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I do not care about my BPD ex, I just want to fight this codependency.

I have meet someone new,however I have seen that she has BPD/codependent tendencies. red-flag

I must combat & destroy this enemy within... .or these demonic BPD creatures will keep circling.

Please provide insight... .any information will be much appreciated... .

Please also be aware I seek ANY techniques to help QUICKLY... .(not necessarily fully recovered quickly, just any to help me quickly subdue these codependency. I know I am strong enough to defeat this, I just need support on how.

Cyssero4,

Are you asking for support in becoming less codependent yourself?

If so, I don't think there are 1, 2, 3 steps that will "get rid of it." It's a learned pattern of behavior that likely stemmed from your childhood. It takes time to learn new ways of behaving.

What kinds of behavior is causing you the most concern? If you give us an example, we can work through different approaches with you.

heartandwhole

Hi,

I have co dependency.

I go to alanon.

Another thing for co dependency, you can find an inpatient place, like Betty Ford, or somewhere like that, if you can get a diagnosis, and hopefully have insurance for metal health issues.

Co dependency is a recognized disorder now... .

I have had this since childhood.

Keep coming back here

juju

Look, I realise that I will be meeting new people that I find attractive, I need to to know three fundamental things.

How can I put up boundaries without feeling guilty? (i.e. saying no)

How not to lose my sense of self, when becoming attached to someone?

How can I cut people off without regret? (i.e. not "feeling" uncomfortable being alone, emphasis on the feeling)

In my life I'm focused, successful, I attract beautiful women, but this thing is a torn in my side.

I keep gravitating to high emotionally intense women/relationships... .please advise

What do you think you are getting out of being co-dependent?  Because there are various types of rewards for us in these types of relationships.

I was in a codependent marriage with an alcoholic for just under 20 years.  What did I get out of that?  I had low self-esteem... .my brother was my mother's golden child (no she wasn't BPD but from my point of view there was favoritism).  So what did I get from being married to an alcoholic? I got to be the good person, the responsible one, the one who was capable and did everything.  I got to feel good about myself by having a spouse who had trouble with responsibility, who couldn't manage things well etc.  Literally every relationship I had leading up to and including my marriage, I looked for the troubled boys with good hearts.  I was a caretaker.  I could feel good about being generous and giving to all of them, I could feel like I had it together and they didn't, I could feel equal to or superior to someone else. I was not conscious of doing any of this.

There is no quick fix for co-dependency it takes work to understand it in terms of your own life.  It might be a good time to take a break from dating and focus on yourself for a while.  Because you're right if you don't understand and from that understanding make changes, you like me will repeat patterns.

Good book about Codependency... .
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie

Panda39

Thank you for your feedback,  I mean that sincerely. I don't want to be this way, so I appreciate any information provided.

lots of different types of people will be attracted to you. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

the key to me is identifying what draws you to unhealthy relationships/dynamics. and then to first start being mindful about it, and really notice it (which is a good start) which will help to implement some changes and start the process of gravitating to a healthier model.

i still feel some of those old pulls. i find the healthier i get, the more im taking care of myself, the more i live my values, the less power those pulls have, and the more im pulled in a healthier direction.

put your own feelings first, and dont feel guilty for doing so.

if I happen to do something that hurts someones feeling, i will genuinely apologise.

if you dont want to do something, say no, and dont feel the need to make excuses for it.

perhaps start training yourself on small things, maybe even stuff that you dont actually care too much, but say no to the request anyway, just as a way of not fearing the reaction. part of my codependency traits come from childhood where I never felt that I could say no to my parents as they were very authoritarian. this does carry its way into adult hood and relationships and as heartandwhole says, there is no magic quick fix to undo behaviour which is primordially acquired.

Hello Cyssero4  

I agree with the others that this is a long process.

For me everything began with looking into my childhood. What was there ? I firmly believe we who we are are because of what we lived through as children. Who were our parents ? How did they relate to us ?

For me, I discovered that my mum was BPD - my father NPD. But it doesn't have to be like that for you.

You are asking  for a quick fix, although it's not that easy, I do understand that you wish to solve your problem as soon as possible. Well done btw for seeing that you have this issue ! Most of the people never get this far.

I have been codependent my whole life (I am 39 now). I am not anymore - at least that's what I think. I do still have little tendencies. For me, what helps is asking myself : 'who's problem is this ? Mine ?'

If the answer to this question is 'No, this is the problem of person X, not mine', then I look : is this person X asking for help ? (I do like to help people a lot, still, and I don't see any harm in that, so it's ok for me doing that)

If person X is not asking for help, I will generally do / Say nothing (at least I will try  :-)
If he/she does ask for help, I will first see  how I feel with helping. If I feel compromised, I won't do it. If helping out will make me feel frustrated / out of balance / resentful, I won't. This asks for a little faith in myself, and the knowledge (based on past experience) that no one is helped out if I am resentful upon offering this help. And then usually i try to forgive myself for not wanting to help out.

So to make a long story short, if you want somewhere to start, maybe you can start by seeing : 'Is this my problem ? Or not ?'    I teach my daughter this, and we visualize it : is it my box (problem), or someone else's ?

What do you think ?

sounds interesting Fie, ive became more assertive with people just through realising how dangerous it can become not to be.

but havent really picked up many tips on how to or worse, going to the other extreme, which I can do more often these days.

I like the idea of taking a pause for thought before deciding to instinctivly say yes to things just because you feel that you dont want to let someone else down. one thing that has helped me to create this pause is to attach a bit of humour to it, ill often reply by saying

"hey, well what exaclty is in it for me" with a big smile  :)

then that gives plenty of time to evaluate the request and I can always say "yea, of course ill do it", or if it seems it is a request that actualy isnt what id like to do, the other person then has to take what I said more factually than as a joke, or even interpret it as a friendly way that ive said no to it.

Playmisty is right.  It's all about assertion, self-esteem, and saying NO.  Say No a thousand times a day.  So No and be proud.  Someone ask you for change say No and keep walking.  Focus on yourself first and foremost.  Don't apologize for slight transgressions. Do what you want to do when you want to do it.  There are still things that I won't do because I do have a conscience and a moral compass, but I just got tired of playing "Mr nice guy" and fair when the world is full of inequities.  Of course some of this is in me because I'm still bitter after a woman would do such a thing to me, but this is my take.

So many great thoughts already said... .

Before I learned to say “No”... .
A therapist taught me the phrase, “let me get back to you on that.”

I try to remove myself from a position of making a decision on the spot whenever possible so that I can reflect, without the person in front of my face... .and look inside of myself and what really honors me and what I want to do.

So now I have a lot of phrases that help me to stall from making on the spot decisions... .
Humm, I’m not sure... .  let me think about that.
Humm, I wonder what options there are for this... .
Yes, I can see how you want such and such... .  something doesn’t feel right to me.  What if we revisit this at such and such time?

Putting some time and distance between the person who is “needy” helps me gain my own perspective more clearly.

Oh Fie, thank you so very much this was the type of technique I was speaking of. I understand that these are deep rooted issues however, I just need something to get me by for now... .Bless you

@Cromwell- thank you for your input.


@AnuDay- I feel where you are coming from.

No worries, and get back to us on how you are doing on that one, if you want !

For me there are plenty of examples in daily life. Once I was with somebody I knew and we were crossing the road. I told her 'watch out, a car is coming !'

She said: 'hey, I can see this myself ! I'm not a child'.  Than it slowly dawned on me :-P  I just was overbearing, even troubling people with my 'helping' sometimes, I think. Sometimes they went over my boundaries, and I was displaying codependency, yes. But sometimes I was just nagging people about things they can deal with themselves !

I still have tendencies like that, you know. Even with crossing the road  :)  But I just ask myself : 'is this my problem ?' and then I realize : 'it's not ! my problem is getting to the other side of the road safely. The other person has to do the same'.

It's against my nature really. But life is so much easier and the more you practice, the easier it becomes !

Hi, Cyssero4!   

I hear you're seeking quick results, and with a possible new relationship on the horizon, it makes sense to want to sort things out.


Question (to help with codependency):  What attracts you to this new relationship even though you've noted a few red flags?  What are the red flags?  How have you responded to them so far?

hi

I think something I heard may help.

My older dtr shared w me, how she ended up choosing her husband.  She has had low self esteem, she had been attracting narcissists.

She told me that if she felt a strong reaction, attraction to someone, that was a key that she would not ignore.  That meant she should run from that person. 

She ended up w someone she knew as a friend, for 10 years, and they got married.  She said she did not "feel" a strong attraction to him, and that was her key that he was a healthy person!

She was aware of her condition, ignored the attraction cues.  She went w the opposite.

I was blown away.  She has a loving, generous, kind, hard working guy.  He loves her dearly.

I am very fortunate, and happy she shared this w me.

peace, joy,

juju

Thank you for that information, I have been thinking that I may have to start interacting with people I have zero attraction to.