BPDFamily.com

Still early in my exploration of this board but am loving taking in all of the many resources that are here. My therapist (whom has also seen my wife) and myself are pretty sure that my wife is undiagnosed, but is a poster child for BPD with the various symptoms that she exhibits. Here is what I am trying to get some more insight on.

pwBPD tend to need all of their emotional needs met by others, and many times will play the role of victim to others in order to get their needs met. With all of the reading I am doing this makes sense.

What I am struggling with is that my separated wife says that now that she is not living in the house with me, she realizes that she is a very independent person and that she is looking for a partner that is very independent as well. These statements are very much the opposite of the ideas presented above.

I guess my question is, could a pwBPD speak like my wife above but not really understand that she isn't describing herself at all. Just trying to understand.

my experience is that they often lack self-awareness about many things... .   

is what stands out to me.   I think it's pretty common for pwBPD is immediately jump into the next relationship because they need to be with someone at all times.   Healthy, independant people don't do that

My BPDh is would be financially independent if we were to split,  he has high income and assets but he would immediately find someone else to manage emotional needs and run interference with his dysfunctional FOO
 

It's also quite possible that while some pwBPD can be dependent on others for emotional care, they may be very financially, socially, professionally independent and successful. My partner is one of these. He also never jumped from relationship to relationship, and was very monogamous with long gaps of single-ness after any break up. However he's diagnosed, not in denial about it, and has all the symptoms in spades, except self-injury/suicide attempts. He can function fine on his own if an emotional attachment (a relationship) isn't there to make him feel vulnerable. He can be single, but when he isn't, he can dysregulate if the r/s kicks up his insecurities. Sort of a sad dilemma, because he'd like to be in a happy, long term committed relationship, not be alone all the time because it's "safer". But this can trigger the BPD. Most people DO want to connect with someone and find love. That's not abnormal. But finding love can be very confusing and unsettling to a pwBPD, even if they function really well in other aspects.

I think pwBPD can be very independent - in some - but not all ways.

Hi dotg, my wife often rants about needing "independence" and "freedom" during dysregulation periods, but I think this mostly translates to "You are reflecting the ugliness in me right now and I can't face that so I need to run away." In fact, I think pwBPD are the least independent because of the degree to which they often rely on the other person for emotional / physical support.

Case in point, during a dysregulation period yesterday my wife claimed she was on dating apps and had already arranged to meet with two guys in the following week. I later got her to admit this was purely for revenge purposes and she does not plan to go. 

If your wife is anything like mine, I think she still loves you but the truths about herself your relationship shows to her are sometimes unbearable, so she has an impulse to find someone new who can give attention and affection but without the feeling of judgement.

Does that answer your question? Does it sound like what might be going on in your wife's head? Everyone is different after all.

~ROE

This summed up my exBPD very well.