BPDFamily.com

I am not sure where to start so thought a general introduction first and then further details.

The wounds are still pretty fresh to please bear with me. My ex and I were together for 7 years and have known one another and been in each other's lives for 8 years. Without going in to significant long winded details I can enumerate some of what has taken place. Mind you I did not understand what was going on and very close to all this so could not see things as clearly as I think I do now.

When we first started dating it was long distance, I took my time, we were in constant contact, I traveled 2 to 3 times per month for extended weekends to visit, date, and court this individual who would become my wife. Everything seemed like normal and moving along, no red flags. She moved in to my home and within I'd say about a couple months I discovered she was taking nude selfie pics and sending them to other guys. Needless to say this gave me a lot of concern and created points for a lively discussion. We worked through it.

Rolling forward, about a year later we were engaged, not even a couple months after the engagement she was back at it again, this time the number of guys had increased and the number of chat apps, selfie pics, and what was in those pics should have been reserved for me but was being sent do no less than 6 guys. Mind you she was being given what I would consider a great life, good environment, being provided for, and what I would consider normal dating and life together. So why she would need this level of validation and attention was beyond me at the time. She never had any remorse, she seemed more upset that I would call off the engagement then what the true devistation was to me or the hurt I felt. I cannot recall in both instances where she genuinely asked me how I felt or anything that would come as the result of someone feeling guilt, remorse, etc.

We did get married and through a course of events bought some property and moved to another state about a mile from her parents down the same road.

While I was going to work, preparing the property to build out house, so what this means is working 8 hours a day, coming home, helping her cook dinner, then heading to the property to work on the land and build the house. I did make time on the weekends to take her on dates, romance, and be a good husband balancing her needs with the work that needed to be done. She was a stay at home wife, this was her choice and what she wanted (though she could not hold down a job). While I was at work she was back at it, online, and actually at an affair. She engaged in unprotected sex, jumped quickly with this guy and was hitting the lake doing the deed every couple of days. What her selection process was is beyond me. When I found out I put a aburpt stop to it, addressed this with her and she was visibly upset. The most upset I have seend her to date at that time. Rolling forward it took about 4 months to work through this together and years to build trust.

Rolling forward to 2017, I started again to find selfies, this time with makeup on, seductive, and more, yet when I came home the makeup was washed off, etc. So I knew soemthing was up. There was never any shame in her game it appears as later I would find selfie pics taken while we were out on dates including selfies taken while out for our anniversary.

January 2018 she started another affair (on my birthday no less), I found out in mid-February, when i confronted her she essentially left that night went to stay with him and that was the end of that. She tried to string me along to get me to pay some of her accumulated bills all while having quickly moved in with this guy.

I filed for divorce in March, seven days later the judge disolved the marriage with adultery as the reason.

The way this all went down left my head spinning, this time she discarded me as I assume her new supply was far enough along. Whereas the other times perhaps she was not that far along in to these. I will say the odd thing is, she played online with single guys more her age, and the guys she chose to have affairs with were older, married or newly seperated. I know she looked to hook them fast on the sympathy card by always texting these guys that I am the abusive ex. I did see all of these text after the fact by obtaining the phone. I assume to make sure the guys would swoop in and by her tall tale.

She had a very easy married life, she chose to stay home as a stay ar home wife. She only had the responsibilities of taking care of the place, things that one would expect with a husband who works, building the house, providng and so forth. Fundamental things she was asked to do she did not, she would forget a lot, could not structure herself, could not organize or plan. She got bored very easily and most days when things would not get done around the place she had been on websites, and eentually online dating sites, dating apps chat apps, and taking pics.

All of the relationship issues stemmed from this behavior and what was a pretty lazy lifestyle. I mean I know my role, I do help, cook, clean etc. Had been independant much of my life, taught all these basics to survive and take care of myself. So to bring someone in to my life where they cannot even handle the basics and let me take up the slack, it was almost as if I was raising a child yet I was suppose to be married to a grown woman.

Well that's the story in a nutshell, there is a lot more obviously, many more behaviors, etc. What really struck me odd was the following:

1. When she was in a mode that appeared to be loving her voice was softer, playful, etc
2. During what I thought was love making her demeanor was that of a porn start, voice was different
3. When she was frustrated she was very quiet

But the one that through me was the night she decided to go stay with new-guy after I confronted her about this affair. Her voice changed, her demeanor changed. She was cold, emotionless, has a different approach. Was to the point. Her voice had no inflection. She was this way torwards me from that day forward up until the divorce was final.

I have not seen her since, I do not speak with her, I have gone no-contact. All of this did devistate me, was suicidal early on as I could not comprehend how she could just constantly be on the prowl or just finally become so cold, caluclated, cruel. At this stage I think I have learned that I am codependant as I should have placed myself at a level of importance and not put her first, taking care of all her deficits, trying to resolve what had no resolution, etc.

Still I am reaching out as I do have my ups and downs and still left confused. If I have posted too much or rambled I do apologize. This is all very fresh, and the wounds seem like they are way too slow to heal. My family does not really understand what I am going through so hard to talk to them about all this.

Thank you for your understanding

-Darkblaez

Hi darkblaez and welcome!  Thanks for sharing your story with us.  You have found a place where a lot of people can't only relate to your story but actually get it. 

You have been through a lot.  You mentioned that you were suicidal at one point. Am I correct in assuming that you have worked your way past that point?  Again, there are many people here who have experienced the same.  We are all at different stages in the healing process but I do want you to reinforce what you already know and have proven to yourself:  It does get better.  Life gets better.  Maybe not right away but over time it will especially as you learn to self-care and learn better ways to interact with others in heathy ways.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and say hello.  I don't normally post on this board but I am sure someone will be along shortly to chat with you.  I will check in on you too!

Hi, Darkblaez.  Welcome! 

It sounds like you really put yourself out there for your ex.  I can relate to how frustrating it feels to care for someone who responds in a confusing way. 


Hugs.     You are not alone!  I hear that your family doesn't get what you're going through.  Is there anyone else in your life you can talk with?  You said you've learned you are codependent.  Did you have help from a therapist coming to that conclusion or is that something you picked up on your own?

Hi Darkblaez, 

Welcome! I'm very glad that you've found us and shared your first post.  |iiii

I can certainly understand how much you're still hurting from your recent divorce. You'll find others here who are also going through the divorce process or who have been through it, struggling to put the pieces of who they care as a person back together again. It takes time, and lots of kindness towards yourself. Can you tell me what you are doing to practice some kindness and self healing for you, such as taking walks, pumping iron and workouts... .what do you like to do?

You mentioned her voice changing. Here is a link we have to some discussion about that:
Speaking in a childlike voice  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142203.0[b)

Regarding her affairs and sexual behavior/selfies etc., here is a link from our site that has some helpful information:

Sexual behavior in Borderline Personality   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279430.0[b)

Keep sharing with you. There is healing in being able to do so.

 
Wools

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and words of encouragement. To answer some of the questions posed.

While at first I was so devastated and distraught I was fully committed to turn out my life switch to include 44 steps in planning to insure everyone was taken care of and all the finer details of procuring casket and prepaid funeral... .I moved past that commitment within a couple of weeks. I realized I have way too much responsibility to if not myself, my dogs and the livestock which the ex abandoned (her final remaining horse). I realized my entire life I have been a very responsible person, and while I so badly wanted the deep hurt, pain, devastation to go away, I'm just too responsible to take an easy path out of existence. But let me say it's not really an easy way out when you consider I'm too responsible where I have to plan everything and insure everything is all wrapped up... .But yes way past that stage and have an entire life ahead of me. One in which I heal, rise up, and will find that spacial someone who appreciates, loves, and cares about me.

As per the question as to how I came about the realization that I am codependent. I think looking at many of my past relationships and what it was I was seeking, I realized that this is a pattern of my own behavior that draws in these individuals. So I would say self-diagnosed based on behavior and what I was doing in each relationship. I realize I do not need to be that knight, that guy that tries to fix or take on other partner's issues. I am worth being able to focus on myself and not to compromise on core values and morals. I hung on relationships that were harmful to myself trying to adapt whereas in all honesty those individuals were broken themselves and not for me to fix. Plus it seems these sorts of individuals can sniff out a codependent better then a bloodhound.

I continue to speak to family but it is hard for individuals to understand this level of devastation based on being in a relationship with someone with BPD. I have Skyped with an individual that has gone through similar things which seems to help. I think for me, being able to discuss in Skype or other mechanism helps to get different perspectives. At some point in time I will stop trying to look at all the angles in so far as what I could have done differently. I think I have concluded nothing would have worked as all I have control over is my own behavior and my ex would have still operated under her faulty wiring and results would have been the same. I am a very logical and analytical person and try to look at every side to a situation. To include being empathetic. Where this goes too far is that I project to understand the situation, for instance the environment my ex grew up in, it is horrible and sad because I experienced both her parents first hand and they are just as much asss now as I can imagine they were then.

There was another question about what am I doing to help help or preoccupy my mind. While sometimes I find myself playing what-ifs or letting the emotions make me cry, these moments are not as long lasting and just short (measured in 10 minutes or less) episodes and then I pick myself up and move on. But to answer the question, I have continued building the home I started. I have accelerated my work on it now that my mind is starting to focus on the future and not the daily chaos. I hope to be living in it by end of May and then progress to the kitchen and bathroom. This has made me much happier. While the design is still the same that my ex and I worked on, the decor, textures, furniture, etc. will all be solely my own.

I have also started working out again. I use to be in the gym 5 days a week but distractions arose because of this relationship. As such I have built a gym room in the house and working out between constructing it. Working out makes me feel so much better and I am back to eating very healthy and taking care of myself.

Likewise I am starting to pick the guitar up again and back in to practicing 1 to 2 hours daily. I had to purchase new equipment because all of my guitars, amps, music production equipment the ex took. Guess my first song ill be, “You put the B in BPD”  :)

Everything you all have said and directed me to helps and continues to put me on the path to healing. I will say I am very glad I found this forum, the kind words, advice, and reassurances has done so much good for my healing.

-Darkblaez

Brilliant!  :)