BPDFamily.com

I've been separated from my spouse of 34 years for just 3 weeks now, so am only beginning to understand the effects this relationship has had on me.  My question is this... .I am familiar with the stages of grief... .but are there stages for healing from trauma that may look different from the stages of grief?

Hello, Jersey G!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. I've been there, my friend. Heck, I'm still there! Thank you for what you have shared with us thus far:


Yes. Do you have access to a therapist? The following is from Judith Lewis Herman, a psychiatrist and a professor of clinical psychiatry at Harvard University Medical School, who is perhaps most famous for her contributions to the study trauma and the expansion of trauma treatments:

Trauma Recovery and Herman’s Three Stages of Treatment

Stage One: Safety and Stabilization

• working with the therapist to develop a personalized treatment plan
• improving his or her sense of personal stability, security, and safety
• understanding how to process and express emotions in a healthy way
• distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and tendencies
• cultivating an effective routine of psychological and emotional self-care
• practicing forms of self-love and self-appreciation
• uncovering and exploring sources of inner strength
• developing coping mechanisms and life skills that effectively manage “triggers”

Stage Two: Remembrance and Mourning

Stage two of trauma recovery works to address any painful and/or repressed memories that the patient may have and does so within a judgment-free, therapeutic setting.

• working with the therapist to evaluate painful and traumatic memories
• redefining the role that certain events play in his or her life thus far
• exploring and mourning any losses associated with the trauma in question
• permitting the self to grieve as needed in a safe space
• working through the grief with the therapist and identifying what caused it
• identifying any previously repressed unsolicited or abusive incidents
• determining the impact that such incidents might have had on his or her life
• mourning the loss of good experiences or opportunities that were not realized due to trauma or trauma-related hindrances

Stage Three: Reconnection and Integration

The third and final stage of trauma recovery focuses on the patient’s reinvention of the self and establishment of a bright, hopeful future. By this stage, the trauma no longer has power over or defines the patient’s life.

You can read more about it here. (http://www.dharmaspirit.com/pdf/Three%20Stages%20of%20Trauma%20Recovery_Handout.pdf)

---

Please feel free to post - tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

Thank you, Speck- this is exactly what I was looking for. I did start seeing a counselor but hadn't asked this question yet. I've bottled up my feelings for as long as I can remember and am a bit frightened to even face what's inside of me. I am beginning to mourn all the years that I've spent in FOG.  I know I can't go back, but I can't help but imagine what my life would have been without the FOG! As with all of us, there's always beauty in the midst of the chaos- right?  I am trying to allow myself to feel the effects of the chaos while still being grateful for the beauty that did occur.  It feels incongruent- having all these opposite feelings swirling at the same time- but I'm learning that that is actually healthy- haha.  Baby steps... .Thanks again!

Jersey G:

Okay, I'm glad that was helpful. I'm also happy to hear that you are seeing a T. This place + therapy are the two things that has helped me the most. I also continue to do other self-care things, such as getting enough rest, exercising, and taking in good nutrition.

Touch base from time to time, let us know how you're doing.


Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

Thank you, Speck!
    The other thing that I'm sure is common but that I'm finding challenging, is all the unsolicited counsel I'm receiving from well-meaning friends and family. I need to have some sort of pre-determined script that'll express my thankfulness for their love and concern but that'll ward off any perception that I am actually wanting MORE counsel.  Today, I received an email with an article to read from one family member, an email stating that I would be receiving a book in the mail from another family member, and several emails communicating various levels of concern and counsel. Have you discovered a helpful response?

hey Jersey G, i want to join Speck and say *welcome*

i like the stages Speck shared! id not heard of Herman's three stages.

after my breakup, i read Susan Anderson's Journey From Abandonment to Healing, and really liked her stages of Abandonment Cycle. you can find those, as well as the "stages of Detachment" here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

additionally, our article on Surviving a Breakup includes great advice, as well as the 10 Beliefs that can keep us stuck: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf


what sort of unsolicited counsel? i know you mentioned a book and an article and emails. what are the specifics?

Hello Once Removed- Thank you for attaching wonderful resources!  To answer your question... .What unsolicited counsel am I receiving?  Most all don't understand BPD/DPD when giving counsel, so it's along the lines of, "This book really helped us when we were struggling, and I believe it may be the answer to your problems." "You just need to forgive... .because your daughter needs her father."  "You just need a break, then you can get back together." And the hardest... ."I've seen your husband and he's soo much better already! Can't you see he's already changed?"  Ugh. I am fresh out of the oven- having baked in FOG for most of my life.  I feel guilty, selfish, like I need to convince others as to how bad life in the home has been... .how my endocrine system can't take it anymore etc. This is what I'm currently dealing with. 

Jersey G:


Hmmm... .yes, this is frustrating, though I am glad that you do have people reaching out to you in your time of need. But, here's the thing: With most major life crises/stressors (death, cancer, divorce, addiction, affairs, abuse, etc.), people rarly know the right/correct thing to say, so they opt for saying... .something/anything in order to convey concern/love. Again, their message rarly hits correctly, no matter how well-intended!

When I'm faced with this kind of stuff, I usually just smile and thank them for their concern/message. However, if they start absolutely hammering me on a particular course of action, I will simply tell them, "Thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate it. But, this matter is much deeper/more complicated than I can possibly discuss further."

I've had decent success in using some variation of the above. It stops the hammering immediately without damaging my relationship with the messenger.

I hope this is helpful!


-Speck

Soo good, Speck... .Thank you!  Just since my post this morning, I had 2 people asking if I had biblical reasons to separate. I said- ":)oes abuse count?"  I'm very aware of my need to have a response like yours ready.  Again- thank you!

Jersey G,


That works, too.

People can get really hung up on understanding others' problems through their own worldview (i.e., political, religious, etc.), that it bars them from being truly empathetic. It's almost as if they can't help themselves; they hear without listening.

You only need your own "permission" to take care of what you need to do for yourself to regain peace, happiness, and wholeness. And, I wish you much success in that endeavor.

Keep writing if it helps... .we're always open.


-Speck

oh good heavens. that would drive me up a wall 

Speck is right of course, that people mean well, but can say the wrong thing, even make matters worse.


it is worthwhile to confide in a close, trusted friend, who can listen without judgment, and whom you dont need to convince. thats why finding a good therapist comes highly recommended here, too.

there was a member here who had advice for someone in a very similar situation. he said his go to was something along the lines of "this has been really hard on me, and i need your support and understanding." its okay to communicate your needs. not everyone will be able to give you that, but you might be surprised. its okay to communicate what you dont want or need too. if you dont want advice, but just someone to listen, for example, you can say that.

The current thinking on trauma is that the person with trauma needs to first work on how past traumas are affecting them in the present. Does the traumatized person have nightmares, flashbacks,strong emotional reactions to events that are more than what would be expected? To deal with how the past affects the present, the person with trauma learns how to calm themselves and be present in the moment so they can reach a point where they are less affected by past trauma, and nightmares, flashbacks, strong emotional reactions are reduced to the point that the person with trauma feels more present, happy, and able to deal with painful reminders of the trauma.
There are two kinds of grief: normal grief and complicated grief. It is complicated grief when there are terrible circumstances that accompany the event and the person cannot go on living a normal life,
despite the fact that the terrible event happened many months or years ago.
It is normal to feel very upset when a long term relationship ends, and to wonder if you will every be okay. The best strategy is to reach out, which is what you are doing by contacting this board, which has many people who have been in a lot of pain when their relationships ended. 34 years is a long time, so you may not feel quite yourself for quite a while. Let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

Thank you... .yes processing here feels so safe given so many have gone before.  Again- thank you!