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I mentioned in my first post that my mom had been giving me the silent treatment for a few weeks. This is the sixth week, which is how long the last one was. It makes me wonder if there is pattern to these episodes.

Anyhow, when she surfaces it is never good, because that's when I get attacked out of nowhere. This time she accused me of sounding "high" in our last phone call, accused me of being an alcoholic (I don't drink), that I needed to go to rehab, that I live "weird" (because I live alone and she hates that), etc. The last time this happened, she accused me of using drugs. It was obvious to me that she wasn't normal, there were breaks in her speech pattern, and she sounded confused.

There is no way to defend myself when I get attacked like this, because I can't prove a negative. Anyone have any suggestions how to deal with this? I am financially dependent right now, although I am desperately scrambling to change that, because the way I feel at the moment I never want to speak to her again. I've been through this too many times, and I can't take it anymore.

Hi WalkingWounded, 

Good to hear from you. I can certainly understand your anxiety and the anticipation of "when will the next shoe drop" because it usually always does, right? That's how it was for me and so many of us.

Something that has helped me a lot is to step back and look only at the facts. Try to remove your feelings and defenses and think about what is true. From what you indicated, none of the things your mom said are true. If that's the case, then there is no truth in those projections of what she may say or believe.

Here's another way to consider it. When someone says, "You read too much" to a person that sits and likes to read, in reality they are trying to define that person. It can be a form of control. Is there only an allowed amount of minutes that person is allowed to read according to the standards of the person telling them they read too much? By what standard do they declare the reading is "too much?" So if your mom says that you are high or drink too much of are an alcoholic, the projections have nothing to do with reality. You don't even have to respond because nothing you say will change what she believes.

Do you feel as if you have to defend yourself when she makes these accusations? If you can look at the facts, it may help you to not become engaged in her trap.

Here is a great link that provides more insite:

Don't JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0[b)

 
Wools

Hi WalkingWounded,

I’d suggest to not JADE too if she’s trying to bait or she’s criticizing you. Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. When you respond back it opens things up for conflict. She has her beliefs and doesn’t like living alone, we’re all different, she’s projecting her choices as Woolspinner2000 says, on you as you probably already know a pwBPD have rigid thought patterns if she thinks that her choice is the only choice then she’s entitled to think that, you know that it’s not right but if you JADE it gives her a chance to create conflict or if there is conflict it just continues. Check out the link that Woolspinner2000 gave you . That is the single most helpful tool that I learned from this site.

Hi, I'm new here and don't have many answers, but I agree with what Woolspinner2000 said, and, I want you to know that I understand what you're going thru - what you said about patterns to your mom's behaviour - some of my family members and I always wondered the same thing about my mom, I think there are definitely patterns - not so much as her moods occurring every so many days, weeks, or months, but there's definitely a pattern to the process. Even though I've worked in the medical field my whole life, I do not know of the medical facts about the patterns.

When I first read the word attacked, I knew that I understood how you feel - my BPD mother has attacked both physically and verbally, out of the blue, my entire life.

When someone accuses you of being something you're not, like an alcoholic like you mentioned, it is very frustrating & hurtful - that hit home with me because my mom recently accused me of being a drug addict, and I do not even drink alcohol, and have never taken illegal drugs, etc, etc. She even tells me that other family members think I'm a drug addict, and she tells me that I need help because I drink too much Diet Coke!

What Woolspinner2000 said about the 'reading too much' really helped me. I have always fallen into the trap of explaining myself when my mom accuses me of outrageous things, even though I know I should not feed into it - living like this for over 50 years has caused me to explain myself unnecessarily to other people.

To others reading this, when our family member with BPD says something like this, accuses us of things that are not true, what should we say or not say? I always feel like I have to prove the real truth. EDIT: I just read what Mutt wrote, Thank You, I will also read about JADE.

Good luck, I hope we can learn a lot of how to deal with this stuff from each other's experiences and from the wonderful people who offer their help on this board.

Thanks, guys. I did pretty good, all things considered. In the past I have ended up yelling and getting upset, but the only thing I could think to do was tell her she was scaring me, that I didn't understand why she was saying those things, and then try to talk about other things, even though I felt crazy myself for doing that. I know there's no point fighting, because everything she's saying is complete fantasy. I just wish she would leave me alone, because I think it's getting worse.

Mutt, I wanted to point out that it's ME that lives alone, and she hates that, and tells me it's "weird", because she has been harping at me to move home practically my whole adult life. It's just another weapon. Nothing I say matters, because she's going to accuse of of the worst things she can think of no matter what.

Wow, Peachtree487, what is up with the accusations of drug and alcohol abuse? Like you, I am not a drug user, never have been, and don't drink, yet she's accused me of this in every attack (I'm also in my fifties). Maybe it's the worst thing they can think of? It's so painful, and I totally understand the need to prove them wrong, but how can we when we're innocent? It's just horrible to go through. My mom started in with this when I was a teen, and it's never stopped.

To WalkingWounded:  I don't understand the accusations about drug & alcohol abuse, either - I've found that a lot of things my mom accuses me of, and now for the past few years has included my husband, are things that she would do, but she has never been a drinker, smoker, or drug user. Like every time she got a divorce or would fight with her past husbands, she would destroy something of theirs and smash wedding rings with hammers - nice stuff to see when you're 4 yrears old. So she thinks that people act like she would if they are upset, but I don't know why she thinks that I was upset with her, because I never say anything or act upset. When I broke my neck years ago, I became physically dependent on the pain meds, which was surprising because it never happened previous to that when I had a series of other surgeries, but my doctor & I took care of the matter right away, and I never sought out street drugs or anything like that, so maybe she accused me of being a drug addict because she knows that incident really worried me, but I was open about it and my neurologist said that it was a physical thing, maybe because I had so many times in the past where I had to take the pain meds, then it caught up with me years later with my last surgery.

But as far as alcohol is concerned, I have no idea why she has constantly accused me of that - the last time she did, she actually told me that my husband's mother told her that she thought I was an alcoholic, and said that even she did not understand why my MIL would accuse me of something like that. I called my MIL, asked her why she said that to my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Then, my MIL got upset with me for accusing her of something she did not say, her feelings were hurt. She asked me why I was accusing her of accusing me, and when I told her what my mom said, she denied it again, then got mad at me and said she did not believe that my mom would make something up like that, and thought that I was making it up. My MIL asked me why I would believe that she would even say something like that, without asking her first before accusing her  and I replied to her, "When my mom tells me something, my first reaction is not to think she is lying, she's my mother". So both of them ended up mad at me. Now I know why, 1 day before this happened, my mom told me that we shouldnt talk much to my husbands parents.

She also accuses my husband & I of stuff that she thinks we might do in the future. Like, when we were visiting a couple years ago, she practically begged us to stay at her house rather than a hotel - we made a bad mistake by agreeing, because out of the blue, when my husband wasn't there, and of course he had the car so I couldn't leave until he got back, she kicked us out because she was getting ready to go to work, and said that she did not want us there because she was afraid she would come home to an empty house? I kept my cool this time, and could not figure out what in the heck she was talking about - she explained that since we were having financial problems, that we might "sell" her furniture, and everthing worth something in her house! But like I said, I was determined to keep calm, because she was very out of control, it really was scary to hear her say something so ridiculous. I calmly told her that I would never steal from anyone, especially my own mother. She said she did not trust us because of our financial situation, that people who are in need cannot be trusted - I have never, ever, stold anything from my mother or anyone else - so I wonder why she kept pressing us to stay with her? I think she wanted us to stay because she has a "need" to abuse people, and she had recently lost my Grandmother, who she verbally & mentally abused, so she needed us to take stuff out on.

And guess what? She claimed later that she did not kick us out. While yelling at me about this issue, she said that we were going in and out of her doors too often, mostly talking about going through the sliding doors to the pool & lanai area - she pulled up her home security account on her smartphone, and read off each & every time we went in & out the door, and said she thought we were doing it just to upset her, to purposely raise her electric bill.

So, she gave me an ultimatum: She would let us stay, but we could only open a door one more time until the next morning (this was about 4:30 pm). So that meant that when my husband came back, that 1 time would be used up, so we would be stuck in the house all night, which included the sliding doors to the lanai. We had a cat which I take on nightly walks, so I could not do that, and we smoke cigarettes so we would not be able to go outside to smoke for about 18 hours until she got back home the next day (she works 12 hr shifts with an hour drive each way), and we could not leave if we wanted to come back and we needed to go to the store and do other errands. She said that she would be constantly checking the home security website, and if she seen that the door opened more than once, she would call the home security company & the police and tell them that someone broke in and somehow illegally knew her code. When my husband arrived, we had to leave the door standing open in hot weather (which is what she wax trying to prevent, supposedly) while we gathered our things & cats to leave. We were really afraid to just go ahead and open & close the door as needed since we were leaving  because it would've been awful if she followed through and called the police - she was so raging mad that she would've not told them the truth, and maybe the police would realize it was a 'domestic' matter, but we wanted to not cross that line - if we would have, then she would have something very 'juicy' to tell the whole family: that I broke into her house. (It's odd because recently told my husband that I broke into her house 2 times in the past, which is nof true.

Have you ever kept your cool in a conversation or argument with your mom, and had good results? I never have been able to, and nobody has ever been able to convince my mom that she is the one causing problems, she has never, that I know of, even entertained the fact that something is wrong with her. She has seen psychologists and psychiatrists on and off for many years, but I do not know hardly anything about what they diagnose her with, or say to her. There was only one time, years ago, where she told our whole family that her doctor said that she shouldn't put up with how everyone else treats her. At this same time, her ex-hubby told me that her doc prescribed Lithium, but she quit taking it because it made her feel bad. I do know that she currently takes a very high dose of Wellbutrin, and says that she wouldn't be able to deal with people without it, but she is still blaming others, not addressing her issues. I've read that most docs do not want BPD patients, and that a lot of docs are either manipulated by them, or don't get the whole context, or just tell them what they want to hear because they are so difficult to treat. Have you heard anything like this?

Peachtree, it sounds like our mothers are very similar. As to your question about keeping cool in conversations and having it work out? Not really. The best I have been able to do is frantically talk about everything under the sun to divert her away from her rage. Basically waving a shiny object in front of her face to distract her. It's exhausting, but it's the only thing that works. She doesn't say much but it quiets her down.

In terms of treatment, I've heard the same things you've heard. My mother is in her early 80's now, and even if she were younger, she has always denied there is anything wrong with her, and makes it everyone else's fault. I've never been able to win an argument with her. She's very smart and cunning, and getting worse all the time it seems. I feel like today's episode was the one of the scariest. Everything she accused me of was complete fantasy and it scared me to death.

Your story about staying at your mom's house was a reminder of just how manipulative and controlling they can get. The one bit of advice I would give everyone on this forum that I know from experience, and I'm sure you do too, is no matter how desperate, try to avoid living under their roof or being financially dependent, because you will pay for it dearly. One way or another it's going to get ugly. I don't know if you read my first post, but when I stayed at my mom's after splitting with an ex-boyfriend, she didn't speak to me for a whole year after starting a raging fight when I was moving out again (I was a grown woman, not a teenager). Sadly, I'm learning if you want to maintain any contact at all, it has to be from a safe distance. I guess it depends on the severity of the illness of the family member, which will be different for all of us.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. At least you aren't alone. I am, and I wish I wasn't. It helps to have someone to lean on.

Thank you, WalkingWounded, you are right about living under the same roof. I think that the further away family members are from someone with BPD, the better they get along - my sister left as a teenager and never returned, has always lived over a thousand miles away, and she has a great relationship with our mom - I do not think she understands BPD, if I was to ever even ask her if she thought our mom had BPD, she would immediately tell her and it would cause a huge blow up - I get treated like a black sheep because my sister believes everything my mom tells her, even the outrageous, unbelievable stuff.

Yes, having my husband grounds me - when my mom says something ridiculous, he assures me and reminds me to not take it to heart, and it is very helpful to have him. And, my husband is very supportive anyways, he's the type of person that is great at making people feel better, is very down to earth, and he understands because his mother is very much like mine, so he knows how hurtful things can be. We are both sort of the "black sheep" of our family - my husband is very down to earth, while his family care more about their image, what the neighbors think, etc, he is not fake like that, and his family judges and loves him based mostly on his title at work and how much money he makes or does not make.

Before I met my H, I had noone to ground me like that, and at that time there weren't message boards like this one, either, to talk with others that help to reassure me of things. I am grateful to have my H, and to be able to talk with others like you on this board. We are all here to help each other, so please don't hesitate to post even if you just need someone to acknowledge and understand you.

Hello, I've been accused of being things as well by my diagnosed BPDMom. The hate that comes out of her mouth to me is severe. Do you think BPDs really love their children? I understand people say horrible things out of anger and the heat of the moment. I just wonder if BPDs are capable of love?

Penny123, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that. I'm not a doctor or any type of professional on the subject, but since the latest episode with my mother I had to face it full on. I've been doing a lot of research, watching lectures and videos, and just reading and more reading. From what I've seen so far, it doesn't appear they are capable of love.

I have tried to cut off emotionally and really listen to what she is saying to me while she is coming out of one of her "episodes", and it is truly all about her. I don't think she hears a word I say. I read somewhere that we are inanimate objects to them, and therefore they don't "love" us. When I think about it logically, it makes sense, because how could a loving mother just verbally attack her child and accuse and berate the child for nothing? Or give their own daughter the silent treatment for weeks/months/years out of the blue? It's not about us, it's all about their sickness. Really facing this is helping me to emotionally disengage. We didn't have the mothers every child deserves, and it's not our fault, but it's the truth. All we can do is heal.

Hi.  I think they do love.  Their ability to express love is affected by their inability to regulate their emotions and the very dysfunctional defense mechanisms they have that rise up so you will see raging, projection, denial, splitting, push-pull behaviors etc.  Is that love?  Not by my definition and not by most people.  But it is for them.  Are they able to express their love in healthy ways?  Frequently no.   

When you think about some of the stories here, where someone is split white rather than black and is seen as the golden child, the person with BPD is still acting out and experiencing emotional dysregulation.  It is just the outward expression that is different.  The golden child or the split white partner interprets that state as love and views it as a positive experience (in general). 

In that sense, whether they love of not is not important to me.  What's important is how it is expressed and how it fits with my definition of love.

I have wondered the same thing - if BPD's are capable of real love.It's hurtful to think about whether my mom really loves me or not. If based on how she treats me and talks to me, I would say that she hates me, does not like me at all, and has no love for me. But, I think that my mom tries to show love in different ways - material ways - I truly believe that she buys gifts & helps her loved ones financially to show love, and I know for a fact, theres not even a hint of doubt  in my mind, that my mom offers financially based 'help' to family members to keep them close and to make sure they keep ties to her. It is extremely rare for her to show emotional care or 'love' to any adult in our family - she shows it to babies and kids, but not adults.