BPDFamily.com

My uBPD partner lives with myself and my teenagers who are not his.
There is strain between my youngest and him we are working through so many issues that come up as a result of that feel like I’m dealing with two teenagers.
Long story on the crap at home I can post some links if you need.

So my youngest is home sick and my partner has a few days off work
He sent me a text last night stating he has ” dibs on the main floor during my working hours if she’s home”

My first thought is. Oh ffs.
Then I take a deep breath to try and figure out how to respond without causing a fit from him

He then went on to ask about dinner ect and I never got back to the question

Sure enough my daughter is home today and I told her no tv hoping it would keep her in her room (I can’t out right say stay off the main floor for my partner because it would increase the animosity we are trying to get over )
Yes they both complain to me about not getting enough time with the BIG tv ... .sigh

So I got a small rant that just as he suspected she is staking her claim on the main floor to keep him out by doing homework there. And  accused me of ignoring his wishes and brushing him aside.

I messaged her and explained that he would like the main floor for a bit. She’s aware of his struggle and tries to help by standing aside if I ask.
I make sure not to ask often cause really it’s not her responsibility so I save it for when I’m stuck on how to deal with what’s come up

So when he says he has dibs on the main floor

How do I say that’s not reasonable for an adult to state in BPD terminology

Cause he makes those types of statements (that would usually come from two siblings ) every so often

Thanks for any suggestions

I think there is a lot of frustration on all sides from both feeling quarantined if the other is home.  This is not an easy situation, and I'm afraid I don't understand what makes them not be able to be in the same room/part of the house, but that is unimportant to your question.

Validate that he is frustrated and does not like being stuck in the bedroom.  Maybe offer a modification of "all day during work hours" to something more like, from noon - 3 it's his room, from 3-6 it's hers, you will deal with the rest of the day once you are home?  Or he can have morning or afternoon, and she can have the other?  Something that offers a solution to both of them having access that does not 100% capitulate to his unreasonable demand?  Because that is the main issue. He is making an unreasonable demand and is not in an emotional state where he even cares that it is unreasonable.

Try to remember that BPD seems to basically make grown adults revert to toddler/teenaged levels of coping with stress and adverse situations.  He is engaging in black and white thinking.  I can only suggest a schedule, maybe around shows they like, and making sure they each have as equal a time as possible - in this case, you really are mitigating an issue between siblings in a way.  So mindfully, empathetically let them BOTH know you dislike the situation and know it is not ideal, but to make the best of it you propose times for each to both have access to the room/big TV.  Also, try to make sure they each have a tablet or other way to be entertained when corralled in their rooms. 

Dang this is a difficult situation.

Tough situation. And it could get messy if not handled appropriately. How old is your daughter again?

Like isilme said, I would just validate then emotion. But in the validation I would try to ask him questions that would lead him to the correct way to handle this: directly and appropriately asking your daughter if he can have the television for awhile instead of using you as the go-between.

Two big questions that might get you started are:
What would you like to happen in this situation?
How could you ask daughter for what you want?

Tattered - I get the impression he's not supposed to talk to the daughter, or even be in the same room, hence the drama.  I am not sure why... .if this is simply how the daughter and he have chosen to cope with each other, or if it's like something court appointed.  I think this is WHY ClingtoHope is the go-between.

Cling - can you elaborate (or share a link to where you've done so) the reason(s) he "can't" be in the room with your daughter?

Isilme here is most of it from a previous post    Things have improved in the living situation so it’s helped a bit in lessening the episodes

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322607.0
My story is spread out in the responses as well.
Thanks for asking
I had a bit of a gain today ... .not sure if it will turn into an improvement but at least I felt proactive instead of reactive or inactive
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323363.0

Here is a quick summary I posted on a diff thread as well

My girls are 18 and 16
Oldest was in hospital for suicide ideation just before Xmas (my H had a breakdown then too which I could not make a priority to his disappointment
She is doing better and probably the most level of the three at this point but I have to be vigilant on her sliding back into old habits which lead down a dark hole
My youngest is 16 and has struggled with bouts of anxiety most of her life but in the last year it has exploded. She was the disgruntled teen for most of it so I did not pick up on the seriousness of her struggles a lot was because of the constant presence of my H so she rarely got me alone. Yes we’d have a planned night that she blew off half the time but even to drive her somewhere he would insist on coming along.
I did not realized how pressured I felt to placate him and not ask him to stay back or give us the tv room for some girl time ect.  And thinking back I was pressured to move in together probably before I would have suggested it, another long story.
So my youngest has been feeling like a third wheel for a long time. She was prepared to move to her dads even tho it’s not a good environment to make it “easier on everyone” only person it would be easier for in my H and I need to put her well being above his at the moment.
It’s not fair but necessary. I’ve consulted my doctor before I made this decision
And for the first time I feel like I am making my own solid decision.
Putting her needs as a priority right now is a temporary situation as I get her settled in therapy she is aware of this and things are improving
I should mention that when she first broke much of her anxiety and anger was directed to my H largely cause she was jealous of the attention he was getting. She wanted him out and I explained to her that he is going through his own struggles and asked her if he stayed out of the way could we give the therapy and medication time before we made a decision.
She agreed and has made the best of it and it’s a crappy thing to ask of my H. My preference would have been to stay at a friends for a bit instead of isolating him. He replied that he was worried I  would stop loving him if he didn’t stay near me. ... .sigh
She is handling this more maturely than he is. At least I understand why now but it is really hard not to be angry about it and shield the kids from his tantrums (not putting them in danger) so she doesn’t feel bad for asking for help. And she does feel bad at the compromise I asked if my H and is working very hard to get a handle on her stuff

Ok. That’s a huge rant  I’m sorry. And that is a shortened version sad