|
Title: Ok changing my approach and communicating boundaries Post by: MusicDad on March 28, 2018, 12:04:47 PM I have reached out to my son every day since he left home. Let him know his family loves him and is there for him. Pointlessly try to talk some sense into him while always seasoned with compassion. This approach is having no effect. My wife and I are obviously "painted black". The constant worry that he will die living on the street or take his own life has me in constant emotional prison and has done nothing to change him or me. Today I am letting go. He has my number. He could reach out anytime. I am unclear as to how to follow through with this without shutting him off the way he has to me. I would like to communicate boundaries to him should he decide to call or come back home. Texting is our primary form as he rarely actually answers the phone. Should I text him a sort of final text of love and support outlining my boundaries or should I just let everything breathe for awhile? Anyone have similar experience of this kind?
Title: Re: Ok changing my approach and communicating boundaries Post by: bluek9 on March 28, 2018, 01:47:13 PM Hi MusicDad,
You sound so wiped out, emotionally drained. You have a tough situation going on. I'm always amazed at the depth of love and compassion we parents have for our kids. Parents on this board suffer so intensely from the feelings and emotions we go through when attempting to extend that love to our children. It is sad that often our BPD kids are not in a space where they can receive that love. You talk about your boundaries and wanting to communicate them with him. Do you have a clear picture of what they are? You want to leave the door open to him, that's great. I'll share what that situation would like for me and my daughter. My personal boundary is that I'm not willing to interact with her when she rages, screams or yells. Now I don't say all that to her. What I do say is "when you scream and yell I feel hurt and threatened. Is it possible for us to talk when you have had a chance to calm down". I'm encouraged that you have boundaries, that means self care for you. If you haven't tried using the S.E.T. give it a look. You can find it in the lessons to the right ---> You also asked the question about letting things breath for awhile, you know your son and yourself, my suggestion would be follow your heart and your instincts. Title: Re: Ok changing my approach and communicating boundaries Post by: Huat on March 28, 2018, 02:25:27 PM Hi MusicDad
Sometimes we want so much for the hurt to stop... .when we have come to the end of the rope and are just plain exhausted. What now? What now? I can hear and understand when you write... ."The constant worry that he will die living on the street or take his life has me in constant emotional prison." If you didn't love your child so much, that worry would not be there... .but you do... .and it is. It was a good idea for you to stay in daily contact with him... .but... .it is not working the way you would want. He is choosing to not respond. So... .(see Lesson 2 |---> |---> "If your current approach is not working, change it." Maybe time for that change. He can't help but notice a difference. Yeh, a breather might be good for all. Perhaps time to let him know that you respect the boundary he has set (no communication) but will always welcome him back into your lives. After a bit, nothing says you can't send out sporadic, little reminders of your love for him, though... .just touching base with him... .nothing newsy... ."Love you, Son!" Above, BlueK9 has given some sound advice... .something to think about. As she writes, it is important to know your boundaries and practice beforehand how you will communicate that to him when he does make contact. My heart goes out to you and your wife and I so urge you to look after yourselves. You've tried so hard to make things different and you are just plain worn out. Be confident in knowing that you have done your best... .no guilt trips! Your son is capable of making choices... .bad... .and good! Keep posting. It helps to let off some steam. Huat Title: Re: Ok changing my approach and communicating boundaries Post by: MusicDad on March 28, 2018, 06:02:50 PM Thank you everyone for your understanding and support. I am so blessed to have found you all.
Title: Re: Ok changing my approach and communicating boundaries Post by: Rosie1q on March 31, 2018, 03:04:23 AM Hi MusicDad
My heart goes out to you and your wife. As a mum I feel your pain I can only try to put myself in your shoes. I would stay in touch with him if only if it is by texting. My daughter is 41 and I get the rages the blaming at times I want to walk away I hate her at times “Why us what have we done wrong the other two aren’t like this “is a favourite quote from my husband. Why us because we love her she like your son has a illness and you can only be there for them. I feel in your heart you wouldn’t walk away because you have a great love for your son. It is his choice so leave the door open he knows you love him and it’s heart breaking that he pushes you away but stay strong. I send my love to you both and pray things will improve for you both in time |