather i see a very wounded and insecure individual who desperate needs to soothe their own individual needs that they would literally do anything... .self harm, reconnecting with exes ( which are a source of familiarity and comfort ), lying etc, ... .not knowing that the very act of doing so can be deem as betrayal or cheating. These actions would seem to us without reasonable doubt at all... .manipulative. But i must say the motivation for their actions are totally different as i have mentioned. 

The attempt at another round of recycle might be for this said purpose. They are easily wounded and need a constant source and supply of comfort to soothe their needs. I hope this little explanation helps.

Spero

Hi Spero, I agree with your post... .I know pwBPD are wired differently and I have to take a compassionate view. I look back at my xbf and still feel that tug on my heartstrings;  I know it's not up to me to change his behavior. He's gotten to his age being exactly as he is. I'm concerned about him but it's his life. I'm not in contact with him. It's all good I guess... .~Chynna

I didn't met or initiated a talk wit her. I've found out about those messages trough someone. She doesn't know that i saw them.
   Regarding our NC-I've implemented full NC a week and 2 days. After 3 days of NC she sent me a msg asking me if I agree to visit the cats because they miss me which I refused. Basically we've been fully NC for a week now

How does going full NC conflicts with this part of BPD if the moment you are out of their sight you are gone from their thought? I've read a lot regarding going full NC once the cycle starts/or ends but how is this helpful for a recycle if the moment you are out the lack of "object constancy" kicks in?

  I just hope to God that i'll heal in time. My brains biggest wish right now is to heal and move on before a recycle happens(if it will even happen, but judging by the looks of it it's completely over). There are times when i feel so vulnerable that I know that i will accept another recyle if she asks for it, and I don't want that.

On one discard, my uBPDxbf replaced me two days later, with some girl he knew from high school that he had been grooming as new supply for some time. He had her call him my nickname for him, he would push her up hills on hikes like he did with me... .that he was replicating these little details I found incredibly disturbing.

After the final discard, he replaced me within days, with a woman seven years older than him (I am six years older than him). She is going through a divorce (I was going through a breakup when he and I met). She is plain looking but well educated, as am I.

Lather rinse repeat... .
Lather rinse repeat... .

I am sorry that you have found out that your ex is treating the next guy the same way she treated you, and you are feeling that maybe the special feelings she had for you, were not so special after all, and she does this with everyone she dates. It is common for people who are extremely narcissistic to thrive on charming others, and then disappear to get that initial infatuation feeling somewhere else. Sometimes this type of person may try to get you back, when they hear you have moved on, as they cannot stand that you have focused your attention elsewhere. It can help to become more aware of what is genuine love, and how it can feel like love when you are in the period of deep attraction. All relationships hit a point where the period of deep attraction is no longer there, and the relationship can become deeper and more loving if the partners have the ability to do. I hope this helps you to realize that although what she is doing hurts deeply, and you are questioning what happened, that you are a person who can have deep and caring relationships, because you are willing to take a look at what did not go well in this past relationship and want to do better next time. Take your time to heal, and let us know how you are doing.

a recycle takes two people that want to give the relationship another go; its not something that can happen to you against your will. i would suggest that if you are open to this, or if your circumstances change, post on the Bettering board, and learn the lessons and tools there. regardless, it can only help.


object constancy differs from object permanence (people with BPD traits struggle with both)

object constancy refers to the the ability to see others as an integrated whole, past, present, future, flaws and positive qualities, as opposed to seeing them based on the latest interaction, and has to do with splitting.

object permanence refers to the ability to understand that even if others are not physically present, they exist. most of us, when we are lonely for example, draw on mental images of the people that we love, and love us, to soothe. people with BPD traits struggle with this. my ex, on a near nightly basis, would get very depressed, feel very empty and alone. no reminders of my love or anyone elses could soothe this.

i have always thought "out of sight out of mind" is an oversimplification, not meant to be taken literally. if it were literal, our partners would forget who we are, and we would never have had a relationship. it is not that someone with BPD traits literally forgets you exist, but they do struggle mightily to recall your existence in a psychological sense.

but NC is not a strategy for reconciling a relationship. it is one tool of many meant to give space in order to grieve and detach from a relationship.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way