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Dear BPD Family, Where to start?

Several years ago I elected to walk away from my entire family in the UK. Not an easy decision but one that I do not regret based on the circumstances. I have 2 children both born in the USA and I am British on a Green Card living in the USA for 20 years. I am now divorced from the mother and the children live with her but we share responsibilities 50/50.

Last year my ex-wife encouraged my children to contact my family via email and phone and instructed them to keep this from me. I have now discovered the emails and extent of the cover up. As you can imagine the children are very upset having had to lie to their father and my reaction to the discovery could have been better. Both children have explained how they feel “forced” to have to communicate with people they do not know and how it makes them feel. My daughter is now having to under go therapy for depression and is openly talking about harming herself as a result. However, the family in the UK having being told to stop the contact based on this information have continued to do so and in some cases increase the level of contact which has caused even more emotional turmoil. The children are 12 and 14 years old and have only ever met the family a small number of times in their short lives. I am considering a formal letter to ask them to stop and leave them alone in every capacity so they can live normal lives and begin a recovery. What would you recommend my options are? I feel a third party is required based on the hostility from the UK. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate any and all help and direction. Regards, DWR

This puts the children in the middle and unless there is good reason for the secrecy (self-protection, etc) then it puts undue stress on the children.  Do they have counselors?  If the ex refuses to allow counseling you can pursue this in court, courts love counseling for the kids, but probably too you can alert the school counselors in the meantime.

If talking by phone and email is difficult for the kids, hey it would be hard for me too, would video chatting overcome that hurdle?

As for your relatives, you would know better than us at this point why some of your relatives are causing problems.  Partly it may be that the kids have never met your relatives.  Just a thought, if you do see a need to ask your relatives or some of them to step back for now (and the kids' counselors agree) then you could ask them to have just a few of them maintain contact.  Which of them would be the most helpful?  Maybe you could suggest a short list of the most helpful or meaningful ones.

What I'm saying is that stopping all contact could be interpreted that you have concerning issues.  Around here many members describe that not only have they been blacklisted but also every one of their relatives are blacklisted too.  For that reason blocking all relatives, even your own relatives, could be perceived as a red flag, at least on the surface.

I'm sure others will chime in with their thought and ideas as well.

Dear ForeverDad, Thank You. I will wait on other replies and suggestions before I add more background. I really appreciate the first reply. A huge relief waking up to see this today. DWR