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I dunno if many are the same and I think mine has more then just BPD but the man she cheated and left me for was a shock in itself. Everyone was shocked that she would even be interested in this guy on an attractive level but also just from my side he is 100% diff to anyone she's dated and the way she always spoke about who was hot and not but she is 35 without kids, possibly can't have them and now with a guy who has 2 young kids. How would one go with that being BPD and npd in my view?

the less attractive the new victim is, the less likely they fear that they will abandon them.

no one can give any crystal ball outlook for how it will go without knowing what type of guy she as found.

there will be the "idealisation" phase, then once he does anything that shatters this, it will be the usual downward / upward rollercoaster until she finds the next one, or retreats backwards. depends how big her supply list is. dont be surprised to see her number come up on your phone months down the line.

She found a guy at work who just left his wife and has 2 kids, I hear he is pushover type and she is controlling so she would love that, he isn't attractive man at all but is smart and in higher up position. I know over time she struggled with that with me as I am 5 years younger and got frustrated with how self centered she was but she did always seem overly jealous and worry I would get different girls no matter what I said.

Even though she lied to the last day when she cut me off and threaten cops Coz I was onto her lying and cheating, it's been 4 months since I've heard a peep from her and she blocked me on everything so I don't think I'd ever hear from her again with how badly she made it all end and it happened quick from only month before it she was saying how I was the love of her life. I couldn't imagine if I haven't heard from  her by now that she would ever contact me again? She also sometimes works around my area so maybe once every few weeks I see her but she won't even look. Acts like I don't exist but I don't try engage either.

Are they crazy enough to try and contact you months and months later and come up with lies and sorrys to try suck u back in? I couldn't imagine it but guess I dunno how their mind works.

Gunite don’t take it personally is this new guy is ugly or lesser in your eyes ,it has nothing to do with you.My now ex BPD gf was drop dead gorgeous and the men I found out she was with were disgusting people both in appearance/hygiene and social skills(drug users/booze heads ). They go for low hanging fruit usually right after a decent person they broke up with or in my case I left her.They do this for control and know the changes these types will leave them is slim to none.It will happen regardless but take much more time for it to happen giving them that blanket of security they need for longer times.

I have not been through a recycle stage per say like many here,when I broke up with my gf the first time she contacted me because she was pregnant with what I’d like to think was my child(never know with them).With that said will yours come back maybe /maybe not but why would you want that for yourself? So that she does it again at a later date further hurting you ? Doing more damage? These ppl are not capable of true love so best move on from them and heal.

xW left me after three decades for a woman who looks like her father.

Go figure... .

The relationship before me she was with a guy for 11 years but overlapped with me and then overlapped with this new guy. She is so selfie I'm shocked she wanted a guy with kids. I don't want her to come back. I know this guy earns well and is smart but looks wise I'm shocked! Maybe becuase how she spoke about people and looks all the time. Judged me on girls I found attracted. Guess we just never know how their mind works. I know he is safer bet for her and he will be easier to manipulate and control. They hate criticism and I did criticis her bit about being self absorbed and double standards, everything was on her terms, lied alot. This a BPD thing or more narcissist thing...

What find hard to understand is they have abandoned issues but if your with them and both appear fairly happy and always telling them you love them why do they feel need to cheat and leave you? They not feel next guy will make them feel the same. Very random

Absolutely believe it, and prepare for it.

She may or may not. but they can and do turn up again, like mines did 6 months later and act like nothing had ever happened. Its called ho0vering and if you look across this board you will find hundreds of instances of it happening.

6 months is a time-span that I keep noticing again and again with some sort of regularity. from my own experience there may be some way to explain it, I believe it can be very crudely looked as about 2 months idealisation of the new person, honeymoon period, month 3 and 4 is good times, still mirroring, but there are already cracks starting to appear and feeling of engulfment and boredom setting in. month 5 is the roller coaster down and beginning to paint black because the other hasnt lived up to the "disney fantasy" they were expected, month 6 is getting the phone out and finding the next one, or a former one that is ready to be charmed back in.

Although I know she cheated on both partners, she was with her ex for 11 years and left me after year and half so only reason why couldn't see her contacting me again after 6 months or do you mean they do this to cheat? Not necessarily leave their new victim?

if she was with you for that length of time and it ended very sour, with a common theme of involving the police and legal system to validate how they have painted you black, then Im more inclined to say she wont likely get in contact.

i think (without knowing either of you) it  sounds it would be far easier to find a new victim. im just saying when it comes to borderlines, never assume they wouldnt try again if the circumstances are there, it is not so much through shamelessness but an impulsivity in dealing with their emotions at the time. it all depends on who is available at the time to meet those needs.

im only saying from my own experience they can disappear, cut all contact completley, yet resurface again as if nothing ever happened. (although in my case, the circumstances of her leaving was not on bad terms) which did make it strange that she did it in the first place. but i guess she found a favourite person and didnt want or need me at the time to possibly get in the way.

the biggest pressure factor ive discovered that they get back in contact is when they have been discarded from a relationship that has irreversibly failed and are raw and hurting from these intense feelings of abandonment. mines was very depressed, had put on substantial weight and seemed soul less. very different from the person before she disappeared with no regard as to how i might feel about it (i wasnt actually too bothered, but slightly upset as I did like her in the 3 months i knew her prior to doing this).

the only way I feel I can answer your question is to say, i think based on how well she knows you and it ended up on bad terms, painted black, that you would be less of a person she would try than finding a new victim who is naive to what type of person she is.

I coulda wrote this myself. My Borderline EXGF just got herself hooked up with an IV Drug user who has quite a few arrests and was just in December arrested on a warrant from another state literally weeks after they met. It'll be interesting to see how this goes. I assume once he is sentenced for that old warrant I assume Ill be hearing from her.

I agree that I think she would more likely go back to her other ex bf she was with longer and ended on better terms. It only went bad with us as I knew she was lying and cheating so I became angry and questioned her and she got defensive and then things go nasty.

It was just really shocking Coz she is 35, good stable high paying job, seems professional for most part. Then you never realise this other side to them or that even being lied to so much and then the evil that comes out when they are done with you. How someone can show love and bit of obsession for so long and then within weeks of cheating be completely different person and not want you in their life anymore. I know some of that was because I was onto her but fact she did it anyway is shocking enough. Think coming to term with everything they tell you appears to be bs.

Everywhere I read it seems BPD don't have long rels, but she had 11 year one though I know she cheated on him couple times, me being one of them. Then cheated on me but lasted year and half.

Way ex bf spoke he said they had a pretty good relationship but she is liar, mood swings, angry, manipulative person with sociopathic tendencies. He was more of push over type then me.

Do they seem to just keep a main guy and cheat on side and only leave the main person if they find someone who can cater to all their needs better? Guy she with now was in marriage breakdown so he would have been valuable.

Mine left me for two women.  Both married.  One his soul mate (in 3 days of meeting he decided they were soul mates), the other a woman he had previously had an 18 month affair with.  To my knowledge he's not with either of these women now.  But I'm sure he's with someone, he's too charming not to be, but I've not asked anyone.

Until he met me, EVERY single relationship in the years before me was with married women.

He openingly admitted to me that he was drawn to broken or desperate women.  Perhaps this was because he never had to commit to them or have them commit to him.  He could live in this fantasy world.

Looking back now, he was still friends with all his exes and would always "like / comment" on every single one of these women's social media posts".  But told me not to tag him in anything as it was too complicated between him and his ex wife (because of his son).  I believed him.

This reminds me of something my ex said early on in our relationship. We were laying in bed next to each other and she said "I wish you weren't so handsome." I laughed and thanked her and asked her what she was talking about. She told me that she had always preferred guys who were less attractive than her because then she felt she had more power in the relationship. I told her I thought we were a good match. It was a very bizarre conversation at the time, but it all makes sense now. I wouldn't be surprised if she was with some ogre now.

Yeah mine was having affairs, me being one of them. She also didn't want me on her fb as a friend or follow her but she would use messenger ect to chat or stalk me. I once saw a glimpse of her private chat in instagram and there was a long list of private chats.so many red flags I just ignored stupidly. Also believed so much crap about being soul mates and thought we would end up together when she sorted her stuff out but little did I know how disordered she was.

Exactly the same Gunit1.  He was NEVER off his phone.  Always online on whatsapp and facebook, his last seens would often be in the middle of the night while I lay sleeping next to him, and I knew that two of his ex affair partners live in a different time zones, oh why did I not see the signs back then.  I never knew who he was chatting with.  I am assuming now women.  He was always very private with his phone but would pick mines up and got seriously offended if I commented on it.

Yeah when try think back to convos some stuff they say are random. Im pretty sure mine slept with her rich boss too. When I asked she was vague and then took bit long to say no I haven't but I do what I need to for my job and to work up... .That's not how I would respond.

Worst thing is I just feel I was used as side affair. All things she said were fake and realise the time u spent with them was a mass lie and a waste. Prob thing most had to get through. I can't diagnose her but when u add it all up they have to be more then just toxic people. Has to be some time of disorder to do the things they do. Like I'll take ages to get rid of my feelings, only took her 5min once slept with next guy.

I've just read your story Gunit1.  I wanted to before I responded.  I relate completely to this.  I have no idea if he loved me.  I think at some point he did.  But I believe this Gunit1 and you have to too.  The worse they treat you or paint you black, I think the more they care about you.  My ex has cut everyone from his life now, even his sick mother, all the people who have realised what he is and want him to get help.  The superficial ones who are happy to tolerate their behaviour remain on pedestals.  His social puppets so to speak.

One of his friends said to me, don't try to put your head on his shoulders as he doesn't think like the rest of us.   Try and do this with your ex.  They don't think like us.

Yeah sometimes I do think that as she showed it so much but then she also said she loved her ex at time to and cheated on both. Not sure if that's really love or just their idea of love. Love to them isn't same as love to us. I thought her thought process was so normal and said needs to decide what best direction in life for her is before leaves her bf. Turns out all just fibs to by her time to have her cake too. She prob thought I'd always leave her being younger I dunno.
Just annoying how in full rel with the replacement and acting all happy but u only hear what they say, I find ppl like her who have to keep saying how things are going to random ppl months later are just trying to convince themselves

Don't let yourself believe that she is happy.  Someone said to me on here once, times what you are feeling by 100 and that is how they feel everyday.  And I agree if someone has to keep saying they're are happy to the people they hurt, it's not real.  Funny my ex emailed me last week to tell me his life was better.  When I said good I was happy for him.  He followed up with an email telling me he had a sh!tty paying job blah blah blah... .like looking for sympathy... .which I never responded too.

Oh she more tells work people but they actually don't like her Coz they know the truth. But also how found out more lies and things that happened as they saw it. She tells the same people she told me she doesn't like how their relationship is going good ect. Just think she justifys it. She hasn't spoken word to me since blocked and threaten cops. All Coz I said id tell her other bf everything Coz she was being so evil to me I wanted pay back and to hurt her she used that and said I was the abusive one haha but her lying cheating and treating u like nothing nah that's all OK.

Yeah I agree. Think just coming to terms with fact you were kinda with a fake person. Doesn't seem real. They still look real when u see them and u think what the heck and how did u turn and change so much but that was always them. We just got the fake person.

Wonder why they sometimes have affair partners like me who thought they would leave but then don't and then leave their bf for someone totally random. There must be something they need that person to have to commit more to them, not that I ever think they fully commit...

My uBPDxbf has a "white knight" complex and targets single moms, and older women in failing relationships. He cheated on me with a single mom with a severely disabled son, and at least three women (all with children) separated from their husbands. One of them ended up as my replacement, and two of them went back to their husbands.

He chooses women who he feels will be grateful for his crumbs of love. I was six years older than him, and coming out of a long term relationship, and he repeatedly told me how I should "feel lucky" to have him when I was "old" and "not that pretty" and he has "so many other options".

WOW!  My ex also targeted women older than him and played the white night with his charisma and charm.  I am 5 years younger than him, no ties, no children, never married, financially secure.  He told me I was everything he dreamed off.  I think he wanted to use one of the woman he cheated with me on as my replacement, I don't know if he has, she's married.

It's astounding how similar.  My ex also told me when we ended that (despite being younger), I was old and ugly, I would never meet anyone else, sex with me made him feel sick... .and things a lot worse than that.

Mine went for married guy going through a breakdown and wanting to work at it before she came along

Oh and he's also a psychologist... .Doesn't practice it though but it seems cluster bs can even trick these ppl

I’m not shocked, as my boundaries were too much for her before it all even began. I wouldn’t give up all of my private info, my friends, etc. She wouldn’t constantly put unprotected sex out there, and I told her there’s absolutely no way I’ll agree unless we both get tested. I’m a doctor in training (definitely NOT considering psychiatry after all this ). The guy she’s with now I believe is a cashier at an office supply store, but there has to be more than one guy (I haven’t kept tabs).

Are they smart enough to know your not the best option yet, so they’ll wait it out to when your in a better place, as in practicing VS. training in my case?

Hopefully she won’t come back, Especially since she thought I was dying

Wow I saw mine today with her new guy... She is 35 and looks good for her age and he looks 45 and yeah not at all what I thought type would be, not to be mean but looks like could be her dad almost. Do BPD chicks like older men? Father types like he has kids and newly divorced. She always had issue me being younger and thought I'd go off with another girl

Same Gunit. My exBPDbf always made comments on me being younger than him, by 5 years, I don't class that as younger to be honest.  But he always said "you like older men?".  He ALWAYS went for older women.  Damaged women, affairs etc... .The only ex I know who was younger than him was his ex wife, and he openingly said he should never have married, he never loved her and only stayed as she fell pregnant early on in their relationship.  I found some writing of his that said and I quote "I'm a marriage wrecker... .I don't want to be this guy ... .I read the creases in this womens faces, I know what they want and I know how to get them".  He knew what he was doing.

Yeah wow, u don't expect them to be like that. Did u find all this out and what he was truly like after? To be honest I only saw her true and worst side when she was discarding me and seeing him behind my back. Before that besides little things and fights she APPEARED nornal for most part. Now I think how was I so tricked.

When I read about BPD ppl have more extreme cases of abuse but I got angry side but woukdnt say totally abusive, she was more emotionally abusive to me. Does this still fit BPD or maybe more npd?

Same Gunit1, he was always charming and attentive when we were together.  Only ever one issue, he had no respect for time keeping and his excuse was my punctuality annoyed him.  

Things started to unravel during my devalue and discard.  He would start criticising me in very personal ways.  Telling me I had squint teeth or I had a camel toe in trouser, horrid things, when previously he always told me I was beautiful and stylish.  He would leave things around the house, writing telling me he want to move to another country and some absurd things about being a social chameleon and as I said a marriage wrecker.  He started to say I was needy and he liked his own space, which I am not (we’d not long moved in together).  By this point he was already emotionally attached to another woman (married of course).  I started to distance myself from him and would attend after work drinks with friends etc. and not invite him, he would text me asking where I was and I would just not read the messages, this obviously triggered his abandonment issues and this is when things got bad and he used my credit card and car to go to a hotel and sleep with his ex (another married woman).  Started hitting me.  

And bam – when everything was disclosed he sobbed like a baby begging me, then the next day nothing.  Friends told me he was euphoric and telling everyone he felt like his life could begin now that I was out of it.  But the abuse still didn't stop, calling me, texting me, saying unspeakable things until I finally outed him to his family and friends, and that was the trigger that allowed him to paint me black.  I played right into his hands.  Fool that I am.

He is definitely BPD, and I think slightly bipolar too, as all this happened in a 2 week period after he attended a LGAT course that sent him manic, and I mean manic.

Yeah see mine didn't seem that crazy but again I was her affair, she may done all this to her main supply bf. He did say she was angry, moody, liar, manipulative possibly bipolar, Sociopathic tenancies.

What I saw was moody, always played victim, cheating, lying and then when met this grampa looking guy she became distant and harsh but I think to trigger me and then she could use my anger about it to say everything is my fault. She said I destroyed her salvaging anything with her bf and having a baby with him... .Even tho she was already in a 3rd affair at same time.

I'm still not sure if that's BPD behaviour or more npd but it's not nornal. Lied about things when was even easier to tell the truth. She seems more into committing to older men like this new one looks 15 years older then her.

Because I'm not fully past it yet it actually makes me still feel bit sick that she wants and does have this dude getting with her. Like old man and fact she wants and likes it I see as disgusting.

I here you... .I know my ex would sleep with anything for the attention and sex.  Turns my stomach.

In my devaluation he tried to get me to have a threesome with a girl who I am pretty sure had disabilities and was drunk.  Looking back now I want to vomit.

My ex was never abusive in the relationship, only after so similar to your GF (affair partner).  And he also possessed sociopath tendencies.

Gunit1 - does this describe how you were treated?


The devaluation phase is about shifting blame. From my experience only, the process seems to be:

•BPD does something that triggers shame (cheats, lies etc), or they just want to leave the relationship.
•The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim.
•Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. They eventually do react.
•The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant.
•The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship.
•Knowing they are the victim, the BPD then walks away, completely detached emotionally and never looks back again at their abusive partner.
•The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one.
•The BPD then tells the new guy how abusive her ex was, and the process starts again.

That makes 2 of us

On the advice of another board member I read a book called "Love must be tough". It's a Christian book but my guess is that the emotions involved in infidelity are similar regardless of whether or not they are within a religious framework. The feelings involved in infidelity are painful, many/most people will feel uncomfortable with these feelings and pwBPD especially so they look to find reasons to justify their guilt, to transfer it. The writer identifies 3 areas of guilt to transfer and details out the common lines used by the offender to morally absolve themselves of their wrongdoings. The Spouse, the kids, God.

Spouse - the relationship was never right, actually we should never have got married. You are abusive towards me
Kids - the kids will be so much happier if we're not together, this is a toxic environment, you are abusive towards the kids
God -  we (the other man/woman and I) have prayed extensively about this and God is telling us this is the right thing to do, God has sent this special relationship and this love can only be sent from God.

All bad feelings gone, moral  justification approved... .move on with selfish destruction, you deserve everything you get, I am pure... .

The mind is a magical muscle

It went 100% like that not that she would admit it. But then why lie about cheating all way to end and never admit it. Cut me off instead at end. That's how it all played out though. But is this a BPD thing a npd thing? Or someone normal do that as well.

I kmow she's not normal because there was way to many things and bs but others with their BPD stories seemed like theirs were way out of control? Mine has good high paying job and has everyone else fooled besides the people that know the truth. Other ppl who don't know her say she's good looking but looks crazy or looks like a b*tch, others said she's pathological liar, seeks attention and flirts.


And now when think back she use to do this stare and I would ask why staring at me and she would say not thinking about anything or just want to or love yr facial features, then last time after cheating she did it and this time the look in eyes didn't look like love anymore, seemed empty.

Her emotions were up and down at start with me, one moment she's all lovey and saying her heart hurts, next day she's pushing me away sayinf needs focus on her rel. I go away and 2 days later she's reeling me back in. Then besides her massive self centeredness, everything on her time, jealousy at times and being mass hyoercrit she appeared normal outside of that. I never would have guessed I would see this evil thing come out which seemed more like npd when devaluing and discarding me. It was like love love love, cheated, came back and within 3 weeks of it going downhill she became a strange and within 5 weeks no longer in my life

Anyone who gets a taste for that sort of thing once either has to keep finding a source to repeat it with again - in a way of minimising and 'normalising' it within themselves, or get very depressed about it.

being with my ex started to go down a difficult path for me as I feel that she did such things to force me into a situation of changing my own moral compass.

I see it now as a sort of coping mechanism, albeit a very poor and transient one. It just ends up compounding already low self esteem issues and puts them in vulnerable positions that lead to further trauma. It is part of a destructive cycle.

my ex already confided in me that she could never have a normal loving relationship with someone.

so once they have resigned themselves to this, what have they to lose by just having apparently lost the ego and seeking out any form of hedonistic behaviour.

Cromwell

So they prefer old men so it's more safe? It's jsut hard to understand that someone who is telling you how much they love u and the connection u have almost all the time instantly cheats with old ugly guy and then thinks that's their next soul mate and within weeks can be done with u in every single way. Like they try spark anger in u to then justify their leaving. I was called, crazy, jealous, manipulative, possessive at the end when I was onto her cheating. Sounds more like her so that's projection?

The short answer is yes that’s exactly what it is projection.Welcome to the intricacies of a BPD sick mind ! My ex did all the same things so don’t feel  bad you are not alone .

This is exactly what my ex said to me.  He doesn't have the ability to have a real relationship with anyone.

Exactly what I was told.  I pushed him to cheat for all the reason you have quoted above.  That is projection as others have said.  At the time I genuinely believed him.  I thought I was the crazy one.

People, especially women, move on really quickly, even healthy ones. Being in a relationship is what society pushes on us. But, I was shocked at first. That was over two years ago. She moved on quickly from him and from the next one.

Mine was in rel for 11 years before (cheating as well of course) only lasted 15 months with me before got opp to drink on work travel trip with work guy and boom first opp and she's off. Couldn't even not do it once.

Mine didn't say she couldn't love though and truly believes she loved me and her ex but treated as both like @ss so seems all fake. Maybe she's not BPD. Maybe just crazy

If they move on quickly after break up I'd be hurt but worse when they cheat, lie and then leave u for that guy but still till day never admitted it and said I was totally wrong and out of line. She knew she was gonna cut me off by then so woukdnt ever have to answer for it

What better way to both validate the feeling that you are dirty and broken whist attaining the feeling that you're "loved" and wanted than to be standing in the middle of a circle of men who lustfully want to poke you in every single orifice... .I see nothing about that which isn't BPD.

Similarly, the desire to have control (of other people... .who might hurt you by withdrawing your NEEDS / abandon you and your NEEDS) and maintain freedom (from responsibility... .which could lead to failure and further feelings of wrong and brokeness)... .well why wouldn't you derive great pleasure from the manipulation of a Doctor?

BPD lays on top of the individuals values. If your personal values are that affairs are okay, sexual liberation is awesome and you've had a string of sexual partners then guess what, having affairs and having a string of sexual partners isn't going to involve any sort of shame or guilt. If your personal values are that of a Christian, such an affair or impulsive sexual encounter is going to mentally torture you and most likely cause you to stay emotionally dysregulated for a very long period of time. At baseline... .what would their views on sexual infidelity be?