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Hi
The validating feelings part is coming a bit easier for the most part.
But some of the demands he makes while ranting (decisions about my kids or house, both at not his)
I ignore and try to distract and he nails me on both.
I will get “nice subject Chang”
Or accused of ignoring his input (which wasn’t asked for and is really him trying to find a sense of control I think cause it happens when he doesn’t like decisions I’ve made about my kids or house, he lives with us but pays minimal so he can meet his child support commitments with his ex)

So how do I respond to the
Subject change jab
Or pushing for replies to his demands

Thanks again

Hi there ClingTtoHope.

I'm not sure if this helps, but the tools often work differently based on what stage you are in as far as the episode of dysregulation.

Ever see WarGames?  With Matthew Broderick?  There is a scale they use to see how close we are to all-out nuclear war, the Def-Con Scale, from 1-5.  % is the lowest level of conflict, 1 is the highest.  Forgive me, I tend to think and speak in metaphors, often based on movies and books, and it's mentioned in a book I am reading right now. 

BPD has a ":)efCon scale" you can sort of figuring out after some mindful observation - a lot of their actions make a little more, well, not make sense, but are more predictable after some time of watching when a rage happens, what brings one on - is it the time of year?  family or work stress? upcoming travel?  Holidays? Illness or chronic pain?  One or more of each? 

It's not a smooth progression from 5 to 1, it can jump pretty quickly based on the triggers, and sadly, we often are not even aware of some of the triggers.  A lot of the anger directed at us is not actually BOUT us - it's just the only way they seem to know to process those feelings.  Basically, just because he is going off on past decisions, he may not have been actually triggered by them, they are just a tool he can use to force you to feel as poorly in your emotions as he does.  It's unhealthy for all of us, and so we work on de-escalating when possible, and removing ourselves when needed. 

Validation can be very useful in stages 5 and 4.  it can let your SO know he's heard, that you agree with the valid statements about his feelings (this does not mean you share those feelings, agree with those feelings - you are allowed your own).  Remember thier feelings = their facts, regardless of how unfactual their reality is to us. 

Once you get to DefCon 3, you might want to find a way to extricate yourself from the conversation - if he is being sly about "nice subject change?" trying to put you on the defensive - how do you react to this?  Do you find yourself Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining?  (JADE).  All of these actions, as much as we want to do them, end up fueling the fire of conflict.  We feel we should be able to explain away the cause of the upset, and all will be well. But this is a twofold problem.  1-If he is at DefCon 3 or later, he ill just hear "you're wrong", no matter what you say.  2-If he's really mad about something else, and you're talking about a decision that was made, it's not addressing the problem, because he's not at a place where he is self-aware enough to KNOW the real problem and be able to communicate it.

So, DefCon 3, 2, 1?  Try not to engage.  It takes two to fight.  Do your best to refuse.  Try to leave the room, the house.  If you are able to change the subject, great.  If he insists on keeping the fight going no matter your validation efforts, it's time to remember something else you need to do, somewhere else you need to be.  Some members are able to simply state "I do not want to fight about this.  I am leaving for (you pick a time).  I will be back (addresses fear of abandonment) and if you want and can be respectful/calm, we can talk more."  I'm more passive, being me, and I simply come up with errands to go run.  You may need to mute your phone, turn it off for the set time.
 Usually, by the time I come back and he's calmed a bit, or is on the way to calming down.  Being away removes you as a target for those emotions (take any kids you can, parents have a harder challenge in this as you have little people to corral as well, but don't want them taking sides).  Without us as targets, they are forced to self-soothe.  Or they burn it out. 

Either way, there is no reason for any of us to accept being yelled, having unreasonable demands made (I have literally been told I need to go back in time and not forget steak sauce at the store)  at or blamed for everything under the sun when the things are not our fault or are being blown out of proportion.

In a nutshell, you don't need to respond.  He is dysregulating and being unreasonable.  You remove yourself as often as you can from the situation.  After a while, this will become normal for you, and he will get dragged along your path to self improvement. 

Hi ClingToHope,

The tools don’t always work at least you tried. You’re making progress with validation it’s a different way of speaking if you’re not used to it. isilme mentioned JADE, you’re not JADEing i think that he’s trying to bait he’s probably not used to the usual response. One of the most useful tools that I picked up here is to not JADE sometimes my ex will ask me a question that I’ve ajready answered twice I don’t JADE it opens it up to conflict if you concede to a pwBPD’s demand.

I think Isilme had some excellent advice.    Once things have gotten to a certain point  -  I don't really respond to demands.   I've gotten much better at reminding myself that JADEing isn't going to get the response I wish for or that I would get with someone "normal".   

I find , for me - subject changing is very difficult.   At times, when the "threat con" is low - I can gently steer the conversation away from the danger zone but it can be very, very tricky not to invalidate his feelings when doing this. 

I make it a habit to get up and get dressed and put my shoes on in the mornings on the weekends,  and have began doing the same with our child.   I keep my purse/cell/phone/keys in the same place near the door.   I keep a knitting project,  a couple books for myself and child , a few small toys, and a bit of cash in my errand bag in the car.     The errand bag also has library books to be returned, drycleaning to be dropped off,  things to be returned to the store,  packages to be mailed.   I also keep a list in my head of possible errands -like  a friend needs to borrow an evening bag and wrap for a big party,   "oh crap,  I forgot to get the pick tights for daughters recital".     

Thank you everyone for taking the time with words of wisdom

The DefCon analogy is great and I will keep in mind when it’s to high to just get out.

I am so overwhelmed
So tired