BPDFamily.com

It's been a year to the week since the proverbial hit the fan with my uBPDex, and many months since I posted anything on this board. So I thought I'd write a few words both to help those struggling, and also to act as a journal entry in effect for my own recovery that I can look back on if I revert to less strong times mentally.

Without question this has been the most painful year of my life. One year ago, almost overnight I became an emotional person. A person who walks along the street and suddenly out of nowhere gets an urge to have an emotional breakdown and cry, and just wants a hug from someone who cares about me. A traumatised person, incapable of maintaining focus on anything, unable to enjoy anything; even fun felt depressing. An inadequate person. An unattractive person. A person afraid to go anywhere near certain parts of London knowing that she had been there. A person who detested himself, where he lived, and his life. A person who is the exact opposite of the person I had always been. A person who blamed himself for everything. Sadly, I became the exact person she wanted me to be.

Even now, one year on, not a day, nor even usually an hour, goes by without me ruminating. Trying to make sense of what happened. How I allowed it to happen. And trying to gain my own closure following the lack of any from her.

Alas, I have now realised that the ruminations are without purpose. Anything I have not yet figured out, will never be figured out. My ruminating is self-perpetuating; for every issue I believe I figure out, another comes along, or I reassess an old issue I've tackled, doubting my previous assessment. It serves no purpose but to prolong my pain.

But one year on, there are changes occurring.

One year on, I still wake up every day and she is the first thing on my mind. However, there are days now when I will find myself thinking about something else, and when I notice, I am shocked. That is progress.

One year on, I find myself being happy again. I can now enjoy fun and good times again.

One year on, I rarely find myself feeling like I am going insane, though there are still times when I'm at my weakest.

One year on, I am regaining perspective and have shed the enormous blame she put on me (this is possibly the biggest step in my recovery and one that should be everyones primary objective early on - IT WAS NOT YOU!). I was blamed for everything. Her cheating. The disgustingly cruel things she said. Everything. It was all my fault. It took me about 10 months to begin to see things clearly. To recognise what she had done, and what I had done, and to see the imbalance.

One year on, I have spoken to many people who have told me how nice I am. I have met other girls since, and we have no problems. And I can now look back to the 5 year relationship I had before meeting my uBPDex and I can remember a happier time. I can now sometimes feel what it was like to be in that happy relationship, and contrast it to the insanity of my last one. In this I find a target for the future.

One year on, my incessant ruminating has achieved some other goals. I now have an idea of why it is she behaved the way she did and does. I see now that her change to hating me almost overnight was very certainly at least in part because of the shame she felt for her utterly abhorrent behaviours, and in order to avoid feeling awful she denied, blamed, and projected everything on to me. It is her toxic and selfish defence mechanisms that will never change. I can also now see how she showed me glimpses of this at regularly intervals throughout the relationship, but always pulled me back in because I still served a purpose.

One year on, she still views herself as the victim. In her last message to me she said "I will never forgive you", to which I asked her to tell me what she had to forgive me for; she never replied. It is all about blame shedding. How her viewing herself as the victim is possible, only someone completely devoid of reason and integrity, and utterly incapable of self-reflection can know. It has much more to do with the preservation of her fragile ego, than it does on the upholding of reality.

One year on, peace has been found in the knowledge that this has much less to do with me, and far more to do with her own issues. The pleasure she takes in destroying me is indicative of the resentment she feels towards her own life, and that to destroy someone who is charismatic, popular, and successful (all the things she isnt) was a huge achievement to her, and boosted her ego immeasurably. But it is a tragic truth, and one that will be added to what must be a long list of resentment filled chapters in her life.

One year on, does it still hurt? Yes. But not as much. Perhaps what hurts most now is that I am still hurting, whilst she has been over it for months. Possibly even a year. The injustice is difficult to handle, I must admit.

One year on, I find comfort in knowing that I am a better person, this of all the things has brought me the most comfort, and is the biggest step in my recovery. I will have a happier life than her.

One year on, the toxicity of her lies, deceit, false promises, insanity, cruelty, and blame shifting is slowly leaving my life. And finally, I can feel it.

One year on, I can see that any desire I have to be with her, or seek comfort in her, is simply a result of a trauma bond, and has nothing to do with love or healthy bonding.

One year on, there is progress.

I am no where near fully recovered. But there is hope for the future.

If you're a year out, or at the early stages, it does get better. But it is a damn hard slog that you're just going to have to work through. As I am still. But try not to be angry at yourself for not getting better sooner. I am and have been. But these things take time, and a lot of it! For me, finding perspective, and shedding the blame has been the most important thing.

Try to think of a happier time in your life before you met them, and make that your target for the future.

Good luck.

thank you so much for that. very useful for me as im 7 months no contact and it feels like you have read my own journal and posted it.

i feel my recovery is becoming exponential in direct relation to how much support ive reached out for.

a year on and its interesting to me to see that there is some residual stuff you still try to shake off. I know I will never forget this experience but I do feel that as my life goes forward it will become more of a past, sort of just a blip on a line curve when you average out a life time.

naturally if i would have never left, it would look a lot different. I would have had less stress being a day-trader on the futures market.

ive stopped the rumination as you say, it was what really kept me in the fog the most. trying to decipher what is not decipherable.

the anger has gone, but was critical to embrace it as a way of moving forward. there is nothing to "avenge" what she did to me, it was the actions of a sad, pitiful person locked in her own despair that I would feel only guilty to have reacted to. despite huge provocation.

from what i read a lot here is the common theme of feeling "robbed" of time of our lives by investing so much emotion into someone, where it appears now to have been an entire waste of time.

id disagree in that the amount of love I gave to my ex is not something that can be quantified. it didnt just dissipate. I gave it freely and as a result im able to do the same to someone else as long as I dont let this experience allow myself to become as jaded as she already was.

its also helped me to recognise the signs of people out there that I will give a wide-berth to and not allow myself so quick to get emotionally involved or a caretaker to other peoples problems. perhaps the experience will actually enhance and make more positive the future relationships i now look forward to. regardless of that, I feel it has made me a stronger person and by seeking out help such as these boards is also part of learning to accept that I had more care and support from complete strangers than the person I had idolised as being the sole source of my happiness.

thank you for posting that it is very inspiring to me at this time im going through. you seem very insightful and have come to terms with what has happened and have managed to turn your life around. there was a time I started to lose hope as much as my own sense of sanity that id ever find a way out, its been a scary time and ive learned to deal with 'fear' as an emotion too, much of the monster I saw in her turned out to be a frightened little child.

at the same time, ive learned that although she set out to induce a great deal of torment on me intentionally, it was my own reaction to it that in many ways made myself my own worst enemy.

again thanks for your journal, if i had to guess what she "cant forgive you" for... .

that you saw through her games and in doing so, revealed her true self for what she really is.

the craziness really accelerated into full swing the more my ex realised she was becoming less of a mystery to me.

good luck for your future, you deserve far better.  |iiii

Elmurr,

I'm happy for you. This is a great testament to the journey toward recovery. Thank you for the inspiration today. I think it's so important for members to see that things really DO get better, and that life can be joyful and have meaning again.

Like you, at one year out, I was feeling better. I wasn't out of the woods—there was lots of growth yet to come—but I was feeling better than in the early months after the breakup.

Everyone is on their own timetable, so time markers are individual. I think the point is that if we take the reins of our recovery and commit to our growth and happiness, things change, and life gets better.

If someone had told me that a couple months out, I wouldn't have believed it, or even cared. Now, I can see that I was at the very lowest point, and not seeing clearly.

Thanks for sharing. I hope that your life will continue to expand in joy and peace.

heartandwhole

Playmistyforme
Will leave that there.
One day, I hope to make a post like that.
Thank you.

Hello Elmurr. I visited here a few days ago after a long time away. Mostly sadness as I read my own story over and over. I’ve been two years fully out, though it started almost year before. Yours is an encouraging story.

Mine was awful the first year. I had brought the swirl of emotional chaos with me; made the mistake of having limited contact, and, carried huge residual guilt for having failed to help “fix” her.  But, it does change, even when we refuse to believe it’s possible. It’s the little things that we might not even notice, the small steps that give hope. PROGRESS! I had come out thinking I was a failure, confused, lost; useless to anyone. I didn’t want to be with her, but I had brought her with me! However, the fog eventually starts to clear; small glimpses of clarity show up as we sort through the chaotic swirl of emotions and encoded behaviors we learned.
  
PEOPLE. GREAT! I found that healthy relationships with others were cathartic and empowering for regaining my sense of self. I had withdrawn from friendships for the absurd reason that it was a trigger. A friend called recently after I had dinner with him and his wife telling me she was almost startled at how relaxed, outgoing and open I was. “Quiet me?” I had learned to subdue, check myself and watch every word around others in the former life…same da*m trigger.

LAUGHTER! I began finding myself laughing again with others. Whoa…hello? Who is that! In the former life I rarely express having a good day or joking with others; it was a trigger.

CONFIDENCE! My employer recently remarked. “You have this bias action for action lately I never knew you had. Keep doing it”.  In the former life I had slipped into being pensive; indecisive and fearful of making a wrong decision, any decision; or pushing people for fear of conflict. Another trigger.

I didn’t do anything…it just started to get better without me noticing.

I knew I had passed the final milestone about a year ago while visiting Devon. It was a warm spring morning and I was in in a garden having coffee, scones and cream. When the phone rang I let it go into v-mail (it was late night where I live). The old heart pounding anxiety didn’t fire up. I deleted the message and had good day. I was free.

Life is hard…part of the human condition, right? But over time as that fog clears we can begin to put the old memories and habits where they belong; in the rubbish bin. And learn from them, use them to our advantage, grow…maybe into something new and better.

I have nothing but gratitude now for what I have been given coming out of those hard years. I don’t blame her. I genuinely want her to be happy. There were very good things that came out of that relationship. There is still difficulty and hardship, but life is worth living.

I was in the UK for the new year and walking along the Thames. Stopping to look at Cleopatra’s Needle, I stared at the obelisk contemplating life, the sweep of time, civilizations, my insignificant life and the utter blessing of who had brought me there. I had to choke back the tears. GRATITUDE.  Lester Burnham’s quote at the end of the dark film “American Beauty” came to mind. I had made it my own long ago but never really believed it…

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure, but don't worry, you will someday.”

I’m so sorry to have run on, but I’m encouraged for you and hope that others will know your lead. It gets better.

I just really intended to say, Thanks... .YOU CRACK ON BRO.

Hi, Elmurr!   

Thanks for chiming in with this positive message.  It sounds like you've come a long way in the last year.  Congratulations on slogging through!


Would you care to share a bit more about the direction you see yourself going in?  What are you hopeful for?

Thank you to everyone for your messages. Sorry in advance for the length of this post.

Whilst the past year has been the most painful in my life, it has also been the year in which my eyes were opened. It has been the year in which I found out who I am. I didn't even know what "finding yourself" meant before I was forced to. Literally not a clue. I just happily floated through life, reacting and behaving how I always had, and believing that more or less everyone around me was experiencing life the same way. I assumed the same things upset everyone the same way, and that my perspective was the one we all shared. It is very enjoyable living life that way, but sooner or later, you meet someone who gives you that wake up call. That's what happened to me.

One of the biggest steps in my recovery has been understanding who I am, how I interact with the world, and realising that others' experiences and perspectives in life are often different to my own.

I had always been level headed, believed my life was great, and believed that I was great most of the time. I obviously had insecurities that I was covering over, but I was certainly not insecure (I didn't even know what being "insecure" meant!). I enjoyed public speaking, having a good time, had a large friendship group that I'd known for many years, had an amazing girlfriend and was very happy. I was adventurous and happy alone too. I was probably a bit arrogant; narcissistic potentially but not personality disordered by any stretch (though I was left questioning that for a long time), but at the same time always accepted responsibility, even when it wasn't my fault, always felt bad if other people were upset (particularly women), but similarly maintained a very high degree of level-headedness and didn't have much time for those who didn't seem to have a grasp on life, or their emotions. I was unemotional on the whole, but not devoid of emotion - I'd still get a tear in my eye if I watched a particularly sad film. I sought out excitement, got bored fairly easily, and clearly couldn't resist the lure of what I considered an attractive woman, especially one who stroked my ego. Basically I was a twenty-something guy that had had it fairly easy.

I never said things I didn't mean. Still don't. I find it hard to fall in love, and I cannot tell someone I love them if I don't. It took the best part of a year, maybe longer, to tell my previous girlfriend that I loved her, and for her to say the same to me. But at the same time, I wanted someone to fall madly in love with me.

There was never much intimacy, or love for that matter, displayed by my parents (they'd be the first to admit that), and had I not had my two brothers with less than 3 years between us, I would probably have really struggled in life. Clearly, underneath it all, I was a guy who wanted someone to give me the affection I'd never really had.

What I was, was a perfect target.

I loved the attention, and because I believed people only told people what they actually thought, believed it when I was showered with affection and words of love. Similarly, coming from a family with three boys in which I was the target for all my mums emotions, made me bond very quickly with someone who is emotional. I rarely cried when I was younger, but whenever I saw my mum cry that was it, I would well up and get a lump in my throat. And I only ever saw her cry because of things I believed to be my fault.

I can see now that it was only a matter of time before an emotional girl came into my life. In fact I believe that I ended things with my long term girlfriend who was literally one of the best human beings I've ever met because she wasn't emotional enough and that for me didn't feel like the template for love that I had grown up with from my mum: it wasn't emotional enough; it never made me cry.

When R came along, that all changed. For a long time I kept her at arms length because I knew she was bad news. But slowly, as the words of affection sunk in, and the amazing sex and extremely emotional interactions tightened the bond, I found myself unable to escape. Here was someone who gave me the same emotions as my mum had when I saw her cry. Stupidly, I interpreted those emotions to mean that we had something special. She awoke in me a feeling I hadn't felt since my relationship with my mum when I was young. But at the same time I knew it wasn't right so kept my wall up.

This wall only had the affect of worsening R's emotional state, making her attempts to hold on to me even more intense, and so began the suicide threats, the stalking, the threats to destroy me, the pregnancy threats and everything else. She would push me to the limit and I would tell her "I can't do this anymore, we need to break up" and she would then sleep with someone and rub it in my face and say "you made me do it by breaking up with me!". The effect of this was two fold: I blamed myself, and the triangulation made me want to fight for her.

Because of my lack of understand of human nature, and myself (and self respect when it comes to women!), I found the fact that someone apparently cared so much, flattering. Mix that in with the words of absolute adoration that followed the threats and I was back in. Before I knew it we'd had the best sex I'd ever had and I was scratching my head asking "did she threaten to kill herself last night, or did I imagine it?". And so began the downward spiral of confusion and pain.

It was a poisonous relationship that had no antidote.

Eventually she left me after 3.5 years without a care in the world. I was left completely confused, betrayed, and literally drowning in blame and self-hatred. Any attempt to contact her and she would get a restraining order on me. If I was nice to her I was pathetic, and if I was cruel I "proved her right". I was left a shadow of my former self who underwent months of therapy to deal with PTSD. I only then found out about BPD.

What does this have to do with my recovery?

Well, what you have just read is my "clarity". It is the result of a year of hard introspection, therapy, rumination, and realisation that I have worked so hard for over the course of the past 12 months, and through this I have been able to:

1. understand how I ended up in that situation and why I stayed so long
2. understand what actually was going on during the relationship
3. relieve myself of the intense blame I had for the whole thing
4. like myself again, and
5. find my closure.

For me, you cannot move on until you can get your own clarity on what, why, how, and the role you and your partner played. I found my closure in that. And it is HARD. I would get moments where I felt that clarity, but then self doubt would wash over it. So I had to run over and over the same ground, until one day, not long ago, it actually started to stick; "I am a decent person!". Maybe I was a jerk sometimes, but I was never abusive.

Things I did that helped me achieve the above were making notes on my phone, and in a journal, any time something came into my head that made me feel that "clarity" and whenever I felt it slipping I looked back at them. These included:

1. A list of things that I will never have to do again.
- In this list were things such as:
"You will never again be told 'I'm going to kill myself and everyone will blame you, and I hope it eats you up everyday' by someone who tells you they love you."
"You will never be cheated on and told about how much better that person is than you, and stand for it ever again"
"You will never be lied to about someone having cancer in order to manipulate you to breaking up with them so they can cheat on you and blame you"
(Basically being specific about the horrible things you had done to you that you know you will never have to go through again). Finished with the words, "So relax, be happy, and enjoy your life".

2. A list of compassionate truths about myself and the relationship
- I called this list the "Chuck it in the F*ck-It Bucket" list and it included anything that makes you feel better about yourself, like:
":)on't be angry at yourself for it taking so long to get over. What she did was utterly disgusting and you need to time to get better, and lots of it"
"It is entirely to do with her past. Not you."
"Normal relationships don't leave you feeling like this. She was not normal."
"Remember how happy you and J were. Find that again, that's your goal now. It's just around the corner and now you have the opportunity to be happy again"
"You want someone healthier. Happier. Who brings joy to your life. Not misery and anxiety. That person is looking for you too."

3. "When Ruminating" list
- I also made a list of positive things to think about when I start ruminating about the relationship and need a quick go-to topic that makes me feel happy again to focus on. This can include anything good in your life. For me, it included my brother and his girlfriend having a baby in a few months, my brothers guitar playing, the happiness I felt in my past relationships that I know I will find again. Basically whatever is positive in your life that you just jump to when painful ruminations take over. It helped me.

The number one goal of all of this is to realise that this person does not deserve your love, and that you deserve better. And not just to say it in your head, but to actually FEEL it and BELIEVE it! Until you can see this person for who they really are, and not this amazing god-like angel that you have become obsessed with, then you can't move on.

I still need to refer to those lists now, even add to them sometimes. But it is honestly getting fewer and farther between.


So now I have my clarity for the most part, what's left now is the residual issues: dysphoria, uncertainty, fear of the future and rebuilding my life.

My sexual attraction to her is still present and I doubt I will ever feel that chemistry again. That does still hurt a bit. Physically she was beyond perfect. And that hurts, but you do eventually realise that your happiness is far more important.

These relationships leave you in a rut. My problems now do not so much relate to her, as to me having to pick up the pieces and rebuilding my life to where I want to be. I now need to be the person I want to be. The person that the relationship allowed me not to look at or work on.

I need a fresh start now, and it's scary. I have spent so long cocooned in a bubble of rumination, self doubt, and sadness, that that has become my "safe place". It's become the norm. I also find myself annoyed for the past, and for being so affected. But you either carry on being affected by it, or you get on with sorting it out! Sadly the former is easier, but you need to actively choose the latter.

These relationships leave you emotional, and fearful, and when you get to a point and you start to begin to get that clarity, you're left with the uneasy knowledge that now you need to take action and step into the unknown with your life. To "MOVE ON".

Moving on from something that has so consumed you for so long is scary. Part of you doesn't want to let go of the familiar, no matter how bad it is. The negative tapes that you're so used to play in your head, like, "what if I never meet someone", "I need to find someone NOW and settle down", "they've left me behind and I must not be left behind", "can I do this alone".

The reality is, now I need to take that step into the unknown because NOTHING can be worse. And it's scary.

My friends have partnered up for the most part. Are having children. And people tell me, don't you think it's time to settle down. But my mind is telling me that now is the time when I need to live! The temptation to desperately hunt out a new relationship is huge, but it hasn't served me well. I don't want to seek a relationship, I want it to happen naturally, and wallowing in my own problems will get me no where. Besides, better to be single now than divorced in 10 years time because you rushed into something that wasn't right.

So, in answer to your question, Insom, the direction I see myself going is to finally move on from this terrible chapter in my life. To rebuild myself and pursue my dreams. And the next step is to break free from the shackles of fear that this relationship has left me in.

And I'm working on it right now:

Last year I cancelled a trip to Bali because I couldn't bare to be alone. So in May I have a one way flight to Mexico.
I am going to the gym every day.
I am finally developing the property I live in, with works due to start in the Summer.
I am looking to move to somewhere new when I return from Mexico.
I am considering a month in Spain to improve my Spanish whilst the building works are going on.
I am considering doing a course in something that I have wanted to do for years when I get back.

I doubt myself every day. But not so much anymore.

After all, what exactly am I afraid of? When you've been through hell, it can only get better.


Elmurr

Hi Elmurr   

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Yes, a pwBPD's condition seems to always happen before relationships even exist. We have responsibilities, but it seems that we nons either blow them out disproportionally or take none at all.   :)

Yes, the pain eventually subsides. I hope you're enjoying your newfound peace.

Yes, it feels unjust when the partner doesn't seem to be hurting when it seems like they've inflicted pain on others. Don't forget that your partner is probably stuck in the same cycle after cycle but you're probably wiser from the experience. In the same way the pain changes for you, you might find this sense of injustice may come to a sense of justice.  :)

I hope you're enjoying your peace.

I liked this part a lot at the time im at now

":)on't be angry at yourself for it taking so long to get over. What she did was utterly disgusting and you need to time to get better, and lots of it"

Its been 7 months and although I feel proud for getting on with life in a pragmatic sense, I still feel this strange feeling of why am I even still thinking of this person. The thinking has changed from what it was, but I wonder if this will ever end.

You show a very independent mind not to be comparing yourself to other peoples lives. It was very easy for me to do when I was in my 20s, there is a lot of pressure from many angles to live the sort of life expected. I often think "what if I had said yes and married this person, had kids by now, the mortgage, the 9-5"

your young, enjoy your life in your 20s. I dont have a clue how I would have dealt meeting my ex in my 20s, I have the feeling after the honeymoon phase and the strange stuff starting, it would have been along the lines of;
 "what the heck, ! your crazy, cya! x" and I would have been spared a lot of agony.

I was more in tune with my feelings about people then, as I got older I dampened these downs, trying to "think" about things rather than go with how I felt about a person. I feel I became more compassionate to other people, not just "throw the baby out with the bath" like I did when I was younger, as I felt guilty of girls I dropped just because I didnt feel they were fun or right for me.

Listen to your intuition and feelings. I blocked mines out with drugs during a difficult time, thats when I met her. As I got better, those red flags couldnt be ignored anymore and those feelings I had to confront and feel and ultimately deal with hadnt evaporated, they all came in a flood - 3 years worth.

Like you said, the time its going to take to get better is in relation to how much didnt get resolved when it should have.

im confident you will use this experience to go forward in life as I and others will. thanks for another inspiring post.

Hey Elmurr thanks for your posts, I found them illuminating and inspiring, you have clearly wrapped your head around this experience and expressed it so well.

I'm 6 months into this and 5 months NC after an 18 month relationship. I just wanted to add a couple of breakthrough moments for me on the path to recovery, I'm not recovered but I feel infinitely better than I did in the madness of the early months.

The first breakthrough for me was learning to trust myself. I had spent days and weeks and months constantly challenging my decision to end it, explaining it all to my emotional self which was desperate to reach out to her. Logic always won in the end but it was exhausting having to replay it all endlessly. I got to a point where I realised that I was disrespecting myself, my past self. I had made the right decision, it had stood up to months of being challenged - I didn't need to replay it any more I trusted myself. As soon as I believed this my head moved on and it was the end of the darkest phase.

The second was something that came back to me from very early in the relationship and it helped my shed some of the guilt that I was left with. She had picked the venue for our second date, it was a low key acoustic gig not at all her thing. During the evening a guy came over and he looked utterly broken he said hello to my date, she introduced me, she put her arm around me, and was very cold to him. I was struck at the time by how pathetic he seemed and how strange the encounter was. That encounter I realise was engineered by her, she was using me to punish him. It also reminded me how strange she was about us becoming friends on facebook right from the beginning, before we even met - she was playing him. For me reality finally sunk in, the merry go round was already turning before I came along, I jumped on for a bit and got spat out, there was nothing unique about our love or our dynamic it was just her life, this is what she did. Right from the very beginning she was manipulating me and using me, in this case to hurt someone else. While I was blissfully thinking how lovely my date is she was in an entirely different and darker place. The darkness we experience has nothing to do with us nons this is not something we are involved in, it is something that is done to us by people that have been damaged, they are someone's victim, we are their victims. The only thing we are guilty of is being vulnerable enough to fall for it.

Sorry about the rambling message, I've been reading this board for months and I am extremely grateful to everyone for their posts. They have helped me so much, I dont like to think where I would be without the understanding that this site had brought. When I ended my relationship I knew nothing about BPD and thought I was going out of my mind.

Take Care

springtimecoming,
Wonderful.   |iiii I think you can look forward to a lot more of this in the future.

Great observation. Well done on getting out of that area. Building a trust of our sense of self again afterward isn't a small feat. Thank you for sharing this.   :)

Enjoy your peace.  :)

Elmurr, Thank you so much for your great posts here.

I'm not a native English speaker, I wouldn't have been able to put my feelings, experiences, hopes and desires in such good words as you did - thank you again.

Good luck, fun and love for the future

a fellow from Hamburg