BPDFamily.com

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I must be a magnet for women with issues. I was married to someone who at the end of our marriage was diagnosed with BPD with NPD traits. I dated on and off after that then I got into a serious relationship with someone who about 9 months in I realized had undiagnosed BPD and was potentially sexually abused as a child. After I recommended she go to therapy and she refused and also right when she was beginning to devalue me, I made the decision to leave (lots of crazy things since, such as her leaving me food at my house, etc). It's been a bit but I've finally decided to start dating again. I've been told I'm fairly attractive and I'm also fairly accomplished in my field. Long story short, I've recently been asked out by 3 women: one who is unemployed and quit her job because Jesus told her to and she knows that God will provide for her, until then unemployment provides for her; one who I just found out Tuesday is still legally married; one who texted me yesterday having an emotional breakdown (we only met 4 days ago). All 3 women are extremely attractive, and they're the ones who asked me out. I don't get how I seem to just attract these types of women. What in the world am I doing? What sort of vibe am I giving out? I haven't had much luck meeting anyone who seems reasonably sane these days.

All I can say is I myself am in therapy to better understand what I did wrong to attract my exBPDgf.By fixing myself I should be able to prevent a similar incident from happening... .it’s tuff trying to figure these things out on our own sometimes

Heartachex2,

That is a great question, but let me ask you... .

Might you be drawn to these types?

What is it that was attractive about them to you?

Sometimes the flame we are drawn to will actually incinerate us like the proverbial moth.

J

J,
I don't know if I am specifically drawn to these types. I mean it's not as if I actively go out and seek them out. I know that my pattern of attraction usually starts with physical attraction and I tend to go for the women who are considered stunners. I know that about myself. I know that my initial attraction is based on physical attraction and usually if I'm not physically attracted to them I usually don't try to get to know them better as anything more than platonic relationships. Perhaps I give off some sort of vibe to women who I'm not physically attracted to. I've had an opportunity to get to know several women who I was not physically attracted to in the first place, but once I got to know them I really found them attractive. However, by that time the ship for romantic relationship had sailed.

Shawnlam,
I've been in therapy since 2012 and go every week because I find that staying healthy in terms of mental health is just as important as physical health. However, it seems as if on dating sites, in real life, no matter where I try, I tend to attract these types of women. I've been good at recognizing it within the first few dates and detaching. The 9 month long relationship was able to fool me for a while.

I am wondering about this concept of "stunners" and their potential to be made more attractive to you on the surface based on some traits on their inside. In other words, what you might find stunning someone else might not because of what they are picking up about the person on the inside.

Also, I do have concerns about what I myself find attractive. For instance, my STBx was my ideal in physical attraction, a Latina bombshell second to none (at least in my eyes). I have had a couple of other short-lived relationships with this type of woman. While they proved to be fiery and exciting, they were all nuttier than fruitcakes and easily discarded me when they so chose.

While I am not drawn to that type exclusively, I am catching myself being attracted to more "exciting" looking women, as opposed to reserved types. I think this is a recipe for disaster for me. However, my first ex wife I liked as a person and friend first and became more attracted to her physically as I got to know her. I enjoyed her company, but she cheated on me and up and left me in a flash.

But I do have another quandry... .are women who make it a point to always look good and use their looks to draw in a person more likely to be a greater challenge to genuinely connecting to and having a successful mutual relationship with? Likewise, are men who are status seekers and superficially materially and monetarily focused also the same type of difficult personality type to succeed with in a relationship on a human level?

I dunno. I'm not judging here, just trying to open up a dialogue about types and tendencies. I know there's no universal answers and that unattractive unsuccessful people can be disordered, too.

I suspect many of us here are fixers and what is behind any attraction we have is the opportunity we see in the other person to be "saved" in some way, shape, or form.

J

This is probably a valid question if you're mulling things over. Soul searching, trying to get perspective, etc... .and willing to look further.

This theory is definitely what I've heard the most from other people, as their personal logic, while pointing in my direction. But it's that stock, almost-expected response that sends up red flags. It starts to sound mindless, like a platitude or a space-filler in conversation.


Most, if not all of the girls/women I've dated have mentally crumbled dramatically after things were moving along fine for a while. This would be in line with the concept that people put their game face on at the beginning of any relationship.

Regarding my attempt to stop remaining single, there was a point where I decided "I'm not gong to try anymore... .I'm not going to let it bother me anymore... .I'll just roll with the flow and see what happens." That was mixed with an improved confidence I had about myself. So basically a chill/confident guy who didn't ooze desperation. (As a side note, I'm not a looker by any means, but wow, I was pursued a lot after that.)

I bring that up because the people I dated before and after this transformation didn't change. Same dramatic mental crumbles. So a second theory could be that people just have problems; that they want to be in a relationship and tried, but couldn't handle it. Childhood issues, parent issues, ex issues, hidden/undiagnosed mental illnesses. Sadly, a disturbing number of girls/women I've dated had been sexually or physically abused.

So at least there's a second possibility for you to ponder. It's not necessarily you. It might everyone else and their own struggles. But please don't start blaming them. Mentally crumbling, for example, is way different than maliciously going into a relationship to make the other person's life miserable. I think that only happens in movies.

Obviously this is just from my own experiences. Hopefully you can get more theories to work with.

-ngu

This is one of my favourite posts I've read so far.

I think we all totally underestimate how much everyone struggles with everything. And how everyone has really different coping strategies and how most of those coping strategies are pretty nutty in their own way, including our own.

And yeah, people put their game face on. So you'd never guess. Until you get to see behind their social mask.

Wow, thank you Icky.


Definitely. I wrote this sentence down on a piece of paper. I need to think about this thread some more, and will use your 12 words as an anchor.

-ngu

Hi

Read your posts.

I would not make myself wrong.

I learn on here, every person is unique.


When I deny my feelings, they get stronger.
I am co dependent, am in al anon, working the 12 steps.  Am separated from dxBPD, who is untreated.
All i know is we have a strong attraction.

We have chemistry.

He isn't bad, it's my behaviour in relation to his disorder.  My codependent tendencies interacting w his serious mental illness=trouble.

When I work my program, do excellent self care, stop beating myself up.  I can get to my truth.

My truth is mine.  I do not defend.  It's no one's
business why I feel, what is happening, what my hopes and dreams are... .

Keep searching, find out who you are.

I get distracted when I make myself wrong, keep validating the invalid.

I don't have to beat myself up any more.

He is a sensitive, caring person, who happens to have BPD.  He has it, IT doesn't have him.

gentleness and kindness,

juju

i want to highlight this. i think its a good starting point, and its rarely easy to see.

you are not the first here to have a history of these sorts of relationships. in fact, many of us go from the relationship that brought us here to another.

and there are various reasons this may happen.

you like attractive women. who doesnt? a lot of attraction, who we find ourselves clicking with, whether in a healthy or dysfunctional way, is more subconscious.

i did my search some years ago. what did i find as to why i didnt click with some, and did click with others? i found a number of different "reasons" like a subconcious fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, an attraction to a dynamic where i made myself a martyr for love, a strong need for mirroring, etc. those were about me and wont apply to everyone. there are many more; some people have low self esteem and depend on heavy doses of idealization, or reassurance, etc. some search for a project partner, someone to fix or change, and some search for a partner who wants to do those things even if they reject the effort. our attachment styles tend to play a big role. the dynamics we had, and witnessed in our families do as well.

what it boiled down to for me was that my ideas about what constituted a healthy, loving relationship, or even the natural course of a relationship, needed a bit of adjustment, and in some cases were unrealistic. in other cases they were ideal, wouldnt change them a bit, but i wasnt living them or seeking them out.

so to me, change comes from examining the model we are gravitating to, the dynamics we are connecting with, and shifting gears to a healthier model.

having said all of that, there is nothing inherently wrong with or threatening about any given woman being attracted to you. ideally, all different kinds of women will be. the only real danger is if you over invest in something unhealthy.

additionally, the older we get, the more unhealthy candidates are in the dating pool. the more you need to screen for what you want. the more you need a good set of tools to help you navigate.

i get the theory that we are "attracting" certain type of people but i have a new awareness.  I'm an acceptor and i think acceptors attract people who want to BE accepted but don't necessarily have that skill and so that is why they like in a partner.  When things go bad; they judge and don't accept, they run and move on, they pull back and avoid.  Why?  my theory: because they can't accept this in the partner because they already have enough of it in themselves (don't accept themselves).  The irony is that if you ask them they will tell you that they like themselves, accept that they are just like this. 

With my last ex i told her that a female friend told me about a book that said that alot of women in western society "Turn Princes into frogs"  and that she realized that she wanted to be treated like a woman but also wanted to lead like a man.  She said after reading the book it helped her to drop into her feminine energy and lead in another way.  I suppose the only thing that i could think of was dancing.  Each partner has a role in the direction but both can't lead.  So my ex said, "oh yeah that's what i do; turn princes into frogs."  She seemed proud of it.  She probably felt critiqued when i was just trying to share what another woman had told me.  Anyway, she wasn't open to growing and was the avoidant type and didn't accept me for my flaws but wants everyone to accept all her personality quirks.

So do we attract it or accept it?   I have a mom that is very impatient and flies off the handle at times.  I am staying with her right now and it's interesting for me to see this from adult eyes.   What i see is how i was conditioned to be so patient. It was a survival skill for me when i was younger.  Now i push back at times, let it go when i need to or don't feel it's necessary to engage and other times i tell her my perspective.  When i was younger i couldn't stick up for myself.  In Imago theory they talk about picking partners so we can fix things that we couldn't with our parents.  I am back at the source and trying to look at this from adult eyes and look at how i got to be a certain way.  So with the new lady that i'm talking to on a date site I have noticed already that i accept her quirkiness but she has made some judgemental comments like " i thought you talked to much originally" or " i thought you were lonely"  which made me feel like she was positioning herself to be the superior one.  Today she was much more down to earth and less judgey but I am worried that this is just so engrained in my personality to accept these things because 1. i don't want to be paranoid and 2.  maybe it's just too familiar to me and i think i can handle it?

Hi, Heartachex2. 


This sounds promising! It sounds like you have the capacity to feel attraction to a range of women but there is a type of woman that you notice first, at type that grabs your attention visually.

FWIW, people with BPD can be very skilled at seduction and mirroring. I know I'm generalizing here, but think it's fair to say that heterosexual women with BPD have a higher than average motivation to make themselves visually attractive to heterosexual men than non-disordered women.  Is it possible that "stunning" is a red flag?  red-flag

I remember reading an article about Paulina Porizkova (the wife of the Car's lead singer) and they asked her how her and Ric were able to stay together all these years.   They (the media) have also asked her why she felt attracted to Ric (the big perception was how could a model fall in love with him?).  She said that most famous couples are too narcissistic to stay together because they objectify themselves and think of themselves as a commodity.  I think that was an interesting point.  If Good looking people (men or women) objectify themselves, there might be a pretty good chance that they will do this to whomever they are with in one shape or form.   I have observed some really attractive women in relationships that seem healthy (guess you never know).   But these women are down to earth.   I have a female friend that is married to a narcissist and she is sweet as can be.   She's not a model but if she was available I would wish that we could date (although knowing what i know now, i'd be afraid to be the first one in line after a divorce - been there; done that). 

Hi Heartachex2   
Did your T have insight for you on this?

She thinks that I am being too hard on myself. I live in a small town where I'm fairly well known so I seem to attract all sorts of women but like most people I tend to pursue the ones I'm physically attracted to. I've been dating 1.5-2 hours away recently. That's helping a bit in terms of meeting women who are more secure. Also someone earlier said this, the older you get the smaller the dating pool gets and there are more unhealthy people out there in that pool.