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It's now been 7 months since I've seen her. I do realize it's very much over, but the pain of that is still sinking in. I don't know why it goes on for so long.

She had all the hallmarks of BPD, but she wasn't nasty and cruel like some of the accounts I've read here. That's not to say she was an angel by any stretch. But as time passes I'm remembering the good and not the bad. I don't know why my brain is doing that, almost tricking me into thinking it wasn't that bad, even questioning what my fault in all of it was. Second guessing situations, wondering if I could have done something different. I still long for her.

I feel so weak, still. It seems like after 3 or 4 months I was doing much better than I am now. I hope this is a bit of a step back before another leap forward. The reasons I fell in love with her remain. I would be weak if I looked at her. The only thing I can think of is that Phil Collins song "Give me just one more night." But deep down I know that would only hurt me. I don't know why I long for things which aren't healthy.

medical Definition of cognitive dissonance

: psychological conflict resulting from simultaneously held incongruous beliefs and attitudes (as a fondness for smoking and a belief that it is harmful)

This happens with everyone over time, its a term called the "Fading effect bias".

I'm 5 months out, and only after I sent a No Contact letter, did it sink in that it's irredeemably over, that there can never be any relationship or friendship with him, for as long as I am alive.

The Phil Collins song that I keep thinking of is "I Don't Care Anymore". It speaks to my resentful side, not to my nostalgic side!

Hey there Crushedagain! 

Sending you greetings from the community again. How have you been keeping?


I'm sorry that its been tough and there is still so much processing to do on your end, given the assumption that your ex-partner indeed has BPD, the intense bonding of through "love bombing" has as a result caused the reward centres within our brains to associate this person with, "pleasure, feeling good, safety, hope, desire", now that has suddenly not only been taken away from the person, the person has to associate our ex-partner with loss and all the other negative emotions.


That itself hijacks our brains and we now have to "tear apart" source which was previously associate with positive feelings. Now that this source is gone, our brains are "desperately" trying to regain a source of comfort and perhaps a source of familiarity. We as human beings are creatures of habit. Therefore when we are wired in a certain way by our experiences and environment, that becomes the "norm". Note that familiarity doesn't mean that whatever is familiar to us is healthy, and i expound a little bit on this behaviour below.

A person who has spent many years being beaten up daily might find it weird and even uncomfortable that he/she has found someone who loves him/her and does not beat them up. They have unfortunately associated love with being beaten up daily especially in the context of trauma bonding during the early stages of adolescences - this perhaps gives you the long answer which Cromwell mentioned earlier about the term "cognitive dissonance".

If you would like to read more on the psychological (technical) term of "cognitive dissonance", i've attached the link below from the site, psychlogy today - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance)

That realisation, acknowledgement, conscious recognition and re-adjustment would take time. This is why humans grief the loss of loved ones. Part of the stages of grief and loss would include anger and sometimes even indifference which I believe you may be experiencing now to a certain degree based on your previous post.  It is only human to do so, so don't be too hard on yourself when the pain still lingers on.

Here with you. Do take heart ya?

Spero

I thank everybody so much for responding. I do think the idealization phase is what set me up for this. She would tell me I was "perfect" all the time, she would never leave me, she made me her world. She even gave up her phone so nobody could reach her. She tried to give up her car so that she was entirely dependent upon me. I was not comfortable with that. Thank goodness I didn't allow it.

Then, at a certain point, there was a devaluation. This happened the first time somewhere in the 8th or 9th month of the relationship. She started throwing fits and creating chaos over the next few months until she walked out on me and told me it was over. I was absolutely stunned, but I had no choice in the matter. I was hurt and angry. I didn't understand how in the world somebody could do a 180 like that. Then, I received a call from her 2 days later, apologizing, telling me she had a change of heart. I had no idea that phone call came from her ex-boyfriend's house. Had I known this at the time, I would have NEVER taken her back.

I let her back in, under the understanding that there would never be a 3rd chance. Things went back to normal for several months, and she told me she was the happiest she had been. But there was another devaluation somewhere along the lines, I don't exactly know when, then there were trips out of town that I can only surmise were setting up future prospects or something. Then she was gone. She told me she was going on vacation, that she'd be back. That was it. A few phone calls and emails stringing me along until I put an end to that nonsense. This is scary to think about. I almost don't even know who this person was who I spent almost 2 years with.