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For me, I think it depends on the feeling. For example, if I feel angry, I want to take action, so it’s harder for me to press pause and wait until I feel clearer about how I want to respond.

When I feel sad, I tend to isolate and withdraw. I want space to feel my feelings without bringing others down with me. I have also experienced not so great comforting from others, so maybe I’m trying to avoid that, too... .and generally being too vulnerable in front of others. Geez, lots going on there. 

I’m the kind of person that generally wants to stop everything to tend to my hurts, but others find comfort in distracting themselves. I can see the benefit in that, for awhile. But if it goes longer, aren’t we just avoiding the elephant in the room that would help us grow and find joy again?

What are your thoughts and experiences with this?

heartandwhole

I think I tend to withdraw and avoid more than anything, especially if I am angry, sad, or confused. I'm the type of person that really enjoys debating the finer details of points, and it's not unheard of for people to take offense to that style of conversation, which can also make me feel uncomfortable... .because the other person feels uncomfortable and I don't understand why, because hey, I thought we were just having a friendly debate. Cue the endless loop of potential self doubt and guilt.

I've really had to work on being ok with my opinion and preferences as far as communication are concerned. I like rigor. Some people don't. I think it's fun. Some people react differently. Either way, it's ok for us to react how we do, even if we don't understand it in the moment. Boundaries can be set from there.

That's just one example, but it helps me quite a bit to set the context as a matter of preferences and go from there. Most uncomfortable situations are driven by a failure to communicate properly. That said, we shouldn't modify our style of communication before the interaction even takes place, or after without discussing it, because that's how feelings can get pushed down, which is the opposite of healthy.

Interesting topic !

I don't distract myself when I feel things. I have done that wayyy too long !
When I feel things, I try to analyze it, or use techniques that I learned in therapy. Or when this does not help, I post on here :-) (like my last post, about feeling guilty over feeling angry).

When I feel sad I sometimes go to a website that only publishes positive news.
Or I enumerate things for myself that I am grateful for. That does help a lot sometimes.

I've been seeing a DBT therapist and she recently taught me the excellent skill of distraction for distress tolerance. When something is an 8, 9, or 10/10 on the distress scale, that means I'm in crisis and no amount of problem-solving is going to work. Problem-solving is usually my go to skill for uncomfortable feelings (analyze the problem, look for solutions, talk it out, etc). However, I'm just now learning that I'm a crappy problem solver (everyone is, supposedly) when in crisis. So, distraction has been a really valuable skill for me lately for a lot of the uncomfortable feelings. I used to feel like this was not ok and that I was just avoiding stuff, but as my therapist recently said "these bad things aren't going anywhere" so really, why sit there and stew over super distressing emotions that aren't going to change the situation? When in crisis, I distract. (Which usually means lots of Star Trek and audiobooks)

I used to stew and/or withdraw.

I'm still learning, but I'm starting to accept them and move on.

Example: pwBPD and I had to talk on the phone about taxes. Then he asked me about how I feel about our relationship. I said "broken" -- which is true. I do feel broken, but I'm healing and becoming something new. I didn't tell him at that last part. He said he feels cold. Then came the usual blame game, how I messed up our relationship from beginning to end. Then came the divorce speil. OK, if that's what you want. I'm not moving there, and you're not moving here. So there we are. Goodnight.

I felt uncertain and sad, but this all is nothing new. I accepted it, and then did a few work-related tasks, paid my rent, and took a shower. I'm fine. Truly. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Such a good topic heartandwhole   

Yes! When I feel angry--especially when feeling indignant--I feel I want to jump at it. I think with a more oppressive or constant stimulus, I have to do more to deal with it. E.g., if someone bugs me a lot and constantly--then I'll have to take a 10-20 minute break out of my workplace to settle myself or put a plan together or both. I've been trying to work at being more patient with the whole thing in the last 2 years or so.

With a variety of difficult emotions, getting room to breathe has been a constant caregiver for me.

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lighthouse9,
You are so not alone. A lot of people's go-to is wilfulness. For me, letting things be for a while can be really hard sometimes. I do think a lot of people struggle with that sometimes. It makes sense that the more uncomfortable feelings are more difficult to deal with. And that's okay.

Gosh, so true! I want to share that a senior business person I know got very upset and tried to get violent with other employees. I bounced some ideas off some other seniors and the consensus was that he wasn't very good at the problem solving while in that state. So it might help not to assume everyone has your awareness of emotions or problem solving, even though they seem--for the most part--normal.   :)

Great topic. With any emotion I feel now, I don't distract myself, frantically find a way to avoid it, I have discovered healing comes, when you accept how you feel, embracing them, welcome them, and slowly, so slowly, they are receeding.
My t encouraged me to listen to one of our songs, the one she played to me when I visited, it took me all afternoon, to pluck up the courage to put it on, and I am not ashamed to say, it broke my heart, and I sobbed.
Afterwards, I felt a sense of calm, and put it on again, and just felt nostalgic.
The one emotion I am struggling with however, is resentment, doesn't sit well, so any tips would be welcome.

Great topic.
How I usually deal with uncomfortable feelings depends on the intensity of the discomfort.
A few days, I totally acted out--got into a fight with an iron gate, and amazingly enough--I won. I was really angry that day.
This morning when I discovered I no longer had trash pick-up because my STBX and his father and his lawyer never paid the bill and had forbidden my contacting the CPA, I posted on Facebook. Got support. (And suggestions on what to do with the two dead squirrels in the garbage bins.)
I also will distract. A few weeks ago, to combat the blahs, I watched back-to-back episodes of Mom. Laughing helps.
Most of the time, however, I vent to a friend or my T and then move on to solving the issue that's caused the discomfort.
TMD

Pain can be controlled - you just disconnect it. - Kyle Reese

Oh vey... .I still kind of think like this,  the gift of a borderline childhood.  I'm working to have my kids be far better than me. 
 

About 20 years ago, I suffered a major depression, requiring meds, the whole nine yards, and my FOO recommended that I bathe my troubles in pink light, and that if I meditated on those troubles now bathed in pink light, they'd disappear.
Maybe for some people.
For me, there's no shortcut. In order to feel better, I have to first feel all the s***ty feelings and then move through them.
I raised my kids that way, but I suspect they may still be struggling to find their own way and have not fully embraced the way Mom dealt with her own s**t.
TMD

Great topic, heart!  I'm sorry I haven't read everyone's responses because I am short on time this week but plan to return and read them when I can.

As a woman who has internalized the cultural message that anger is not OK in women (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/magazine/i-used-to-insist-i-didnt-get-angry-not-anymore.html), the emotion I struggle most to deal with is anger.  It's not that I don't feel anger, but I have often felt confused about what to do with anger when I have it.  This is something I'm definitely working on figuring out.  Anger is important for me to feel because it lets me know where my boundaries are.  But I don't like losing control or lashing out.  Some of the things I'm doing now when I feel angry have a somatic component.  Like singing out loud when I am driving, writing what I am feeling down, or simply sitting in a yoga pose (legs up the wall or simple crossed legs), noticing the feeling and letting it happen until it dissipates. 

Hi valet,

And when you withdraw and avoid, what do you do with the feelings? Do you sit alone and feel them, or distract yourself and do something? Or something else?

The problem for me is when I feel sad and can't be alone. I feel like I stuff everything down for later processing, but by then, I can't feel it anymore. I realize we all deal with this—as socialized beings, we don't break down anywhere and anytime—but what I do is look for the fastest opportunity to get away, which has pushed real support from others away from me. Something I think would have been good... .especially since my pattern/belief is that people aren't there for me.

heartandwhole

Fie, gratitude helps so much! I'm glad you mentioned that. I don't think it's possible to remain in a stuck place if we are able to connect with the feeling of gratitude.


MeandThee,

It sounds like you felt the uncomfortable feelings long enough to accept that they were there, then shifted your focus to other things, and that helped. I wonder if the key is to take that moment to truly accept what you are feeling. Many of us just run at the first sign of discomfort, so that the feeling doesn't get a chance to be fully acknowledged?


I'm glad you brought up breathing, gb! It reminds me of what I heard years ago, and which has been my experience as well: "the more you breathe, the more you feel." Yikes! Sometimes that hasn't been what I wanted, but I wouldn't trade mindful breathing for anything. I guess I'd say that I certainly feel alive.  

heartandwhole

Wow, pencil sketch, it sounds like you allowed yourself the full range of your feelings when you listened to that song. And then the feelings dissipated, as they do. I think we often believe that if we embrace a strong feeling, then we are basically saying that we "want it" and it will never go away... .but the exact opposite happens. They only move on when we have the courage to acknowledge and feel them.

As for resentment, would you say the it's linked to anger? To me, resentment is akin to stuck anger—anger that has become a station instead of a stop on the feeling train.  :)  Anger to me is purer, so to speak—raw energy that rises up and dissipates—whereas resentment feels like it's taken up residence. Also, there is probably hurt underneath the resentment that is calling out for acknowledgment. Do you think so?

heartandwhole

Really interesting input, lighthouse9. Your post reminded me of something I learned from Peter Levine, PhD. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223064.0), who talks about titrating when in the throes of very difficult feelings. I think it was developed in the context of therapeutic interventions and trauma therapy, so we are talking about traumatic memories, flashbacks, etc. But I think it is valuable for, as you say, anytime our distress is at a level where we feel we can't be a container anymore for those feelings.

I definitely think there are times when distraction is the best method to deal with feelings, especially in the kinds of situations we've mentioned.

You said you usually go into problem-solving mode. Does that mean you use your intellect to propose strategies to alleviate the emotions? Do you feel them in your body at all? I'm curious as to how that works!

heartandwhole

  I'm glad you won, tmd! I've heard that catharsis can actually worsen the effect of uncomfortable emotions. It sounds like it worked for you, though!

I agree, a good belly laugh is like a healing balm for me.


   Give us your secret strategy, Turkish! I think mindfulness and questioning our thoughts can actually help a lot.


I hear you, Insom. Anger is a feeling that I've often not known what to do with, either. I've gotten better at just letting it do its thing. I am also one of those people who tries to immediately get into my body when uncomfortable feelings rise up. I'm not always successful, but I'm getting better and better. I've been curled in a ball on the floor and just held my knees, breathing slowly. I've put my hand on my chest and/or belly as I heaved in sorrow. Yoga has helped tremendously as well.



Dr. Joan Rosenberg has said that unpleasant feelings usually last about 60-90 seconds. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKy19WzkPxE) Giving ourselves some TLC for a minute and a half doesn't seem like too much to ask for emotional health, does it?

heartandwhole

The absolute worst memories I have I pause them in my mind like a frame. they are vivid, full of colour on that big cinema screen, but no longer playing like a movie ive paused the actors (try to pause them when their faces look ridiculous like an open goldfish mouth).

then that image I will turn in my mind to grey scale, the colours that gave part of that emotional response are all drained out.

then i start mentally folding that image in half, and keep doing it, until it is a small cm by cm sized stamp.

then i visualise discarding it in a bin.

the process of doing this each time sounds silly, but it works for me. I feel like i interrupt the memory each time and the more i do it, the more by brain gets conditioned to automatically do it each time.

i learned this technique from a hypnosis tape.

i try to be mindful. most of the time im especially angry, its hurt... .someone has made me feel small (i might also be speaking more to resentment, as heartandwhole mentioned.). there may be different components, and i try to acknowledge each, but separate them. i try to break up the quick bursts that just build up the emotion. if i can get my mind off of it for longer periods each time, that tends to coincide with progress, more clarity, the emotions losing intensity.

its easy enough for me to press pause in terms of reacting. similar to Insom i dont necessarily trust my anger (at least part of me seems to view anger as bad). when i dont press pause, i tend to either feel regret, or that i overreacted (objectively, i think i have before), or that i didnt convey what i was really trying to convey, and then i kick myself.

i often seek an outside opinion to check me as i try to find a balanced response. i think thats good triangulation, its better than overreacting, but im trying to wean myself off of it.


i do too, and i dont think thats always the unhealthiest response (certainly it can be and we should be mindful about our coping mechanisms). as an introvert, i really relish that space, and as a pretty sensitive person, when im feeling that way, it can be very easy to say the "wrong thing" to me. a bit of recharging and self soothing, and even some healthy distraction goes a long way for me.

Externalizing the feelings... .
I can journal
I can talk with a friend
I can find a way to express them through my body such as singing or dance
(Random shout while in traffic)
Listening to music or watching a movie that seems to express my feeling
Helping/talking to someone else that seems to be experiencing a similar feeling

Distractions... .
Call a friend to get my thoughts out of my head and into a compassionate place for another.
Get out in public interacting with folks helps me also get out of my head
Playing mindless tablet games
Music/tv/sports


Allowing my self to experience the feelings... .
Sitting with them and doing some of the externalizing stuff like journaling or music.
Looking inside myself and seeing if I can conjure up a nurturing image of a self... .then try providing my self what it is seeking.  (This is from internal family systems theory work). So if I am feeling hurt... .I may imagine how I wish someone had treated me and I may imagine getting comforting words or actions instead.  So this can be replaying the distressing event and providing it a more healing ending... .or it may be leaving the ending the way it is and imagining I have the ideal supportive person in my head spending time with me helping me through the moment.
Feeling feelings and just watching them for a bit... .breathing towards them... .having a kind attitude or curious attitude towards them.

Using self care as both a “distraction” and a way to experience the feeling... .
So maybe... .while feeling somewhat sad... .doing something pampering like a special bath

Heart and whole. Nail on the head, this site is so good, other people can articulate my thoughts far better than i can, I spent so much time analysing them, trying to explain them is impossible.
My resentment comes from the same place as everything else, hurt.
Why are we here, in some cases, existing, while they are carrying on with their lives, seemingly unaffected.
I put up with so much, gave so much of myself, and feel cheated, she knows how I feel about her, what I would have done, but she gave me nothing, nothing positive, that I can take away.
I have moments of enlightenment, and it all makes sense, but seem to pay a price, when I am in dispear again.
It's so hard to be rational.

i like my feelings. i've been in the emotionally numb camp for one long stretch before so i would say i have a gratitude for being able to feel anything when i do. for instance, i have no problems feeling sad in a room full of people. they don't know how i feel, and even if they did, who cares! we all feel things

what do you mean when you say you stuff things down for further processing? what does that look like to you? is it driven by your thoughts?

surely we can choose (or have behavioral/thought patterns developed) to remove how we feel from the decision-making process as much as possible. but is it fair to say that we stuff them away? isn't it more accurate to say that we don't consider them as much as we should when making choices? maybe that is the more compassionate way to conceive of the problem

I think what I was trying to express is that I attempt to stop feeling when i don’t have “optimal conditions,” which for me would be at home alone and with time to express whatever may come up/out as a result of feeling my feelings.

But what if, like you, I just let myself feel more (in my body) the emotions in the moment. Not try to stop the emotion. It makes me more vulnerable, I think, which usually makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve had some success with this, but sometimes the expression makes others uncomfortable, and then that snowballs into something else, and them I just wish I was alone again. 

Not sure if I’m expressing this in a way that makes sense, but there is something in there... .it just may be in the background of my awareness.

Thanks for your question, valet— it’s touched on something that I’m going to ponder a bit more.

heart

i think it makes plenty of sense. i can totally relate to the idea that its easy to be self-conscious when other people are around when dealing with emotions. it was an especially big problem when i was with my BPDex. she was the one with the 'big' feelings, and it seemed like an inconvenience to have to feel or express mine when i had to be the caretaker of hers. in other words, i just didn't know how to prioritize my own feelings by accepting that i was going to have them. i guess that's how i would describe the snowball effect that you mention.

good luck with the pondering!