BPDFamily.com

Partner left me again after 6 year on off  relationship, last May I was in ICU for 24 hours and 7 days in hospital recovering from an overdose. In August we rekindled the relationship after a friendship had started again, she left me again in January because of my "moods"  (depression).  We have a four year old son together whom I see as much as I can, usually 3 nights and some days a week.
I have been in and out of the suicidal crisis teams building several times over the past four or five  weeks. I don't want to leave my son, but im fighting every day with feelings of worthlessness.
I'm addicted/obsessed with gaining validation after a very turbulent relationship. She had a diagnosis of attachment disorder with BPD traits.
I think I may have developed some of those traits on top of my own insecurities.
After a life of depression, I'm at my wits end and need some help.

Hey there Melvins5000  

I would like to drop a very quick response in the meantime. How are you feeling right now? Do you have someone to talk to right now? Im sorry you are feeling so down and even struggling with overwhelming helplessness. Could you perhaps share a little more about your situation?

Here to help.

Spero

I'm extremely mixed up emotionally, still madly in love with her/jealous/addicted, but also know the relationship was eating me alive. I lived in fear of her leaving me, as she did in the first few years. I have a diagnosis of ptsd due to childhood traumas and also ADHD. I can't bare to see her move on, she has invalidated my pain many times. She has started other relationships once in our break last year and on a break the previous one has year, as well as lots of male contact, where she originally would get extremely angry if I had female or any other outside interests, a very one sided set of bounderies.

Hello again Melvins5000,

Glad to hear from you. Im sorry that you must be hurting so much right now because of whst your partner has done to you. You must be feeling very confused by some mixed "signals" that she appears to be sending to you right now. When was the last time you had interacted with her? Prior to posting on this board, were you also able to speak to anyone else?

Spero

Hi Melvins5000,

First I wanted to send some        your way.  

I'm so sorry you are going through this everything is tough when your are struggling with depression (been there too) but dealing with a break up has got to be super hard.

Based on my experience I would suggest keeping your son in mind that's what I did.  I could never leave my son and your son needs you too.  I know it doesn't feel like it now but this will get better.  Are you able to reach out to the Suicide Team that you mentioned above?

Just take things one step at a time, maybe try and focus on self care.  What can you do to take care of your self for a little while this morning? Can you go for a walk?  I find a little exercise can make me feel better.

I want you to know that you aren't alone and that you matter.

Take Care,
Panda39

My son is my main focus, but it's extremely difficult, I think he could have done so much better for a father and the pain of feeling worthless often jades the view and minimises any positives.
I am working with the team, but it's a very short term intervention and there is nothing if they decide to discharge me. I'm very scared of my emotions and where they lead me, I have walked the bridge accross the river many times, thinking about jumping.
People in the crisis team have minimised my issue, telling me they aren't running relationship advice - I left the building and almost killed myself feeling there was no understanding.

I have spoken on here in the past, my network has dwindled somewhat over the years, where my exs has continued to grow. My friends and family have had there fill of my problems and can't deal with them.

Hey Melvins5000,

How is your son doing right now? Is he coping okay not having his mum around at this time?

Spero

Imagine being on that bridge and your son is holding your hand and he won't let go.

Your son loves you and needs you.  None of us are perfect parents as they say there is no manual, but our children love us and need us in spite of our imperfections and sometimes because of them.

My guess is that your friends and family love you, and they may not know what to do to help, but that doesn't mean they don't want to.  When we are depressed it's easy to cut ourselves off from others, we don't want to be a burden, we think they don't really care, we want to appear strong so we don't share... .whatever we tell ourselves.  It might feel counter intuitive but try to reach out, but when you do understand they are imperfect humans doing their best.  They can listen and support you but they can't fix everything for you.  It's up to you to work on yourself.  It's tough work climbing out of that deep dark hole that is depression, but I believe you can do it.  Start by doing it for your son and I bet it will grow into doing it for yourself.   

Panda39

I've got to head off to work for the day, but I will check back in through out the day.  I know as the morning goes on that others will chime in here too.

Hang in there, don't give up and I will talk with you soon.  I'm really glad that you decided to reach out today.  |iiii

Panda39

Hey. Out of everything you wrote so far, this is what stuck out for me personally.

I can reassure you from first-hand experience that people here understand the importance of addressing the relationship side. How it all ties together.

It's good you're here. Hope to read more from you.

-ngu

Hi Melvins5000,

I'd like to join spero and Panda39 in welcoming you.  I'm so glad that you decided to share here how you are feeling.  We care.     Can you tell me how you are feeling today?  Are you feeling suicidal right now?  

Depression and heartache are a horrible combination.  Many of us here can understand how that feels and you're not alone in feeling worthless.  I have struggled with this a great deal in my life and have felt like ending it all.  As you will know from having a crisis last year, these feelings are not permanent.  What treatment do you receive, if any, for the depression?  :)oes the crisis team intend to refer you to a service that can support you longer term?  Keep talking to us and let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x

Hi Melvin',

We're all here for you this afternoon.

So, what triggered/spiked your latest feelings of worthlessness?

Skip

Skip, the break up in January triggered me - I've been in a downward spiral since - some days are slightly better than others. I've not slept properly since then, most nights I'm only getting 1 hour maximum. My ex said she missed me last week, but later said it was because she saw a glimpse of a smile.

Harley Quinn, I've had a referral accepted and have been offered help with psychology in 4 or so months, it's really hard to see that far in the future and my belief that anything can help me isn't string, although I keep trying. Till then I'm reading, watching self help videos and talking to whom ever will listen. I have a review with the crisis team tomorrow, sure they are going to try and discharge me. I see a therapist twice a month, which can barely afford right now.

Hi Melvin,
  I'm going to echo everything others on this board are saying. Your son loves and needs you. Can you hang onto that for another four months? I'm so sorry you have to wait so long to be seen.
  Here in the states, we have suicide chat lines--not sure you can access them from GB. They are staffed with your first point of contact being a volunteer, not necessarily a psychologist; however, once the volunteer realizes what kind of shape you're in, you're bumped up to someone with professional credentials.
 Like I said, I've used one of the chat lines myself online, and I've called them. I don't know enough about the online chats to know if you can access them, but here they are 24/7, and you can talk/chat with a real person.
  The phone lines I'm assuming are not international.
  Please keep posting, so we all know you're still hanging in.
   
TMD

The Samaritans have 24 lines, TMD, good point.

    Samaritans UK
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI - local rate)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
    Website: samaritans.org
    E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
    24 Hour service:

How long have you been an inpatient? Has it helped?  Are your fearful of a discharge?

I'm extremely fearful of having no support network that could potentially help me, I've experienced extreme lows several times in my life, but have never felt quite as low as now. I came on here as some people have trivialised my anguish regarding the relationship and how its changed my trust and general outlook.

I've used the Samaritans in the past, they are sometimes helpful, often not, I've been told by a psychiatrist I need much more than counselling, I've been seeking help for years and my referral has been refused up until now.

I've been an inpatient for around 4 weeks and it's helped some days, others not - they don't really offer coping strategies, not ones I haven't already tried anyway. It's so hard to remember advice when your head is already full.

It's a shame. I've heard that before.  


Do you have a church family?  I live far from my family and I went through a medical crisis some years ago. I toughed it out solo for a while, then leaned on my church family for help. They were hugely helpful.

What was your name when you were here before?

Hi Melvins,

Just popping back in.  So glad to see so many here circling the wagons around you!  I love the folks here!  |iiii

I can relate to this too.  Writing often helped me.  You can get the stuff spinning around in your head out on paper (or computer - I'm an old school hand written paper Panda) and have a place to keep it so you can ruminate on stuff less and create some "head space". 

Panda39

Hi melvins5000, welcome to our family.
You are amongst people who know, exactly what you are feeling, Nd can empathise, these relationships take away everything.
You are worth it, I understand about the brain fog, read what you can, and keep posting, we got your back xxx

Hey there Melvins5000,

I would like to reaffirim you that we are here for you. It must really be frustrating and discouraging to not be understood or heard. Let me echo the words of skip, harley quinn, toomanydogs, panda39 and NGU. You are not alone and am concerned for your present well being.

Im glad you have reached out to us on this board. I'm sorry to hear that the avenues you've reached out to seem to not make your situation better. I am unfamiliar with the healthcare system in the UK and am surprised that it is going tp take 4 months to receive psychoatric help.

Please do update us on your situation after you've met with the crisis team ya?
Hoping the best for you.

Take heart and take care,
Spero

My ex insists I need therapy for my older issues, basically she prodded and poked my every weakness till I reacted and then insisted I needed help to deal with things. She continuously gaslighted me and cried victim to mutual acquaintances in a town which was new to me, often criticising my newer friends till I stopped seeing friends outside the relationship.

I really need sleep, I'm currently taking venlafaxine 9 days in and I'm aware it can cause Insomnia or promote it. I've not slept more than an hour a night for two months, apart from two occasions. Tried sleeping pills but they just knocked me out and I woke up shortly after. Promethazine caused me to have worse depression and made me very lethargic anxious for two days following.

Dear Melvins5000,

Hello, friend. I'm so sorry that you're going through this very tough time. I am glad that you have reached out for help with the crisis team in your area, and that you've gotten some inpatient assistance. It really sucks to feel so very low and to reach out to receive help, and then find out that the help is incomplete or that the help lacks a component of understanding of your exact situation.

When you feel this way, just tune into bpdfamily to flesh out any additional support you need. That's why we're here.

My name is Speck. I gave myself that name because when my wife left me, I felt like a speck of dust, like a mote of nothingness floating through the air. So, you see, I am no stranger to lonely thoughts.

But, the one thing that I did during my dark days was that I reached out to souls here who sustained me through a bleak period. And in so doing, I was able to crawl back into the light of understanding. It has helped tremendously.

So... .can you touch base here every day, just to let us know how you're doing? Or, let us know how best to support you?

It may be hard for you to believe right now, but we care.


-Speck

I really do appreciate everyone's time, I'm still trying to reconcile with my ex, but in my heart I know it's a major mistake - the loneliness is just so tough and I'm never going to get closure. Every time I see her it brings everything to the fore - I still find her very attractive and can't help imagining her with someone else. She wants to be friends, but obviously I can't do that - she tells me "people break up all the time" to exonerate herself, it's obviously no comfort to me.

Hey there Melvins5000,


I just want to affirm you that, you are who you are even with those flaws and blemishes. It must have felt so degrading to hear those words from someone you deeply care about. I want to affirm you that as you are, you a person worthy of love and acceptance. It is as you say, that she has "gaslighted" you, split you black, and cast herself as a victim. I am very concerned for your mental as well as your physical well being. The inability to have sufficient rest can greatly strain your mental well being.


Not being able to sleep is deeply deeply frustrating. The lack of sleep often makes me feel tired and easily agitated and sometimes i often realise that i easily lose my patience with people around me. I can only imagine the kind of torture and deep difficultly to sleep only hour a day for two months, plus i suppose you would also have to attend to the needs of your son as well. Such a situation can easily overwhelm anyone and trigger a downward spiral of despair.


Would it be correct to say that, while you've tried sleeping pills, they have not been effective in giving you at least 6 hours of sleep? Even consuming sleep medication, you've woke up in less than lets say 3 hours and have to live with the side effects of the drugs?

Spero.

Melvins5000,

I haven't posted much over the last few weeks although I visit and read this site at least ten times a day. I have been too down to reply to posts and too also start a new post I have been meaning to do.

However I too am in the UK and felt I really had to reply to you.

I have a friend on Venlafaxine [Effexor XR] and it works for him unless he is just not as bad as me, I have been prescribed the same but to be honest I have only tried a couple and I didn't like the effects, I realise they should be given at least two weeks.

I understand the health system here, my doctor says he has referred me 3 times to see someone but I have never heard back from anywhere and I have been waiting since around November 2016.
The best I have received was a phone call where someone without a clue was asking me multiple choice questions he was reading from a piece of paper or a PC screen, I cut him off after 5 minutes, I apologised and said it wasn't for me and seemed inappropriate.

My doctor tried to call the crises team around November 2016 but I wouldn't let him.
At least you are taking action albeit the response is not brilliant, think of your son and how lucky you are to have him, I wish I had kids.

I don't know if you are drinking but if you are try to cut down with a view to stop, I have managed 14 months without a drink at home, I only now drink beer in the pub a couple of times a week, drinking alone at home makes everything a million times worse. I get so down recently the off license is tempting.

I know exactly how you feel and I wish I didn't, keep posting on here whenever you feel up to it and take care.

You are correct Spero apart from one occasion I had 6 hours with the promethazine, but it made my mood and anxiety much worse.

Thankyou for your words

Thanks for clarifying, Melvins5000. I've had a dear friend of mine break down crying because she couldn't sleep much over a few consecutive days. Sleep seems to be one pertinent area which needs immediate attention right now. How are you feeling right now? Have you had anything to eat the whole day today?

Spero.

Hi, I'm forcing myself to eat and eat quite healthy also forcing exercise to keep my blood and endorphins moving. I'm still crying as soon as I return to the house with physical and mental exhaustion. Each day brings some new pain, I meditate, do some yoga moves and say mantras like "you are worthy of good things" although I believe this it doesn't take away the emptiness I'm feeling.

Melvins, I'm in the UK too.  My referral to the specialist psychotherapy service was put in a year ago and I've got the appointment for next month which came through today.  What service are you being referred to?  I'd advise you to speak to the crisis team tomorrow about upon discharge being provided support from the community mental health team in your area.  After 2 inpatient spells within a year due to suicidal thoughts, be clear that you require some support.  They may provide a home based service who could work with you in the immediate future.  

If you're paying for counselling then it is important to ensure you're able to speak to someone who can understand what you're going through.  How helpful are you finding it?  :)o you have a crisis management plan in place?  What steps would you normally take if you feel unsafe?

 

Going through what you are is really painful    I can't imagine how hard it must be to see her.  How often does this happen? 

I agree that it's really important to get some rest, so every way you can be kind to yourself and relieve the cause of your sleeplessness naturally will be a bonus.  It's great to hear that you're taking the steps you are.  It's really positive that you are trying to help yourself and that you're reaching out for support.   

Love and light x

Harley Quinn

I see her up to six times a week for dropping off and picking up my boy - it's really tough.

I've been referred to CMHT 3 times, this time was successful - I'm hoping so much it helps me. I don't want to leave my boy, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and never knew I could love anyone so much. The pain of having to see my ex and not having people to share fun with him is excruciating, it's so lonely. He catches me crying and starts to cry because he feels so helpless, it's heartbreaking, I don't want him to feed off my depression.

Yes that does sound really tough.  What are the arrangements between you for care of your son?  How old is he?  I have a little boy who has just turned 4.  It is really hard trying to hold it together for their sakes.  It's OK to feel sad sometimes.  Kids get that.  I can understand you not wanting it to be a regular thing though.  Have you had a medication review for your depression whilst an inpatient? 

Love and light x 

Hi Melvins,

As a parent I can't agree with you more  |iiii

Panda39

He is also 4, I have him when I possibly can, hopefully tomorrow - he's such an amazing boy. The prescribing psychiatrist is away on holiday, I was so hesitant to take anything after a terrible experience last year on Citalapram, they tripled my anxiety. I'm so afraid of starting any other medication now, I'm not even two weeks in currently though.

Melvins5000:

It sounds like you are doing your best to take care of yourself, and that is the key thing right now.

You were talking earlier about needing to sleep. Have you lain down horizontally in order to take care of this very important physical requirement? We will be here when you get up.

Scout's honor!


-Speck

I've taken some herbs sleepy tea and am trying to switch off, thankyou again - Im hoping sleep comes tonight.

Hope you would get some sleep tonight, Melvins5000

takecare! and do keep us posted on what happens tomorrow with your review.

Spero.

Altogether I've been on 4 different antidepressants and am just changing to a fifth.  These types of drugs work better for some people than others and it can be a matter of trialling them for a month or two to see how they are once properly in your system.  None of the SSRI/SNRI's that I've tried have been awful, however some have worked better than others and the side effects have been varied.  You are worth putting the effort into.  Short term trials for long term gain.  It's almost 10 here and if you're having your son tomorrow, it would be good to have some energy then you can enjoy having fun with him.  They are brilliant, aren't they?  

Do you think you could do some breathing exercises in bed?  What I find works for me when my mind is racing is mindfulness meditation.  A body scan in bed knocks me out.  What do you think?

Love and light x

Hi, I had some sleep with herbal teas, magnesium l threonate capsules and yoga nidra, which is yogic sleep. I feel a little more rested but still a nervous wreck, my breathing becomes restricted when I'm stressed, keep reminding myself to breath, it's become a natural emotional response to any kind of issue, small or big currently.

Great news that you had some sleep.  |iiii  When you find what works, stick with it and build upon that.  How are you feeling today?  Any plans with your son?  What do you enjoy doing together?

Love and light x

Hi, I'm still extremely raw and my nerves are extremely bad, also still very very tired. I'm still going over the past, all the double standards, all the male interactions she had and denied me of any friends, receiving presents from men etc.

My son likes to be outdoors, I take him out whenever I can - motivation is at an all time low currently though. Planned to do an egg hunt tonight as I'm still managing to hold onto my support worker job and am working Sunday. He's very tactile and loves using his hands, maybe we could make some Easter cakes?

In a bad way, I sent you a private message.

Melvins5000,

I'm glad to hear that you found some sleep!

I hope you have a sweet, loving, and wonderful day with your son. Easter cakes, may just be the trick to take your mind off heavier things.

We're here if you need us.


-Speck

I just wanted to check in with you too  

I'm glad you got some rest that will help.  |iiii  You mentioned you were still tired, do you think it's lack of sleep or depression or the double whammy of both?  I found depression could really sap my energy.   

You might try a walk outside gets those endorphins up, gets your energy up, and might help with sleep when you're back at bedtime.

So I'm an American with a sweet tooth we do Easter Eggs and Candy... .inquiring minds want to know what is an Easter Cake?  Just a regular cake on Easter or is it a special cake with special ingredients just for Easter?

Take Care, 
Panda39

I will be cycling home from work shortly, hopefully that will help tire me - get my endorphins going also.

There is no real easter cake recipe, I was thinking of picking up some little eggs or chicks to put on some cupcakes. There is actually Simnell cake, not sure if it's spelled this way, it's got marzipan on it.

I'm really worried I don't make it, I'm sure my ex has someone else already, that's what sent me over the edge last year.

I've just sent you a reply.

Hi, Melvins5000:

How are you feeling today? Did you make the Easter cake with your son?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

Hi, I'm still really suffering with dark thoughts and self negativity - can't get past feeling expendable.

Hey there Melvins5000.

How are you feeling right now? If you'd like, maybe you can share what these dark thoughts are?

We're here to listen.

Spero

Yes I don't mind sharing, I'm still thinking daily about ending my life I can't summon any positivity and lack sleep is making it hard to be motivated. My son is the reason I'm still here, but every day is a real trial. I'm still in love with my ex or obsessed with her fixing my pain. I'm exhausted and considering a life of loneliness and/or depression is too hard.

Hi Melvins5000,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so low. I can relate to thinking about not wanting to live anymore. Many of us have been there, and when in that frame of mind, it can feel like nothing will change or get better. That was my experience. In fact, I didn't care if anything got better. I didn't care much about anything.

If you had told me after my breakup that things would improve for me, I wouldn't have believed it. I was shocked when I started to feel better, when I started to laugh and feel joy again. It happened. And I never thought it would.

Just wanted to share that with you. You have every right to your feelings. I hope you'll remember that they do change. 

heartandwhole

Hey there Melvins5000,

Im sorry you are in a really bad place. It must really be tough to find meaning and purpose while wanting to have your pain taken away. How much sleep were you able to catch last night? Right now i do agree that the lack of sleep seems to be the most basic and fundamental need that has to be addressed.

Sorry i've not been up to speed with things, how did the review with the crisis team go? Any updates on that?

Spero

Heartandsoul thankyou for sharing your story, it's actually very helpful - although I'm aware that being so low tricks the mind into thinking mostly negatively, it's very easy not to see a positive future. I'm quite numb and despondent to most things right now, as you said - although I care emmensly about people, I still feel slightly empty.

Spero - the crisis team are still seeing me once a week I think, was expecting a call from them today to arrange another visit, but still no call.
They aren't brilliant regarding continuity in care and helping with new coping techniques, I feel I've exhausted a lot of my own.

I know depression is exhausting, I'm no stranger to it, but today I'm particularly lethargic and worry it's a start to a new level of fatigue.

Hey there Melvins5000,

Its good to hear from you again. Did you manage to step out of the house today? I'm glad the crisis team is still reaching out to you. How does each session go? Do they pay you a visit, or you'd have to head down to a local support centre to have your case attended to? What action plan have they recommended to perhaps help you cope better with in your current state?

I'm sorry to hear that it isn't quite working out for you with the team despite your best effort so have them follow up with you.
I'm not sure about your current state, but when i was depressed, i remember my appetite and sugar levels were rather low, have you had something to eat? or some glucose to drink? It know it is difficult where you are right now, but if you've not eaten anything the entire day, please at least grab a piece of toast and a sweet drink alright?

I am not familiar with the UK mental health care system. But it must feel discouraging to see improvements even though you are trying hard. The constant "trying" would also probably wear you out further. Is there anything you could do to escalate your queue to see a therapist, especially when you've mentioned that you were having suicidal thoughts lately?

Spero

The last person I saw within the crisis team mentioned the possibility of psychiatric therapy being on the cards with their unit - but he didn't want me to get my hopes up, that's just the issue, I've been promised things before by them which never came to fruition. The lack of continuity is slightly disconcerting and the empty promises are really frustrating.

I'm still eating ok, I'm forcing healthy meals mostly, my appetite is nowhere near as good as usual and eating is very much a function, not pleasure and I occasionally forget to eat if my routine slips.

I really do appreciate your advice and help, it's hard to show how much whilst I'm fighting with this negativity.

Melvin,

Hello, friend. Even if you cannot imagine this depression ever lifting, just trust that, someday, it will.

For now, just focus on doing what works to soothe and restore you on a daily basis: Adequate rest, proper nutrition, daily hygiene, intentional exercise. Sometimes just sitting out on the porch in the sunshine can really lift the spirit for a while. However, I see that you're in Britain, so I don't know how much sunshine you'll see today, but hopefully, you get my point.

Hang in there, bud. We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

Melvin,

I sure hate to hear that you in such a state.  I pray that one day soon the cloud will lift and the sun will shine through again.

This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with also.  It can be debilitating at time.

These boards have been a great help for me personally.  I hope you and I both are able to come back here many months or years down the road and reflect on our complete recovery and give hope to the many that unfortunately will be suffering at that time.

Hey Melvin,

Just wanted to chime in and send support as well!

I've had some very dark days recently and it's only my rational mind plus some of the DBT skills I've picked up that have been able to keep me going minute to minute. I'm so sorry you feel so awful, and as many have said, we can relate here. I have faith in not feeling like this forever for myself and have that faith for you, too.

Wishing you lots of strength, even if it's just to get you through the motions for now.

-Lighthouse

Hi lighthouse, how many sessions of DBT did you have - it's something I'm interested in trying.

I saw a DBT therapist for about 5 or 6 sessions before I moved. We're still in touch and I'll likely see her again when I go back to the state for work once a month. We didn't specifically do DBT, but all of our sessions were DBT informed and she sent me home with skills to practice. The DBT program there was more reserved for people w/BPD, but they saw family members and spouses, too for individual sessions. I picked up the workbook and like it, but it's a bit hard to follow on your own.

I've found this information about DBT skills helpful and practical:

DBTSelfHelp: Taking Hold of Your Mind (https://bit.ly/2GTbqTE)

heartandwhole

Thankyou that's very good of you, I will take a look at that just now.

I hope it's helpful Melvin!

One of the best things I've learned is about distraction. I'm the kind of person who has trouble not ruminating and I was raised to think it was wrong to not face everything head on. My therapist had me doing a lot of distraction, which for me has meant listening to a bunch of my favorite audiobooks - guilty pleasure kind of stuff. There's still so much that triggers me, but I've found a few good distractions that at least get me out of distress for a good part of the day.

Check out the DBT skills on distress tolerance -they've been where I'm focused.

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