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My ex-wife just emailed me out of the blue claming to want the horse panels which a being used for the horse. However, all property in the divorce was enumerated and the horse panels were not part of the agreement to give her. As far as I am concerned she has no claim to them.

My question is, why when this email popped up in my inbox did I feel a rush of adrenaline, ears ring, anxiety, and the hairs on the back of my neck start to stick up? It's like this communication from her just put me on edge, not mad, but in a way that I cannot describe. Any insight would be greatly helpful. By the way I did not reply to the email, deleted it.

-Darkblaez

Have you heard of the Pavlov's dog effect? If not, you can google it. It's conditioning.

That and the fact that you've been through something traumatic, so it's normal you'd react to it.

Hope this helps a bit : )

Thanks Icky

Will this ever go away. It's got me still bent for over 20 minutes and I'm trying to put a thought behind it as in, what am I fearing. I think that it is fear of having to interact with her on any level. For me she built me up with all this love, admiration, and all those things that makes a person feel great and in turn think the world of her. But what I saw on February 12th in her was something I'd never seen the entire 8 years together, she was cruel, cold, emotionless, to the point, discarded me and left to stay with parents so she could date this new guy full time. All interaction with her on the phone, in person, was super cold, non-caring, as if we never were anything let alone married. The only time since then that I saw some emotion was when we signed the divorce paperwork, she was teary and appealing to me to let her be in my life as a friend, an acquaintance, or any capacity. At that time I told her I could not since all trust I had in her was gone. After that she was back to this new cold self.

This email had the same tone, matter of fact, to the point, so I can tell I'm bothered by her at my core. I cannot pin point the feeling if it's scared, fear, but it's along those lines. And for me being so analytical I am caught off guard that I merely react in this way, triggered by a commuications from her.

-Darkblaez

Dark do those panels have any benefit or relevance for her,? I ask cuz if not it’s just a ploy to get a reaction out of you and frankly it worked.Maybe things aren’t going so well with mr new guy

Hey there Darkblaez!

Sending you greetings from the community! How are you doing right now?
I haven't had the time to catch up with your earlier posts about your situation and context and will do so alter.



Somehow, Darkblaez i am doubtful about your ex-partner's intention in wanting the horse panels. In my opinion, it has very little to do with what is actually mentioned directly to you and has much more to do with having to re-engage you or to illicit a response from you. The horse panel was just a means to get you to re-engage with in her a conversation. I do not fully know the context of your ex-wife, if she was diagnosed with having BPD by a psychologist or trained therapist. To while the intention may vary slightly, her need to have you respond to her would give her an attention supply. ( which perhaps right now she is running low ) on supply from others and has returned to you.


I suppose to get to your question, we all have a sense of attachment to our loved ones. The issue with dealing with loss involving a BPD and the death of a family member is... well. Should a loved one die, we are able to mourn, grief and acknowledge the loss. For myself, while i was not married to a person with BPD, mouring the loss of my uBPDexGF felt as if the intensity and separation for me was akin to grieving the death of a loved one, except that this person is still alive.

If my uBPDexGF were to send me a text, i would probably have felt the same way perhaps at a subconscious level, at most times when dealing with her, i always had to be on an edge, and it tired me out mentally. I'm no longer mad at my uBPDexGF for the misgivings, but like any other well respecting man, i could no longer tolerate her actions, behaviours and moral conduct for what she had "claimed" to be. Sometimes, our subconsciousness kicks into overdrive when our ex loved ones attempt a reconnection because your mind may remember the "stress", "trauma", "tension" which has now been associated with her and you are being "triggered" when she attempted to re-engage with you.

On an emotional level, we take a much longer time to come to terms with our own situation and loss, somewhere deep down, we may still desire to engage with our ex-partners though on a intellectual level we very well know the consequences of doing so. So sometimes that tension itself causes such a reaction to occur when our minds are made to recall our "ex-lovers". This bears even more weight for couples who are married and have of course engaged in love making. Your body and mind remembers alot more detail on a subconscious level than our conscious memory can recall.

So the short end of the long explanation is that the emotional faculties of your brain are most likely being "triggered" and you are actually recalling alot more information which you are aware of which is why your body and mind is responding / reacting in such a way.

Hope this explanation kind of helps.

Spero

I wouldn’t even respond to her.

Thank you all for the responses. This all makes sense. To answer one of the questions, the horse panels are mixed, some were hers prior to the marriage, some were bought while married. Since the number of panels and brand were never counted it is hard to discern which are which. As such they were never documented in the dissolution agreement because the last remaining horse is to reside on my property since she did not take her with her. This particular horse was acquired while married.

As a background, she had 8 horses when I met her, when I bought the property down the road form her parents all 8 were moved to it. At that point forward I spent $5,000 annually to care for them, feed them, vet bills, etc. About $35,000 during the time together just in caring for horses which were never ridden even though 3 were broke to ride. To her she liked having them but never knew how much they ate nor road them. My thought was, how can you have 8 horses and not know how much they ate... .her parents took care of all this and she had no responsibility for them so that answered my question... .

The way it was looked at with the panels is they could not be sorted from what was separate property vs marital property. As such they were not addressed since the last horse was residing with me on the property to take care of, the others went to new homes since she did not want them any long weighing her down.

For her to contact me about the panels does seem more like a ploy to get in touch than to actually consider transferring them to her given the fore mentioned.

What I have done is permanently deleted the email

-Darkblaez

Good job brother ,delete and move on ,you don’t need anymore hardship

My personal experience with bad relationships is that it is often more painful after the breakup than during the relationship. I believe this is because we are doing all we can to survive while in the relationship, just like soldiers who do well in battle, and fall apart with terrible PTSD once they are no longer in combat.

I feel exactly like this. the fallout after I left her and as my days started to resemble normalacy, it was like a form of shellshock took over.

in some ways it was harder afterwards because it is when the reflection process kicked in, breathing space was there to do this, and as my brain crept out of the fog it was feelings of "what the heck was that all about?"